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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to handle DDs cheeky friend never doing their fair share of lifts

89 replies

Romeshswonkyeye · 18/08/2019 21:50

We live semi rurally so DD (16) always needs to be taken to see her friends in the nearest town. It’s usually about 10 minutes in the car. Most of dd’s friends parents are happy to do one way and we always offer to do the other. DD tonight has gone to a party 20 minutes away and her friends are also going. As usual I get DD to try and sort one way out and we do the other (we always seem to get the late pick up but that’s no real issue). One particular girl will never respond to DD’s message about whether a shared lift is possible so her mother will drop her to the party or gathering but half way through the evening will then ask for a lift home. We’ve always just done it in the past, never said anything.
This has happened again this evening and for once I’ve told DD to tell her no, sorry, it’s not possible. I’m pissed off that they never consider DD when going over in the early evening but suddenly remember DD is there whe they need a lift home at midnight.
AIBU to say no, and should I tell the girl the truth as to why we are saying no? 🤬

OP posts:
LillithsFamiliar · 18/08/2019 23:30

did why do you think OP stopping giving lifts would make anything come to light? I had a difficult home life at points because of parental illness, etc. My friends' parents didn't know. My friends didn't know. Someone stopping giving me a lift wouldn't have made me confide in them.

CharlieBoo · 18/08/2019 23:32

Have this with my teenager too and I’m so soft I always drop everyone home but YANBU.. some parents are just shocking at this stuff and will quite happily let others do the running around after their child

Twinklycandlelight · 18/08/2019 23:33

I had this with my daughter, taking her and two or three others to a club every week. I had a baby, a husband working away, and i did live out of the village, by about a 10 min drive, so 20 min in total.
But every week, I was collecting and taking them home, from the club, 15-20 mins past their house at night with the baby.
I eventually said I wouldn’t pick them up, because no one would ever bring my daughter home, so occasionally someone would agree to. I took their kids nearly every week, and brought them home.

cheeseandpineapple · 18/08/2019 23:40

I’d give the lift tonight and when you see her ask for her parents’ numbers and cheerfully let her know that you’ll coordinate with them directly next time about sharing lifts. Wouldn’t rely on the friend to respond to messages in future but just deal with the parents directly about it. Is that an option?

Arseface · 18/08/2019 23:45

I had a difficult home life when I was a teenager. I was acutely aware of how kind other parents were and bitterly wished mine could be the same.
It sounds like you know the family fairly well but please make sure you apply the disapproval to the parents, not the teen.

Original poster
Romeshswonkyeye · 18/08/2019 23:47

Well I said we had a car full and there was no room for DDs friend. This has happened one too many times now.

Now DD is home I have asked her how her friend was getting home and she thinks she was going to stay over at the party girls house. So that was the back up plan, try and use us or if not sleep over.

Seems her mum had no intention of collecting her and was chancing us saying we’d collect. Oh well, it didn’t work this time!

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 18/08/2019 23:53

My ds has no problem asking me to take his friends home. They had no problem asking him to ask me. But it used to drive me crazy that he would never ask them to ask their parents.
Can you get your dd to ask her to ask her parents?

RandomMess · 18/08/2019 23:56

I completely understand where you are coming from.

My parents refused to give me lifts anywhere and it was embarrassing. I gave up going to air cadets because they wouldn't give a lift when they other parents on rare occasions couldn't, he was happy for us to get the bus, changing in a tough town to go to an even more rough trading estate.

So I left and got bollocked for it by him 🤷🏽‍♀️

Daisychainsgetbroken · 18/08/2019 23:57

So cheeky

toughestyear · 19/08/2019 00:10

Completely understand why you'd say no. That would be annoying.

My mum never took me anywhere. It was embarrassing and frustrating. Her prick boyfriend used to block her car in the drive so she couldn't drive me at all, anywhere. I did a lot of late night buses and walking in the dark, to social events and my part time job from a young age (and they happily took money off me for keep. Not sure what the keep was as they provided nothing.). Some people just have shitty parents.

didkdt · 19/08/2019 00:15

I do find it easier to say no but it took a few instances of being a pushover.
My son finds it hard to say no, despite my best efforts but my daughter finds it much easier to say no to everything unless you can show her a benefit.

dustarr73 · 19/08/2019 00:51

YANBU - you can tell who the heavy drinkers are - it's the one's who always do the early drive - they like to get back home so they can make a start

They are doing their fair share though.

We had this ds,going to a disco,we dropped them out and picked up.Someone else did it the following time.One parent never did it.It does grate on you.

Thel ast straw was they where going to a football match,asked me was i bringing them.Eh no,,you bring your ds if he wants to go.Just pisstakers.

SummerPlace · 19/08/2019 00:58

@Cassili Looking back I don't think she was surprised. Probably thought she'd try her chances. Thinking about it, it was probably the way she had to work in her household to achieve anything. She was number five or six out of 10 children, and whilst all were cared for and loved, and well educated, I think that there was some competition to get attention from their mother. This emotional competitIveness tainted her peer relationships. This is all just in retrospect, you understand.

I never confronted her directly, just made my excuses to not attend most future things. In one way it was a relief because most of them were really ghastly.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 19/08/2019 00:59

Am with you OP. Perfectly reasonable stance. Maybe though it’s time to get the kids to sort out lifts between themselves - if your mum takes us then my dad will drop back, kind of thing. They are approaching independence after all. But people who don’t share lifts don’t get lifts in my view.

RightYesButNo · 19/08/2019 00:59

Do you think it’s possible the parents are telling her she can only go to events on the condition that they don’t have to give her a lift? Then she goes to parties or friends’ homes or what have you and just hopes her luck in getting a lift home will hold as she really wants to go. Just another possible theory.

2ticks · 19/08/2019 01:02

I never wanted my Dad to take or pick me up from parties as I knew that he would have been drinking during the evening (even for the drop off to the party), so I always tried to sort out a lift home for myself. I also saved up for taxis and learnt to drive as soon as I could.

You never know what is going on in other children's households. I would think of it as just being a kind thing to do and feel good about it, rather than just winding yourself up about it, feeling judgy towards the family, and letting the daughter take the consequences. It also models kind behaviour to your daughter to give people the benefit of the doubt and just be kind, even if there is a chance that you are being taken advantage of - it's just a lift!

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 19/08/2019 01:11

@toughestyear Flowers Flowers

Toneitdown · 19/08/2019 03:53

I agree with the PP that this is possibly their daughter's doing. She's the one who ignores your Dad's messages. Maybe the parents don't even get asked about lifts so don't know. There's zero evidence that the parents are involved in any of this. Maybe the DD can't be bothered asking, or maybe she has issues with her parents and doesn't want to ask for some reason.

I wouldn't automatically assume it's the parents being cheeky fuckers.

Toneitdown · 19/08/2019 03:56

*ignores your DD's messages, not dad's!

sofato5miles · 19/08/2019 04:10

Did you ask the parent's or did DD ask the friend.

Could you spell it out. Direct message, would you like to share the load for driving to this party?

TheMaddHugger · 19/08/2019 04:25

@toughestyear ((((((Hugs)))))🌺🌻🌺

Mileysmiley · 19/08/2019 04:55

My son used to have a cheeky friend who would turn up on my doorstop every day for a lift to school ... I didn't mind because I was going that way to drop off my son. However he then passed his driving test so I thought he would stop turning up for a lift but no there he was every day again. So I suggested he took my son to school in his car but he then says I can't afford the petrol so I said "perhaps my son can contribute?"

Anyway my son then passed his driving test and I got him a car for his 18th so I thought it would now stop ... but nope! the cheeky bugga started getting my son to drive him to school instead ... in the end I left them to sort it out between themselves ...

MaybeitsMaybelline · 19/08/2019 06:59

I actually think the alcohol thing that a PP mentioned is possibly spot on. I always used to get the late pick ups because DDs friend’s parents absolutely HAD to go to the Saturday night pub quiz at their local social club. And of course, that meant they couldn’t possibly have an alcohol free evening.

It pissed me off because I like to be in bed for nine and staying awake until midnight is painful 😂

BlueJava · 19/08/2019 08:28

I'd just do it - if I'm going for one or both of my DS anyway then what's the hassle, especially if it's only a few minutes out of your way. Not worth a potential fall out between DCs from my point of view. However, if it was in the opposite direction and took you 20 mins out my way, then I wouldn't do it.

sandyfoot · 19/08/2019 08:48

YANBU. It would piss me right off. If it was me I wouldn't leave it to kids to sort lifts. I'd do group chat with other parents saying asking directly for lift share. My DD's friendship group has this issue (2 of kids just appear at my house saying they were told to stay here while their mums are at work...) and I force them to take lift turns by just saying in a group chat it's their turn

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