We need a break from the kids!

[KB197]

Hi all, myself and partner have two DC. Well our eldest isn’t biologically his but he treats him as his own. Both children have additional needs. Eldest has autism and youngest has a speech disorder, global developmental disorder and hypermobility.

Life is tiring ^^ my partner works long hours, whilst I’m a SAHM. My partner is a hands on dad and helps out with them, cooks tea, baths them etc. I do all the housework. By the time the kids are asleep (my eldest takes hours to nod off) we have zero time together and we are both exhausted. I feel like we are more like friends sometimes. Zero time to spend together.

I know this is part of the deal when you have kids but add the fact my children have additional needs it’s so hard 😭

We have been together for 7 years and literally have had zero time together. We don’t even get to share a bed most nights as DS will only stay sleep in our bed so one of us gets into his!

Aibu to think that it would be nice for one of our parents to help out occasionally? Even just for a couple hours? Admittedly mil works full time so I get she’s a busy lady but my own mum doesn’t work, my sisters are teenagers and she could have them. Even for a night every couple of months so me and Oh could go to the cinema or get a bite to eat.

I feel like if this goes on much longer we will split up! I love him dearly but we have no time to get intimate and I feel like friends.

In the past I asked my mum a few times to have DS. Sometimes she would agree but let us down last minute or sometimes it would be a no. DS isn’t terrible behaved or anything. He just has non stop energy.

When I was a child I practically lived at my grandparents half the time. They had us a lot so my mum could have some free time would it be so much for her to do the same just every once in a while? Even if it was just an evening off once every few months 😭

[DustOffYourHighestHopes]

If my daughter was in your situation i’d be delighted to help even if I was destined for 24 hours of hard miserable work (which caring for children can sometimes be).

Give up on your mum helping, and try really hard to find a tenacious, responsible carer who could babysit. They do exist! It seems an impossible barrier but once you have someone they do make your life a joy. It’s worth the money to help your marriage and have something to look forward to!

[TiredOldTable]

Can you arrange respite through social services?

My niece started going as a child and now as an adult accesses about 6 weeks a year at a great group home respite centre for young adults,

[timshelthechoice]

You need to quit focusing on your mother sitting because it's a waste of your time since it's not going to happen. She will say no. She doesn't want to babysit your kids. You are going to have to let that go and find another way, such as respite care.

[Doubletrouble99]

Have you had any help from CAMHs or as was suggested up thread have a carers assessment done. Have you got a local carers centre? We have two now teens both with ADHD and ASD. We adopted them when they were 3.5 and 18mths. SWers admitted they needed a 'lot of parenting' but they had no diagnosis and no way were we prepared for what was to come!
We haven't been able to count on friends and family at all either and know exactly where you are.
Have you had help with your DS's sleeping? Has he had an O.T. assessment? Looking at sensory triggers made a massive difference with our two. Our DD was helped with sleeping with a weighted blanket and has also had medication too. Look up sensory diet, that could give you some idea what is available and might help your 8yr old. Good luck.

[Alwaysgrey]

You have my sympathy. I have three kids but two have Sen. The youngest is especially hard work. She won’t go to sleep alone. Mainly because she jumps all over the bed and goes wild. My mum has offered to have the kids but she picks and complains if they even do the slightest thing she considers wrong and it stresses me out. I’d second speaking to social services. Talk to a local charity as they might be able to signpost you to other help but I’d get an assessment done by social services. Maybe check your county’s local offer. If you ever want to chat do drop me a pm 🙂

[sodrained]

I feel the same I have two I'm heavily pregnant with my third I know it was my choice to have kids but seriously it annoys me that family don't ever want to have them for an hour or take them anywhere, I feel a bitch for thinking like that but it really annoys me! My mum for example I always babysat my younger sibling with mine too so I'd take on all 6 kids for the day/night. They've never ever had mine at all. My partner works full time I've been waiting now 3 months to go for a dentist appt as I just have no one to watch my kids. It's the same family who always want photos of my children to hear what they got up to, but don't want to have no time with them? It baffles me

[HouseworkAvoider10]

We don’t have help from social care! Maybe I will look into this...

I'm very sorry for your trouble.

however, in order to help yourself, there shouldn't be any maybe about looking into social services -
you need to be proactive and get moving with that, otherwise you will sink even further.

[Di11y]

if you have money could your dp apply for parental leave and you spend the days together when children in childcare?

or a specialist sleep consultant to help with independent sleeping? have you tried those weighted blankets or the stretchy ones?

[Frexit]

I empathise OP. My DC has severe LDs and is full on from the moment they wake. They also take ages and ages to get to sleep at night and then don’t sleep well so DH and I now sleep in separate rooms. Having a DC with this level of SN has destroyed my marriage and I’m lucky, I do have supportive family, just not close by so unable to do short notice babysitting but helpful in school holidays etc.

You’ll be feeling v v drained with having them both FT since the holidays started so well done on starting this thread to look for some suggestions.

I would second what a lot of others have said:

• apply for DLA if you haven’t already
  
• contact the children with disabilities (CWD) team at your LA and ask for a care assessment. Tell them you’re at breaking point and your relationship is at risk. Presumably both DC have EHCPs in place if they’re getting help at school?
  
• prior to getting a care assessment ask the CWD team for information on any respite services locally and the criteria for a place
  
• contact Action for Children and see if they run anything locally - my DC attends a club on a Sunday afternoon every now and then, gives us 3 hours
  
• when back at school, ask your headteacher if any of the TA members of staff offer out of hours care. Most schools say it’s to be arranged privately but my school allowed me to put up a notice. This sort of care can be quite expensive though.
  

I’m sorry your mum isn’t more supportive of you in this

[Blueoasis]

Your mum sounds like she wasnt the greatest parent anyway, so she's not gonna be a good grand parent. Get a baby sitter, even if it means saving up for a few months.

[Frexit]

And just another quick thought. If your DS is the trickier of the two, maybe focus on getting something in place for him and you might then be able to get your mum/mil to have DD. Rather than thinking of them as a package so could you get a babysitter in for DS for example and DD have a sleepover at MILs just for 1 evening? Good luck.

Haven’t read the whole thread so this might have been mentioned before but if DD is starting school in September then you’re going to feel a whole lot better about things and you might be able to start thinking in terms of DP taking a half day in term time rather than in the holidays because you’ll feel better able to cope once they’re both in full time school. You might also be able to find some work to do from home to earn a little extra that might then be able to pay for some babysitting some time.

[Rotunda]

You should write to your local Children's Services formally requesting a "Childs Needs Assessment" stating that you believe it appropriate under the terms of the Children's Act that your child has a disability, and as such is likely to be a "Child In Need under Section 17 of the Children's Act".

They then have 46 days to assess needs and set out how they intend to ensure that those needs are met.

However, since Government funding has been ridiculously cut, expect that they may try to either reject an assessment or deny you any help initially. Don't be fobbed off, just respond with proceeding down the LA's own formal complaints route (at Level 1 and then Level 2 if necessary) and gather all evidence you can. Your child IS entitled to short breaks and support to participate in social activities that others of his own age are able to access without support.

Also include in your written request, a request for a Carers Assessment.

In the meantime, there will be local Care agencies that provide services to families, some specialise in autism too. But they are very expensive.

DLA should be for additional costs in daily life, but not to fund Social Care services.

[formerbabe]

NewNewNewNew

Still trying hard I see to upset parents with children who have sn.

Just don't comment. It's incredibly tedious.

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

I hate the expectation that grandparents equals free childcare. Nice if they offer but if they don’t thats equally fine. Only the parents get a say in having children, extended family don’t sign upto it.

Plenty of childminders, babysitting services around to use. Or your DP takes time off in term time as both will be at school. You could use that time to pick up some work and cover the cost of sitters etc that way.

[windthebobbinuppullpullpull]

Does your area have home start? I don't know if it varies area to area but I know that ours covers children with SEN and they also do a group meet up every so often for the parents to talk about their struggles & share advice. The lady who leads our area was telling me that they have volunteers who specialise in giving parents of children with SEN a few hours break each week. I've not got any personal experience of them but thought it was worth mentioning in case it's an option.

@NewNewNewNew Do you have SEN children? If not, you should stop providing unhelpful input into something you have no experience of.

[formerbabe]

I hate the expectation that grandparents equals free childcare

I get that if you're expecting full time childcare while you work...but the op is after the odd evening so she can go out with her dh. What kind of gp refuses to babysit the occasional evening?

[Boots20]

I get it OP, we have 3 kids one with asd & none of their grand parents/aunts ever have them for us to have date nights or just to take the pressure off occasionally. Its stressful. We do however order a takeaway once a week when they are in bed, watch netflix & drink some wine. He took a week off before summer & while 3 kids were at school we had dates, walks on beach, nice lunches, hikes etc & it was heaven! Can your OH take a day off while they are at school?

[Toothproblems]

Does it have to be time in the evening? He can book holiday for a few days and spend time together when the kids are at school....

[Toothproblems]

Cross post with boots

[StickyProblem]

You could have a last try with your mum because - forgive me if I misunderstood - she was a single parent when you were small. It might be that she thinks you have it easier than she had because you are in a couple.
Hopr you find a solution OP

[formerbabe]

Lovely choice of word there...what a charmer you are.

[summersherewishiwasnt]

Life is hard work. You can’t force your family to want to be involved, you need to explore other avenues or have a break separately. Nagging them to help will be resentful help and your dc don’t deserve that.

[LogicallyLost]

Jeez NewNewNewNew you're getting a hard time. The OP posted on an AIBU thread, you thought they were.

If parents \ friends want to help then fine, but there shouldn't be an expectation.