AIBU for not wanting to visit terminally ill nan today?

[hannahma]

Hi Mumsnetters. In a very difficult situation. My nan has fallen ill with late stage liver cancer. Just last week she was driving her own car and now she is in hospice and cannot walk on her own. It's completely heartbreaking to see her like this. We are close. I live about an hour's drive away and we would visit every other week to do lunch. I would look forward to that so much.

Yesterday I visited along with the rest of my family. I have been going once a week now as I work M-F and have the weekends free. We didn't talk much as I just couldn't manage it without bursting into tears and she seems a bit too tired to talk much anyway. We just sort of sat around and had our own conversations and I looked up and shared a few smiles with her. I have a little daughter and nan watched her play on the floor the entire time and smiled. I had to visit the restroom a time or two to let a few tears out. When we left I just touched her arm and told her "Nice place isn't it Nan, they're taking good care of you" "Happy we got to visit today" and gave her a hug. She kissed DD and touched her for a minute. It was all I could do to keep from crying and as soon as we shut the door I just burst into tears on the way to my car. What I really wanted to say was "I love you Nan and you mean everything to me" but I couldn't say it without crying and I didn't want to upset her or cause a scene.

Now I am home and that end of life guilt has set in, I feel like a terrible granddaughter and I'm so confused and exhausted over what to do now. Is it OK now if I visit her once a weekend now do you think and leave the other day of the weekend for myself? Does Nan know I love her, that's really all I care about now. Selfishly I don't know if I want to visit her today as it's just too draining (feels terrible to admit) and I just want to get my mind off it and bake, go for a walk with DD and DH, etc. I am hoping next week we can visit and her condition won't have deteriorated severely. Perhaps that is my grief setting in. All of these emotions are jumbled up in my head and I feel foggy and guilty and horrid.

Sorry, not a very uplifting thing to talk about is it but I'm just wondering if I've been doing everything alright. AIBU on anything? Perhaps you've been in this unfortunate situation before?

At this rate I just don't know what next week will bring but I have other family flying in late next week so I hope I can say some final goodbyes next weekend if it goes that way.

Tell her exactly what you’ve said on here. That you love her and that she means everything to you. I’m sure it will mean the world to her.

My Grandma is 83 and my Nanny 80. I am so lucky to still have them both at nearly 27 and you have inspired me to make sure that they both know that I absolutely adore them and that they are lights in my life.

Is your nan still conscious and alert OP? When my dad was dying of cancer there was so much I wanted to say, but we were a family that never said I Love You to each other, although we knew that love was there. I got a card for my dad and wrote my feelings in that instead. It was the first time I'd ever seen my dad cry and we hugged and cried a bit and finally said our I Love Yous out loud.

for you at this difficult time.

When my dad was dying I held his hand (he wasn't a hugger so this was unusual) and talked to him about running - he loved running and had done half marathons until 2 years before he died. I said to him 'remember how,it felt when you ran, the air in your face, the feeling of freedom, the sheer exhilaration of the speed under your own steam, the sun on your face'. Remember that. Take yourself there and be free. It's OK to let go'. We all love you'. I cried a lot, but he heard what we all said to him and I'm glad I did - we were never overtly emotional and expressive with each and other and I felt a bit weird and, strangely, a bit embarrassed saying it in front of my family, but so glad I did. I know he heard me.

Talk to her, and cry if you need to, but help her to remember the times full of love and the legacy she is leaving. Her life mattered, so tell her it did, you, and she, will appreciate it more than you can imagine.

Could you get her a little present or a card, some photos in a frame?

If she can still eat why not bake her a cupcake or biscuits if you feel like baking.

Then go to the hospice. If you can't make it in to the room if you're feeling too upset could you just drop the gifts off with the nurses?

My ex partner died of lung cancer. At the end I could not make it into the room as I was too upset and I felt that I wasn't helping him. He was struggling to breathe and in a lot of pain, me crying was just no help. He had his sister and Mum most of the time anyway.

I took in gifts, he couldn't eat, but he liked photos and letters or cards to read.

The nurses were amazing and totally understood.

@hannahma. You need to do what ever you need to do to get through this. You clearly love your nan and had a wonderful relationship. That is what you need to concentrate on for the future.

My DH died three weeks ago, in the end he wasn’t in the hospice long, just one night, I did speak to him but mostly I just sat and held his hand, he was squeezing it so he knew I was there.

Five

I lived miles away when my grandparents died and couldn't physically be there at the end of their lives, in fact my gf died suddenly in his sleep. They knew I loved them, as I told them when I spoke to them each time before. Don't beat yourself up about it. Do what you can. In my experience, especially with my DNan, she wanted to know I was OK and happy and would have hated me to be all stressed out about her. Look after yourself. xx

I was with my Grandma in her final hours, it was just the two of us as my parents were on holiday (we thought we had a couple of weeks more) and my brother had gone to sort some things, she passed just before he got back.

I didn't have the words to speak to her and she was so sleepy so I just gently combed her hair and used the pink sponge things for her mouth care which she seemed to like.

I've lost many loved ones sadly. Go and tell her whatever it is you want to say while you have the chance. Dont live with any regrets. I have to live with it I always thought there would be a next time and that next time never came.

I think the way forward is frequent very short visits. Just pop in for a quick hello rather than sitting with her for ages.

lovely bit of writing that lightlypoached :)

I will forever be glad that I was by my grandmother's side daily for her last two weeks. Tell her how much you love her and how she is everything to you, tell her whatever you want to share with her and do whatever it takes to make peace with what is going to happen soon. I will be forever grateful it was me who heard her last word and felt her last hand squeeze and it was me who saw her smile for the last time before she took a turn for the worst.

In those two weeks she shared with me her life story from start to finish,funny stories about her life and about things we had done together. I was 20 weeks pregnant when she died and she told me how sad she was that she wouldn't see my unborn son, but she gave me a name for my him and told me everything she wished for him and my daughter. It was the most precious two weeks of my life though my heart was broken and I was breaking on the inside. I felt guilt and a part of me wanted to go home the whole time I was there too. We smiled and laughed together but I cried in my car every morning and night and I haven't had a day since March when she passed that I haven't missed her terribly. Do what you have to do. I'm sorry about your nan

Isn't it just?