To think this is more than friendship?

[ladieswotmunch]

Husband seems to have struck up a close friendship with a female colleague. Has been ongoing for a number of years but recently seems to have developed into something more, in my opinion. I'm hoping to get some outside opinions on this as he is adamant nothing is going on. What would you think if this was your DH?

They regularly go out for lunch alone together or will have a walk around the local area together. They send quite a few friendly texts, I would say they text probably most days, sometimes work related reminders etc but also friendly non-work related texts too

The difference is that they didn't used to do this until recently. So they would be friendly in work but didn't typically go out for walks or lunch and rarely text.

I just feel a bit uncomfortable about it but I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable. How does this look to most people?

shawshank I think everyone has the potential. I think I do! If I became very close to a handsome young man I could develop feelings of more than friendship. I like to think I'd stop it there though.

I like to think I'd stop it there though.

We can all find ourselves attracted to others, marriage doesn't stop that (thank God!) but that isn't the issue here. You feel you can't trust your husband to stop, because you fear he will have an affair. Why?

If you feel you can't trust him with any female because he may become attracted to them and not stop himself, what kind of future is that for you OP?

This happened to someone I know. He was the last person in the world to cheat on the face of it. He got a new job and the female colleague he became friends with was quite a bit older and not as attractive as his wife. He was having an affair with her four months after starting the job. His wife had never suspected anything. The OW was crafty and more or less engineered it all until she had what she wanted.
I think the warning sign here is that your husband is staring at his phone and not really listening to you. Suddenly deciding to go the gym is also a warning sign.
In your position I would watch very carefully for signs that something is going on. In the end it’s his decision if he does something inappropriate. You have talked to him about it. You have to decide what you will do in the event he does cheat.

Suggest you go to the gym with him - see what reaction he has.

If he's keen, great!
If he tries to convince you it's not a good idea for whatever reason then you know something is suspicious!

shawshank I just think it's a slippery slope and a needless risk. I'm worried that if those feelings develop he will see it differently to how he would see sleeping with a random woman.

I can't really go to the gym with him. He usually goes before work or sometimes after when I am at home with DC

Invite her and her husband for dinner.

He was the last person in the world to cheat on the face of it

They always are.

Hmm, a tough one. I would’ve done same as you, asked to meet for lunch on day off. You might catch a vibe, etc.
I’ve got a couple of male friends - one from 30+ years ago and we got our smog out as teens(!) - both married etc. Other is a work colleague and have met for coffee. Also married, no affair etc. I can see if you got really close to a colleague of the gender you fancied, it could lead to more as obviously you get on well, and that’s usually basis of fancying unless there is absolutely no physical attraction (but for me it goes more on personality as it shines out from the face - unless of course there is no pleasant physical attribute).

This happened to me, I talked to him about it, he denied it, I think it did start as friendship. I warned him that I would not put up with an affair, it carried on, and he started lying a lot about where he was going. Then he started to accuse me of being hysterical, suspicious, jealous. Eventually I caught him out, with her, asked him to leave, and started divorce proceedings. This was after at least 4 years of uncertainty and suspicion.
We had been married for 22 years, and had children, I don't think he had ever been unfaithful before, so I felt I had to be sure there was no doubt our marriage was over, and give him every chance. He was so shocked that I was ending our marriage, it made him quite ill. The lies and suspicion changed me forever, for the better, I am more independent, resourceful, and have had another, wonderful relationship since, (I am now widowed) There is nothing you can do, except quietly warn him what his behaviour will lead to, gather your resources, financial and emotional, and wait.

Personally I think it sounds fine. Our work place has nice places to walk and I’d often go out with a colleague for a stroll - it’s better than being stuck at a table in the canteen after a morning at a desk!

I have a lot of male friends due to a male dominated hobby and also working in an environment that had a workforce that was 90% men for a few years.

They were just that just friends until DH and I separated temporarily and two of them made an almost immediate play for me. To be honest it really upset me and I was always a strong defender of men and women can be just friends. When this happened I spoke to another male friend, he said if he was honest there was for him a bit of an undercurrent to all his friendships with women. He didn’t encourage or seek it or act on it but it was always there.

You are right to feel uncomfortable with it. If you meet her for lunch she should be the one invited to join you and your DH and not you joining them. I know it sounds petty but I thinks these little things are necessary.

It's sound like he's now hiding how much he sees her and speaks to her which is completely wrong. He knows this friendship is making you feel uncomfortable and he'd rather lie and about it than respect you and back off. This tells me that she means more to him than he will admit. You've asked him to cool down their friendship so he needs respect that. You're not asking him never to see or speak to her again. That would be unreasonable and controlling.

I don't know how much meeting her will help but it's worth a try. My DH started at a new office and he kept mentioning one woman. They didn't text outside of work so not as bad as your situation. I was a bit concerned but when I met her I just knew that I didn't need to worry and she was a lovely person. It helped to put a face to a name.

How did you know agenericusername? I'm thinking that if I meet them for lunch they're not going to be all over each other, are they? How would I know? I feel a bit silly about it now to be honest. I'll be better just forgetting about it (on the surface) and seeing it it progresses.

I’d be tempted to just show him this thread so he can see how concerned you are (and admit to the fact you’ve stooped to snooping because you’re so worried)... It might be the wake-up call he needs...

At the end of the day all the warnings signs are there already, sudden increased contact, daily messaging, joining gym and him ‘ignoring’ your concerns (avoiding eye contact by staring at his phone). If he was asking you such questions, would it feel normal to brush it off so lightly..?

I just felt at ease with her. I'm the sort of person that has to put a face to a name otherwise my imagination goes a bit crazy. I think it was different as well because their friendship didn't leak into our family time. It was very innocent and friendly and was always contained to work. I read a few of their messages before I met her (they didn't text that much) and didn't feel like they had over stepped a mark. I don't think I would have felt as comfortable with her if he was intense with her as your DH is with his friend. I would absolutely be telling my DH to cut down on the contact if it was this bad that it's interfering with our marriage. He needs to decide if this woman is worth losing his marriage over.

You don't have to admit you've been looking at his phone so know he's lying. When you ask him again if he's cut down his contact and he's tells you yes then just look him right in the eye and tell him he's lying. Tell him you can tell that he's lying. You can see it in his face.

He must think he can have the best of both worlds if he keeps her a secret now. I agree with PicsInRed you need to crush this. He needs to know that it can't carry on like this and he needs to understand that he's not getting away with it and he will lose everything all for not being able to respect you and cool down a friendship that upsets you.

I'm another one who's DH's affair with a female colleague started this way...except it was a more obvious change in behavior in that he randomly started going on more nights out with work and they gave each other lifts to and from work which wasn't necessary as it was only a 10 minute drive for DH.

If it's innocent yet making you feel uncomfortable - that's enough reason for him to stop IMO. But maybe I'm a bit controlling.

I don't see any reason why they should be texting each other outside of work. I certainly don't feel the need to be texting my male colleagues outside of work unless it was to say that I'd be out sick the next day or something. I don't even think of my colleagues outside of work.

I agree with what a PP said re meeting her for lunch; let her be the guest, and ensure he makes it clear that she's joining you both, not the other way round.

If she shows up for the lunch date, and how she reacts to you, will be very telling. If she's innocent then she should have no issue maintaining eye contact and asking you about yourself. You will know by the vibe and how your DH is.

Hoping it's completely innocent but I would be very wary. Trust your gut. I'm not saying your DH would cheat on you but some women are very determined and persistent and don't give a damn about the wife at home!

Agree with the level of texting being inappropriate. It pisses me off all this texting between work colleagues. I’ve not worked in an office for years but we would never have spent so much time texting each other.

Now my DH didn’t have an affair but is friends with a woman from work. I wasn’t happy with the level of texting and told him it was inappropriate. It was all work stuff and nothing untoward but still. These days people do the one line text then send another thing. So there can be about 20 texts!! It’s a thing these days but I still don’t like it.

All you can do is ask him to stop texting so much (but he may not listen) and reiterate that you won’t tolerate an affair or him spending too much time with her. And just keep an eye on it. It’s a tricky situation.