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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be very suspicious of this ....

76 replies

Homealonealways · 18/08/2019 03:34

DH travels ALOT with work. Not quite FIFO but not far off it. I get really, really lonely. Have a job, good circle of friends but no family - all these things are wonderful but not the same as being with your husband. DH has suggested me 'dating' if I'm lonely as long as I'm honest with him about it. I was devastated he would suggest such I thing. Was too embarrassed to tell anyone in real life, until I had one too many rose's yesterday and blurted it out to my best mate. Her immediate response was well clearly that's what he's doing then ....... he is working away this weekend and now I can't sleep for thinking about what the hell he is doing ........ Does he genuinely want me to date other men or just get a pass for himself?!

OP posts:
LonelyTiredandLow · 18/08/2019 07:02

It isn't uncommon that business trips and frequent time abroad with work overlaps into women/sex. An ex of mine was "treated" to lap dances and drinks constantly when in US. The drinks do tend to lead to more. In India it wasn't as 'fun' apparently but most work travel came with the understanding these guys were away from home and wanted 'fun'.

I'd ask him outright and try to prepare yourself for what seems to be happening. I'd love to say I knew loads of guys who frequently travel with work who don't take advantage of what is on offer as 'fun' but they are a dwindling minority.

rosesandcashmere · 18/08/2019 07:02

I'm sorry but it sounds like he's either wanting to do this himself whilst away (or is already), or is testing you. I think you need to have a proper chat about what his expectations for this relationship. I'd be devastated if DP suggested this, I couldn't trust him. Good luck.

flashdancer19 · 18/08/2019 07:05

I'm afraid you need to sit him down look him in the eye and ask him if he's already dating someone.

He's starting the separation process, I'm sorry.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 18/08/2019 07:09

I’d be very suspicious. Does he have friends/family local to you? I’d go as far to say he may have a wife & family/girlfriend elsewhere. Is there any way you could do some digging? Maybe ask for this to move to Relationships.

Flowers
GoGoGoGoGo · 18/08/2019 07:10

I would do some digging I’m afraid.

Carthage · 18/08/2019 07:26

Did he end a relationship with someone else just before meeting you? I'd be suspicious tbh. Especially given he's such a charming man who swept you off your feet and is older than you. Not necessarily red flags but in the context of his recent comment, could be.

Cheeserton · 18/08/2019 07:45

Agree that this isn't right and he might well be at it already. Grossly suspect thing to suggest. At the very least he 'doesn't mind' you seeing others, which is in itself awful, but likely far more sinister.

Wer2Next · 18/08/2019 07:53

Ask him.

SerenDippitty · 18/08/2019 07:55

He is a really charming man, he completely swept me off my feet

I’m afraid I always see red flags when I hear things like this, but along with what you said in your OP, I’m sorry, he’s either having an affair or wants to.

TheSheepofWallSt · 18/08/2019 07:56

He’s 100% not being faithful, OP, I’m sorry. How enormously cruel of him, particularly to be so cavalier about your marriage.

fatgirlslimmer · 18/08/2019 07:56

How long is he away at one time and how much down time does he have when he is there? My understanding of FIFO was that they work long days in a remote place. My friends DH does this work in some fab countries with some down time on expenses but very little social life.

I can’t imagine that he would want you to date other men to keep you company there has to be another reason. You need to open up this discussion.

R44Me · 18/08/2019 08:01

How old are you, how long will this type of work continue - if he has another 20 years of FIFO and you don't like it you should look at changing your life to be less dependent on him being there.
How is your career? Could you be building a better future for yourself?

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 18/08/2019 08:08

If hes never suggested an open marriage before, then this might not be evidence that hes been having affairs throughout, but could be that hes met someone and wants to have an affair, so is setting the ground work for it to be morally acceptable for him to do it.

LL83 · 18/08/2019 08:15

That's awful OP. I can't understand why he thinks the solution to you feeling lonely is dating!! Hopefully there is another explanation but it does sound to me like that is what he is doing. Flowers

Bluntness100 · 18/08/2019 08:18

Did you post this before op?

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 08:23

I'd wonder if it matters.

Maybe it is because he wants a pass or maybe he acknowledges your loneliness. Either way, you are struggling with the lack of contact,he doesn't seem to be about to change that element of his lifestyle, so consider solutions.

For me, personally, I am poly so I do have this arrangement he is proposing BUT being poly doesn't mean I'd be okay not seeing my nesting partner frequently. That's something I need from all my serious relationships.

OooErMissus · 18/08/2019 08:37

I completely adore him

Oh dear, he's got all the power then.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 08:38

I hope we all completely adore our partners. Isn't that why we are with them?!

Skittlenommer · 18/08/2019 08:41

Whether he is or he isn’t it’s no way to live constantly worrying about it and feeling lonely in your relationship. I’d strongly reevaluate if this is what you want your life to be!

Original poster
Homealonealways · 18/08/2019 08:48

I'll try answer as much as I can - We met when we were both working away, we had a long distance relationship then I moved to be with him (overseas) I wasn't an affair or rebound.
I'm late 30's he's late 40's
Career for me is really good. Both earn well and around the same.
He's away anything from 1 night to 2weeks - no set pattern. Mostly M-F sometimes weekends.
He isn't a remote oil/mining worker. Travel is mostly international.
I can't imagine life without him, nor did I think he could be without me. But now I'm not sure.

OP posts:
Wonkydonkey44 · 18/08/2019 08:51

Maybe he’s interpreted your chat as your missing male company? Not the romance / sex side of things . I would be gutted if my husband suggested that and I think the pair of you need to sit down and discuss your relationship .

JellyfishAndShells · 18/08/2019 08:51

Crikey - my DH has worked away ( long haul away ) for large chunks of our married life and is happy that I have continued and built up a social life of my own but that doesn’t even slightly include ‘dating’ , with all the romantic/sexual connotations of the word.

Unless he just really badly phrased it, it sounds like he is after an arrangement that frees his conscience up

joystir59 · 18/08/2019 08:52

Ask him what he means OP. Communicate

simplekindoflife · 18/08/2019 08:56

It a very strange thing for a man to say to his wife. I would actually pretend to consider the idea and calmly ask him if he's ever dated, you won't be angry, of course... Hmm

Then you need to ask him:

Won't you be jealous?
What if I fall in love with someone else?
How will you feel knowing I'm on a date with another man?

His answers should tell you a lot. Most men would hate it, completely unthinkable.

LillithsFamiliar · 18/08/2019 09:00

I'd be suspicious too but I think you're also avoiding the issue that this lifestyle isn't really working for you anyway. You're lonely.
Your DH could have been suggesting the dating solution to throw you off having the more obvious conversation - which is whether his working life fits with what you need from a relationship.
You need to have a serious conversation about expectations and what you need from a relationship. If he thinks dating other people is feasible and acceptable then you already have very different views and your relationship isn't as robust as you think it is.

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