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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP

79 replies

shemustbetiredofsomething · 18/08/2019 18:14

I'm self employed. DP has a full time salaried job, 3x my income. We split bills and household expenses 50/50.

DP is off work for a week as their family are here staying with us. I have a 9 year old son from a previous relationship. DP offered to take 9 year old out with the family (on DPs side) tomorrow as I have a crucial work meeting that I can't miss about a time-sensitive project, and I need to commute for it. They have planned a nice day out together, all seemed fine.

DP said this evening that DP is going to go for a run tomorrow morning and leave my DS with DPs 14 year old niece 'for an hour or so'. Niece has never looked after DS before - and he can be quite challenging. She's also quite immature for her age, barely communicates with us, and I'm not confident she would know how to handle an emergency.

DP thinks I'm being unreasonable. I'm not a helicopter parent by any means, but if anything were to happen, I would be 40 miles away and DP would be around 10 miles away, and niece doesn't know ANYONE in our area. DP said I should just go into work later instead (???!!!!!) rather than DP not go for a run, I'm supposed to dick my work about? As freelance/SE I can't afford to mess up opportunities, and this is a big one. I'm infuriated but also quite sad that 'a run' takes priority over my DS and my work. DP has been running for about a year, I've been at every finish line, given up my own weekend plans countless times to support, and just this once I'm putting my foot down. Or trying to.

WWYD in my circumstances? AIBU?

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 18/08/2019 20:59

Perhaps you are looking for a reason to be pissed off with DP because the real reason you are unhappy is the unfair split of finances

Agree wholeheartedly with this.

A 14yo is fine to look after a 9yo for an hour.

Who decided on the splitting of costs that way?

Original poster
shemustbetiredofsomething · 18/08/2019 21:08

Finances mentioned because as a SE/freelancer I have to grift for every pound I earn, rather than be on a cosy salary, so pulling out of or trying to move crucial work meetings the day before is a serious issue for long term financial stability. If I had a salaried job, I'd probably move the meeting, but I don't, and I don't feel good about it.

DP's run is from 7am til 10am apparently. I'm leaving the house at 0830. Hope that clarifies some details, of course nobody runs 10 miles in an hour!!

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 18/08/2019 21:08

Why have you mentioned income and financial contributions, its not relevant unless of course that's really why you're pissed off. I dont see why they couldn't be left for an hour.

Original poster
shemustbetiredofsomething · 18/08/2019 21:09

Re splitting finances, it was 2/3rds me, 1/3 DP for a long time. It's complicated. Took a battle, well a few, to get it split down the middle, I'm not sure it's going to be proportionate to income any time soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
shemustbetiredofsomething · 18/08/2019 21:11

@onanothertrain Cross posted, see above. It's about being freelance vs salaried, and what that means in terms of work commitments. If I lose this job I've got lined up tomorrow, I lose three months salary. I'm struggling to keep up with DP as it is, so I kind of have to stick to work commitments and not be dicked about at the last minute with shifting goalposts.

OP posts:
Original poster
shemustbetiredofsomething · 18/08/2019 21:12

The real issues are:

  1. My work not being seen as important
  2. A run - that is a solo run so can be done any time of day or evening - taking priority
  3. Not being listened to when I voice my concerns about leaving the 9 year old with the 14 year old when we are both too far away to be any use in an emergency
  4. My concerns, as DSs parent, being dismissed because the run takes priority.
OP posts:
Graphista · 18/08/2019 21:25

So this IS really about the finances which have ZERO to do with perfectly acceptable childcare arrangements!

Geez at the time he's going chances are the kids will still be asleep for at least part of the time!

Deal with your issues re finances separately and sensibly as an adult - don't pick a fight over something unrelated just to have an excuse to be pissed off with dp!

Be a grown up and have a focused discussion on the financial side of things/

steff13 · 18/08/2019 21:30

It's fine for a 14-year-old to babysit a 9-year-old.

HaileySherman · 18/08/2019 21:38

The 9 yo should be able to be left for an hour with a 14 yo. He's not a baby. Yabu there. However if it comes down to it, work takes priority over a run. But really, seems crazy overprotective to not let the kids be home so he can run.

Nanny0gg · 18/08/2019 21:40

Why are you with him?

Drogosnextwife · 18/08/2019 21:44

At 14 I was baby sitting for young children while their parents went out for the night.

dollydaydream114 · 18/08/2019 21:47

I'm pretty incredulous that you think a 9-year-old and a 14-year-old can't be alone for one hour. What 'emergency' do you think is likely to occur within an hour?

NoSquirrels · 18/08/2019 21:48

DP's run is from 7am til 10am apparently. I'm leaving the house at 0830.

His compromise with you then should be that his run starts at 6am and he’s back by 9am.

Then it’s 30 minutes alone for the kids - one episode of something on TV - and you’ve both got what you need.

The other stuff can wait but he sounds self-absorbed if not downright selfish on the other stuff.

Is the 14 year old the only guest staying?

steff13 · 18/08/2019 21:52

You said partner's family is staying. Is that just the niece?

Techway · 18/08/2019 21:54

OP, I get your concern, maybe others have done this but you know your son and also your levels of anxiety. Before a work meeting you need to feel relaxed that your son is being looked after. I think your dp is selfish to not consider your feelings. Sometimes our concerns are not highly rational when it comes to parenting and I think having a partner who is kind enough to reassure at these times is necessary.

BellyButton85 · 18/08/2019 21:58

This reply has been deleted

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lifecouldbeadream · 18/08/2019 21:59

Work trumps fun.

That’s how bills get paid.

50/50 not fair IMHO

14yr old and 9 yr old, unless any obvious issues ie SN, then they should be fine. However- he said he’d look after them. So he should.

lifecouldbeadream · 18/08/2019 22:04

Just seen your updates re finance. 3x income and 50%bills.......

A fight to get to 50/50 from 66/33 in his favour. Unless there’s some massive backstory..... he doesn’t seem all that considerate.

perplexedagain · 18/08/2019 22:08

I would be pissed off too. From what you've said he's come across as extremely entitled putting his interests first. Not to mention not contributing more to the household finances - he earns 3x more than you therefore he should be paying 3x more towards the household.

What does his niece think about this arrangement? Has it been landed on her too? It seems a bit shit all round to be honest. I thought he had taken the week off to be with his family not to train for a marathon. I agree with what was said earlier - he can change the time of his run. If he won't do this, I would be seriously considering the whole set up. He does't seem to respect you, your work commitments, your DS needs, his guests wishes ...

Butterymuffin · 18/08/2019 22:13

Does / would your DP absolutely refuse to run for one hour only from 7-8am so they can be back before you go?

Missingstreetlife · 18/08/2019 22:35

Probably be ok but it's not like you and dc know this girl, so it's a bit unsatisfactory. It's the arrogance of telling you, not asking😡

Lipz · 18/08/2019 22:50

I hate running, it's like cycling, takes priority over everything. Have ended many a relationship over it. Someone else mentioned it about them leaving at 6am instead of 7am and been back for 9am so only a half hour on their own, this sounds like a good compromise.

Only you know what the kids are like, I have nieces the same age and one I'd leave my whole family with and trust her with their lives, the other one, she actually still needs watching herself, the first and last time she minded her brother she cooked sausages even though warned not to touch cooker and nearly set the kitchen on fire. your 9 year old for whatever reason you don't feel comfortable leaving him is your own business, you obviousy have good reason, so if it were me I'd try to come to a compromise with your partner and see if they can change their running time.

PinkCrayon · 18/08/2019 23:00

I wouldnt leave a 'quite challenging' 9 year old with an 'immature' 14 year old.
He can run in the evening.
He is being unreasonable.

HiJenny35 · 18/08/2019 23:02

I love the way people can state it's fine for a 14 year old to be left with a 9 year old. This wasn't the question. IMO 14 is far too young to be responsible for a 9 year old. Certainly one you don't know really well and in an area you don't know. However that's not the post.
No your oh is a dick. He agreed to look after your child so you could work so that's what he needs to do, if he wanted to palm it off to a 3rd party then he should have discussed that with you. His run does not take priority over your work and he can do that another time.

EverTheConundrum · 18/08/2019 23:06

@BellyButton85 Perhaps teach your child to behave?

What a nasty thing to say. Reported