To wonder what happened when you started being more assertive?

[cowsoy]

I am a bit of a doormat and recognize that I need to be more assertive.

I am often a bit worried about coming across as blunt or rude though.

I think people are so used to me being a doormat that even a polite "No, sorry, I'm busy" or something can come across as a big shock to them and sound ruder than if it was coming from someone else.

Anyway, I'd be interested to hear stories from those of you that began being more assertive. What changed? How did people react? Has it been very positive?

(not really looking for tips on how to be assertive, just people's experiences).

The word deferential reminds me of a recurring situation:

someone asks me, for example, do u want to eat X or Y.

I literally have no preference so I say, I have no preference, you make the decision.

Is that being unassertive?

I know it would be if I really wanted to eat X and said Y just to please the other person. But I literally could not care less between the two.

I literally have no preference so I say, I have no preference, you make the decision.

Why don't you have a preference?

Surely most people would prefer one or the other when asked or say 'I love both so either suits' rather than 'i have no preference, you make the decision' as that really sounds as if you just don't give a shit and to be honest, if I was making that food I'd probably not bother cooking either. It's the difference between being positive [i love both] or a drip [i have no preference].

It didn’t go down well with most of my family. I was respectful and chose my words carefully so as not to make my siblings feel blamed. My sister started what I can only describe as a smear campaign - that I was having some kind of breakdown and threatening to cut off anyone who disagreed with me. I spent two years knowing whose ear she had been in because they’d give me “the talk” about being more tolerant, and how cutting people off wasn’t the answer.
In the end I was becoming so anxious about being around them, and it ended with a blow up row with one of my brothers. He tripped himself up with his gaslighting, then smirked at me. Broke my heart, he was my best friend, or so I thought. I realised they didn’t even care about the truth, suppressing dissension was the aim.
So I did cut off contact, and my sister got to be right. They did me a favour. It sounds grim, and it was, but I am very much happier in my life. There’s a joy in everyday things I didn’t have before.
And I got to see which of my brothers were pleased that I had stopped being a doormat, and their support is worth more than all the others.

I have waffled. I think what I’m trying to say is don’t let fear of losing people stop you. You get to keep the good people in your life, and have more time and happiness to give them.

One of my DDs is used to me dropping everything the minute she needs my help.

The last occasion she expected me to cancel an appointment at short notice, which I would probably have been charged for, for something that really wasn't important, I said I didn't want to cancel; the first time I'd ever refused.

She sulked and didn't speak to me for well over two weeks, and even when she did eventually speak to me, as it was impossible to avoid, she was very cool with me.

It was all really unpleasant and left me feeling very upset.

Would I do it again? Yes.

I'm always there when they needs me, always ready to help, spent ££££ on things for her and her family - she's married with children - and I'm just fed up with the idea that I should be waiting to be at their beck and call.

I was assertive with my sibling and she basically cut me off - I'm thinking the relationship wasn't great in the first place when me finally expressing my point of view caused it to end, so although this sounds like a negative story, it was actually a really positive, liberating experience - I'd wanted to say no for years.

I found that reasonable people had no negative reaction when I started putting boundaries in place. The people who acted like I was unreasonable were CFs themselves.

I too had a horrible bitch of a boss and when I tried to kill her with kindness it seemed to make her hate me even more. When I decided to just ignore her unless expressly asked about work she was completely taken aback and fell over herself to be nice to me

My difficulty is with family and maintaining meet-ups for my DCs and their cousins, whilst having to deal with unreasonable behaviour on the part of DSis which I’d prefer not to have to engage with.

My difficulty is with family and maintaining meet-ups for my DCs and their cousins I felt the same way but I had to let it go - my sibling can be so overwhelmingly bossy and unpleasant, I had had enough. I plan my visits home when she is not there, my Mum knows the score - I don't intend to keep a dispute going but family aren't worth a shit when they don't care about how you feel.

Marriage broke down. Relationship with my father broke down long before. Relationship with my mother has only survived because of the dc. Work and career stuff great though

family aren't worth a shit when they don't care about how you feel you’ve got that right

Well, the very same people who are always saying "you need to stand up for yourself" and "you need to say something" actually mean you need to act like this towards everyone else but them.

It's the people who want you to be "stronger like them" who seem to have the biggest problem when they are no longer overpowering you.

I felt empowered for doing what I know is right rather than what would please everybody else. Yet, being more assertive seems to create more constant problems that need dealing with in relationships. This is often more exhausting and stressful than the initial problem is worth.

I'm blunt by nature, but until a while ago had been a complete people pleaser. Always trying to do right and actually worrying when I upset people.
Then my health caved in, both mentally and physically, and things changed.

Dynamics are now very different. I have lost a few people in the process - some "friends" and close family - but I have gained a lot, too. I have made contact with a long-lost family member, who had similarly been ousted and we get on like a house on fire. I have made new friends who treat me as an equal. Some people get upset, but I have actually found that it's not the end of the world if they do and if they do care, they come back.

Some people will react badly, will try to make you feel bad or cut you off. Some will start bitching.

But on the whole, being assertive gains you a lot of respect and people are actually nicer to you if they meet the assertive you straight from the word go.

It's interesting you say OP about having no preference, when I became more assertive to be honest I realised I actually did have preferences but had become so used to people pleasing I actually had to retrain myself to listen to them.

Like many pp I found that the most controlling people around me didn't like it.

I have always been assertive at work but not so much at home, the catalyst for me was having ds1 and my exmil behaviour. There was a point where I just snapped. I'd had enough.

The bad bits were some of my most toxic but close relationships were irrevocably changed. It definitely partly led to my divorce because I saw how passive and toxically lazy my exdh was.

However, my career flew....my self esteem and mental health joined it.

I'd say I changed at around 33 and now at 40 I genuinely do not care what others think of me. I myself hold myself to account to be polite and compassionate but I do not do being a doormat anymore.

I still see some of my peers worrying for example about what others think if a behaviour , or an outfit and I feel fortunate to feel so free.

Now relationships seem better for , people know where they are with me and I have more friends now than before and they are the right kind.

I guess to sum up, you lose the assholes and they kick and scream on the way out but you get back a better version of yourself and its glorious.

Whatwillhappentomorrow Your last paragraph is exactly what I was left feeling when I stood up for myself with my DD.

It's been about a month now since I didn't do what she wanted and things still aren't right. Had I just gone along with what she wanted we'd be okay and there wouldn't be this coolness between us.

However, how long are us doormats supposed to just keep on doing things to suit others that cause inconvenience to us just to keep the peace? There comes a time when you think, enough is enough.

I literally have no preference so I say, I have no preference, you make the decision.

Bent over backwards for my job, working evenings and weekends, juggling DH and DC. Easily 40+ a week. Requested flexible working for one day a week to start early and pick DD up from school and they said no - not just no, but said would only do it if I worked more hours so would have been impossible to balance work/family life.

Quit that toxic place and haven't looked back. Don't miss the job one bit now and have had more time with family, DH feels like he has his wife back and going to work 35-37 hr week in future 👍

Oops posted too soon - I've got to say OP, abdicating decision making like that can be intensely irritating. If you really don't mind, just pick one! Don't make the other person do all the work.

When DHs sis met me she thought she could walk all over me. How wrong she was. About 20 years ago on Christmas Day after I had worked a Christmas morning on a busy medical ward I arrived at DHs other sisters house for Christmas. His sis asked me to bandage her leg. Never again did she ask me anything. The whole family got a taste of my assertiveness and never took the piss again!

Controlling boyfriends certainly don't like it!

Also certain (not all) men say that they like a strong woman, when, in fact, they most certainly do not.

Other people will respect you a bit more because they know where they stand and I have found people will trust you because they know you are confident enough to tell them the truth.

It is a bit of a skill learning how to do it without being bolshy! Most of the time I manage it ok though.

Yes exactly pigsDOfly. You kind of reach your limit. The trouble is I think I am so exhausted from the constant agro being assertive caused that I have slowly slipped back into being a doormat again.

It isn't so much worrying what other people think. It's living with the hassle of other people's reactions when you don't think the same as them. It's draining.

@cowsoy

The word deferential reminds me of a recurring situation:

someone asks me, for example, do u want to eat X or Y.

I literally have no preference so I say, I have no preference, you make the decision.

is that being unassertive?

It's being passive, but you can say passive words in an assertive, aggressive, or passive way.

Just for the love of God please sometimes make a decision, even if you really don't mind! If you always say this I guarantee the are people in your life that you are driving slowly batty 🤪 having to make decisions on your behalf.

I had to learn not to go from doormat to the other rude extreme as I'm socially anxious & find stuff like this scary & that can make me over react. So I followed an assertive colleagues fri ndly but firm style which has worked. Its been 90% positive except with an emotionally abusive Mother. She was enraged that the worm had turned. The resulting foot stamping, purple faced, saliva spitting, sheer venom & screaming insults I got decided me that NC was the best option. And it has been. No regrets & a weights lifted. I saw her once by chance after that, she was nervous & knew she'd crossed a line but wanted to pretend nothing happened. I felt totally detached: & empowered.

@Coffeeandchocolate9

Maybe they are driving me slowly batty by always asking me to make decisions on their behalf! They obviously have a preference, so why don't they decide? Why do they ask me?

DH: Shall we have an Indian or Chinese? Me: I'm happy either way, whatever you want. DH: Me: So why ask?

Maybe in future I'll just always go for the first one they mention? But then I'll probably get an "oh I would have preferred Chinese..."

I am often a bit worried about coming across as blunt or rude though

The art of assertiveness is the steady gaze, the slowing down of speech and the lowering of voice. The more you can practice these traits of assertiveness the more empowered you become, and the less aggressive or blunt you come across.

Remember, you are in control, you recognise and acknowledge the other person's perspective but you are also crystal clear in your own mind what it is you need ( remember, your wants and needs are equally valid to anyone else's) and if it's important enough you don't buckle in and allow yourself to be railroaded, obfuscated and brow-beaten into something you don't want.

It takes years of practice until the time you realise 'your field is completely baron of fucks'.

Also think, the worse that can happen is that the person goes NC with you - in fact, turn that around. If that's their decision, it's actually the best that can happen. They've done to hard work and saved you the job!

DH: Shall we have an Indian or Chinese? Me: I'm happy either way, whatever you want

How about:

DH: Shall we have an Indian or Chinese?
Me: I'm having Indian tonight, that's what I fancy. You can have what you like. It doesn't have to be the same as me. We can use JustEat, right?