To think this is more than friendship?

[ladieswotmunch]

Husband seems to have struck up a close friendship with a female colleague. Has been ongoing for a number of years but recently seems to have developed into something more, in my opinion. I'm hoping to get some outside opinions on this as he is adamant nothing is going on. What would you think if this was your DH?

They regularly go out for lunch alone together or will have a walk around the local area together. They send quite a few friendly texts, I would say they text probably most days, sometimes work related reminders etc but also friendly non-work related texts too

The difference is that they didn't used to do this until recently. So they would be friendly in work but didn't typically go out for walks or lunch and rarely text.

I just feel a bit uncomfortable about it but I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable. How does this look to most people?

My unease is growing. I casually asked how she had taken him rowing back on the friendship and he said "fine". Tried other probing questions and got vague replies

"What did you say to her?"
"Nothing"
"So you've just stopped going for lunch with her this week without explanation and she hasn't asked about it"
"Mmm. Yeah"
"Has she text you?"
"A few times"

That kind of thing.

I've said I'm glad he's listened to me and has taken my concerns on board. Laid it on thick in the hopes that he might confess or at least feel guilty about lying! He's just carried on looking at his phone the whole time.

I said it'd be a shame to spoil our marriage over and he agreed! Difficult to say too much as DC are at home.

Don't say anything for a while.
Let him think you've forgotten or forgiven.
Take a day off from work one day and go to where he works or walks around at lunch, see with your own eyes of he's still doing it.
Then you have your answer ...
She matters more to him than your marriage.

new that sounds quite extreme! I am off on a Wednesday and Friday so it's possible to go but isn't it a bit much? What would I say I was doing there?

Don't say anything.
Try not to be seen.
It's just to see it for your own eyes.
Seeing something on a phone and seeing something unfold before you are two different things.
It may help you decide whether you want to stay with your husband or not.
It will show you of he has he decency to drop his lunch buddy or is he still lying to you after all this time.
Most people lie by omission or tell white lies.
You need to know if he is lying basically.

new I suppose that is probably the quickest way to figure out what is going on, if anything. It is better to see something with your own eyes... but I would basically be following him. If nothing is going on that's really quite extreme. What if he saw me? Saw my car?! And if something was going on would I just admit to following him? I don't even want to admit to phone snooping!

Perhaps suggest you meet up with them for lunch on your day off? Say you'd like to get to know her as she's his friend. It's moved on to him lying about cutting back on contact. I'm a mn 'cool wife' but that step to lying would get to me.

Yeah I’m not sure you can follow him, if he sees you he’ll think you are crazy.

The lying about cutting contact isn’t good. You haven’t got much to go on for now but the increase in gym activity is also a bit suspicious.

All you can do is reiterate what you have said to him about risking your marriage and keep an eye on it (somehow).

Could you perhaps go to the gym instead.
See if she goes there?
Get a day pass, tell them you're just looking to see what the facilities are like etc etc

Thanks new. That's something else I hadn't even considered. Although I feel that he would tell me if they went to the gym together. From his perspective he's not doing anything wrong and there's nothing at all for me to worry about.

I could suggest meeting her. I haven't actually officially met her before, just heard a lot about her from him.

I have a similar thing with a guy at my work. We sit next to each other. When you sit next to each other it's just normal to carry on conversations outside work as well. Easy to have the 'where are you going for lunch' conversations and we have similar tastes in food.

There is absolutely no overstepping of boundaries, flirting, feelings on either side, we are both happily married. I do find he texts me a fair bit but his life seems to be on whatsapp and he does the whole thing of each sentence per message whereas I'm older so am more old school

We've very gradually got to that stage though and I've had a lot of Male friends so this isn't unusual for me at all. Hes met my husband. There is nothing on any messages I wouldn't want him to see.

Obviously we cant say for certain there is nothing going on, but work friendships can just be that. I'd say a sudden change would make me suspicious though as would him having no other female friends

I guess you could suggest it , if he agrees no problem.
If he doesn't then he has something to hide or wants their connection, whatever that may be, to be just his and her thing.

I'm nearly 40, I worked with a 25 year old man.
I felt safe talking to him , thinking there is no way he would be interested in an old woman.
He was interested in more than friendship , I never realised it until he said it, then I wished of kept him at arms length like the 35 year old plus men .
In my experience men at work only make an effort if they are hoping for more.

I've had a bit of a chat with him, suggested if he wants to continue the friendship maybe he could introduce her to me. He has agreed and is going to speak to her tomorrow. I've suggested I could meet them for lunch on Wednesday or Friday.

He maybe pacifying you.
Hope not.
Just be prepared for him saying she's not interested etc.
Ask for this thread to be deleted as you have Wednesday and Friday off and you may have lunch etc that's a lot of information and his colleague may be on Mumsnet.

OP,

If your gut is telling you something is off it usually is.

The key issue is that you have spoken reasonably and respectfully to your husband, that you are concerned about his relationship with her and how it would be a shame if it was detrimental to your marriage.

For him to disregard your concerns is huge.

If he has done that, you definitely have a problem.

Indeed, then seeing them together, will most likely give you confirmation one way or the other.

They regularly go out for lunch alone together or will have a walk around the local area together. They send quite a few friendly texts, I would say they text probably most days, sometimes work related reminders etc but also friendly non-work related texts too

I'm afraid this is pretty classic. So classic that posters recognised it and thought you had posted before.

Crush it with great brutality. Mark my words, crush it.

picsinred I would if I had any idea how to. Not sure where to go from here. Not sure what I am expecting from meeting her, either. I'm sure they're unlikely to start shagging on the table top in front of me and can act "normal" for an hour!

I am probably overthinking for the moment. Nothing has happened and until something does happen I don't know what else I can do

I have to agree with @PicsInRed - this needs to be crushed. There's no way I'd be meeting her at all as what's the purpose of meeting her? What will it achieve?

Good luck however you choose to proceed.

I don't know if there's anything going on but just from my experience one of my closest friends is male and we talk nearly every day, go to the gym together, lunch, clubs together etc we just really get on well, same sense of humour etc. Our partners don't really like it but it annoys me as if we were the same-sex no one would have a problem.
My only advice is to be careful of going on too much about not seeing her etc as if there is something going on you are going to look like the devil moaning at him everytime he comes home and she will be the angel that's not nagging him and listening to his problems!

poppi thanks for you reply (and others with similar stories). You're keeping me from losing my head! Or at least making a total fool of myself. I'd love for them to be friends and nothing more. I just feel a tad uncomfortable about it and need a bit of reassurance. I don't want to be a harpy who bags and doesn't let him have friendships but I also don't want to sleepwalk into my husband taking another woman to bed because I've ignored the signs

Never say never op. I've seen things that have shocked me in the past. It's always people you never thought.

I doubt he is doing his weight loss exercising at the gym....

I can see why you have suspicions especially as their contact has increased so much but if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat and there's not much you can do to prevent it so just take your time to wait until you have evidence that he's cheating, if there's no evidence then he probably isn't.

poppi I'm not sure that's the case. I think he is very anti cheating and doesn't think himself capable but I also think this could be a situation where feelings develop and grow and could lead to cheating - or worse, him leaving me for her! I also think if it's looking likely to lead that way it could be nipped in the bud before it goes too far.

I also don't want to sleepwalk into my husband taking another woman to bed because I've ignored the signs

But do you trust him or not? I'm thinking you don't from this sentence, because you think he potentially could have an affair. Therefore I think there's more going on in your marriage to make you worry than just this friendship otherwise you wouldn't doubt your husband's intentions.