We need a break from the kids!

[KB197]

Hi all, myself and partner have two DC. Well our eldest isn’t biologically his but he treats him as his own. Both children have additional needs. Eldest has autism and youngest has a speech disorder, global developmental disorder and hypermobility.

Life is tiring ^^ my partner works long hours, whilst I’m a SAHM. My partner is a hands on dad and helps out with them, cooks tea, baths them etc. I do all the housework. By the time the kids are asleep (my eldest takes hours to nod off) we have zero time together and we are both exhausted. I feel like we are more like friends sometimes. Zero time to spend together.

I know this is part of the deal when you have kids but add the fact my children have additional needs it’s so hard 😭

We have been together for 7 years and literally have had zero time together. We don’t even get to share a bed most nights as DS will only stay sleep in our bed so one of us gets into his!

Aibu to think that it would be nice for one of our parents to help out occasionally? Even just for a couple hours? Admittedly mil works full time so I get she’s a busy lady but my own mum doesn’t work, my sisters are teenagers and she could have them. Even for a night every couple of months so me and Oh could go to the cinema or get a bite to eat.

I feel like if this goes on much longer we will split up! I love him dearly but we have no time to get intimate and I feel like friends.

In the past I asked my mum a few times to have DS. Sometimes she would agree but let us down last minute or sometimes it would be a no. DS isn’t terrible behaved or anything. He just has non stop energy.

When I was a child I practically lived at my grandparents half the time. They had us a lot so my mum could have some free time would it be so much for her to do the same just every once in a while? Even if it was just an evening off once every few months 😭

DD is starting school son afternoons out sounds lovely but my partners hours won’t allow it. He works Monday-Friday and he’s used all his holding up!

We get little support from any source. My son was diagnosed and was signed off everything apart from speech therapy (which he’s just been signed off).

I don’t have many close friends. I know a lot of people but have always been too scared to get close to people because I am terrible at meeting up with people and maintaining friendships! We couldn’t afford a paid babysitter...

Maybe you spent so much time with your grandma for a reason. Maybe your DM doesn't like to spend too much time with children?

Can you look into respite care? Your school should be able to help point you in the right direction. They offer specialist help for days or weekends. Depending on what you need.

Also ask the school about babysitting help. I know some teachers and assistants do this on days off for a bit of extra money. They are qualified and know your children.

It's important to get a break and look after yourselves, you can then cope better. You wouldn't then need to rely on family members either.

Social services! Give them a call. Does your son get support through school? Is he in a mainstream school? Will your dd be starting mainstream or a special school? Just thinking that special schools should in theory be able to refer you to support services

As hard as it is, it's what most people have to go through and whilst it seems bad at the time it's quite a short period looking back. My two are spookily similar, eldest asd, youngest bunch of random delays - but by 8 she was fine and just aced her a levels. The only break I could get was if I paid for a babysitter and rarely did a sitter willingly come back! Thankfully once we moved we struck lucky with a neighbours teenage son and my h's saintly phd student. Grandparents especially working ones are simply too busy in my experience

I think you need to teach your son to put himself to sleep. It will be hard for a while but he can't carry on sleeping in your bed when he's 40 - so stop now.

It sounds very hard. My hat goes off to people looking after SN children.

As hard as it is, it's what most people have to go through I think your perspective might be skewed by your own experience. Most people don't have two children with SN and no support.

OP I just wanted to say I sympathise. My in laws live a 10 minute walk and have never baby sat for us. They took my DC1 overnight once when I was in labour. They complained about the fact we couldn’t give them a specific date in advance. Their explanation is they are not ‘comfortable’ being left alone with our children.
We have a niece. DH’s brother’s child. They look after her twice a week on a school night and have her overnight at the weekends.
I find the situation sad.
My parent is widowed and an hours drive. They have looked after DC1 once when we were desperate to attend an event. We were home by 10pm.
We could pay for childcare, but my DH will not agree to this for a very personal and specific reason. As a result we have been out once in 5 years.
Sorry I don’t have any constructive advice, I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Any chance of getting a couple of hours respite care during the week? Or a babysitter once a month? I used to work in a SEN school and quite a few of the TAs would occasionally do babysitting etc for the families as they already knew the kids and so it was less disruptive for them than having a stranger come in.

I do think it’s sad your mum won’t help out though

Your kids , your problem.
Pay for a sitter instead of expecting people to take them for free.

ODFOD. Ever tried finding a sitter for children with additional needs? No? Then go comment on a thread that you actually know something about?

OP, have you tried asking for respite from the LA?

Do your children have a social worker, if so you could access respite that way.

My ds has been going to respite since he was 9 and he’s 19 now.
It was particularly good for us as a family when he was younger as we have a younger daughter and was concerned about the impact on her having a sibling that need a lot of attention, so with respite it enabled us to focus on her and ourselves for a while.

We had similar with my dh family never offering to look after our ds so we could go out for a meal, I don’t think they were very confident with him so my dh and myself use to go out separately with our daughter to give her one to one time.

I think if your family don’t experience what you go through daily they can pretend that it’s not happening and everything is fine, but if your not careful you’re burn yourself out so it’s really important to take care of yourselves as well.

Sadly I think that if she valued her own free time so much when she had her own children that she chose not to look after them and let her mum do it instead then she's not going to want to look after your children. Especially if they have additional needs and are more challenging.
I can't remember the last time anyone looked after my children so we could have a child free evening out, everyone is too busy with their own lives.

Yanbu.

I would try and shift the budget so you can afford a babysitter a few hours once per month. Book someone between 3-8pm whilst you both go off somewhere together, even if its just a walk and chat locally.

That way, the babysitter (or your mother) doesn't have to worry about bedtime as such, but you both get a few hours child free.

Once a month isnt a huge amount, but its a start. Maybe your mother or Mil wouldnt mind occasionally, combined with a babysitter? Month 1 babysitter, month 2 mil, month 3 Mother, Month 4 babysitter. That way you paying for only 1 in 2/3 babysits

Yanbu.
Unfortunately you can't change her, however unfair it is.
You can put snippy comments on her 'I'm all about the granny' facebook posts. But I'm petty.
'Yes to this!!! I loved practically living at grandma's when I was little' and 'to qualify as doting on your grandkids you have to occasionally have one on one time with them y'know'

My dc don't have grandparents...mine are dead and my mil is disinterested to say the least. I'm lucky to have my diss who will babysit or I use paid babysitters too. I think grandparents who won't babysit occasionally are disgraceful. I'm not talking about full time childcare whilst parents work...it's fair enough not to do that, but the odd evening? It's awful, especially if she had help and support.

How old are your dc op? I'm a sahm (kids are school age) and my oh works full time. Sometimes when kids are at school, I go and meet him for lunch in a pub or restaurant near his work, just us.

Do you receive DLA for the children? If so I wonder if you could pay for someone to come in for a few hours once a week to put the children to bed while you go out to eat/ cinema whatever. I seem to remember their are organisations who specifically provide this service ( I know it's fir adults with disabilities but maybe fir children too?) or contact your nearest uni for nurses, maybe a student nurse would like to earn extra money. I really sympathise but think
You need to accept your family will not help and you need respite from elsewhere

@NewNewNewNew - nasty and unpleasant post - you obviously just look for opportunities to give people a kicking .

OP, I have a dd with severe autism so I get it. It's extremely hard being the parent of a disabled child and it's not a life that anybody chooses.

If your mum won't help you out and your marriage is suffering I think you need to make sure your children get all the help they are entitled to. As someone above suggested, a care assessment could give you access to overnight breaks. My daughter had this service for about 3 years before she went into residential.

Also, don't ever feel bad for considering residential school. I kept my dd at home until she was 15 and looking back I should have pushed for it sooner. It has been amazing for her progress and she's so happy.

You really need to tell your mother that you need a break and need help from her. She doesn't have to have them sleepover but if she had them for a few hours you and dh would get out for a meal at least without the kids.
My eldest ds also has asd and an abundance of energy so I know how tiring it can be. I have a baby now aswell so have night feeds aswell. Me and dp have a night booked away this week that has been planned for 9 months and I was so looking forward to the break and a full night sleep, but now it's here I stupidly feel guilty and want to cancel:(

I would try and shift the budget so you can afford a babysitter a few hours once per month. Book someone between 3-8pm whilst you both go off somewhere together, even if its just a walk and chat locally.

People who don't have disabled children themselves don't understand that most babysitters won't / can't babysit children with SEN.

We have no friends or family, and when DD was growing up we had no evening 'us' time whatsoever because we had nobody to babysit. To have alone time DH used to have to book days off work and we used to have 'date days' while she was at school. Obviously it couldn't happen often but we had some really lovely times.

As hard as it is, it's what most people have to go through

No it's not.

I sympathise OP.

Me and DH have two children (NT though) and we have just got back from a 3 day trip away which is the first time we’ve spent time together in about 6 years. We had also fallen into the friendship zone and we absolutely needed that time to reconnect as a couple. We were very grateful to the parents that enabled us to make this trip by having our sons.

I think you should be honest with your mom about how you are concerned about your marriage and ask outright if she can just watch your children for one night so you and DH can go out for a meal or something.

Tell her that you know it will be hard and probably stressful but that your are desperate for her help.

If I was your mom I would absolutely step in and help. And even if I did have to lie down next to one of your children for a few hours to get them to sleep then so what? I would just lie there and remind myself that I’m only having to do it for one night and I will soon be home in my own bed, whereas you have to do it every night, all night!

I have looker after other people’s difficult children in order to help them out and although yes, I do struggle and I do count down the hours I just keep telling myself that my babysitting time will come to an end, it’s not forever, whereas for my friends/family the difficulties are forever.

I would never sit back and watch someone I love struggle and if I knew that just putting myself out for 6+ hours would enable them to have a much needed break then absolutely I would do it!

Thanks all.

It isn’t really hard. I am aware my sons sleeping issues aren’t great but He would never go to sleep if I put him in bed alone. DD is in a fab routine of going to bed on her own it’s not my parenting honestly 😭 DS has severe issues with being in a room on his own. Please do not judge. It’s the only way we get any time in the evening (usually about 30-60 minutes) before we go bed ourselves.

I will look into babysitters but not sure if there is much in my area (we live in a village). I am also unsure how DC will react. I would have to find someone who is willing to meet them a few times first. I will also consider OH shifting around his holiday time he already has booked. He usually books time of gin the schools holidays but will think about doing it in term time instead.

DS is in mainstream school (supported) and DD will be going to the school (also supported). We don’t have help from social care! Maybe I will look into this...