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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In saying No bloody way?

67 replies

RedXIII · 17/08/2019 22:11

Due baby no2 in mid October.
DM wants to go abroad on a week holiday for DGM end of November for her 80th. (4hr flight). Was I BU in saying "no bloody way?" considering baby would be 6ish weeks old.
Mini rant inc:
With DD5 I had DM and my family visit me in hospital after birth. I felt like the normal train crash and felt I couldn't say no to DGM etc turning up at the same time and felt so overwhelmed that I said no to DP parents coming to visit. I still feel bad about that so said that this time DP parents can come to visit first if birth goes well. I said all this to DM and whilst she agreed with this plan she came out with the corker of "well I'd be coming to see the baby not you!". Realistic I know but still, bit hurtful.
Also, this time there may be a possibility of having a CS. I'm feeling anxious about this but know that it's not the end of the world.
DM has been kind of downplaying thus by saying that I should be up and about driving, weekly shopping and light exercising by 2/3 weeks. Guess the AIBU here with that one is is that a load of bollocks? I do know that some women recover very well from CS (super women in my opinion!) but I do feel that the recommended 6 week recovery period is there for a reason.
So long story short, was I being a bit rude by saying "no bloody way" to a holiday abroad with a 6 week old and after a possible CS? And if I'm being a bit OTT about wanting to not plan to be "up and about" 2/3 weeks after birth apart for necessities?

OP posts:
tenterden · 17/08/2019 22:18

Can you clarify? Are you saying you don't want your DM to go abroad on holiday when your baby is so young as you will need her help?

Or are you saying DM thinks you should accompany her on holiday?

If it's the latter, then just say thanks for the invitation but you are declining. She can still go on her own if she wants to visit DGM surely?

Redshoeblueshoe · 17/08/2019 22:21

Your DM can't seriously want you to go away with her so soon after having a baby

TokyoSushi · 17/08/2019 22:22

If she wants you to go YANBU, just say no, it's too early after having the baby.

If you just dont want her to go so age can stay and help you YABU

Singlenotsingle · 17/08/2019 22:23

So DM wants you to go away on holiday with her and DGM and with your 6wo? It's never a holiday with a baby. You've got all the same problems but in a foreign environment and with language problems, not knowing where to buy nappies, bottles etc. I wouldn't even consider it. Let them go on their own.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/08/2019 22:26

Also confused as to whether she expects you to go with her?

FrenchBoule · 17/08/2019 22:28

YANBU. Your DM is bonkers. Heck knows how many weeks pp you’re going to be, what about any complications? Everything of course might be fine but would you find the suitable insurance(and I wouldn’t leave without one).
Your DM has unreasonable expectations.

I wouldn’t go but send her happily on the trip

Tojigornot · 17/08/2019 22:31

The OP is very confusing. You need to clarify if it’s you or DM going that you are taking about.

Original poster
RedXIII · 17/08/2019 22:32

Thanks for all the responses!
To clarify, it would mean me, DP, DD and newborn coming with her, DGM and rest of family (aunt, uncle, DSis etc). Definitely not for want of her staying here. I've already started stocking up on coffee and energy drinks to get through the nights!
I did say "no" to get to start with but she did make noises about me just going and leaving DD and newborn with DP. (fab idea but a bit mean towards him) but I said I may have the CS so going on a 4 hour flight isn't really on the top of my fun list as well as leaving a newborn so soon Shock.
She just keeps bringing it up even though I said no, saying it would be a lovely surprise to book it and go for my DGM.
With DD we left it until she was 6 months before going abroad and that was stressful in itself

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 17/08/2019 22:34

I'm a bit confused about whether you're supposed to be on the holiday? If YOU are expected to go on a 4 hour flight with a 4 week old, that's madness! My son was screaming 24/7 at 4 weeks old! We've only taken him on an hour flight so far! I was barely able to walk for 2 weeks after my episiotomy and not feeling human for weeks!

Wolfiefan · 17/08/2019 22:35

If this baby is late you may well not get a passport in time. Tell her the mw says you can’t fly so soon if you have a c section. (I don’t know if that’s even vaguely true BTW!)
I find NO
And I DON’T WANT TO
Useful at times like this!

bluebeck · 17/08/2019 22:35

Just say No and that you don't want her to keep going on about it, it isn't going to happen.

Is she usually such a bully?

Original poster
RedXIII · 17/08/2019 22:41

Have said "no I don't think it's a good idea due to abc" but it doesn't seem to compute with DM! I think she's forgotten how much childbirth knocks you off your feet CS or not.
I guess I'm just trying to be polite about it towards her but coming to the point where I am going to shout that as much as I love my DGM I really don't want to be hobbling with wounds and a newborn and a five year old and my DP (who is a bit of a child himself jk) for the sake of a week away.
As for the bully comment, wouldnt go that far but she is a bit of a bulldozer with expecting me to drop my family life to see her and family when she doesn't reciprocate.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 17/08/2019 22:43

I don’t think it’s a good idea sounds like you’re wavering.
I’ve said no.
Hang up or move away if necessary.
It’s a bloody awful idea.

Cryalot2 · 17/08/2019 22:45

At 80 your dm should know better and stop being so selfish. Yes it will be a milestone birthday and such.
But you and baby must come first.
Tell her you cannot be given medical clearance to travel. ( I doubt you would get insurance even you did get a passport for baby)
Your dm might want to spend time with grandchild but remind her you are the mother and you will be bonding .
Take as much tlc and no crap from anyone.

Original poster
RedXIII · 17/08/2019 22:50

Thanks very much for the advice!
Just to clarify that it would be DGM 80th not my DM's.
I guess I have been wavering but that might be due to being put on the spot about it and in my mind I'd love a sun holiday in November in theory but I have said no.
Guess I better be a bit more assertive when DM looks forlorn and sulks a bit because of my wishy washy response of just having given birth to a small but cute screaming newborn!

OP posts:
Original poster
RedXIII · 17/08/2019 22:53

Bit annoyed with myself tbh being 30 with my own family and can't stand up for myself. Hmm

OP posts:
Pharlapwasthebest · 17/08/2019 23:01

I did go away with ds1 at 8 weeks (1 hr flight), and ds2 at 17 weeks (8 hour flight).
Both times had my mum with me, it was great, the only issue I had was, I was formula feeding with second, and getting hold of a similar feed in the Caribbean was tricky, but he seemed happy.
But, ultimately you have to do what feels right for you, if you don’t feel comfortable with it, say no.

GabsAlot · 17/08/2019 23:01

Erm what if the baby is late or immunisatons things like that?

Floralnomad · 17/08/2019 23:07

YANBU to decline the holiday invite but with regards to the c section I do think ( and I have had one ) think that you are more likely to make a good recovery if you think positively - the same goes for any surgical procedure .

thecatinthetwat · 17/08/2019 23:09

bit of a bulldozer with expecting me to drop my family life to see her and family when she doesn't reciprocate.

Poor you op. You are standing up for yourself, you are saying no. Go for it.. say hell no!

HollowTalk · 17/08/2019 23:10

Your mother wants you to leave a new born baby and fly off to stay with your grandmother for a party?

Is she insane?

Whosorrynow · 17/08/2019 23:12

dont give reasons, to her they are just small obstacles that she will brush aside.
You need a brick wall response 'no, that doesnt work for me'

Whosorrynow · 17/08/2019 23:13

Bit annoyed with myself tbh being 30 with my own family and can't stand up for myself. hmm
you're doing great, it took me much longer than 30!

TwigTheWonderKid · 17/08/2019 23:14

Sorry, are you saying that your mum seriously suggested you leave your 6 week old baby for an entire week, just to go on holiday?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/08/2019 23:14

I was surprised at how easy having a second baby was. I certainly wouldn’t commit to a holiday, but I probably could have done it 3-4 weeks post C section.