AIBU for not wanting to visit terminally ill nan today?

[hannahma]

Hi Mumsnetters. In a very difficult situation. My nan has fallen ill with late stage liver cancer. Just last week she was driving her own car and now she is in hospice and cannot walk on her own. It's completely heartbreaking to see her like this. We are close. I live about an hour's drive away and we would visit every other week to do lunch. I would look forward to that so much.

Yesterday I visited along with the rest of my family. I have been going once a week now as I work M-F and have the weekends free. We didn't talk much as I just couldn't manage it without bursting into tears and she seems a bit too tired to talk much anyway. We just sort of sat around and had our own conversations and I looked up and shared a few smiles with her. I have a little daughter and nan watched her play on the floor the entire time and smiled. I had to visit the restroom a time or two to let a few tears out. When we left I just touched her arm and told her "Nice place isn't it Nan, they're taking good care of you" "Happy we got to visit today" and gave her a hug. She kissed DD and touched her for a minute. It was all I could do to keep from crying and as soon as we shut the door I just burst into tears on the way to my car. What I really wanted to say was "I love you Nan and you mean everything to me" but I couldn't say it without crying and I didn't want to upset her or cause a scene.

Now I am home and that end of life guilt has set in, I feel like a terrible granddaughter and I'm so confused and exhausted over what to do now. Is it OK now if I visit her once a weekend now do you think and leave the other day of the weekend for myself? Does Nan know I love her, that's really all I care about now. Selfishly I don't know if I want to visit her today as it's just too draining (feels terrible to admit) and I just want to get my mind off it and bake, go for a walk with DD and DH, etc. I am hoping next week we can visit and her condition won't have deteriorated severely. Perhaps that is my grief setting in. All of these emotions are jumbled up in my head and I feel foggy and guilty and horrid.

Sorry, not a very uplifting thing to talk about is it but I'm just wondering if I've been doing everything alright. AIBU on anything? Perhaps you've been in this unfortunate situation before?

At this rate I just don't know what next week will bring but I have other family flying in late next week so I hope I can say some final goodbyes next weekend if it goes that way.

Try to go without your little girl so that you have the opportunity to say what you want to say. It doesn't matter if the tears flow

PS, if you, or anyone else for that matter , feels a bit awkward holding someone's hand when they are close to death but still conscious then take some hand cream with you and give them a slow gentle hand massage if they are up to it . It is very soothing and relaxing for the person who is being massaged, and gives the massage giver a sense of purpose -it's easy to feel helpless when someone is close to the end of their life and you are not sure what to do for them.

My gran raised me and at the end she went very quickly. It was a matter of weeks from diagnosis to her dying. I saw her every day as luckily I lived 5 mins away from her. It was very hard for me and my dd was only 18 months old at the time. I wanted to spend as much time with her and I wanted to be there for her. She’d spent her adult life looking after her kids and then looking after her grandkids. I wanted to be there for her when she needed us. I still wish we have more time and think about her every day. You’ll regret it if you don’t go

I'm so sorry, op.

Your Nan probably does know you love her, but if you go back and tell her you love her then you will know that she knows. And that could be incredibly important to you in the future.

When I first found out my mum was dying I felt too upset and anxious and afraid to tell her I loved her, but I was able to before she died and I am so glad I did. We cried together too - it's a reflection of how close you are, not a hurtful thing to happen. You're sad to be losing her and she's sad to be leaving you, but you can comfort each other and connect.

It's so hard to know what to do for the best when you're going through this, all you can do is make the best decision at the time. And no matter how long you had there will always have been more you wished you could have said or done, so we can never eliminate any "regrets" after losing someone - but telling her you love her doesn't have to be one of them.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

what have you all said to your loved ones

Talk about memories , "I was thinking about that time we all went to Hastings and it rained cats and dogs ...do you remember"

Talk about your little girl, anything she has said or done recently.

Talk about things that you know are close to both your hearts.

Go.

You'll regret it if you don't.

Hugs xxx

I would most certainly go if you possibly can .I know it so difficult and heart breaking, but if you dont go you may regret it later on . I doesnt matter to anyone if you get upset they are used to it .The staff will often be around for a chat to you .This happened when I visited FIL in hospital ,he was such a kind old boy and I was very close to him .Thinking of you lots of love from here xx

Hannahma you don't have to say anything - just you being there so regularly will mean she knows that you care for her deeply, just as you know she feels the same about you.
You could just hold her hand.
Your just being there is everything and you do not need to do any more.
She will know she is going, and she might actually be relieved to drift away from her discomfort and worn body.
I wouldn't worry about baking for her - when people are so unwell their bodies cannot cope with food or drink.
My sympathies for what you are going through.

I talked to my mum about shared memories. Most of the time I just sat as she was asleep. The last words she said to me were that she loved me, they were mine to her too. It’s a huge comfort to have those memories. 💐

It feels unnatural sobbing through the whole thing but I think when I look on and remember my Nan in 30 years the memory of sobbing at her bedside and letting it all out will be sweeter than wishing I'd have said it.

Please believe me when I say that these current sad emotional weeks will become a distant memory and give way to all the happy memories of your lovely Nan and the wonderful times you shared together when she was well and in her prime.

I can honestly say I rarely, if ever, think about the last weeks of my DBro's life when he was in the hospice, even though I did a lot of those bedside moments like you're doing now. Thinking about it now, makes me remember how glad I was to have the opportunity to tell him numerous times how loved he was, how much he meant to me and how much I admired his achievements. Sounds like you're doing this with your Nan, so no need for any regrets whatever happens 💕

As someone who looks after people who are dying:

Go sooner rather than later, you do not know how well she will be later and if you have things to say, she may not be well enough.

Which is not to say that when she is more poorly she won't just appreciate you sitting there, watching telly, talking amongst yourselves - but she won't be saying anything back.

What do you say - judge how well she is, just like you would in a normal conversation.

Some people want to have an "I love you so much conversation" and some people really find it all quite exhausting and wish you would go away as they are very very tired just want a rest and not to deal with your emotions. Remember the visit is about her and not you so be guided by what she wants to do.

The visit you did just all chatting about normal stuff, Nan watching your little girl playing on the floor and not having to talk much sounds like a wonderful visit and I'm sure she loved it.

When my dad died from liver and lung cancer we slept up the hospital. It was a very short time between being told and him dying as his GP missed the signs and it was only when he was in pain that he ended up at hospital.

We talked about all sorts of memories - sometimes dad was able to join in, sometimes he just lay there listening. We even chatted about the TV programmes he liked watching. Films he used to enjoy, even the latest news - moaning about the idiots out there or finding funnies in the paper to read to him. It became an aim to find funny things to tell him about every day.

We told him we loved him and we knew he was aware of what was happening because he said he loved us too (dad always just said 'me too' if you said you loved him - his way of saying it but he was a 'roughty toughty' man so action spoke louder than words).

I'll always remember that short time because it meant a lot to all of us.

Another one here saying to go and spend as much time with her as you can. Even if she becomes unresponsive, just talk as much as you can/want to her and hold her hand. She will know you are there. You will not regret it. After my dad lost the power of speech towards the end, the last thing he did was lift my hand to his mouth and kiss it. I will never forget it.

Ask her about her childhood and growing up. It's amazing how little we know about our ancestors history and memories. It will be good to tell your DD when she's a bit older.

Well I'd pull up my big girl pants and not sit there sobbing. Your nan does not want to hear you cry.

It is a rare privilege to sit with someone at the end of their life. To sit with them and let them know they are not alone.

I'm sure your nan would rather hear your love for her through stories (of shared memories), talk about the places she loved, the food she loved best, the people she loved. Talk about your dc, what they are doing, how they remind you of her etc.

Play some of her favourite music.

Let her room be filled with love, laughter and happy memories.

When my son was passing at age 18 I was determined he would only hear love and laughter. I did not want to frighten him. If anyone came in and cried they left quietly to compose themselves and came back to share in the love. I told my son how much I loved him, how immensely proud of him I was. Gave him permission to let go when he was ready. I tried to give my son the best death, sourrounded by his most loved family and friends.

My mum died the following year and we did the same for her. Played her songs, talked about funny stories, told her we loved her, told her we were there.

I found the strength to do this for the most important people in my life.

And another saying to go. I sat with my nan in her last days and just held her hand. I remember her hand was under the bedding and I said to my mum I wanted to hold her hand and my nan slowly raised it to me. She couldn’t talk at that point.

Last words I said to her were that I loved her and it was ok to go if she was ready, at the time I would look up online and read somewhere telling them it’s ok to go can help them, I couldn’t bear seeing her in pain anymore.
I went to work and got a call near the end of my shift that she had died, my mum stayed with her day and night for two weeks, and is glad she did.

It’s exhausting, it’s awful but looking back you will be glad you did.

Just say you love her.

Please believe me when I say that these current sad emotional weeks will become a distant memory and give way to all the happy memories of your lovely Nan and the wonderful times you shared together when she was well and in her prime.

This is to true. When Dad was so ill, I felt as though that was how I would remember him, but it's not. Eventually you remember all the happy times, the fun things you've said and done, you remember the 'real' person, not the person in the grip of illness.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Its such a difficult thing to do. I hope you're ok! I am a nurse and witness situations like this nearly on a weekly basis. It sounds like she has deteriorated very suddenly and doesnt have much time left. I am glad you have decided to go and visit her today. Does she have other family with her on the other days? It's so heartbreaking to see, but knowing that she isn't alone will be such a comfort to you.
All of my grandparents died very suddenly, and I regret every day that I didn't go and spend more time with them, but I was so young and didn't really understand. I would do anything to go back and see them one last time. As hard as it is for you, you will not regret spending those precious last moments with her. Sending my love to you Xx

My thoughts are with you. One of my beat friends died last month in a hospice. I live 100 miles away but I went at least twice a week for the last few weeks of her life. I wanted to know that I'd made the most of every minute we had.. It's not easy seeing someone you love deteriorate. One day I had to ask the nurses something at the nurse's station and I got tearful. I apologised and said I was tired and not having a strong day. The nurse gave my arm a squeeze and said "you know it's OK to not always be strong". She was right. Just go, tell your gran about what you've been up to, what your little girl has done. Tell her you love her. You don't even have to stay that long, half an hour or so may be enough. She will get more and more tired. But she'll love your visit. Now my friend has died so many people are kicking themselves that they didn't see her..

I've walked this path three times in the last few months, it's tough and there are no right or wrong answers.
Do you feel you said goodbye to your much loved nan yesterday? If you both said goodbye it's okay. If you need to do that then go back as soon as possible but on your own, slip in, hold her hand, tell her you love her (she already knows) and slip out.
Very unMN but sending love to you and her xx

If you really can't go in person then at least send a letter by first class post. Someone in the hospice will read it to her if needed. Then at least you know that you said what you needed to.

Just go and tell her you love her while you still have the time.

It is so hard but it is much easier if you have a chance to say goodbye. My worst experience of elderly bereavement was when I didn’t say everything I wanted to because I wasn’t expecting death at all at that point. It was such a shock. With my granny I just sat with her, held her hand and said thank you. Sometimes there was just silence but I think it was helpful for her.

My Gran passed away in June and I visited her every week while she was in hospital. Every time I left, I held her hand and kissed her. She knew that I loved her, I didn't have to tell her. I am sure that your Nan knows it too. Please don't beat yourself up about it.

But if you want to tell her, then get somebody to take DD out of the room, or ask if you can be alone with her and then tell her how you feel. She will already know, but do it if you want to.