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Original poster

Feelings of guilt for only child

78 replies

Aimee3 · 18/08/2019 22:10

Anyone feel guilty about having an only child??

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 19/08/2019 07:29

Your DC needs a healthy mother more than they need a sibling.

ScrumpyBetty · 19/08/2019 07:45

I have an only child and am happy with this. He is a happy child.
Decided not to have any more children because the first few years of my child's life were overwhelmingly difficult, he was a terrible sleeper and I had crippling anxiety about everything. I made the right decision for sure, now that my son is older I enjoy spending time with him, I work part time and have a good work life balance.
When my son was 3 I decided to get a dog and that definitely helped me to overcome the sadness about deciding not to have any more children.
Wishing you all the best OP

Glasscrab · 19/08/2019 07:47

My MIL thinks ‘an only is a lonely’ and has at times seemed quite put out that I don’t feel guilty about this. (Her assumption is that her golden child DS would have liked more children but I refused because I am a Selfish Careerist — needless to say this isn’t true. Neither of us ever considered another child.)

After a lot of biting my tongue I did eventually point out that of her ten siblings, she doesn’t talk to two because of some long-standing feud, one is in prison, there is an inheritance squabble heading for court between two more, and one of her sisters ran off to Spain with another sister’s husband. Happy families.

SnuggyBuggy · 19/08/2019 07:48

I know I'm going to get shit too if my DD ends up an only Hmm

SimonJT · 19/08/2019 07:53

Nope!

One is more than enough.

ch3rrycola · 19/08/2019 08:09

I loved/love being an only child. It's fab!

Ragwort · 19/08/2019 08:09

Not at all, we made a conscious decision to have an 'only' child and never regret it for a second (actually I secretly think it is rather selfish to bring more than one child into our over crowded world although I would never say it - I leaned this weekend of a man who has had seven children and then left his wife and all the children as he was 'overwhelmed', that is 'selfish' parenting in my view).

My DS is happy, confident and well adjusted, has a huge and varied friendship group and is looking forward to going to uni next month.

My DM, late 80s, is an only child, she has so many friends, interests and hobbies and is still living life to the full.

NavyBlueHue · 19/08/2019 08:10

I’m an only and never missed siblings. Was happy as an only. DD is an only and tells me she loves it. At 13 we have a fantastic bond because of lots of one to one time just talking and hanging out. I don’t think we’d have that in the same way if I’d had another just because of logistics.

PBobs · 19/08/2019 08:28

I'm sorry you're struggling and had a difficult decision to make. I just wanted to say I'm an only and never wanted siblings. Even at the age of almost 40. I've also just had my first and only child. I wouldn't have had an only if being an only was so bad. My mum is also an only. My DH is one of three and loves having an only and only wants an only. So please don't feel bad for your girl.

Miaowing · 19/08/2019 08:36

I'm an only - it makes me peeved that some people would feel soryr for me. There are advantages:

  1. Able to spend time alone without self destructing
  2. Independent - not afraid to do things on my own

If I can say there are disadvantages I would say the only one is being a bit of a control freak - As I had to to construct my own play and entertainment I'm not very good at going with the flow. But that might be my own personality and I would be like that anyway.

PBobs · 19/08/2019 09:57

Hear hear @Miaowing. 100% agree with everything you say.

WarmestRegards · 19/08/2019 20:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been been removed by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Original poster
Aimee3 · 19/08/2019 21:28

Thank you for all the replies, they are so helpful to me.
Warmest regards - I too worry about it daily and even more so now as it could have been so different had I not terminated but I literally lost my mind so had no choice. My mental state robbed me of being able to go through with it.

OP posts:
RedCowboyBoots · 19/08/2019 21:34

Maternal guilt is a wonderful thing- all consuming and illogical. You will feel it regardless. I've read lots on Facebook from mums who feel guilty for having a second one because it's turned the world of their first child upside down. You can't win, OP, whatever choices you make. You'll always feel guilty. Part of the job description.

Flowers
Original poster
Aimee3 · 19/08/2019 21:54

Redcowboyboots - True!
I'm also 40 now too and was recently told I had developed adenomyosis so it almost feels like that was my last chance of conceiving again. My head has been well and truly screwed up by it all.

OP posts:
HoorayItsToday · 19/08/2019 21:59

Oh goodness OP. Don't feel guilty. I had a second child because I and my DH wanted him, absolutely not because DS wanted him. In fact, DS1 would far rather have remained an only child. Overnight the attention split from being 100% on him and the world revolving around him and only him, to suddenly someone else sharing the limelight.

I felt huge guilt about HAVING a second child. Do not feel guilty about your child being an only child. I'm sure they are quite happy having your full attention Smile

hidinginthetoiletagain · 19/08/2019 22:01

You DEFINITELY shouldn't feel guilty, it sounds like you made a very brave decision to do what was right for you and your family.

We have 2 children (both pre-schoolers) and although I obviously love them both very much, I often think I was a much better parent to just one. I have a mild anxiety/depressive disorder (diagnosed as a teenager) and think maybe 2 is just a bit too much for me - but it's too late now! Grin

I was/am also an only child and had a lovely childhood and am very close to my parents.

clairefrasier · 19/08/2019 22:07

OP, don’t feel guilty. I am an only child. I wanted a sibling to play with when I was young but now that I’m an adult I’m fine. Most of my rels who have siblings are constantly falling out with them. I also have a very close relationship with my parents-not sure I’d have that if I had a sibling.

Throckmorton · 19/08/2019 22:10

I'm an only - it's great! Please please don't feel bad for having an only! I would have hated having siblings - instead I had lovely friends (who I am still friends with, 30+ years on from meeting them in infant school) to socialise with and then I could go home and be a nice unit of three with my parents - perfect!

Runssometimes · 19/08/2019 22:20

I decided I was done after one. Pregnancy was fine, birth was easy (really), he was a good baby (averse to daytime naps) but otherwise a dream. We just decided that was it for us. And he’s 7 now but I’ve never felt one bit guilty. I have siblings and am not that close, neither is DH close to his brother.

OP, you should do what’s right for you and your family. No need to feel guilty at all, you sound like you are an amazing mum, so do look after yourself and be kind to yourself,

audweb · 20/08/2019 09:18

Nope - I only have one and it’s enough. I had terrible PND after having her. I choose my mental health over having another. I’d rather protect the child I have and have a happy healthy mummy than go through that again. No guilt.

Original poster
Aimee3 · 20/08/2019 11:59

Audweb - I too had terrible PND after having my DS, but thought I was well enough to go through it again, clearly not!

OP posts:
Yeahnahmum · 20/08/2019 12:10

"An only is a lonely" is what they say
(But.....
Having a sibling doesn't perse mean having 24/7 friend either )

FrowningFlamingo · 20/08/2019 12:26

This has been done to death on here. I’m an only and have a baby who will probably be an only. Read into that what you will!

WhatNoNotYouAgain · 20/08/2019 12:32

I just don't think there is any point thinking about this. I don't mean that horribly.

Your only child could resent you forever for not giving them a sibling

Or they could be perfectly happy as an only and not give a shit

Your child with a sibling could hate their sibling and wish they'd been an only

Or they could have a wonderful sibling relationship and not be able to imagine life without them.

You can't know. You can't predict. You can't plan. All you can do is make the best choices for your own family, using the information you have in the here and now.

Personally, I'm one of four and I can't imagine life without my siblings, even though I'm very introverted and spend a lot of time on my own. However, my DS is nearly 4 and I'm only just coming round to the idea of having a second. Reason being that I didn't want another child, and no way was I bringing a baby into the world just so ds would have a sibling. It's not a pet!! I now want another baby, so I'll consider having another.

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