Feelings of guilt for only child

[Aimee3]

Anyone feel guilty about having an only child??

I guess I now feel directionless, no idea what to do or which way to go, it's a shitty feeling!

I’m repulsed at people who think I am lesser by not being burdened with siblings, how dare they? Was forced to ‘ be around other kids’ when I was very young and it was awful, I have always valued quiet and peace and my stuff, having multiple kids is solely for yourself, people act like it’s to give their other kid a ‘play mate’ when in reality it’s for their own indulgence and the kids will be fighting and competing for resources and attention. People should keep their worthless opinion to themselves, any kid born now will have an awful future, with food and water shortages, climate refugees, extreme natural disasters, they need to start thinking about having on kid, nevermind several and what, exactly p, they’re forcing these new consumers in to. 400,000 more every day , awful.

*one

Hi OP

Please dont feel guilty, you prioritised your mental health and therefore your existing child. That's a really difficult and selfless thing to do, but doing the right thing for your family at that time is not something to feel guilty for

I was an only. Never bothered me in the slightest. I got all of my parents’ time, attention and money. I feel guilty about my own DC not having siblings but I remind myself that DH has siblings and rarely sees them except at Christmas. Perhaps if pregnancy hadn’t wrecked my body so much I might have considered doing it again. As it stands, I’d rather poke hot needles under my fingernails than repeat my experience of the mental and physical anguish of pregnancy and looking after a newborn.

Not for a split second. I had a daughter who was stillborn and due to complications thought I could never have a child.

Two years to the day she was born and died I gave birth to our DS who was born severely disabled and spent the first few months of his life in Neo natal, whilst I was in a coma for 2 weeks.

Another child probably would have killed me and with DS's disabilities I am actually glad that he is an only one.

Also if I had had another I would have hated them to feel that they were somehow responsible for him when my DH and I are no longer around as he will need full time care.

To have had another for that reason would have been totally unfair and selfish.

AmIRightOrAMeringue - 😘😘

Hey OP

I have the same story as you - had one child love her v much. Accidentally got pregnant again and chose to terminate as I didn’t feel ready for another and circumstances were different.

I love my kid but don’t want another, I don’t want to feel like my life is taken over again by my kids.

I know a few friends now that were only kids and they loved their childhoods, love their parents and get to ‘pick’ their siblings in the friends they make along the way.

Release your guilt my lovely, harder done than said I know

NamelessGem - thank you for your reply xx

Haven't read the full thread, but speaking as an Only, don't feel guilty!
Looking back I have no regrets, I don't remember yearning for a sibling - in fact seeing my friends and theirs argue made me feel quite lucky!

And to balance it - my mum has a brother who doesn't speak to us anymore, nor his parents. So two+ kids is no guarantee of anything!

I have 4 DC, a decision that DH and I made and decided that was our limit.

One is your limit and that is fine, good on you for recognising that and being honest with yourself about it.

Enjoy your only and all the advantages it brings you and them

I have one DD and don’t feel guilty. I also prioritised my mental health. I openly say I sometimes struggle even with one (she’s pretty intense, always has been) and two would be detrimental to my relationship with her and with DH

I'm more terrified of having a second now incase they end up like me and my sibling. I can't stand her at all. She is vile. Also Husband was hopeless the first 6 months and that added to my severe PTSD after traumatic birth, almost dying several times pp and struggling to bond with DS.

I think I'm settled on one and done. Unless I somehow end up with a new husband who really wants a child 🤷

We never managed a 2nd, so mine is an only. She loves being an only child because she doesn't have to share, but she has a good group of friends so I don't think she misses out,. As a child living the rural life when most of her friends lived in suburbia meant her friends preferred to come here for play dates, so she was always surrounded by friends. I'd say she is more lonely at Uni because she doesn't drink.

Aw OP sounds like things have been tough. Please don’t feel guilty. I do have two but I know loads of people with onlies and they all seem very happy! In fact sometimes I wonder if it might make you a better parent to have just one as you maybe do more with the child as they don’t have a sibling you can make them play with! Just a pondering though, I don’t really know!! Xx

I have an only- the time, effort, love, resources not being divided is a huge thing.

We may have another further down the line but they won't be close in age. So not playmates as such. People project their own lives, we are all different

My daughter is an only child and like you OP I had a termination and can relate to the crushing guilt, however she’s a great adult, outgoing with lots of friends and now raising her own lovely family so whilst I regret she has no siblings she has made the most of every situation and is very grounded. I often think only children either can be a little shy or go the other way and surround themselves with friends. Our house was always full of her mates when she was growing up. Please try not to be so hard on yourself xx

I rather like being an only child, and find it a bit insulting when people say things like this! I've always had a wide social circle from childhood to adulthood.

My older sibling made my life miserable. He was very badly behaved, broke a lot of our shared toys, stole things from me and my parents and then we'd both get in trouble. Stopped going on holidays because his behaviour was awful. Lots of times I was promised things because I'd done well at school or achieved something and then it couldn't happen because he'd caused some problems or was having some sort of crisis. I was often ignored because they were so busy with him. They were also reluctant to do me any favours like give me lifts places because they were so resentful of how my brothe behaved and were "fed up of being treated like mugs". The final straw for me was when I was promised £2000 in cash from my parents to go towards my rent for uni. My brother had run up a drug debt and there were scary people turning up at my mum's house, so she instead used the money to move my brother out into his own place and told me it was ok because I was always sensible and independent so I'd be fine without the money, and he needed it more than me. Same as always.

Don't get me wrong, I know parents don't have to give you money for stuff like that, and I managed without it, but I was promised it and so often let down. I don't get on with my brother at all and he is no better as an adult. He still takes up all of my parent's time and attention. I so often wish I had been an only child. It's not always as bad as everyone makes out.

I only have one child and that’s the way it’s going to stay because of my experience of having a sibling.

I have a sibling with a severe learning disability, growing up everything was focused on him, I had to go to (quite a rough) school miles away from where we lived because it had a special needs unit, so he would get in as a sibling place. Lots of time spent at hospitals and I had to ‘look after him’ if we ever did any after school activities, which meant I couldn’t do things with my friends. My mum couldn’t work as she had to be at home for him, so money was always tight.

Once my parents are gone I’ll have to take responsibility for him as an adult, including financially as my parents haven’t made any provision for him.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother but I don’t think this is what most parents would want for their children.

I have an only and it’s great! He’s 8 yo. I had him late ( at 40) so despite trying; another wasn’t possible.
Life is peaceful, he’s good at entertaining himself.
He has loads of friends, and loves hanging out with his cousins.

I have loved hearing from some of you only child adults on this thread!
I have massive guilt feelings for my OC even though in my rational brain I know he has so much love and a great extended family/social network - nice to hear from people with such positive OC experiences

I have just one. She is almost six and despite trying for a second I've found it hard to conceive and when I have I've miscarried (twice). I'm in my 40s so it's looking unlikely we'll manage it. I'm finding this very hard. Part of this is feeling bad for DD but it's hard to work out how much is that and how much is feeling bad for me. It's been good reading this thread and I do observe how much time and care we are able to give her as an only compared to some of my friends who are trying to manage with two or three. She is brilliant and we are so lucky to have here. It's still hard though.

This is a very interesting thread. I'm an only and growing up I always thought I would have a big family. We have one DS and we're almost certain we'll have one more but I swing back and forth between definitely want two and sticking with one. DS is 18 months and I don't feel at all broody. I suffer from PNA and have 2 chronic lifelong conditions (one triggered by my pregnancy) although both are well managed, it's made me wary in case another pregnancy kick starts something else!

I know there are upsides to being an only one but I hate that my child would love a sibling to play with (I overheard her telling a classmate).

When I was younger I would have done anything to get rid of my sister and desperately wanted the peace my only child friend had. Often, we only see the fun parts of what others have.