In saying No bloody way?

[RedXIII]

Due baby no2 in mid October.
DM wants to go abroad on a week holiday for DGM end of November for her 80th. (4hr flight). Was I BU in saying "no bloody way?" considering baby would be 6ish weeks old.
Mini rant inc:
With DD5 I had DM and my family visit me in hospital after birth. I felt like the normal train crash and felt I couldn't say no to DGM etc turning up at the same time and felt so overwhelmed that I said no to DP parents coming to visit. I still feel bad about that so said that this time DP parents can come to visit first if birth goes well. I said all this to DM and whilst she agreed with this plan she came out with the corker of "well I'd be coming to see the baby not you!". Realistic I know but still, bit hurtful.
Also, this time there may be a possibility of having a CS. I'm feeling anxious about this but know that it's not the end of the world.
DM has been kind of downplaying thus by saying that I should be up and about driving, weekly shopping and light exercising by 2/3 weeks. Guess the AIBU here with that one is is that a load of bollocks? I do know that some women recover very well from CS (super women in my opinion!) but I do feel that the recommended 6 week recovery period is there for a reason.
So long story short, was I being a bit rude by saying "no bloody way" to a holiday abroad with a 6 week old and after a possible CS? And if I'm being a bit OTT about wanting to not plan to be "up and about" 2/3 weeks after birth apart for necessities?

If my travel insurance policy is anything to go by it notes you can't travel if you have given birth within the last eight weeks

I do just want to say that I don't actually plan on going at all. I just felt that DM wasn't taking my polite no towards the idea seriously so wondered if I should be a bit more blunt/slightly rude when she asks again.
@Witchinaditch, I put that bit in because I was off on a tangent as it was the same day as the 80th celebration conversation and to try and show a bit of context of what she can be like. She does like to nitpick at me. Eg deliberately commenting on a spot on my face or how my sofa is too old.
It's rather draining.

But you say yourself you were wavering. If you have no intention of going you need to be clear. Blunt if necessary.

Oops posted a bit soon.
@fireblood, I have said no to her before. And even said that I refuse to go anywhere before 6 months as DPs parents have booked a weekend away when baby is 6/7 months. And she knew this before saying about going abroad. I think she has selective hearing as at another time, my friend organised a lovely baby shower for me and my mum hosted. Now, it was supposed to be a secret but I knew anyway (friend etc knew I knew, lovely time though!) but my mum kept going on and on about going to the local restaurant instead. Which isn't what I wanted and friend knew it wasn't what I wanted for a relaxed baby shower. But the original plan went ahead and it was a fabulous time.
Writing all this down does make me wonder what on earth I've put up with over the years. She is a great DGM and is there if I do need her but I'm realising that it seems to be if it's convenient for her.
Anyway. Rant over. I will be telling her "no bloody way" if she mentions trip again and for all other silly suggestions!
Thank you very much mumsnetters

@wolfiefan, true I did. I was wavering at first when she first mentioned it in conversation but I did end up saying "no due to baby/CS" in the end. It's just she kept downplaying the whole CS/birth bit saying I'll practically be dancing in the meadow at 2/3 weeks post birth!

You would be very unreasonable to even consider leaving a 6 week only baby for a week for a holiday

Unless baby is breastfed, I'd assume a father capable of looking after a baby for a week.

It may be that OP prefers not to, but I don't agree it would be unreasonable if that were her choice.

@RedXIII the reason you aren't being listened to is because you are using language like "don't think it would be a good idea". That gives the opportunity to argue the point as if your mind can be changed. Choosing more closed language is a better option. "I won't be coming". "I'm not going to do that" etc. (Less combative than "no bloody way"😀)

Just keep repeating “I said no”
It doesn’t matter whether you have a c section or not. You don’t have to travel with a baby until you feel ready. With my first that was years.

I have a friend like you OP. She always feels she has to give detailed explanations when she says no to anything.

You don't.

You can just say NO!!!

When you give a reason, you allow people in to pick it apart. If you say no, absolutely not, please don't mention it again, what will she do? If she asks why not, say "because I said so" Fuck her!

You need to toughen up

And OP you don't need to be 'polite' when what you're actually doing is trying to sugar the pill. Just saying no, I won't be coming isn't rude (saying no bloody way probably is ).

Out of interest, what's your DGM like? Would she be horrified that you were being railroaded into saying you'd go six weeks post CS and with a newborn?

Yes be very blunt

I would ask your mum if she needs to see a Doctor? You have told her NO to this trip but she keep mentioning/pressuring you about going, just wandering if her memory is fading

@wonkybanana,
DGM is lovely but very fussy. For example, I was showing them a dress I brought and tried on in front of them (over clothes) and when I was taking it off she tried to help undress me! I'm 30! Lol. Not quite relevant. I wouldn't say she would be horrified at my being railroaded but she is the type of person to think that because I'm a sahp (for now) that I should be a 1950's housewife (hair done, make up all the time, house immaculate etc) and that childbirth is an easy thing to do so probably thinks its OK to go abroad 6 weeks pp.

I will be standing my ground in future. I'm feeling that my people pleasing/keep everyone happy personality is just making me unhappy and stressed.
I really appreciate everyone's advice and it's making me feel that I can stand up for myself!

Just say No rather firmly.

Personally I wouldn't go with a newborn for the reasons alreadly listed, eg passport, insurance issues, recovery issues, etc. But also because planes are hotbeds for germs and I woudn't want to expose a newborn to this, and at 6 weeks, they won't have had any vaccinations that would reduce the risk.

@RedXIII ah they never do, when I found out I was having twins - boy and girl, I really liked the name Aeris for DD but DH was horrified - but then again he was suggesting Star Trek names for DS for a while 😂

I hope you get through to your Mum that YANBU to say no and that she backs down for a bit. My MIL was similar when I became SAHM to my twins that the house should be immaculate, I should be immaculate etc and only recently has she started to realise that it’s not easy keep a tidy house with twin toddlers - who are like little tornados - when she looked after them for an hour on her own!

I'm currently working on my assertiveness, it's hard when it doesn't come naturally! I've found that deciding (in advance) on a certain phrase, something definite and with no ambiguity, and forcing myself to make eye contact while I say it works pretty well. I have to concentrate to make sure I don't add in apologies or explanations and it did feel a bit rude the first couple of times but it's getting easier and no one has taken offence yet! It's really worth thinking about the language you use though, sounding decisive gives people far less scope to question or undermine you. Stick to your guns OP, it's a stupid idea

@NaviSprite, I loved Aeris for a girl too! I'm having a boy this time so have suggested Vincent and Barrett but DP isn't keen. But he'll happily suggest Man Utd players last names . Ah well, I'm the one giving birth so I get the vetoes!
My DM seems to think there isn't a difference between tidy and clean. DD leaves a trail of destruction most days but I'd like to say at least my place is clean! I find it hard to believe there are parents out there with small children with show homes.
I can imagine twin tornados would be quite a handful! But double cuddles though

@hiding, some of the responses on here have been helpful so have been practicing in my mind in preparation. Glad to know that it gets easier! I'm coming to realise that now I'm 30, I am actually an adult in my own right and can make my own decisions.
I keep reminding myself that I've actually said "no" to going to a distant family function at 35 weeks pregnant and managed to deflect her comments of "of course you will come" with ignoring her after already saying that I'll be 35 weeks pregnant and I don't want to. All I want to do is eat chocolate and get as much sleep as possible. So I figure if I can let her jabber on and ignore her comments about that, I can do it this time!