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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP

79 replies

shemustbetiredofsomething · 18/08/2019 18:14

I'm self employed. DP has a full time salaried job, 3x my income. We split bills and household expenses 50/50.

DP is off work for a week as their family are here staying with us. I have a 9 year old son from a previous relationship. DP offered to take 9 year old out with the family (on DPs side) tomorrow as I have a crucial work meeting that I can't miss about a time-sensitive project, and I need to commute for it. They have planned a nice day out together, all seemed fine.

DP said this evening that DP is going to go for a run tomorrow morning and leave my DS with DPs 14 year old niece 'for an hour or so'. Niece has never looked after DS before - and he can be quite challenging. She's also quite immature for her age, barely communicates with us, and I'm not confident she would know how to handle an emergency.

DP thinks I'm being unreasonable. I'm not a helicopter parent by any means, but if anything were to happen, I would be 40 miles away and DP would be around 10 miles away, and niece doesn't know ANYONE in our area. DP said I should just go into work later instead (???!!!!!) rather than DP not go for a run, I'm supposed to dick my work about? As freelance/SE I can't afford to mess up opportunities, and this is a big one. I'm infuriated but also quite sad that 'a run' takes priority over my DS and my work. DP has been running for about a year, I've been at every finish line, given up my own weekend plans countless times to support, and just this once I'm putting my foot down. Or trying to.

WWYD in my circumstances? AIBU?

OP posts:
Vgbeat · 18/08/2019 18:33

I think he is being unreasonable. She would probably be fine looking after him but if you are not comfortable it's not the end of the world for his run surely he could go when you get home.

Jamiefraserskilt · 18/08/2019 18:33

Nope. You are putting your son first and so should he.

ShirleyPhallus · 18/08/2019 18:35

HIBU

As a separate point, have you discussed splitting household expenses more evenly?

DonnaDarko · 18/08/2019 18:38

I'm not sure why you felt that you had to mention work situations or how you split bills, but he's being unreasonable about the childcare

Greysparkles · 18/08/2019 18:44

Tbh a 14 year old supervising a 9 year old for an hour seems fine. How much looking after do they actually need at 9? He's not a toddler

blackcat86 · 18/08/2019 18:47

Cant the 9yr old just watch TV for an hour? I appreciate kids can feel young but please remember he's only 1yr under the age or criminal responsibility. However, I would have issues about DP prioritising his run. Does he take your job less seriously because it doesn't provide as well financially?

Onesailwait · 18/08/2019 18:47

I can't see a problem with that at all. He's 9 not a baby.

Cryalot2 · 18/08/2019 18:50

There are 2 issues here.
1 yes he is being unreasonable, especially as he gave his word and knew the situation.
2 bills split 50/50 . Given the incoe differences it hardly seems fair, but if it suits you.

WeShouldOpenABar · 18/08/2019 18:53

If your 9 year old is so challenging that he can't be left alone with a 14 year old for an hour you've bigger problems than your dp

museumum · 18/08/2019 18:57

It sounds like you’re taking his decision as a slight in your work or suggestion your work doesn’t matter.

But actually do you not think that he just thinks it’s ok to have a 14yr old babysit for an hour?

If you feel you do too much to support his running then dial that back but that’s not the main issue here.
[btw I run and my dh cycles but we are both attentive parents who take equal share in family life. Not all runners/cyclists are wankers]

Hooferdoofer37 · 18/08/2019 18:59

Can he not take your son & his daughter with him for a jog instead?

I know it's not the same as a run, but it's good for the kids to get some exercise as well as him. Kill 2 birds & all that.

WizardOfAus · 18/08/2019 19:01

It’s a run. For an hour. It will be ok.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 18/08/2019 19:02

He needs to do without his run. Can’t believe its even a question. It’s a run, he’s not meeting the queen. He’ll manage without it.

riotlady · 18/08/2019 19:08

I think you’re both being a little unreasonable. A 14 year old and a 9 year old should be fine home alone for an hour, but your partner is definitely wrong to think his run is more important than your work.

Graphista · 18/08/2019 20:02

At 14 I was babysitting young babies overnight! I was babysitting cousins from about 12/13 and 9 year old cousins would certainty have been expected to barely even need a sitter.

A 14 year old really should be fine watching a 9 year old for an hour or so. Assuming no major health issues for either?

If by "challenging" you mean poor behaviour, doesn't do as they're told then that's really down to you and dps poor parenting!

What on earth!

The stuff about income is irrelevant in this matter I fail to see a good reason for even including that in the post.

I really don't see that he's done anything wrong.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/08/2019 20:05

I don’t see he’s done anything wrong either.

MN usually says that step parents shouldn’t be expected to pick up childcare as they have parents for that so the fact he is willing to help out is great.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 18/08/2019 20:10

He's promised one thing (to look after your son) and he's changed the goalposts by outsourcing it, without your agreement. He is being unreasonable. For the sake of something that he can do any time and place, he is making you either stressed out, or mess your work around.

Why doesnt he want to compromise (eg go for a half hour run or take them out on their bikes while he runs or something)

Have you got anyone else who can look after him tomorrow?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 18/08/2019 20:12

Also a 14 year old should be able to babysit a 9 year old for an hour, but you know the personalities better than us. If it was me I'd want to be close to home the first time we tried it

Rezie · 18/08/2019 20:15

Well, I'm one of those people who grew up in mainland Europe where it's normal for kids to be home alone. So I don't really see an issue with a 9yo being home alone for an hour. Especially with 14yo. But I guess your child has never been home alone so it might be too much.

But the problem is that everything is split 50/50 and he did promise to take car for him so I do think he is unreasonable.

Ilovetolurk · 18/08/2019 20:17

“Outsourcing” sounds a bit dramatic under the circumstances

As a PP said, if you can’t leave a 9yo with a 14yo for one hour you’ve got bigger problems

Alsohuman · 18/08/2019 20:20

Can’t see the problem. He’s 9 years, not 9 months.

thirstyformore · 18/08/2019 20:22

Agree with pps that a 9 year old should be able to be home alone with a 14 year old.

Also, unless your DP is Usain Bolt I cant imagine he'll get as far away as 10 miles on an hours run. Assuming he's doing a circular route, or a linear out and back the furthest he'll be away is half an hour (4 miles maximum).

I leave my 10 year old to go for a run.

Spinnaret · 18/08/2019 20:22

Noting that the OP has written a gender neutral OP, I am guessing the DP here is female. Just for those who keep referring to the DP as him. Not that it should make a jot of difference to how people respond, but we all know it does.

Back to the situation. A 14 year old, even an immature one, should be able to cope with being left with a 9 year old for an hour. I leave my 9 year old home alone for up to about 40 minutes. Just because a teen barely communicates with adults, doesn't mean they can't keep a slightly younger child safe for an hour. Maybe the DP could do 2x of a slightly shorter route, so they can check in and make sure all is ok at the halfway point, if an hour really feels too long.

Cheeserton · 18/08/2019 20:23

Struggling to understand the relevance of the financial claims to the situation here...

RonnieScotts · 18/08/2019 20:47

YABU

A 9 year old can stay with a 14 year old for an hour. If your 9 year old is so unruly that you are considering going into work late to supervise him, then you have a bigger problem.

You DP is perfectly reasonable to expect to be able to go for a 1hr run.

Perhaps you are looking for a reason to be pissed off with DP because the real reason you are unhappy is the unfair split of finances.

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