To think this is more than friendship?

[ladieswotmunch]

Husband seems to have struck up a close friendship with a female colleague. Has been ongoing for a number of years but recently seems to have developed into something more, in my opinion. I'm hoping to get some outside opinions on this as he is adamant nothing is going on. What would you think if this was your DH?

They regularly go out for lunch alone together or will have a walk around the local area together. They send quite a few friendly texts, I would say they text probably most days, sometimes work related reminders etc but also friendly non-work related texts too

The difference is that they didn't used to do this until recently. So they would be friendly in work but didn't typically go out for walks or lunch and rarely text.

I just feel a bit uncomfortable about it but I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable. How does this look to most people?

Have you posted about this before? It seems very familiar.

Have you gone through his phone to read the texts?

What it comes down to is simple - do you trust your husband? You do or you don’t.

If you do, then you need to trust that this is just a friendship.

If you don’t, you have much bigger problems than a woman at his office and need to address them.

Yes this sounds familiar. Have you posted about it today or recently OP?

If not theres a thread ( can't remember the title sorry) that's very similar, might help

I haven't posted about this, no, I am interested in the responses to the other thread though if anyone can link!

I trust him, I don't think he would sleep with someone else. Definitely don't think he'd be the type to have a ONS or anything like that but I worry that he's getting close to someone else and the potential for feelings to develop is there. Especially in the close, one to one environment they're putting themselves in. I worry that he's allowing feelings for someone else to sneak up on him if that makes sense

From what you say (texts etc) it sounds like the relationship is currently innocent but has moved up a level.
I wouldn’t be happy if I were you and would be keeping an eye open for further changes in behaviour.
You’ll get everyone piling on saying men and women can be just friends - and that is totally true - however it would be naive to assume that’s all it might ever be. It’s your marriage and you’re entitled to protect it. I would.

Men and women can indeed be close friends, but this sounds a bit like it’s progressing further than that.

I’d suggest a frank conversation.

‘DH - I trust you, I know you wouldn’t betray me and our life together. But I need you to think honestly about the friendship you have with X. You’ve got closer lately, I can see it and if you’re honest with yourself you’ll admit it. This has got the potential to cross the line and I’m telling you now I won’t be forgiving. I’m not going to ask you to stop seeing her but I am going to ask you to be honest about what you’re getting from her and if it’s worth jeopardising our marriage.

We have discussed it. I think he believes he is being honest but I also think he is being, at best, a bit naive.

I've suggested that he might want to row back a bit on the friendship. He has agreed to do so but I have yet to see any evidence of this. They are still texting (yes I snooped) and still appear to be meeting as much as before.

I don't want to tell him what he can and can't do and that he can't be friends with this woman. I have warned him and tried my best to make him see the potential consequences. He's refusing.

He's also joined the gym this month! Allegedly to lose weight ahead of our holiday in October half term.

Any males that you can develop a friendship with?

What's good for the goose...

You may have the start of an emotional affair.

I do have some male friends.

What do I do from here? Do I just wait and see how it progresses? I don't obviously want it to progress.

Every colleague I've ever known that went on a walk with just one other colleague eventually had an affair - if it was Male and female.

How old is he?
How old is she?
Is she married?
Is your husband overweight, in regards to the gym?

Yeah, I think it's a bit strange. Especially as it's quite regular and they work as part of a fairly large team who will all be eating lunch at roughly the same time.

He's 46, she's early 30s
Married with children
He's not overweight
She is very sporty, does marathons I think

Ok so the age gap even though large is still dangerous.
If she was 20's and him 50's, I would have said he's trying his luck and she's liking the attention.
But in this case, she may like a mature man she can relate to if she's having issues at home.
Him suddenly going to the gym and her being sporty ... He's trying to impress her, I think.
In the past I've never batted an eyelid when a man and woman would go off for lunch etc, however, months on it ALWAYS transpired that the couple had an affair.
Over 20 years of working, I'm thinking of nearly 15 examples.
These things start off as an attraction and let's be friends what's the harm etc, but always end up as more.

I had a male colleague in a previous job who became a friend. Both married. We went for walks together quite regularly because we both needed the fresh air and we enjoyed bitching about the boss. There was texting, although not lengthy conversations (he gets bored after a couple of minutes and finishes chat).
Nothing happened. I did worry for a bit that he might fancy me after he complimented me mildly after a couple of beers outside of work. Turned out to be nothing: there’s no sexual chemistry. We don’t work together anymore and keep in contact. DH never turned a hair, except when friend gave me some advice. I took it, and DH got the hump because he’d given me the same advice previously and I hadn’t taken it in board! Friend is less easygoing than DH and a bit more persuasive in this way of speaking.
I’m not saying it’s definitely nothing OP, but I am saying that my relationship with this colleague was very similar and it was NOTHING.

My partner used to talk to a female colleague loads.
I never took notice she was old and ugly, someone I wouldn't even notice.
They were having an emotional affair.
I'm not sure where it would have led to if I hadn't found out, ripped his head off and told her to fuck off.
Irony is now, the trust is gone and I couldn't care less if he ran off with her!!
That's the issue with these things, it changes how you feel about your partner.

What's inappropriate about walking/eating/friendly texting? Would you 'monitor' any of this is she was a guy? Or gay?

I have a male friend at work, we’re both managers and talk about how we can make things better at work or just have a good old moan! We go walking at lunchtime purely to escape the office! We also talk about crap on TV, holidays etc. There’s absolutely nothing more to it than that. We see each other loads when it is quieter and we can get out, other times we don’t leave the office. We recently went to a colleagues wedding and it was fab to spend time with our OHs too. We all got along, I hope this is similar to what you’re OH is doing.

Right let's be honest any decent husband if you explained how uncomfortable you felt would do the decent thing and say ok my love I will stop the lunches etc and keep purely professional. Anything less is really not ok.

Thanks for the insight everyone. So it's mixed messages. Some people think it's nothing and never will be and others think it could be the start of something.

This is new territory to me, we've never been in this situation before in the 12 years we have been together.

I am surprised that he hasn't taken my concerns seriously (ie maintaining the same level of contact despite saying he'd cut down) but I've never asked him to cut down before, I've never needed to.

I suppose the only thing to do is watch and wait. I might ask him why he hasn't cut down later today but then would have to admit to having snooped!

This wouldn't be acceptable to me. Maybe fine for some folks but not here. 🤷‍♀️

There's a book called Not Just Friends (or similar). I'd suggest you read it and maybe encourage him to aswell.

I am surprised that he hasn't taken my concerns seriously (ie maintaining the same level of contact despite saying he'd cut down) but I've never asked him to cut down before, I've never needed to

Because he values the attention he gets from her more than he values your feelings.

I think he is attracted to her youth and fitness hence going to the gym to tone up.
It's a well known fact that people will start to take more of an interest in their personal appearance when they are attracted to someone and (subconsciously or otherwise) hope it goes further. Watch out for him buying more trendy clothes and using expensive aftershave.

Yes I suppose he could be enjoying the attention of a younger woman. I hadn't even considered that. Especially now that we are both getting older (although I don't really think of myself as getting older yet at 41!)

I don't like that he's hiding aspects of it. I would speak to him again, remind him what he stands to lose. Snooping is because your radar is working. You don't usually do that, something us wrong.