AIBU for not wanting to visit terminally ill nan today?

[hannahma]

Hi Mumsnetters. In a very difficult situation. My nan has fallen ill with late stage liver cancer. Just last week she was driving her own car and now she is in hospice and cannot walk on her own. It's completely heartbreaking to see her like this. We are close. I live about an hour's drive away and we would visit every other week to do lunch. I would look forward to that so much.

Yesterday I visited along with the rest of my family. I have been going once a week now as I work M-F and have the weekends free. We didn't talk much as I just couldn't manage it without bursting into tears and she seems a bit too tired to talk much anyway. We just sort of sat around and had our own conversations and I looked up and shared a few smiles with her. I have a little daughter and nan watched her play on the floor the entire time and smiled. I had to visit the restroom a time or two to let a few tears out. When we left I just touched her arm and told her "Nice place isn't it Nan, they're taking good care of you" "Happy we got to visit today" and gave her a hug. She kissed DD and touched her for a minute. It was all I could do to keep from crying and as soon as we shut the door I just burst into tears on the way to my car. What I really wanted to say was "I love you Nan and you mean everything to me" but I couldn't say it without crying and I didn't want to upset her or cause a scene.

Now I am home and that end of life guilt has set in, I feel like a terrible granddaughter and I'm so confused and exhausted over what to do now. Is it OK now if I visit her once a weekend now do you think and leave the other day of the weekend for myself? Does Nan know I love her, that's really all I care about now. Selfishly I don't know if I want to visit her today as it's just too draining (feels terrible to admit) and I just want to get my mind off it and bake, go for a walk with DD and DH, etc. I am hoping next week we can visit and her condition won't have deteriorated severely. Perhaps that is my grief setting in. All of these emotions are jumbled up in my head and I feel foggy and guilty and horrid.

Sorry, not a very uplifting thing to talk about is it but I'm just wondering if I've been doing everything alright. AIBU on anything? Perhaps you've been in this unfortunate situation before?

At this rate I just don't know what next week will bring but I have other family flying in late next week so I hope I can say some final goodbyes next weekend if it goes that way.

My advice, as above, would be to go today. My granny died in hospital 3 months ago. Although she was ill, her sudden passing was unexpected and I'm SO glad I visited her every other day. We were always very close, she was my best friend. It doesn't sound like your grandmother has much time left, so as painful as it is, go and say everything you want to. It doesn't matter if there are tears (and there will be). Regrets last a lifetime, you don't want that hanging over you x

You need to go. Yes it's exhausting and draining and everything else, but you will so regret it if you don't.
I sat with my Dad every day for 6 weeks, looking back I don't know how we did it, we just did, and I'm so glad...I got the chance to tell him everything I felt, I thanked him for being such an amazing dad and I was able to tell him how much I love him...he appeared to be out of it bit when I was talking to him he squeezed my hand and that was priceless to me.

I think your plan is actually quite sensible. It’s so hard to have a relative dying. You need to take care of you too.

Everyone grieves differently, and that’s ok.

I'm so sorry, OP

It's difficult, but in your shoes I'd go. I lost my own grandmother two years ago. She had cancer but had been fairly sprightly and living at home. I thought I might go and visit her on a Thursday afternoon even if it was after work and I was tired. I'm forever grateful I went as she slipped into a coma early on Friday morning and died on the Tuesday. All that was to say, nobody knows how things will pan out, go and visit while you have the chance.

My nan died of liver cancer, only diagnosed in late stage because she hid how ill she was feeling.
I had just had my first baby and I couldn't drive. I visited her once in hospital so she could meet my son.
I never got to see her again. She died two weeks later. To this day I regret not finding a way to get to see her again, I regret not holding her hand and telling her I loved her. I regret not singing that special song to her one last time.
It would have broken me to do it, but all the same I wish I had.

If you wanted to tell her you love her, then find time today or tomorrow and go and do it.

OP I am really sorry to hear about your Nan.I say this from experience,please go.This isnt about what you feel now its more about how you will feel after she has died.Regret is a terrible thing.She knows you love her I am sure and I know how hard it is for you and all your family but she needs you now and her needs should be paramount.I wish you all peace and these coming days will be difficult but if you can all stick together it will make the days and years ahead slightly better.Take care and best wishes sent.

If you can manage it I would go, even if your nan is sleeping or cannot talk I'm sure your presence will be of some comfort. Please don't worry about what to say, favourite memories or even jokes about old times. There is nothing wrong with tears either, be kind to yourself. I wish you peace and strength for the coming days

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, it’s completely heartbreaking. I was in a similar situation about 11 years ago and chose not to see my Nan, thinking it’d be too hard. This is one of my biggest regrets. She should have known I was there.

Now, as a nurse, I see a lot of palliative care patients. I’d always say to a family to just keep talking, even if it may seem daft to them...the smallest of things will make a huge difference to someone who is dying. Tell her you love her. It doesn’t matter if you cry. Just opening up and showing how much you love her will mean the world.

I’m so sorry again xx

I still regret not going to visit my grandma in her final illness. We didn't know it was her final illness, thought she was improving, I lived some distance away, and was working shit hours...but those are all just excuses that don't matter now. I wish I'd gone. Years too late now.

Go

She means everything to you and this could be your last chance

Crying with her is fine as it’s more important that you tell her you love her and let her know how much she means to you. You won’t upset her and may indeed bring her joy to hear your words.

I think I would go. My mum died in an accident on holiday and the hardest part for me is that I didn’t get to say goodbye and tell her how much I loved her.

Wishing you strength and peace.

I’m so sorry about your Nan. I have to agree with others I’m afraid- if she’s in a hospice she most likely won’t have weeks left. I would go as much as I could. Yes, you need time for yourself but you can do that once she’s not here anymore. So sorry

I agree. Anything could happen on any day, you might regret it x

Please go. For your nan's sake and for your own.

Am sure you have made your decision for today and whatever you decided will have been right for you. I hope you do get a chance to go and see your grandma, just you and her. Just sitting quietly can be as good as chatting. Talking is good as well and it doesn’t really matter what you talk about as the sound of your voice will be enough. She will know you are there, even if she is unconscious there is awareness. Touch is important so hold her hand if you want to, basically anything you want to do is right. Tell her you love her, she knows that already but saying it as well is good.

As you can see there are lots of MNers who have been there and understand. It is very very hard so cherish every day, hour and moment you can have with your grandma. Something to remember afterwards, you carry some of your Grandma in you via your Mum or Dad. You will always have that within you and no one can take it away. Xxxx

Hi op, I lost my nan in June. She was like a
Mum to me and we were so close.
I was her unofficial carer for the last few years as she had dementia but them became very ill and had to go into residential care. She developed an infection and ended up in hospital at the end of May and deteriorated quickly.

The day she died I was the same as you, unsure what to do and I wasn't well. I didn't go. I was in bed that night and received a call that she was dying and to get there quick.
I missed it by 5 minutes. The guilt I'm feeling is horrible.
I sat with her for an hour and told her everything I wanted to say.
She had her daughter with her when she passed away. My poor dad was out of the country as she had slightly improved the week before and the family insisted he go.

It was a horrible night. I wish I had gone in that day but I can't change it now.
If you can go then please do.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation.
Wishing you lots of strength to get through the coming days, weeks, months

I don't think your nan will be upset if you have a good cry at her bedside. And no one in the hospice will mind either. If it's one thing I have learned over the years it's that a hospice is a place where you can and should be honest with your emotions in front of other people, you don't have to cry in the toilets, or wait to cry in your car (though you probably will) because it is absolutely fine to sit next to a dying person and howl your eyes out. You will probably cry for 5 or ten minutes, feel awful at the time but feel a lot better in yourself afterwards. Your nam knows she is dying, she knows you are feeling sad, it won't upset her.

Tell her how much you love her and how much she means to you. I never said these things to my DM as I didn't understand how ill she was, and decades later it's still one of my biggest regrets.

It is so hard. My dad died a few weeks ago. He was in a hospice at the end. I didn't visit him the day before her died but i don't regret it. Without saying anything at all i said everything i needed to him. I spoke to him about fun time we had had and stroked his arm. I am bereft he is no longer in my life but i am happy he is no longer in pain.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to death and dying. If you feel you have left something unsaid then go again. She may not live long enough for you to do this if you wait. From walking into the hospice for pain management to him dying was less than 3 weeks for my dad.

for you. It is very tough. My DDs were so upset to have lost their beloved grandad.

Go today. My dad had cancer that had spread to his liver. He was weak but laughing and messing around on the day he was taken into the hospice but only lasted another 4 days. Go and say what you need to while you have the chance.

So sorry OP.

It’s such a shock when it’s sudden.

Your Nan will definitely know you love her, I had a very similar situation with someone very precious to me, it is heartbreaking.

Do what you think is best for you. It won’t help your Nan, if you get upset even though it’s completely understandable in the circumstances.

I saw my relation for one more visit, and too be honest with hindsight I wish I didn’t, I won’t go into the circumstances.

So sorry your family are going through it, it’s a very tough time.

It’s a very difficult situation. There’s no right or wrong answer. My Nan died a few years ago now in hospital. I visited her the week before she died, she was obviously very ill but she was dressed, sitting up in bed on top of the covers and talking lots. We set her up with a little radio and headphones as she was missing listening to music, and it was a lovely visit.

Then I visited the following weekend (like you, I was working and the distance was too far to go during the week) and she had deteriorated a huge amount that week, she had tubes everywhere and was awake but unresponsive, I don’t think she knew I was there. I found it very upsetting. She died a few days later. In many ways, I wish my last memory of her had been the first visit when we had a lovely chat and she had been thrilled to see us and was my nan, not the shell I saw on my last visit.

Hi all, can't thank you enough, after reading all of your comments I've decided to pop in and see her soon and just deal with what emotions it brings. I think part of it was that I couldn't talk to her without crying and I didn't want to upset her, but as you have all said she knows she is dying and the hospice staff have seen it all before I am sure. I'm sure I'll go in sobbing like a sad pup but I'll have DH bring plenty of tissues.

What have you all said to your loved ones? What should I say? Do I just let it all come out naturally? I don't want to miss a thing. It feels unnatural sobbing through the whole thing but I think when I look on and remember my Nan in 30 years the memory of sobbing at her bedside and letting it all out will be sweeter than wishing I'd have said it.

If there is something you want to say then say it and visit as often as your able too as you don’t know how long she’ll be here for. It’s the not visiting and not saying what you wanted that your regret!

Yes it’s tough but stuff like this is tough on everyone, you just deal with it because you have no other choice