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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refuse to be DB Executor - AIBU?

55 replies

Ninavlog44 · 19/08/2019 09:45

I've had little contact with DB since childhood...he moved to Spain 20 years back and our relationship is just neutral to mutual disinterest. Out of the blue, I receive an email requesting that I be legal executor to his estate. He owns a lot of properties overseas, has grown up kids - plenty of them too. I have refused, I haven't and don't need to ask the same of him at all. I do feel a little bad, but this feels a bit cheeky fuckery after all these years. I doubt I'd even be a beneficiary. AIBU?

OP posts:
Apricotjamsndwich · 19/08/2019 12:16

Don't agree-speaking from experience .

Apricotjamsndwich · 19/08/2019 12:20

I mean don't agree to being an executor in these circumstances- your post is being back unpleasant memories...

swimlyn · 19/08/2019 12:35

In UK, you are allowed to claim cost of time and equipment. So professionally qualified eg solicitors can bill for their time as well as any costs.

As a professional, yes, as an individual, no.

Apparently as family or friend your time is worth nothing.

I did my mother’s estate which was simple, and it was still a lot of work. Saved probably £3000 ish compared to the solicitor who wanted the job. They will always pad out the costs unfortunately.

Grisgristhecat · 19/08/2019 13:01

Do you live near his properties, speak/read/write Spanish have a knowledge of Spanish law and lots of spare time?

No - then it will be a nightmare to sort out!

Glittertwins · 19/08/2019 13:57

My mum and another relative were named as co-exectutors. Neither of them live anywhere near where the now deceased relative lived so they quickly agreed on paying a local based solicitor to take over.

Piffle11 · 19/08/2019 14:18

I can't believe he didn't contact you and ask you, just an email out of the blue! No way I'd do this: tbf I don't think I'd be happy doing it for someone I was close to - it sounds as though it would be very complicated, and with 'plenty' of adult DC: are they going to be contacting you regularly when they think they're not getting what they should? It would be a firm 'no' from me.

Piffle11 · 19/08/2019 14:19
  • to clarify: I think he should have at least spoken with you, at length, to ask and to inform you what it would entail. Not just an email.
Original poster
Ninavlog44 · 19/08/2019 14:43

He's about to have an op to remove a benign lump from abdominal cavity ....that much I do know. But presumably if he passed then his wife would be executor of the estate?
I can only speak of my own set up...we are co executors of each other's estate and then in the event of a simultaneous spouse wipe out, our oldest child's age 22 will become executor with the formalised admin support of our solicitor. Our own affairs are very complex and we never felt it was fair to ask anyone outside of our v close family as in all likelihood they'd need to stop work or study for 12 months to get it all done and meet the probate deadlines. Our oldest knows this. I'm a bit peeved at having been asked, but just wonder if people are a bit clueless on the work involved.

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 19/08/2019 15:30

OP if he’s asked you then his wife isn’t, probably.

But you’ve said no, YANBU at all and that’s that really.

FinallyHere · 19/08/2019 20:27

probate deadlines

Don't remember coming across probate deadlines (other than you have two years to change the will if all beneficiaries agree).

Would be glad if someone could remind me.

StripeySocks29 · 19/08/2019 20:43

Even if he does name you as an executor you can just renounce.

Personally I wouldn’t be an executor unless I was also a beneficiary and I was getting a decent amount out of it, otherwise it’s a lot of work and stress for no reward. Tell him to name 3 or 4 of his children/immediate family, then they can choose between themselves when the time comes.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 19/08/2019 21:09

I wouldn't do it and, as a previous poster says, if he does name you as executor you can renounce.

My Uncle was executor of my DM's will but didn't want to do it - he was going to hand everything over to a solicitor. I wasn't happy about that so he renounced and I did it with some help from a solicitor. The cheeky sod even got me to pay for the letter to renounce!

moobar · 19/08/2019 21:26

Where on earth are you?? You are seriously saying your affairs are SOOO complex that your spouse or child would have to stop work for twelve months to sort it out?? That's ridiculous. That's also what solicitors are for.

Original poster
Ninavlog44 · 19/08/2019 21:31

@FinallyHere....yes re probate any taxes due to HMRC are payable 6 months post death I think?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ninavlog44 · 19/08/2019 21:38

@moobar..... the threads not about my stuff, it's about taking someone else's on. But actually yes, I do have complex affairs. The sale of properties, which could include emptying the contents of those homes could take ages. There's a number of solicitors meetings....mon-fri, no weekends. There's no way I'd email someone or a sibling and say....ps. By the way.........

OP posts:
moobar · 19/08/2019 21:41

I understand that part OP, and agree with you re your brother. However, as a solicitor in Scotland, albeit family, that is an unbelievable amount of time. If someone really would need twelve months of work, forty hours a week, every week of a full year then there is something far, far wrong with that system.

Solicitors in my firm deal with estates rountinely, extremely complex ones. Even when at the most extreme they would NEVER be working solely on one file for a year.

InterestingView · 19/08/2019 21:44

As if you'd need 12 months off work to sort out anyone's affairs. Solicitors deal by email. Emptying a house can be done evening and weekends and there wouldn't need to be a rush anyway and all other affairs like cash funds can be dealt with by pooling into one executors account. Sorted.

Disclaimer I work in finance and have seen very complex estate issued sorted by various people in various states of grief/not clear on how to run finances etc and not a single day off work was had.

Anyway back to the matter at hand - OP just reply saying no thank you and he needs to hire a solicitor.

TheCraicDealer · 19/08/2019 22:03

DDad has been an executor three times- he was a senior bank manager so was seen as a "safe pair of hands" on both his and my mum's side of the family. It's been such a thankless, pain in the arse task in even straightforward estates he refuses to do any more. He was named as executor on his FIL's will and refused the appointment (DGF didn't even think to ask if this was ok and there was no bequest for DDad or DMum in the will), and also declined to be named as executor another family member who asked him recently.

I would just tell him that like your own estate it's likely to be complicated and so it would be more appropriate for an solicitor with experience in both jurisdictions to be nominated.

swimlyn · 19/08/2019 23:16

....yes re probate any taxes due to HMRC are payable 6 months post death I think?!

The tax amount on the estate is worked out quite easily in the first month or so of dealing with the estate. It can be approximated, and HMRC will want their money. (or not if the estate is trivial) The tax amount can be corrected later of course if needed.

But tax is not the same as probate. You can take your time on that, and it can drag on depending on how complex all the different matters are. Having done a simple estate I wouldn’t touch a complex one. However, the solicitor’s fees will come out of the estate funds, and when they know what is ‘available’ it is surprising how their fees mount…

Original poster
Ninavlog44 · 19/08/2019 23:18

As if you'd need 12 months off work to sort out anyone's affairs DD is a student doctor in Yorkshire. We run holiday let's on the Isle of Man and London .....don't think she'd be able to slip that in evenings and weekends, no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ninavlog44 · 19/08/2019 23:23

....but the broader point I was attempting to make whether it's 6 months or a year is that it's a big chunk of time set to one side. DB's affairs are everywhere, it would be life on hold while sorting out.

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 19/08/2019 23:59

I am executor for 2 of my siblings but their affairs are very straightforward so, for the moment, I’m happy to oblige.
If their estates were complex and covered property in other countries then I will decline. Without guilt.

Missingstreetlife · 21/08/2019 21:58

Just don't do it. It will fall to the co executor, his wife won't neccessarily be involved. That co exec can also refuse or employ a solicitor. If not then family can apply for probate qand have to keep to any conditions in the will

Standandwait · 21/08/2019 22:33

My husband is executor for a relative who died last year. Because half the estate is abroad and I speak the language there, I've also been kept very very busy. Seriously, OP, it is like trying to run multiple households, and that's not counting the hissy fits some of the heirs get into with one another. Definitely don't feel guilty about saying no. Your brother's estate really does sound way too complicated.

batedbreath · 22/08/2019 11:04

I must admit you'd think if someone requested this, theyd make the same reciprocal offer to the requested party... .you do mine, I'll do yours???