In saying No bloody way?

[RedXIII]

Due baby no2 in mid October.
DM wants to go abroad on a week holiday for DGM end of November for her 80th. (4hr flight). Was I BU in saying "no bloody way?" considering baby would be 6ish weeks old.
Mini rant inc:
With DD5 I had DM and my family visit me in hospital after birth. I felt like the normal train crash and felt I couldn't say no to DGM etc turning up at the same time and felt so overwhelmed that I said no to DP parents coming to visit. I still feel bad about that so said that this time DP parents can come to visit first if birth goes well. I said all this to DM and whilst she agreed with this plan she came out with the corker of "well I'd be coming to see the baby not you!". Realistic I know but still, bit hurtful.
Also, this time there may be a possibility of having a CS. I'm feeling anxious about this but know that it's not the end of the world.
DM has been kind of downplaying thus by saying that I should be up and about driving, weekly shopping and light exercising by 2/3 weeks. Guess the AIBU here with that one is is that a load of bollocks? I do know that some women recover very well from CS (super women in my opinion!) but I do feel that the recommended 6 week recovery period is there for a reason.
So long story short, was I being a bit rude by saying "no bloody way" to a holiday abroad with a 6 week old and after a possible CS? And if I'm being a bit OTT about wanting to not plan to be "up and about" 2/3 weeks after birth apart for necessities?

No way. Too many what ifs when due a baby - might be late, might be prem so more care needed, possible cs delaying recovery or an episiotomy causing discomfort which wouldn't bode well for a 4 hour flight. Tell her you are not going, end of. If she continues to mention it you just have to repeat No.

I'm 12 days post-CS. CS went beautifully, everything's healing as normal, but I got sick last week from some antibiotics they gave me so I'm still not driving and it's only the past couple of days I've been up and about very much. Today was the first day I cooked a meal for myself that didn't go in the microwave and I am still struggling to fill the kettle or to twist my body while holding DS. I would definitely not want to be going on a plane right now, all that standing in line for security, the walking, climbing steps to board/disembark. I'm hoping to be driving around 3 weeks but I might be being optimistic. I'm also still establishing breastfeeding and haven't registered the birth yet, let alone tried to take baby for passport photos etc!! I wouldn't book onto a holiday for 6 weeks post-CS because right now I couldn't guarantee I'd be in a fit state to go, or that baby would have a passport by then (not to mention they don't start vaccines until 8 weeks of age).

YANBU in saying no to this! Sounds like you need to stand your ground!

@floral. I guess I'm being slightly dramatic with regards to having a CS. I know that it's fairly straightforward etc. I have never had any major op before so find it a bit difficult when DM is blasé about it. But I have got good hopes for birth. Basically, go in, have a baby somehow, come home!

My DM must be insane really. Guess she's forgotten about newborns etc. She's not demanding per se but having my own children has really opened my eyes on how one sided effort goes with family visiting etc. She only lives 5 min walk away! WIBU to say "not today/this time Satan" if she continues pressing it?

Ignoring going away when your baby could be as young as 4 weeks old if late, if you have a c section you are most unlikely to be driving etc 2-3 weeks post delivery given the recommendation is not to drive for 6 weeks post section as it is classed as major abdominal surgery. You also won’t have had your post natal check up at that point so are unlikely to be given clearance to go away (which you’d need for insurance purposes).

You may well not have been able to get a passport for your new baby by then.
I’m sure you certainly won’t want to leave your newborn at home for so long at such a young age - and would your DH get the time off to look after a newborn plus older DC so soon after having paternity leave for the baby’s arrival?

I’m afraid you may have to be blunt with your DM and say it’s not happening and, any further discussion around the subject will be ignored as it’s not going to change the outcome!!

Congratulations @Tigger!
Glad to hear the CS went well. Hope you get to move around fairly soon! Enjoy the newborn snuggles

In my experience, justifying why you say no to something just encourages others to offer you solutions as to why you should be saying yes.

DM: I’d like us all to go away for DGM’s birthday
YOU: No, I’m not flying and going abroad with a brand new baby

End of conversation

If baby ends up being late by 2 weeks and you end up having an emergency Cs then this could be 4 weeks after not 6. Tell her you cannot plan anything for at least 8 weeks after due date because of recovery time. Plus the hassle of getting the baby registered and a passport in time. Then booking baby on flight as I doubt you can until you have a passport number. Just say its not practical and would be very uncomfortable after major surgery.

We went abroad on a four hour flight with our then 6 week old for a two week holiday. It was all fine and we had a great time, and i got to recover in the sun.
BUT i had an easy birth, up and about straight away and we booked the holiday a week before we went, so kinda knew what our baby would be like.
There's no way I would have booked it pre-birth, i actually refused as I didn't think i would be up for it at all, would still be quite sore and had no idea if baby would cry loads etc.
You have no idea what your recovery will be like for a start, especially if you have a cs, so i dont think you're being unreasonable in not wanting to go.

You are not being U. It is going to be very hard to organize in time with passports etc. It will likely be awful traveling with tiny baby. You should NOT be risking the stress of flying so soon after a C Section (they say don't drive for 6 weeks for a reason). Also, it is taking you and babies good health for granted. After my 2nd child I had a hip problem and walking was painful. One of my kids went into hospital at three weeks old due to a nasty cold that turned serious. I'm not saying that will happen to you but the first two months post partum are pretty risky time to travel IMO.

It doesn't sound like you've said "no" all that clearly. She needs to no this is your decision and you're not changing your mind.

@RedXIII Firstly I will say (as a massive gaming nerd) I like your username 😊

To actually reply to your post, I had a c-section with my twins and whilst it was a straightforward recovery I would not have felt up to a flight with a small baby within that amount of time - the six week recommended period is definitely there for a reason. My body healed well and with no complications but it can take a while for your uterus to reduce back to its normal size after pregnancy and they want to ensure as little stress on the internal stitches as possible.

I’m not saying a flight would cause any issues but I found the above was my mantra to my overinvolved MIL when she commented on my weight as ‘it would never shift if I didn’t start exercising now’ and her ‘exercise will help you heal faster’ “advice” three sodding weeks after my section.

Good luck and congratulations on DC2 and try not to let your DM force you into it - if necessary maybe recruit your Midwife into telling her the medical advice is sound and there for a bloody reason!

We went to visit DPs parents and to a wedding different cities but in the same country, four hour flight away when DD was six weeks old. It was fine and we had a lovely time. But I wanted to go and you don’t which is the difference.

I flew with DC3, a 10 hour flight when she was 7 weeks old. I had had a CS too. I've always said it was the easiest flight with kids I've ever been on (I have 4 DCs). We got a sky crib and baby spent the time either asleep, on my boobs or being carried around by a handsome baby mad steward. However, DH and I didn't have the elder DCs with us and I was well used to travelling with young children (often alone) as my parents did not live in the UK.

Presumably your 5 year old has school in November?
Your mother seems peculiarly disconnected from the realities of family life.
“Just to be clear mum, we will not be coming. The timing does not work for our family”.
She needs to start seeing you as an adult.

Bugger me, just tell her no and laugh at her optimistic view of a 6 week post partum fango sitting for a 4 hour flight! Don't be a doormat, OP, do what is best for you and your dc, not what best pleases your mother! And if it's a c-section, tell her a date a week after you've had it!

All sound advice!
I know I wasn't as forceful with my original "no" so will be using all the advice here when DM inevitably brings it up again.
@navi, cheers! I'm in the midst of suggesting ff7 names to DP but he's not having any of it
@tablemabel, that's a whole other thread on how DM seems to think it's OK to take DD out of school. In short, I don't mind taking her out 1/2 days either side of half terms but for a whole week at the beginning of yr1 is a bit much.
It is nice to see that some parents have had good holidays with young dc. In theory, I love the idea of still swanning off on holiday but in reality I know I'll still be in recovery and quite frankly as much as my DM is making insane suggestions I'm not entirely sure I'd cope for a week with her!
But yes, need to pull up my big girl pants and be the adult I know I am!

@cherrysoup, I'd love to say a later date but I've already organised for her to have DD at hers if it comes to a CS!
I always thought having children would be the hard part but actually it's these situations that are the tricky bit.
For example, I'm supposed to go to a 30th bday party in November too (not same date) but that's half hour away and DP will have to drive if I can't or go on his own. Poor DP not being able to drink...

Don't do it! I went on holiday for a GPs 80th when DS was 8 weeks old. It was with extended family and was originally on a date less than 2 weeks after DSs due date (he was early), it was made clear in the planning stages that I was being ridiculous considering not going as family loved babies and there would be plenty of help

It was in the UK, only an hour and a half away and it was still awful. I was really, really struggling following DSs early birth and subsequent refusal to sleep. Having to go to loads of busy family events with lots of well meaning but opinionated family just made it even harder. DS barely slept and I was just miserable. I was breastfeeding which meant that realistically there was little help anyone could offer - and to be fair everyone was on holiday and I wouldn't have asked them to anyway!

I had actually physically totally recovered from the birth, it was everything else!

Grow a pair darling and just say no way. Absolutely impossible to commit to a holiday so soon after a cs. Imagine the stress if you or baby felt unwell overseas let alone all the other stuff involved in travelling so soon after birth ? It could be great but very likely be a massive ball ache you regret. I would absolutely plan to spend that time at home adjusting/healing/getting into a routine not dragging yourself and a newborn around in an airport/stuffy germ ridden plane ‘ hotel ( imagine if the bed was shit and you didn’t sleep for a week! ) strange country / medical insurance! Etc etc. Fuck that. Listen. To. Your. Instincts.

Omg no, of course you aren't BU. At the very least you should wait until after the baby is born to start planning anything. Births and babies are so unpredictable, why the hell would anyone plan something like this so soon after the birth?

This would be a very dangerous thing to do for so many reasons. Among them would be the temptation, even once, to lift something too heavy--a suitcase, a stroller, an extra bag, the baby. Remember, you will have a line of horizontal stitches horizontally across your abdomen that need to heal. You do not want to jar them. Aside from the physical exhaustion and oh so many other unexplainable things you will discover, recovering from a C-section is a massive fucking deal.

You would be very unreasonable to even consider leaving a 6 week only baby for a week for a holiday. You need to stand up to your mum, she sounds really nasty and bullying. Her motives are very worrying - it’s quite shocking that she doesn’t care about your health or your baby’s wellbeing and puts her own need to control first. Although I have travelled with babies, I think it would be incredibly irresponsible to take a 6 week old on a holiday for no reason - the baby is too small and if you’d be taking a plane anywhere the baby will probably get sick.

Bulldozering is often another word for bullying. Have you ever emphatically said no and stuck to it? What was her reaction?

I would probably say 'dh and i are not going away for at least X months (your choice of minimum.'just keep repeating despite her protests.

Some people would be able to do it and that’s great and their choice and others would find it too much and that’s fine too! It sounds like it’s not for you and you’d find it too much. Not sure why the info was included about parents visiting at north? Maybe it’s to show you have a difficult relationship with your mother?

At birth* not north!