To throw away DD'S toys because she acts like a wild animal?

[MrsZlatan]

My DD has just turned four and I am at the end of my tether. She is the youngest of four - the older ones are boys.

Since she was little she has always seemed more intense (if that's the right word) than my sons.

She still sleeps in bed with me at night and in four years has slept in her own bed only once when her brother slept beside her which she is adament she's not doing again. She kicks me, pulls the covers off me and has comprised my relationship with dp - all of which I've put up with and went along with thinking she would soon grow out of sleeping with me.

Recently, she has taken to refusing to do pretty much anything asked - if it involves tidying up her toys (which she throws about with wild abandon) she screams at the top of her voice, scratches me which hurts, hits me and holds her breath and pants with temper and glares at me like she hates me. I don't understand why she is so angry and defiant when she can be so charming funny, smart and engaging.

I'm not a shouty person but twice these holidays I've lost my rag after giving her chance after chance to pick up her toys and her throwing my things around deliberately in temper. I shouted at her that I would throw her toys in the bin if she wouldn't pick them up which made her even worse understandably.

She can tidy up, she understands everything but she just refuses point blank to do it and will resort to violence she is honestly like a wild animal - I don't know what to do or how to put any consequence in place. We tried the thinking/cool down step but she ended up sobbing and screaming she was sorry which upset me.

Do I need to get tough and get rid of her stuff? I think this will make her worse and dig her heels in even more and resent me. Or do I give up and follow her around tidying up for her, getting her shoes on her, taking her dinner plate into the kitchen to avoid the wild animal side?

Sorry it's so long. I wanted to provide an accurate picture of her character and personality.

There you go OP, encouraging cooperation is the way to go here. Being kind and she will return it. Telling her it's appreciated instead of saying she's good or threatening if she doesn't. Before we go your room needs to be tidied, come on, I'll help. I'll do the cars, what will you do? (Giving her strategies). Don't waste anymore time feeling bad.

This is quite a helpful infographic I saw earlier for thinking about why a young child (or older one with additional needs) might behave a certain way.

OP, I think the main thing to hold onto at this point is that you've realised the problem and can take action. She's only 4 and it is not too late. You'll need to grit your teeth and put up with a few horrid weeks, probably, but in the end you will all be happier for it. She actually needs boundaries, she needs to be able to trust that you mean what you say, she needs you to be the parent. Even if she kicks off every time you do it at first.

I would pick one battle, and I would almost certainly pick the sleeping in her own bed one. Tell her - don't ask, don't give options - tell her that from now on she is old enough to sleep on her own. Put her in bed, give her a story and a goodnight kiss, then leave her. Explain that she is to stay there until morning. When she gets up, she gets put straight back in bed. No more stories, no more goodnight kisses, nothing. What you are doing is establishing that she is no longer in control, but you.

Then, when that's settled down, move on to other areas of behaviour. Each time, tell her what you expect, simply and clearly. If she refuses, wait for her tantrum to end, then tell her again. The tantrum does not excuse her from doing what she's been told.

And then, in between times, when she isn't kicking off, shower her with as much love as you can.

You need to be tough & consistent with whatever method or approach to discipline that you decide to take. And you have to stick with it till it works - there's no quick fix. Keeping calm, ignoring or walking away when you need a few minutes to yourself to calm down is vital - for both your sakes. Good luck! You can do it - you're the boss- not her!!!!!

Also, from what the OP has said, this does not sound anything like PDA to me. This sounds like a normal kid who has never had consistent discipline and has learned how to always get what she wants.

You take everything & she's nothing left to lose. Take her favorite ones. I'd do reward chart based approach, if she tidies up each day or behaves all day etc she gets a reward of a sticker. 5 stickers = a treat. The bed thing, do the Super Nanny return method. It can be a tough couple of nights of not speaking but just ignoring the screams & returning her to her bed repeatedly, but it will work. You just have to tough it out & realise the kicking off is a purely a tactic to make you give in.