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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refuse to be DB Executor - AIBU?

55 replies

Ninavlog44 · 19/08/2019 09:45

I've had little contact with DB since childhood...he moved to Spain 20 years back and our relationship is just neutral to mutual disinterest. Out of the blue, I receive an email requesting that I be legal executor to his estate. He owns a lot of properties overseas, has grown up kids - plenty of them too. I have refused, I haven't and don't need to ask the same of him at all. I do feel a little bad, but this feels a bit cheeky fuckery after all these years. I doubt I'd even be a beneficiary. AIBU?

OP posts:
JupiterBelle · 19/08/2019 09:50

Maybe he wants more of a relationship? Or doesn’t want to pick one child over others to be executor? Maybe he has a good reason for asking you and not someone else.

Call him and ask him about it.

YouOkHunz · 19/08/2019 09:58

I would have asked him why and are you a beneficiary/going to be compensated for your time if you do say yes. Sorting out an estate like that would be a nightmare so I'd do it on business terms if you're not close but I'd want to know I'd benefit first - even though that sounds cold if you're not close it's only fair
Otherwise if he wants someone to do the work and be impartial etc he needs to pay and use a solicitors for this purpose.

ColaFreezePop · 19/08/2019 10:04

You don't need to call him and ask for a explanation if you don't want to do just say to him and preferably put it in writing "No I don't have the expertise."

No one can be forced to be an executor or trustee of a will if they don't want to do it.

PuzzledObserver · 19/08/2019 10:05

Complex estate (multiple properties overseas) needs a professional, IMO.

I think even if you are the executor you can make the choice to use a solicitor and pay them out of the estate, as long as it’s agreed by the beneficiaries. DH and sil did this for their parents, but they were joint executors and the sole beneficiaries, and both knew they didn’t have the knowledge or time to do it themselves.

In your scenario - probably many beneficiaries, don’t even know if you are one, and are you sole executor or joint - no way would I touch it.

The request could be an opening for a conversation, though.

LazyDaisey · 19/08/2019 10:05

I’d assume he wanted me because he wasn’t leaving me anything in the will and thinks I’ll be impartial.

Original poster
Ninavlog44 · 19/08/2019 10:08

Thanks. So far, I've just flagged some concerns - such as the time needed and the executor taking on unsettled debt liabilities (that's not a great way of bonding by the way) ...so I was kind of hoping he'd take that as a polite 'no'. Should I explicitly say 'no'.....I'm a bit worried I could get lumped with this. There is a co executor too, I very much doubt they understand what's being taken on here ....she is a busy young mum and if the worst were to happen I think would want to refuse to be an executor - leaving me with the whole lot to do. Can all executors actually refuse ? Are signatures of agreement needed?

OP posts:
ColaFreezePop · 19/08/2019 10:08

I would not leave it to the beneficiaries to allow you to use a solicitor as they may be the type to be argumentative and squabble over every penny. I would stay well out of it.

ColaFreezePop · 19/08/2019 10:12

You can just refuse to do it and renounce the rolr if he refuses to name someone else.

Most people are sensible and get people's agreement before naming them.

FinallyHere · 19/08/2019 10:12

Call him and ask him about it.

While I agree that a conversation should have taken place, surely the onus should be on the person asking the favour rather than the person they are asking that favour of? Sound more like women being expected to do the emotional heavy lifting just because they happen to be a woman.

Either it's simple and his children could do it themselves if they need to call in professional expertise. Let them.

It's a very big ask of someone with whom you have no significant relationship. I've done it gladly for close relatives and would not underestimate the admin and the responsibility. The executor is personally responsible for any mistakes in distribution of the estate. If anyone contests there can be endless work.

Perfectly fair to say thank you but no thank you.

If asking such a big favour is DB's way to open a conversation, who knows what else he might ask.

Knittedfairies · 19/08/2019 10:20

Tell him you don't feel you have the expertise to deal with the complexities of his estate.... unless you do, then you're perfectly entitled to just say 'no'.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 19/08/2019 10:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

swimlyn · 19/08/2019 10:54

IIRC you cannot be paid to be an executor. (UK rules that is)

You can however claim costs/expenses. Spanish inheritance rules are hideously complicated...

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 10:57

Should I explicitly say 'no'.....I'm a bit worried I could get lumped with this

If you don't say "no" you will be.
And yes - you are allowed to decline.

As to the rosy view upthread that DB is reaching out to you to re-establish bonds ... pretty weird way of going about it! ("You can bond over my paperwork when I'm dead, cheers sis!")

FinallyHere · 19/08/2019 11:00

In UK, you are allowed to claim cost of time and equipment. So professionally qualified eg solicitors can bill for their time as well as any costs.

billy1966 · 19/08/2019 11:03

OP, until you have done this, you can't imagine the amount of work involved.

Involving foreign property would complicate things further.

You also would be at the mercy of the beneficiaries enquiries.

Probate can easily take 12-18 months to go through, even when things are not particularly complicated.

My kind SIL did it for an elderly neighbour she was fond of. An absolute nightmare.

His solicitor can do this for him, but will be paid for it.

Don't go near it if ye are not very close, and even then I wouldn't.

Thank him 🙄, but tell him you wouldn't be able for it.

My SIL is a highly experienced accountant in her late 50's and she found it a complete PITA.

FinallyHere · 19/08/2019 11:04

Sorry pressed send too soon

It's not a great idea to appoint the solicitors as executors as then you are stuck with their services and cannot very easily change them, if they take too long etc without a serious and costly battle to wrest control

Finding another firm prepared to fight them is almost impossible, any firm would be reluctant to get involved.

Much better appoint family or friend who can then take whatever legal advice they need.

Missingstreetlife · 19/08/2019 11:05

It's always advised not to have solicitor or bank as executor because they may not be particularly thorough and charge over the odds. Better to have an executor who can employ a solicitor and estate pays, this gives solicitor less say and saves money for beneficiaries. You can leave something for the executor for their trouble, esp if they don't use a solicitor. That's from his POV.
You can refuse for any reason, I think being co exec for someone you hardly know, with someone you don't know, is likely to be fraught and messy. There maybe disputes between family that will hold things up.

Carthage · 19/08/2019 11:07

If there's overseas property involved, don't do it. It's a nightmare. I also wonder whether there's sibling rivalry involved, which is why he's asking you. Another reason to say no!

FamilyOfAliens · 19/08/2019 11:08

We have asked our adult children to be our executors and they’ve agreed. I wonder why he didn’t ask them?

Gatehouse77 · 19/08/2019 11:11

I would state a clear and loud "No" - particularly if there's overseas property involved.

Skittlesandbeer · 19/08/2019 11:11

Tell him you were pleased he considered you for the job. You considered it seriously enough to pay for advice in the UK. Sadly, now that you’ve become aware of the potential complexities you’ll have to decline. You feel he’d be better off choosing someone more qualified, that his kids could count on more confidently.

Send this, then just repeat endlessly until he stops asking.

Londonmummy66 · 19/08/2019 11:36

I do international wills and probate for a living and there is no way on earth I'd touch this sort of work outside of in my professional capacity where I am well insured. International property and inheritance laws are an absolute nightmare.

HollowTalk · 19/08/2019 11:41

I wonder whether it's his way of telling you that he's not got long to live?

RosaWaiting · 19/08/2019 11:48

It’s a massive task even if you are benefiting and in the same country.

Of course YANBU in saying no.

SeaToSki · 19/08/2019 11:55

I would guess he didnt ask his adult children to be executor as they would squabble and maybe fight over the will.... so dont touch the executor role with a bargepole. (Quite apart from the fact that it will be very complicated if it involves multiple overseas properties. If any of them are in France, I’ve heard their inheritance laws are particularly convoluted)