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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to handle DDs cheeky friend never doing their fair share of lifts

89 replies

Romeshswonkyeye · 18/08/2019 21:50

We live semi rurally so DD (16) always needs to be taken to see her friends in the nearest town. It’s usually about 10 minutes in the car. Most of dd’s friends parents are happy to do one way and we always offer to do the other. DD tonight has gone to a party 20 minutes away and her friends are also going. As usual I get DD to try and sort one way out and we do the other (we always seem to get the late pick up but that’s no real issue). One particular girl will never respond to DD’s message about whether a shared lift is possible so her mother will drop her to the party or gathering but half way through the evening will then ask for a lift home. We’ve always just done it in the past, never said anything.
This has happened again this evening and for once I’ve told DD to tell her no, sorry, it’s not possible. I’m pissed off that they never consider DD when going over in the early evening but suddenly remember DD is there whe they need a lift home at midnight.
AIBU to say no, and should I tell the girl the truth as to why we are saying no? 🤬

OP posts:

LisaSimpsonsbff · 18/08/2019 22:34

They have to pass our street to go out of the village, we will have to drive a few minutes to the other end of the village.

In that case it is really bizarre, as they really aren't actually gaining anything by not doing their share as it would have been no extra effort for them to take your DD for the journey they did anyway. I can see why you're very tempted to say no to the lift - but like others I wonder if this is really the only way in which her parents are a bit mean/odd

Mittler · 18/08/2019 22:35

Is your DD not all that popular amongst her peers?

What, pray, do you mean by asking that, HalfDeadHousePlant?

Branster · 18/08/2019 22:35

I can see how this can be annoying but you’ll probably only have a couple of years or less of this as they will start driving soon. If the friend’s house is on your way, just take he and drop her off and be done with it. It’s not worth bothering about it. Maybe the friend or her parents are flakey, disorganised, do not communicate, who knows?
Mine had a particular friend who’s dad never, ever gave lifts to anything and the mum could only do those around her younger child so quite limited. I found it annoying a couple of times but it wasn’t the end of the world. I think there were some issues there but I never looked into it too closely. After all my own child and the friend were safe and happy and that’s what mattered at the time.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 18/08/2019 22:35

Given your update I dont think YABU to take action. Whether it's not giving her a lift tonight or giving her a lift but asking her to make sure it's more equally shared, or asking your daughter to talk to her about it rather than you interfering.

I think at 16 it wouldn't be 'punishing the child for the parents action', at 16 you're old enough to know that it's a pain for parents to drive and that most people try and share it out or its unfair. If shes ignoring your daughters messages then that's on her. If it was the parent refusing I'm sure your daughter would have heard how mean the other parent was!

CantSleepWontSleepSleep · 18/08/2019 22:38

Are you going far out of your way to drop her home?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 18/08/2019 22:41

Actually, reading it again, I think a serious possibility here is that it's not the parents who are to blame but the friend: doing it this way (not sharing the lift there, coming back with you) means your DD never sees her parents - is there a chance she thinks they're horribly embarrassing and so goes to great lengths to avoid her friends seeing them (she wouldn't be the first teen to do this!) and so they have no idea that organised lift sharing is even on the table?

HiJenny35 · 18/08/2019 22:43

I'd just give her a lift.

Missingstreetlife · 18/08/2019 22:44

I wouldn't put this on the young ppl, they can't tell adults what to do.
Call the parents and say you can lift share if they will. After few goes it should sink in. If not don't take their dd, let cfs do it themselves. Your dd can tell her friend

PasDeGeeGees · 18/08/2019 22:44

We once had exactly the same situation. DD would get to a party and find this particular friend already there. Halfway through the evening she would get DD to ask us if we could give her a lift home. We did it quite a few times, and then one evening it was DD who decided it had happened once too often, that she was taking the piss and told her no.
Well done DD!

HennyPennyHorror · 18/08/2019 22:45

It's irritating but I would not leave her out. My DD is 15 and one of her friends from a perfectly respectable family, is always left without a lift home after parties and gatherings because her Mum and Dad won't get her. They don't live together and neither will come. They don't seem to care where she is!

This is a girl who attends a private school and is well looked after in all other ways.

We always end up having her for a sleepover...or another family nearby do.

We're also semi rural.

justasking111 · 18/08/2019 22:48

I have that with a mum, we live near a cinema. DC goes to cinema meets friends, one teenager then asks for a lift home, six mile round trip for me. When he is occasionally picked up by a parent they never offer my DC a lift home, they go past my house!!

Bibijayne · 18/08/2019 22:50

YANBU - but a PP may well be right. It might be the teenage friend who hasn't told/ asked her pare ta about lifts. They may well be unaware and think she's already OKed a lift with you for the evening.

AlexandPea · 18/08/2019 22:51

I think I’d say no in the circumstances. YANBU

They drove past your door earlier and didn’t offer a lift. Particularly mean after you’ve previously gone out of your way late at night to take her home.

Bibijayne · 18/08/2019 22:51

@justasking111 yikes! I'd be saying no! But it's hard when the kid gets punished for the parents' actions.

Branster · 18/08/2019 22:51

It could also be the case that this particular friend does not want the parents to pick her up if she’s been drinking and is worried about their reaction, in which case she would tell them that she’s got a lift back already arranged but in fact she relies on tagging along with your DD because it worked in the past.
I’ve pretty much done all of myDD’s million return journeys and lots of taking to parties/events and in some cases some of the other parents didn’t know much about where their child went. Some kids don’t give out many details on purpose because they think the parents wouldn’t agree to certain things so there are communication and trust issues.
I’ve got to say the return journeys are the ones where you get to learn a lot about what these kids get up to

Cassilis · 18/08/2019 22:54

YANBU. Did you say no OP?

OliviaBenson · 18/08/2019 22:56

I was that friend. My mum used to refuse to 'ferry me and my friends around' it was awful. The only way I could go out was to rely on others and it's something I'll always be grateful for. They never asked anything of me for it.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 18/08/2019 22:58

I totally agree with NoSquirrels's calm, sensible approach as a means to resolving this.

And @LisaSimpsonsbff, your dad sounds lovely!

But in your shoes, OP, I'd just give the lift. Esp because at 16 you've got a year or two of lifts left and then you won't be needed any more. I've only got a few months and it makes me sad because (a) I'll miss the contact with my child (b) I won't see as much of her friends, and I like them all and (c) I'll miss being able to eavesdrop on all the gossip!

Cassilis · 18/08/2019 23:06

Why should OP give lifts to CFs?! She KNOWS this girl is sorted for lifts through her parents and other parents. The girl and her parents are being entitled shits.

This isn’t a girl having to rely on other people for lifts because her parents are shits.

LillithsFamiliar · 18/08/2019 23:10

I'd give her a lift tbh. There could be any number of reasons why she doesn't want her parents collecting her or why they find it difficult. It doesn't really take you out of your way. Plus it's not your DD complaining about it. It sounds as though you're pushing for texts to be sent and answered. Your DD may know more about the situation than you do but she doesn't want to betray her friend's confidence.

SummerPlace · 18/08/2019 23:15

I was that 16 year old who had a friend who never list reciprocated lifts. This is in spite of the fact that we agreed when we went to a new school for our final two years that we would organise a lift roster if we wanted to go to social things after dark at the school. She had several brothers and father all of whom were available and had cars. I had a father who was actually rather unwell but would bend over backwards to facilitate any social life that I wanted (I was actually fairly antisocial).

Shared lifts never eventuated and I personally nipped that in the bud. And looking back the whole thing was quite calculated on her part. I was not going to my father's good nature abused.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 18/08/2019 23:15

I'm not sure why people are suggesting that the OP should refuse but not say why. Wouldn't it be more straightforward to politely but plainly say? If they're cheeky fuckers they're thick-skinned (and anyway who cares if they manage to feel affronted). And if they're a bit dim spelling it out will make it more likely that they offer a lift one way.

didkdt · 18/08/2019 23:18

I think whatever the cause it needs sorting.
Hiding drinking from the parents isn't really on. whatever you think of their stance she is still their DD and at 16 they are still responsible
If she thinks they are embarrassing she needs to grow up a bit.
If she needs support because of other stuff going on at home that needs to come to light,
None of that will happen unless the other teens or parents take a stand with this girl.

So hard as it is I would say no.
My dad was the one who always did lifts and I remember coming under immense pressure from someone to get my dad to come out in the middle of the night to pick us up because they needed to get home. Looking back I felt awful for my dad, and really wish I had said no.
But he would never let anyone be stuck, and hindsight says some of my friends took advantage, and I never thought twice about offering because I just knew that was what he would do.
So my post does come a bit from hindsight and bitter experience

Cassilis · 18/08/2019 23:18

@SummerPlace sounds like something similar is happening with OP.

Was your friend surprised when you nipped in the bud?

Cassilis · 18/08/2019 23:19

@didkdt I don’t think it was your fault, your dad should have had boundaries and taught you to have them too. Do you find it hard to say no now?

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