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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP

79 replies

shemustbetiredofsomething · 18/08/2019 18:14

I'm self employed. DP has a full time salaried job, 3x my income. We split bills and household expenses 50/50.

DP is off work for a week as their family are here staying with us. I have a 9 year old son from a previous relationship. DP offered to take 9 year old out with the family (on DPs side) tomorrow as I have a crucial work meeting that I can't miss about a time-sensitive project, and I need to commute for it. They have planned a nice day out together, all seemed fine.

DP said this evening that DP is going to go for a run tomorrow morning and leave my DS with DPs 14 year old niece 'for an hour or so'. Niece has never looked after DS before - and he can be quite challenging. She's also quite immature for her age, barely communicates with us, and I'm not confident she would know how to handle an emergency.

DP thinks I'm being unreasonable. I'm not a helicopter parent by any means, but if anything were to happen, I would be 40 miles away and DP would be around 10 miles away, and niece doesn't know ANYONE in our area. DP said I should just go into work later instead (???!!!!!) rather than DP not go for a run, I'm supposed to dick my work about? As freelance/SE I can't afford to mess up opportunities, and this is a big one. I'm infuriated but also quite sad that 'a run' takes priority over my DS and my work. DP has been running for about a year, I've been at every finish line, given up my own weekend plans countless times to support, and just this once I'm putting my foot down. Or trying to.

WWYD in my circumstances? AIBU?

OP posts:
steff13 · 18/08/2019 23:53

Why is everyone assuming DP is a he?

AcrossthePond55 · 19/08/2019 00:20

In what way is your son 'challenging'? In the normal run of things, they'd be fine. They'd probably just sit and watch TV or game. What do you think your son (or the girl) would do that might cause problems? At those ages, my two were perfectly fine alone at home for a bit.

As others have said, would your DP go for his run an hour earlier?

MNersAreBatshit · 19/08/2019 01:52

YABU. A 9 year old should be able to be left alone for a couple of hours of a morning, let alone with a 14 year old.

Regardless of earnings, if your DP is splitting expenses 50/50 they're already subsidising your DS so you have nothing to complain about there.

KarmaStar · 19/08/2019 01:59

Yanbu.good luck with your meeting.

Italiangreyhound · 19/08/2019 02:08

shemustbetiredofsomething YADNBU.

Yout partner agreed to do something and has changed the plans.

It doesn't matter whether other people were babysitting at 14 or not, you feel your dp's niece, who is a young 14 and hasn't looked after your son before, is not a suitable babysitter for your son.

It sounds like your dp doesn't respect your work. However, you've backed and supported their running.

You are right to be frustrated.

Giraffey1 · 19/08/2019 02:11

I’m confused. In your post, OP, you say your partner’s family is staying with you? If your partner is insistent about going out for a run (tho it seems a bit rude when s/he has family over) why can’t the wider family help keep an eye on your boy?

I do think it is a bit ‘off’ inviting your family ver to stay and then expecting one of them to babysit!

Derbee · 19/08/2019 02:45

He is being unreasonable. But the split of household bills is a bigger problem. Anyone who splits the bills 50:50 when they earn 3x the other person is an inconsiderate dick.

He’s being inconsiderate about the childcare, but it seems he has form. He sounds selfish.

I feel like you should be able to leave a 9 year old and a 14 year old for an hour or so though. Depends on the individual, so hard to know if YABU not wanting to leave him for a short time. Ultimately, if you’re not happy to leave your son, your partner should respect that and run another time.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 19/08/2019 03:04

He definitely doesn't need 3 hours to run 10 miles. That's walking pace. What's he doing with the rest of that time 🤷🏼‍♀️

BellyButton85 · 19/08/2019 03:21

@EverTheConumdrum

Ahh your another one that can't control your child

Tonnerre · 19/08/2019 04:07

Try controlling your grammar before coming out with facile criticisms of other posters, BellyButton85.

OP, I can see why you're uncomfortable with leaving a challenging 9 year old with a 14 year old who seems likely to struggle if he is difficult in any way.

I'd seriously question why your partner needs to do this 3 hour run at that time of day - presumably it's not her normal routine if she works full time.

Sally2791 · 19/08/2019 04:14

HIBU. You know both children and are not comfortable with it, and he is suggesting your work is less important than his run. Why does he have to run at that particular time? Do you feel there are other tensions/imbalances to address?

OverpricedFloorCushion · 19/08/2019 07:08

If your DPs family are staying with you, will they not be around if he goes for a run? Why is it only DNiece?

I don't think you're being unreasonable though.

BogglesGoggles · 19/08/2019 07:12

I would reconsider the relationship. Your DP seems incredibly selfish - what are you actually getting from this relationship?

Ecstatic · 19/08/2019 07:16

Why is everyone assuming DP is a he?

Bashing men is more fun.

But the odd gender neutral phrasing sticks out like a sore thumb.

AmateurSwami · 19/08/2019 07:17

DP has a full time salaried job, 3x my income. We split bills and household expenses 50/50. 🚩

notapizzaeater · 19/08/2019 07:19

At 14 I was babysitting all the time but regardless your partner should have listened to your concerns

RJnomore1 · 19/08/2019 07:19

What do you mean by quite challenging?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/08/2019 07:21

You know the children, so I’ll take your word for it that the niece is not up to the job. DP is also unreasonable to prioritise running over your work. He/she doesn’t sound very supportive.

TidyDancer · 19/08/2019 07:22

I don't see an issue with a 9-year-old being babysat by a 14-year-old but then I also don't see why the run has to take place at that time. It does depend slightly on what you mean by DS being challenging though.

You do have bigger problems than this specifically though re the financial situation. It's about respect for what you do and your position in the relationship. While the financial split is unfair it doesn't sound like the relationship is fair either.

The gender neutral phrasing in the OP is weird. Not sure why you've done that.

donquixotedelamancha · 19/08/2019 07:26

As a separate point, have you discussed splitting household expenses more evenly?

They are not married. DP doesn't see it as a serious enough relationship to put OP's needs above hers. They are nowhere near the kind of commitment needed to share finances.

I don't think she is very unreasonable in going for a run because she clearly sees you as a girlfriend, not a partner. As far as she is concerned the relationship is casual and you both do your own thing.

You don't have a DP. Your GF doesn't sound great. Time for a very serious chat about what you want from all this.

MadeForThis · 19/08/2019 07:36

I'm assuming the initial spilt of finances was 2/3 you to cover you and your Ds. And 1/3 him. That is unfair.

50/50 seems also unfair if you are in a long term relationship and earning significantly less. It looks like he doesn't view himself as responsible for your Ds in any way.

Do you get maintenance for Ds that he sees as part of your earnings?

He shouldn't agree to look after Ds if he isn't willing to actually do it.

Most 9 & 14 year olds would be fine alone for a couple of hours. But you know your Ds.

In your position I would be very unhappy.

1300cakes · 19/08/2019 07:54

I think you are both being a bit UR.

3 hours is a pretty long run, if DP just made it a 2 hour run (which still would be a good long session) it would solve the whole problem. And your work should take priority in this situation.

However I don't see the babysitting arrangements as a big deal. Surely your ds won't even be awake at that time. Or will be on a tablet/game console, and won't even look up the whole time.

Rethymnon · 19/08/2019 08:02

OP, you start off by outlining your financial set up.

Then you talk about the fact your DO’s family are staying in your house and they are all taking your DS out with them for the day, while you go to a meeting.

Yet the AIBU is about whether it’s ok for your DS to be left with this 14 year-old niece.

So please could you clarify -

Where are all the other relatives going to be? Do you mean there’s been a change of plan and that they’re now going on the day out without your DP and DS (why)? and they’re also leaving this 14 year- old behind??

Are your finances an issue? Why mention this otherwise?

Is the DP a woman? If so, why wouid this be relevant to the issue if the 14 year-old being left in charge or not?

NoSquirrels · 19/08/2019 08:11

Is the DP a woman? If so, why wouid this be relevant to the issue if the 14 year-old being left in charge or not?

Why do you want the OP to clarify that? Confused It’s not relevant, which is presumably why they didn’t mention it!

Ihatefootball86 · 19/08/2019 08:18

Re splitting finances, it was 2/3rds me, 1/3 DP for a long time. It's complicated. Took a battle, well a few, to get it split down the middle, I'm not sure it's going to be proportionate to income any time soon.

Ok then. Well I think it's obvious he doesn't exactly have your best interests at heart whether that be financially Or in terms of childcare. Or even keeping promises to you.

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