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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what happened when you started being more assertive?

53 replies

cowsoy · 18/08/2019 12:12

I am a bit of a doormat and recognize that I need to be more assertive.

I am often a bit worried about coming across as blunt or rude though.

I think people are so used to me being a doormat that even a polite "No, sorry, I'm busy" or something can come across as a big shock to them and sound ruder than if it was coming from someone else.

Anyway, I'd be interested to hear stories from those of you that began being more assertive. What changed? How did people react? Has it been very positive?

(not really looking for tips on how to be assertive, just people's experiences).

OP posts:

CarolDanvers · 18/08/2019 12:19

With family and my ex H there were huge, at times very nasty arguments. There was talk of me being aggressive and belligerent and even concerns expressed about mental health issues. Some people, especially abusive ones, really don't like it when you put boundaries in place. Ultimately I have lost relationships with family entirely purely for mirroring their behaviour towards me back to them. They simply couldn't comprehend that I wasn't being nasty, spiteful, aggressive etc, just doing to them what they do to me.

I feel a lot better for it and a lot stronger in myself. I wish I had had it in me to do it years ago.

MollyCuddle · 18/08/2019 12:23

They don't like it and accuse you of been rude.

messolini9 · 18/08/2019 12:24

something can come across as a big shock to them and sound ruder than if it was coming from someone else.

Just turn the thinking on this one upside down - if they are going to be more shocked because someone they perceive as meek is going to challenge them than they would be by someone else ... there's your cue that you need to be more assertive.

It's difficult at first but gets easier.
Then it simply becomes a useful part of your social toolkit.
When I started to get more assertive, people took the piss less, I felt better understood, & more able to negotiate fair solutions for all parties.

TheInebriati · 18/08/2019 12:26

It provokes some extremely nasty and controlling behaviour from people who are used to being able to use you, and you need the skin of a rhino. You'll be shocked at the level of nastiness that people are prepared to use while at the same time insisting they are only doing it for your own good.
You will lose some friends.

Then all the fuss dies down, life gets easier, and you make new ones who don't use you.

Elliebellbell · 18/08/2019 12:28

Controlling, bullying types don't cope well when you start saying no. They're so used to getting their own way they get more and more unpleasant to force you into caving.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 12:31

Some people did react negatively and they sort of self selected out of my life. At least to a degree that felt reasonable.

My ex actually saw it as me being "easy going" when we met and becoming "uptight and rigid". The only ways I would say I become more assertive in terms of our relationship is that I'd insist on the living room TV more often. Before, I'd watch what he doesn't like elsewhere so he became accustomed to always watching his things with the comforts of the living room. That's because he was a really good partner and I didn't have to be assertive about other things. Still it was enough for him to eventually feel we were too different.

We're very close friends though so it isn't like we are now completely estranged.

BornInAThunderstorm · 18/08/2019 12:32

I find being assertive difficult but recently had a promotion that meant I had to lead a team, sometimes when I asked them to do things I would get ignored or they would question me, these things have helped:

don’t fill the silences or waffle. Say what you have to say and don't feel the need to embellish or apologise etc. Short simple sentences
say it with a smile, if you are saying no to something a polite smile will make it clear there is no problem

Don’t make it personal, i.e instead of saying No I can’t say no its not possible.

blackcat86 · 18/08/2019 12:33

I used to try to be the dutiful DW, DIL and SM but then had an awful pregnancy and traumatic birth that nearly resulted in losing DD. The behaviour of DH and his side of the family was appalling. When I started to recover from the aftermath and PND (which they totally ignored) I decided I was done. I have become a different person. It's not that I dont care it's just that if people can put you down when you're at your most vulnerable then why would you ever do anything for them. I care about DD and myself and that's it. It has not gone down well and MIL has escalated her passive aggression. Its actually been useful because shes done it to a point that shes embarrassed herself publically and the mask has fallen from behaviour she kept secretive.. I've forced DH into marriage counselling which he hates but has made him realise some home truths. I have literally zero fucks to give now and just applied for a big promotion at work because hey why not.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 18/08/2019 12:34

Sulking. Accusations of being selfish.

BornInAThunderstorm · 18/08/2019 12:34

Sorry posted to soon, meant to say doing those things has made things easier at work but I have also found people less friendly with me. I’m not being included in social chit chat etc but I suppose that’s just the price I have had to pay to progress in my role

PennyB40 · 18/08/2019 12:40

I had a bitch of a manager, and assumed the problem was me, so I was even nicer to her which was like a red rag to a bull for those sorts. It dawned on me that she was the problem so when I started telling her she was unreasonable she went into a massive rage which ended up getting her the sack.
I have learned though that if you start off very assertive at the slightest hint of trouble and have firm boundaries, people are more appreciative when you show your nice side and are less likely to take the piss.

skybluee · 18/08/2019 12:41

Got asked what was wrong with me - kind of had it flipped back with 'concern' that there was something wrong with me or it was bad to speak out/speak loudly.

Missingstreetlife · 18/08/2019 12:47

Carol,that wasn't assertive. Sounds like you had every reason to be rude and pay them back., but its not assertive
Op read Ann Dixon, a woman in her own right. Assertive is not rude, just clear and straightforward. Should be less conflict as no hints and miscommunications to be understood.

ItsInTheSpoon · 18/08/2019 12:48

I’m glad you started this thread - I was actually thinking of starting one myself (in respect of a particular family member and what she expects from me). I feel like the scales have dropped from my eyes and there are some people who I thought were lovely but it was only because I was always doing things the way they wanted all the time. They show their true colours now if I even mildly disagree - but I am painted as unreasonable, difficult, horrible etc. It’s really difficult.

Original poster

cowsoy · 18/08/2019 12:49

It's funny what you say about the red rag to a bull, PennyB40.

I was bullied at work a few years ago and tried to appease the bully through the 'killing them with kindness'' route and it just pissed them off even more. Mental.

OP posts:

CarolDanvers · 18/08/2019 12:51

Carol,that wasn't assertive. Sounds like you had every reason to be rude and pay them back., but its not assertive

I'm sorry but I disagree with you. It was all part of the process.

GiveMeHope103 · 18/08/2019 12:51

You come across as being awful because you now have a voice or opinion. It took a while but I no longer care and have had to cut out a good few people.

crosser62 · 18/08/2019 12:56

I feel better for it.
Empowered actually.

Assertive with a “don’t give a flying fuck “ attitude.

I’m old. I’m tired. My doormat days are gone.

Faith50 · 18/08/2019 13:01

I lost a few friends as the dynamics change d. They were used to me being passive. As I came into my own, I found my voice.

I have no problems in saying no now just as people have no problems with saying no to me.

Someone mentioned they were surprised to discover some people were not as nice as they had presumed, now that they were no longer meeting their needs.

An ex friend asked for an ongoing favour which I knew I could not commit to. I explained why and thought she was cool with it. She cut me off.

MrsHarveySpecterV · 18/08/2019 13:16

I started to be less of a people pleaser when I had children. Stood up for myself against my father's wife who had bullied me on and off for years, stopped being the one to always make arrangements for meet ups with friends, etc. As a result my father has gone NC with me and I have lost 'friends' who stopped bothering with me when I wasn't running round after them anymore. It was a tough and year breaking two years but now I am happier and have some really great people around me. I don't regret standing up for myself for a second.

MrsHarveySpecterV · 18/08/2019 13:16

*heartbreaking

R44Me · 18/08/2019 13:24

I don't think people like or admire a woooss. I certainly don't. I don't like owing people favours, so if you have a drippy 'nice' workmate who is always doing stuff you don't ask of them so that you are obliged to be grateful it really irritates.
And people don't respect doormats, they think you are stupid to be a doormat, not nice. And it is harder to deal with someone who always says yes, even if it doesn't suit them, much better if the person you are dealing with says no thanks or I can't manage that or I don't want to do that, than have them be 'nice' and pootle about doing something it obviously doesn't suit them to do. Makes you feel bad for asking.

sackrifice · 18/08/2019 13:27

I, as a naive 18 year old, used to work on construction sites. This was during the 80s and 90s.

You don't get far working in construction without being able to give some back.

It was a good lesson in life, having to make your point without worrying quite so much about what people were thinking about you having the sheer audacity to make a point.

One of my roles was to test the concrete mix and be on site at 7am for the first concrete pour. i had around 20 blokes stood around me, mostly middle aged, most of whom would lose money if they couldn't start work on time, and it was my job to tell them whether the concrete in the mixer was ok to use or if I had to send it back. Which would then also cost the driver's company money as it was then wasted.

Facing a wall of unhappy men became a regular occurrence.

Nothing much has changed in life.

You just have to stand your ground and don't let them walk all over you. Whoever it is.

I don't think I'd say 'sorry I'm busy' unless i really was sorry and really was busy. I learn a long time ago never to apologise.

I am often a bit worried about coming across as blunt or rude though.

Why? What's the worst that could happen if you were blunt or rude?

Original poster

cowsoy · 18/08/2019 13:31

R44Me:

I think that's fair to say. I think though that you are confusing being unassertive with being drippy, overly nice or irritating. I think they can be two different things, although there certainly can be overlap.

OP posts:

growlingbear · 18/08/2019 13:32

What happened to me is it cured my depression and my need to please others or be liked evaporated. Now I don't give a toss who likes me except my DC, DH, DSis and DBro. Everyone else can think what they want. Though weirdly, I get asked to things more often now than when I was desperate to be liked. I'm easier to be with, I think, now I'm less polite and deferential. Meek people can be so exhausting.

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