How to handle DDs cheeky friend never doing their fair share of lifts

[Romeshswonkyeye]

We live semi rurally so DD (16) always needs to be taken to see her friends in the nearest town. It’s usually about 10 minutes in the car. Most of dd’s friends parents are happy to do one way and we always offer to do the other. DD tonight has gone to a party 20 minutes away and her friends are also going. As usual I get DD to try and sort one way out and we do the other (we always seem to get the late pick up but that’s no real issue). One particular girl will never respond to DD’s message about whether a shared lift is possible so her mother will drop her to the party or gathering but half way through the evening will then ask for a lift home. We’ve always just done it in the past, never said anything.
This has happened again this evening and for once I’ve told DD to tell her no, sorry, it’s not possible. I’m pissed off that they never consider DD when going over in the early evening but suddenly remember DD is there whe they need a lift home at midnight.
AIBU to say no, and should I tell the girl the truth as to why we are saying no? 🤬

I'd have picked her up then light heartedly asked what her parents were up to tonight and why they couldn't pick her up.

I definitely wouldn't leave her stranded and having to ask other people for sleepovers. How embarrassing for the poor girl.

I actually think the alcohol thing that a PP mentioned is possibly spot on. I always used to get the late pick ups because DDs friend’s parents absolutely HAD to go to the Saturday night pub quiz at their local social club. And of course, that meant they couldn’t possibly have an alcohol free evening.

Yeah, this was my parents (bar the social club part). I rarely got lifts anywhere and if I did it was the drop off, never the pick up, because my parents couldn’t possibly have an evening without a bottle of wine. I never had my friends round either because my mum was paranoid that if you had more than 3 teens in your house at once, they’d post it on Facebook and everyone would crash for a wild party. It was so embarrassing and even now I’m 26 and still friends with some people from school, my parents can’t remember their names, whereas my friends’ parents remember me and ask after me.

I’ve always intended to make much more of an effort with my DD’s friends when she’s older.

I think alcohol is probably the reason too.

My parents never gave me a lift or picked me up from anywhere. My mum couldn't drive in the dark (massive eyeroll) and my dad couldn't not have a glass of wine and some whiskey in the evening.

It sounds like you haven't actually asked the other parent directly to share -surely that is the easiest thing to do first.

DD sending a general message, to someone who doesn't open messages often, isn't really asking. If the mum is scatty or inconsistent, her DD might not feel comfortable offering lifts on her behalf and then having to muck people around. It's not right to put this on the kids. If they were organising which bus or a taxi, fair enough, but relying on the parents is different and you should ask the mum.

I feel sorry for the other girl in this situation, she is being given the blame and responsibility without any actual power to sort it out.

I don't think I'd have refused the lift though I can see how you might get annoyed. I think there's too high a chance that this is something out of the girl's control.

I remember a (charming) parent in my primary school loudly and aggressively announcing in earshot of most of the class parents and children (though my mum wasn't there of course) that her daughter (a girl I thought was a friend) wasn't inviting me to her party or any more parties because I never invited anyone to my house. My parents were in a very unhappy relationship, we were pretty poor in terms of our house, so parties were never an option. I still remember the embarrassment and confusion I felt at that shouted comment many years later.

I know your situation is different, but given the girl still didn't appear to have a lift, I would probably keep offering one in this case. It's not her fault and it might be embarrassing for her.

I was that child. My parents were too busy in the pub.

We always do lifts for the dc, no matter what time or where. Ds14 goes to a friends every week, 30 minutes away, I always do the driving, because they have him for the night and feed him etc, so I don’t mind one bit driving, I wouldn’t expect them too.

I agree that alcohol is most probably at the root here. I feel sorry for the girl.

*Waits for the AIBU from the parent hosting the party when they've been told that if the girl can't sleep over then she'll be walking home alone in the dark.

My DD's friendship group has this issue (2 of kids just appear at my house saying they were told to stay here while their mums are at work.

Blimey-what do you say to that?

Ds has a friend like this, I always give him a lift if there is room. It's not his fault his parents are lazy bastards, and he is always polite and says thank you, so it's no skin off my nose

I'd give the girl a lift, it's not her fault her parents cant or wont. If you're collecting ur dd anyway, why not?

She's probably not asking parents / they're not there a lot has a key and is expected to organise herself. I think most parents of teens expect them to walk/ cycle/ get a bus and be a bit independent

YANBU Just say no and keep saying no. It really isn't your problem.

Having had three DCs who had friends from little ones to teenagers. Some parents really do let their own children down imo. From not inviting friends around because the carpets are white, they make a mess, so no invites, no parties, no lifts. It really is not the childs fault, so we did the messy play, the lifts, the teenage parties. I have 39 year old children on my FB page, who show off their own children now. I like to think that I made their lives a little easier when their own families were so caught up in their homes staying clean or preferring not to give up their precious time on lifts

OP I don't think YABU but the way you describe it sounds a bit passive when it comes to deciding who gives lifts when. Why do you always end up doing the late pick-up? Is it because you let all the other parents offer to drop off instead of offering first sometimes?

I would always aim to do my fair share of dropping and picking up, because yes sometimes I do want to have a drink on a Friday or Saturday night, as do the other parents.

That's got nothing to do with this particular friend though. YWNBU to say no.