We need a break from the kids!

[KB197]

Hi all, myself and partner have two DC. Well our eldest isn’t biologically his but he treats him as his own. Both children have additional needs. Eldest has autism and youngest has a speech disorder, global developmental disorder and hypermobility.

Life is tiring ^^ my partner works long hours, whilst I’m a SAHM. My partner is a hands on dad and helps out with them, cooks tea, baths them etc. I do all the housework. By the time the kids are asleep (my eldest takes hours to nod off) we have zero time together and we are both exhausted. I feel like we are more like friends sometimes. Zero time to spend together.

I know this is part of the deal when you have kids but add the fact my children have additional needs it’s so hard 😭

We have been together for 7 years and literally have had zero time together. We don’t even get to share a bed most nights as DS will only stay sleep in our bed so one of us gets into his!

Aibu to think that it would be nice for one of our parents to help out occasionally? Even just for a couple hours? Admittedly mil works full time so I get she’s a busy lady but my own mum doesn’t work, my sisters are teenagers and she could have them. Even for a night every couple of months so me and Oh could go to the cinema or get a bite to eat.

I feel like if this goes on much longer we will split up! I love him dearly but we have no time to get intimate and I feel like friends.

In the past I asked my mum a few times to have DS. Sometimes she would agree but let us down last minute or sometimes it would be a no. DS isn’t terrible behaved or anything. He just has non stop energy.

When I was a child I practically lived at my grandparents half the time. They had us a lot so my mum could have some free time would it be so much for her to do the same just every once in a while? Even if it was just an evening off once every few months 😭

[KB197]

I do get it ObvsNC. I don’t expect anyone to have them very often but once in a while would be nice. My mum doesn’t work and neither her or my stepfather are elderly. I used to babysit my younger siblings when DS was tiny and it would be nice if she did the same but I’ve never pushed it. I’m not a naggy type.

[KB197]

NewNewNewNew I don’t want free childcare, I just want a break. Even an hour to do my food shop alone would be nice right now 🤣

I’ve never bagged them. In fact far from it.

I just get annoyed how when I was younger I’d babysit my younger siblings so they could go out but never helped out with mine!

But hey ho!

Thank you everyone for the advice regarding social care, assessments, local authority’s etc etc. It’s something I will definitely look into. We’ve had zero support from anything like this. I think the services in our area are pretty poor but it’s something I will try for! We get little support from anyone but we are fortunate the school are fantastic and supportive!

[ObvsNC]

I'll take a deep breath and pop on a flame proof suit...

I'm kind of in the position of the OP's mum so I thought I might offer the opposite perspective.

DSD would like DH and me to have her children overnight so she can enjoy some quality time with her own DH. Reasons why the answer is no...

DH is getting on a bit and still works full time in a physical job so he's kind of earned his downtime at the weekend.
They have been to our house once, we always have to go to them, so the children are not familiar with the surroundings.
We don't see them very often so the children are not totally comfortable with us and I am not confident with them.
We have one tiny spare bedroom, they have two children. DS's bedroom is not suitable for unsupervised small children.
As mentioned above, I have my own DS. I'm a mother 24/7 too. Yes he's a teenager but teenagers still need a lot more input that people with little kids seem to realise, it's just a different kind of input.
We could go to theirs but I still have work clothes and uniform that have to be washed at the weekend, and shopping to be done, the costs of a cattery to organise (or impose on someone else to take care of said cat), can't realistically leave DS overnight...

I'm sure that reads like a long list of excuses to some, but for me they are genuine valid reasons.

It's perfectly plausible that the OP's mum and MIL have similar worries.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Hate people that expect friends, family or parents to help them out when I have grown children and if they're struggling, I'd expect them to expect me to try and do what I can. Because they'll know no one loves them as much as me and their dad do, or not in the same way. That doesn't mean being taken advantage of, but it does mean doing what you can manage to help out those you love. I find it really sad when people think they should have to do it all alone and no one should ever want to help them

[Frexit]

@NewNewNewNew I didn’t see your deleted message but based on your other comments you seriously need to educate yourself on what life is like for families where there are children with additional needs. I’m assuming you don’t have DC with significant special needs yourself because if you did you’d be showing some empathy here.

You know the toddler years? Where it’s a daily grind of constantly trying to stopping your child emptying cupboards, wetting themselves, pooing on the floor, eating play doh, drawing on the walls etc etc. Not to mention trips to the park twice a day to keep them entertained etc etc you get the picture. Then imagine you’re still doing that and your DC is 12 and you’ve been doing it all those years. You might be a tad worn down with it all by then.

Now imagine your child won’t sleep unless you’re in the room. That they have screaming fits till they’re sick if you try and leave the room before they’re in a deep sleep. That you’ve had loads of expert help and they’re still doing it and no one seems to have the answer.

Now imagine that your child physically attacks you when they can’t communicate their frustration to you verbally. That they punch bite and kick and it actually hurts. And breaks you mentally too.

Now imagine you’ve had to stop working because the stress and lack of sleep has destroyed your mental health and physical wellbeing. Money is tight with only one parent earning.

Now imagine how fucking unreasonable it would be to ask a friend or close family member to look after your child for a couple of hours so you can go for a walk to try and have a conversation with your partner about something important to your other child (NT in my case) like the choice of their secondary school or friendship issues.

Just imagine. How fucking dare the OP hope for some occasional support from her family when she can’t necessarily afford professional child care from someone experienced with special needs who happens to charge a premium hourly rate for that expertise.

Seriously, try and put yourself in someone else’s shoes.

[smartiecake]

OP ignore the 'look after your own kids' comments.
You are not expecting too much to have the odd couple of hours with your partner away from difficult kids. Unfortunately childminders etc often dont want kids with difficulties or complex needs.
I also came on to say are you claiming DLA for your kids and carers allowance for you?

[dottiedodah]

How old are your Sisters?.Could they do it say once in a couple of months?.Many youngsters have lots of energy ,and you could probably just give them a tenner to help out?

[dottiedodah]

Brightyellowdaffodil. In what way is it not reasonable to expect GP to babysit non special needs children , let alone special needs ones! My Mum was always happy to babysit ,and I spent a lot of time with my Nan as a child as well .As far as they are concerned its part of being a GP! My daughter often took a long time to sleep ,and would often want someone in her bed to settle her down!.GP may find she is left to her own devices as she gets older if she doesnt want to help out!

[LogicallyLost]

Jeez NewNewNewNew you're getting a hard time. The OP posted on an AIBU thread, you thought they were.

If parents \ friends want to help then fine, but there shouldn't be an expectation.

[summersherewishiwasnt]

Life is hard work. You can’t force your family to want to be involved, you need to explore other avenues or have a break separately. Nagging them to help will be resentful help and your dc don’t deserve that.

[formerbabe]

Lovely choice of word there...what a charmer you are.

[StickyProblem]

You could have a last try with your mum because - forgive me if I misunderstood - she was a single parent when you were small. It might be that she thinks you have it easier than she had because you are in a couple.
Hopr you find a solution OP

[Toothproblems]

Cross post with boots

[Toothproblems]

Does it have to be time in the evening? He can book holiday for a few days and spend time together when the kids are at school....

[Boots20]

I get it OP, we have 3 kids one with asd & none of their grand parents/aunts ever have them for us to have date nights or just to take the pressure off occasionally. Its stressful. We do however order a takeaway once a week when they are in bed, watch netflix & drink some wine. He took a week off before summer & while 3 kids were at school we had dates, walks on beach, nice lunches, hikes etc & it was heaven! Can your OH take a day off while they are at school?

[formerbabe]

I hate the expectation that grandparents equals free childcare

I get that if you're expecting full time childcare while you work...but the op is after the odd evening so she can go out with her dh. What kind of gp refuses to babysit the occasional evening?

[windthebobbinuppullpullpull]

Does your area have home start? I don't know if it varies area to area but I know that ours covers children with SEN and they also do a group meet up every so often for the parents to talk about their struggles & share advice. The lady who leads our area was telling me that they have volunteers who specialise in giving parents of children with SEN a few hours break each week. I've not got any personal experience of them but thought it was worth mentioning in case it's an option.

@NewNewNewNew Do you have SEN children? If not, you should stop providing unhelpful input into something you have no experience of.

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

I hate the expectation that grandparents equals free childcare. Nice if they offer but if they don’t thats equally fine. Only the parents get a say in having children, extended family don’t sign upto it.

Plenty of childminders, babysitting services around to use. Or your DP takes time off in term time as both will be at school. You could use that time to pick up some work and cover the cost of sitters etc that way.

[formerbabe]

NewNewNewNew

Still trying hard I see to upset parents with children who have sn.

Just don't comment. It's incredibly tedious.

[Rotunda]

You should write to your local Children's Services formally requesting a "Childs Needs Assessment" stating that you believe it appropriate under the terms of the Children's Act that your child has a disability, and as such is likely to be a "Child In Need under Section 17 of the Children's Act".

They then have 46 days to assess needs and set out how they intend to ensure that those needs are met.

However, since Government funding has been ridiculously cut, expect that they may try to either reject an assessment or deny you any help initially. Don't be fobbed off, just respond with proceeding down the LA's own formal complaints route (at Level 1 and then Level 2 if necessary) and gather all evidence you can. Your child IS entitled to short breaks and support to participate in social activities that others of his own age are able to access without support.

Also include in your written request, a request for a Carers Assessment.

In the meantime, there will be local Care agencies that provide services to families, some specialise in autism too. But they are very expensive.

DLA should be for additional costs in daily life, but not to fund Social Care services.

[Frexit]

And just another quick thought. If your DS is the trickier of the two, maybe focus on getting something in place for him and you might then be able to get your mum/mil to have DD. Rather than thinking of them as a package so could you get a babysitter in for DS for example and DD have a sleepover at MILs just for 1 evening? Good luck.

Haven’t read the whole thread so this might have been mentioned before but if DD is starting school in September then you’re going to feel a whole lot better about things and you might be able to start thinking in terms of DP taking a half day in term time rather than in the holidays because you’ll feel better able to cope once they’re both in full time school. You might also be able to find some work to do from home to earn a little extra that might then be able to pay for some babysitting some time.

[Blueoasis]

Your mum sounds like she wasnt the greatest parent anyway, so she's not gonna be a good grand parent. Get a baby sitter, even if it means saving up for a few months.

[Frexit]

I empathise OP. My DC has severe LDs and is full on from the moment they wake. They also take ages and ages to get to sleep at night and then don’t sleep well so DH and I now sleep in separate rooms. Having a DC with this level of SN has destroyed my marriage and I’m lucky, I do have supportive family, just not close by so unable to do short notice babysitting but helpful in school holidays etc.

You’ll be feeling v v drained with having them both FT since the holidays started so well done on starting this thread to look for some suggestions.

I would second what a lot of others have said:

• apply for DLA if you haven’t already
  
• contact the children with disabilities (CWD) team at your LA and ask for a care assessment. Tell them you’re at breaking point and your relationship is at risk. Presumably both DC have EHCPs in place if they’re getting help at school?
  
• prior to getting a care assessment ask the CWD team for information on any respite services locally and the criteria for a place
  
• contact Action for Children and see if they run anything locally - my DC attends a club on a Sunday afternoon every now and then, gives us 3 hours
  
• when back at school, ask your headteacher if any of the TA members of staff offer out of hours care. Most schools say it’s to be arranged privately but my school allowed me to put up a notice. This sort of care can be quite expensive though.
  

I’m sorry your mum isn’t more supportive of you in this