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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be very suspicious of this ....

76 replies

Homealonealways · 18/08/2019 03:34

DH travels ALOT with work. Not quite FIFO but not far off it. I get really, really lonely. Have a job, good circle of friends but no family - all these things are wonderful but not the same as being with your husband. DH has suggested me 'dating' if I'm lonely as long as I'm honest with him about it. I was devastated he would suggest such I thing. Was too embarrassed to tell anyone in real life, until I had one too many rose's yesterday and blurted it out to my best mate. Her immediate response was well clearly that's what he's doing then ....... he is working away this weekend and now I can't sleep for thinking about what the hell he is doing ........ Does he genuinely want me to date other men or just get a pass for himself?!

OP posts:
IamtheOA · 18/08/2019 09:03

What did you say when he made this appalling suggestion?

NoKnownFather · 18/08/2019 09:03

Homealonealways I feel so sorry for you and can't begin to imagine how you are feeling, but what other posters have eluded to sparked a memory for me and thought I would pass it on as someone who was actually there to witness the male FIFO lifestyle. Sorry, this will be long-winded as I don't have time right now to edit to a shorter message which might omit some relevant info.

Firstly, I am not saying your H is involved in this but I feel it's something every FIFO wife should consider. A few years ago I was holidaying in a country where FIFO work was prevalent and a staff member at the hotel where I was staying directed me to the local exPats bar where I could mix with people who spoke English...not being racist, but I found it difficult being understood in the native language of that country.

The first time at this bar, they came across as being friendly and we had some good laughs etc with never a hint of anything that was not right (in relation to their family back home). Usually I'm not a club/pub type person but in a strange country you don't really know where to go and I was invited back the next night for a Trivial Pursuit-type night, which was great and a lot of fun.

Once the contest part of the night finished, it was like a door was opened and their morals went down the tube, big time! I was propositioned many, many times including group sex, by just about every UK exPat there, even their manager/boss who had a really foul mouth and some of his suggestions made me not only blush but fearful if I was to refuse, more on this further down.

I think just about every man there had an Asian family...wife plus several biological kids...this was openly discussed with lots of chest-beating as to how many 'extra' kids they had over and above their kids and DW back home. I was totally gobsmacked as while I knew this could easily happen, what I didn't expect was the open discussion about it and the fact that every worker was the same. I am sure my jaw was on the floor the whole night because I believe in true monogamy, always have and always will, and NO WAY was I going to be the OW.

Some of them even invited me to fly back there each 4-6 weeks (or whatever the timeframe was, can't remember exactly now) and they would pay my air ticket and accommodation (split between all of them) as they wanted someone other than their Asian women....don't wish to write the exact words they used, but I'm sure everyone who has replied here will get my drift. They are words I never use in private, let alone post in a forum, but essentially I would have been a FIFO sex worker for this select group of exPats. NOT my style at all and definitely NOT the reason I was in the country in the first place. I was there on the last leg of an overseas trip with a friend, who had to return to work sooner than I did, so I decided I would spend the extra days there having a look around and doing touristy stuff.

It was extremely difficult to get away from them that night, I'm sure you know what men are like when there's a group, they egg each other on. At first I tried to escape under the guise of going to the loo, but one of them noticed me slipping out the door and attempted to follow me to my hotel. Fortunately (for me) I was flying out the next morning and while I am normally against lying, this time was an exception and I gave a different hotel and that my flight home was another 24 hrs away and with a different airline, to cover my tracks.

My reason being, that I knew they would be extremely hung over the next morning judging by the amount they were drinking and my flight was quite early so I could slip away before they woke, also I was drinking CocaCola as I suffered chronic migraines and alcohol would wipe me out. I returned to my hotel in the wee hours of the morning to collect my luggage and went to the airport and sat in a corner of the departure lounge (where I couldn't be seen) in case someone followed me there. I truly feared for my safety as these men turned into animals once they had a few drinks and self-preservation was foremost in my mind, which is why I was giving incorrect info about my departure etc.

Some of them even wanted my home address and invited themselves to visit in my home country, but this too, led to a fictitious address.

As above, I truly hope this is not the situation with your H, but it might help someone now or in the future. I wish you all the best and, like me above, think of your self because nobody else cares what happens to you. Sorry have to rush off now.

Good luck Flowers

Missingstreetlife · 18/08/2019 09:03

I would be suggesting I join him on on of these trips.
You have to speak to him

MrsMozartMkII · 18/08/2019 09:03

Have you asked him what he means by 'dating'?

Ask him what he'd feel if one of these dates turned into something romantic.

Ask him if he's 'dating', and if yes then why hasn't he shown you the same honesty as he's asked of you.

As an initial response, I'd be mighty pissed off and surprised if my DH suggested it. There's nowt so queer as folk though.

Kiwiinkits · 18/08/2019 09:13

A man who is in love with you will never hand you over to another man. Ever. What a weird and devastating suggestion. You need to talk.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/08/2019 09:28

Oh dear. It sounds as if he’s sleeping around, perhaps even has another family. Shocking. Flowers

Is this something you may ever consider? You are still very much young enough to start again. I assume you have no children.

NoKnown
How horrible for you. Very scary.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 09:31

@Kiwi

I'm sorry but that's bullshit. Plenty of people have long term,committed non-monogamous relationships. My partner and I are very much in love and will hopefully grow old together as partners too.

That's like me saying anybody who would prevent their partner from experiencing love and affection from other people is too selfish to really be in love.

Some people are monogamous. Some people aren't.

Honeyroar · 18/08/2019 09:37

What do you say to him at the time? I'd have been horrified if my husband had said this. Monogamy all the way for us!! I couldn't have listened to that without asking what the heck did he mean and was he also going to be dating.

dottiedodah · 18/08/2019 09:41

TBH 6 months apart each year is a lot!.Anyone is going to get lonely in that position ,and it doesnt take Mastermind to see where that goes especially with men !.Can you talk to him about it when he is next home ?.What about him changing his job .It does seem a bit suspect but you wont know until you ask him.He may well deny it of course . You have to think how you would feel if you were to divorce.

dottiedodah · 18/08/2019 09:49

NoknownFather What a truly terrifying experience for you!.I cant imagine this kind of scenario at all (Sheltered life!).Thank goodness you got away safely!

katewhinesalot · 18/08/2019 09:57

I couldn't ignore this. You have to say something to him.

NameChangerAmI · 18/08/2019 10:01

I know 2 men who fall into this category. One is British and a family friend who used to work in the Middle East for 20 years. He had a wife and child in the UK, and used to come home every 6 months or so. It was only when he got seriously ill, and came home for treatment, that his UK family realised that he had a long term partner and DCs in the other country.

Another, is a man who is living and working in this country, with a wife and family back home, and a long term partner in this country. The wife in his native country has no idea, but he has openly told my DH about it!

I'm not saying your DC has another family, OP, but it certainly sounds like he's being unfaithful.

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 18/08/2019 10:21

@NoKnownFather That's the weirdest story, do you mean you thought they were going to kidnap you?

OP Flowers time to find a new husband who is faithful to you

Gempeatea · 18/08/2019 10:31

A very strange suggestion...!?! You exeoct him to say.. Make plans, see friends, try and get out.or ohhh I don't know... Maybe look if he can possibly spend more time at home.. .. Not to starts "dating". You said you were lonely, I presume because he is away so much, not unhappy with your marriage

Cherrysoup · 18/08/2019 10:38

What a crazy response from him! To go straight to 'Hey, date other people' makes me think the worst.

A member of my family does a lot of travel to Asian countries for work trips. He says the amount of girls who proposition him is insane, even though he wears a wedding ring. He says they say they want European looking babies. Different world.

SaraNade · 18/08/2019 10:39

OP, sorry, but I simply could not even imagine putting up with my husband off for 6 months on average a year, and me not even be able to barely contact him! This is 2019, you are his wife and you should be having contact somehow, even via Skype, at least once a day. No one these days is incognito and uncontactable, unless they want to be. I would certainly not put up with this scenario at all, and would demand daily contact, even just a text or something, or he change his job.

Then he suggests you start dating? This is way beyond on a big sign in neon lights. This is definitely case closed, he is having affairs. It's not even in doubt. Has been able to get away with it because he deliberately makes himself uncontactable, and, you have never nipped this rare contact in the bud and demand you have a number where you can reach him. And unless he is working in mines in the middle a desert or underground in catacombs or something in the middle of no where, he should almost always be contactable.

You also say you met him when you were both overseas for work. That's a big red flag in hindsight, because how do you know that he wasn't meeting you while his wife/partner was at home? Seriously, I would demand he change jobs, or at the very least, put a limit on the away time. With the internet, chat, skype etc, unless he is physically needed to dig in the ground or something, he shouldn't have any need to be away even a tenth as much. And insist on regular contact each day, and a phone number to reach him. His reaction to all this will tell you everything. But really, I feel it's not much of a marriage if you can barely contact him for 6 months a year. I would have to leave, as I could not deal with that. Especially if I truly was in love with him, naturally you'd want to see or at least speak to him once a day. That's why people get married in the first place, to be together.

How long has this been going on for?

Kplpandd · 18/08/2019 11:45

Could it be that he is the suspicious one and wanted to see your reaction if he suggested dating?

simplekindoflife · 18/08/2019 16:25

Are you ok OP? Thanks

Jamiefraserskilt · 18/08/2019 17:05

Perhaps he feels your needs are not being satisfied and you were hinting? However, instead of having an adult discussion about his work commitments, he jumped straight in with what he thinks is the answer...except that was poles apart from your thinking. You need to talk. Now.

WindyScales · 19/08/2019 15:54

.

Zebraaa · 19/08/2019 16:16

Flowers hope it works out ok

Bbang · 19/08/2019 16:20

Am I the only mentalist who’d seriously consider flying out to spy on him? 🙃🤣

ShimmeringWaffle · 19/08/2019 16:40

i wouldn't listen to the piglets of doom in here OP. theres no indication he's cheating or even that hes planning to. hes seen youre hurtng and has offered a solution. i think we just have some jealous jenny's sulking that you can go out dating whilst theyre stuck at home on the couch with stinky pete

dollydaydream114 · 19/08/2019 16:46

I don't think it's a dead cert that he's cheating on you, to be honest. We simply don't know. But it's possible that he likes the idea of an open marriage.

There are also men who don't cheat themselves but have a fetish about their wives sleeping with other men. A friend's (now ex) DP tried to push her into spending the night with random men and then he wanted to get off on her telling him all the details. She wasn't at all into that and they split up.

Whatever his reasons, it does sound as if he sees your marriage quite differently to the way you see it, even if he isn't seeing other women.

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 19/08/2019 17:01

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