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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think DD (just turned 14) might be being groomed on instagram...

78 replies

TrigglyPufff · 18/08/2019 09:16

Don't have time to NC as this is happening as I write, I just hope this very personal thread doesn't get published in a bloody tabloid.

So DD has just turned 14. She is quite a quiet girl and doesn't have a busy social life, she's quite shy. She and all her friends have Instagram and there has never been anything untoward. Our accounts are separate but linked so I can access hers.

Yesterday she receives a message from a '15 year old Italian boy' asking if they can chat. There are only 4 photos on his page, it all seems a bit dodgy. So they chatted fairly innocently for a while. She seems really exited to have a boy to talk to. She is naive for her age. He messaged her last thing last night then fort thing this morning, he's now saying he'd like to meet up and could come to England and that he thinks she's 'different' and 'kind'.

AIBU and massively overreacting?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 18/08/2019 09:45

www.tineye.com/

Reverse image search.

TatianaLarina · 18/08/2019 09:45

Many people would be wise to it though and not use traceable images.

PotteringAlong · 18/08/2019 09:46

Definitely report to the police!

BuzzyFly · 18/08/2019 09:46

I did reverse images searches when I was online dating. Turns out I was being scammed with images from a French Actors Casting Catalogue! Very glad I had the nous to check.

Rhinosaurus · 18/08/2019 09:47

Watch Kayleigh’s love story with her

SmartPlay · 18/08/2019 09:48

I'd certainly have a serious talk with her and make her block him. However, I would wait how it goes on first, how your daughter reacts.
That way you can find out HOW concerned you have to be. Because maybe you'll find out she's sensible and not believing every shit he tells her?

Gowgi · 18/08/2019 09:52

Oh no, definitely dodge, don’t block without telling her but talk to her about it, I’m sorry.

It’s hard enough being a 14 yr old girl, I would hate for her confidence to get knocked.

Also sometimes, it can be someone she might know contacting her, to play games or take the piss, I remember a student of mine being contacted by other students pretending to be a boy and it escalated into a very mean bullying incident.

At that age, ONLY talk to people you know ALWAYS.

surlycurly · 18/08/2019 10:02

This happened to my daughter two years ago with a Moroccan boy. Despite me thinking she'd blocked him she kept talking to him. He had almost the same script but started to talk to her about religion. Eventually went to a sleepover and spoke to him on the phone. It was an adult man and the number was in the UK. We got the police involved but I never heard any more about it. Very scary situation

NewStarterPack · 18/08/2019 10:03

I'd show her Rhino's video. I'll be showing that to my son later.
I think you also need to take steps to start and distract her from social media e.g. get her to take up some hobbies, build self esteem so she is more resilient to not be drawn into stuff like that.

Spinderellacutituponetime · 18/08/2019 10:08

If she has a private account and the rule was/is just stick to friends then that’s not what is happening. Sounds like you need to have a really good chat with her, explain the internet safety bit and that rules are rules. Not all children have the emotional intelligence to deal with social media and all it’s pitfalls. 😔

Ellmau · 18/08/2019 10:10

This one is so obviously dodgy I think you should take it to the police.

sackrifice · 18/08/2019 10:17

Show her a photo of 'secret gamer girl'.

Sounds so cool, right?

internet picture on the left, reality on the right.

On the internet, nobody knows you are a dodgy as fuck old bloke with a fetish dog

I think DD (just turned 14) might be being groomed on instagram...
funnylittlefloozie · 18/08/2019 10:18

Just chiming in here to agree that this is potentially serious and you must act. Its great that you seem to have caught it early, before she gets emotionally tied in to this situation.

If you can, block his account, and have a VERY serious talk with her about online safety. Get her to watch that video (there are others). Be firm about the fact that she broke your rule - she added someone she didn't know.

Best of luck, OP, i hope you can get this sorted out very soon.

TantricTwist · 18/08/2019 10:20

Tell the police - they chase these things up so don't block yet but keep her very busy and off the phone.

GabsAlot · 18/08/2019 10:48

If it was private how would he message her or have they changed things on IG

Just block and tell her why

Sooverthemill · 18/08/2019 10:51

gabsalot anyone can direct message you via Instagram but it goes to 'requests ' if they don't follow you.

AngelasAshes · 18/08/2019 10:56

I think the coming to England to meet up is the red flag tbh.
Lots of lonely kids online.
I’d have a chat with DD and then handle it with her. Its too bad, but think of it as a teaching exercise where you are showing her how to stay safe.
My DD17 went through something similar. She started chatting with an 18yr old woman in London (DD was 16). Within days, the teen wanted her to come to London for day out and go to an evening show. I know sex trafficking rings use women to lure in young girls who then disappear. DD looks young for her age and is very pretty. So, I told DD, no way, we don’t know this girl or anything about her. You are NOT at 16 taking train to London by yourself for day + evening. She’s 18, tell her to come and meet you here in our town. So the girl came up here 3x over course of a year.
The girl ended up being legit and DD has now been to London for a day to meet her..but not alone with her group of local friends.

You can’t be too careful. But with case of Italian boy...very suspicious. I kind of wish schools would set up online pen pals. I remember being your DDs age how the schools would set us up with a pen pal in Europe. Because it was school to school you could be sure the person was another kid. Mine was a Greek boy Arturo and we wrote forvyears.

Original poster
TrigglyPufff · 18/08/2019 10:57

Ive just called the police and they say they can't do anything as an offence hasn't been committed

OP posts:
whattodowith · 18/08/2019 10:58

YANBU. Block the account and make her privatise her account too.

Sooverthemill · 18/08/2019 11:00

Take a look at this for advice OP

pikapikachu · 18/08/2019 11:00

If this was the programme Catfish, they'd do an image search on those photos and find out where the photos came from online. Could you do this before she came back?

AngelasAshes · 18/08/2019 11:02

Since OPs DD is 14, I’d be more focussed on showing her how to stay safe and what to look out for and tell her she can always talk to me about anything that looks off.
I think the whole “you broke my rule” and “only talk to people you know” will not teach her any of the skills she needs to stay safe once she is older. It will just instill fear and helplessness. Especially since lots of people, legit people, DO meet online and so you have to teach kids how to filter out the good from the bad.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 18/08/2019 11:04

If you want to send me the image privately (if that is allowed) I have the google image reverse app. Or you can down load it yourself if that is essier for you. But you should do one, then you can speak to your daughter about it showing her the pics are fake

JinglingHellsBells · 18/08/2019 11:08

You could take over the chat and set up a honey trap by 'meeting' him. But observing from a distance. And telling the police.

Betty777 · 18/08/2019 11:11

Even if he actually IS a 15 year old Italian boy, she does not want to speak to someone who is contacting girls he doesn't know on instagram.
Maybe point out to her (if she doesn't believe he's a fake) that that's kind of sleazy behaviour to start with.

I am 42 years old, single, and possibly about to start online dating, but I always instantly decline friend requests from anyone I don't know in real life. It's just not an appropriate way to meet strangers. Ever