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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that this school mum put DC in danger and want to give her a piece of my mind! !

81 replies

Amazonita · 16/08/2019 21:57

DD attended an activity recently for a school friends birthday. The plan was for all the invited DC to go to friends house for lunch before the activity then the mum and dad would ferry them to the activity in two cars, then they'd do the same back to friends house and DC were to be collected from there later in the evening. I did check they were OK to take DD as I only live up the street and would have been happy to help out with the transport because I don't like people I don't know well driving DC about and they wouldn't have had a booster seat for her!

DD casually mentioned today that she had X sitting on her lap in the car on the way back from the activity. It turns out the Dad had to do 'something' so they all travelled back in one car, 7 DC plus the mum, so the 3 DC in the back all had someone on the lap with no seat belt around them!

I'm absolutely raging! DC are all 8. If she'd texted me I would have had no problem going to help out.

I would never take a risk like that with someone else's DC.

DH thinks I shouldn't say anything. It's done now, just make sure we refuse if they offer to drive DC again but I really want toAngry.

WWYD?

OP posts:
FuckFacePlatapus · 17/08/2019 03:30

But you still let your DD go thou even thou you did not like it?

Aragog · 17/08/2019 03:34

Also, these DC are eight-year-olds which means they are almost certainly all too big for car seats.

Most 8y I've known have still used car seats, with the odd 'play date' journey without perhaps.

The law is 12y or 135cm but many people prefer to keep younger children in them even if above the height as in many countries the height is 150cm. It's generally deemed safer than a seat belt alone as the seat belts will cut across the neck at the wrong place. As a short adult - not much taller than 150cm tbh - I notice the seat belt cuts across my neck in the back of a car so it definitely will for shorter children.

And sitting on someone's knee without a belt is obviously even more of an issue, for all the passengers!!

And yes we did it in the 70s. But that doesn't make it any safer. We learnt that it wasn't safe and changed the laws - because some people didn't survive the practise!

ChristmasArmadillo · 17/08/2019 03:57

Needless to say her teen dd is now on insta, etc, often with inappropriately dressed photos for one so young.

Yes, that does seem related. Confused

I’m a stickler for vehicle safety. I don’t think I’d bother with confronting her but I would calmly refuse to ever have my child in her car again, and explain why if she asked.

SockMachine · 17/08/2019 06:24

I would say to her in person, not by text “ why ever didn’t you ask me to help out with a lift rather than driving the kids in one car without seat belts? You should have let me know and I would gladly have helped!”

Userzzzzz · 17/08/2019 06:40

I think SockMachine‘s approach is quite good. I think you have to say something as she was so over the mark in terms of bad judgement. This wasn’t squeezing one extra child in: it was utterly dangerous. I’ve had some major rows with my husband as his parents are of the ‘squeeze’ one in variety with adults. I’ve felt horribly pressured into doing it on the odd occasion before growing a backbone and saying no.

billybagpuss · 17/08/2019 06:54

What we did in the 70s was ridiculous, although I do remember one incident where having so many in the car saved their lives as the car, a mini, rolled and they were so squished in they couldn’t fly around the car.

That advert came out at the end on the 70s with the child dummy flying through the window, then the one with the pizza in the early 80s where the kid killed the mum as they were sat behind in the back with no seat belt.

They don’t spend money on public services adverts if the stats aren’t there to justify it, so yes, we survived and actually having 7 squished into a metro to go swimming was fun, but too many didn’t survive and the laws rightly changed to reflect that.

TSSDNCOP · 17/08/2019 06:56

If you are going to say anything, then the approach by sockmachine is most likely to gain the effect you want .

The objective is to say that because it is dangerous you do not want your dc travelling that way. Should the situation arise you are first call to assist.

Don’t go whipping up the other parents, if you think it’s a subject worth fighting have the courage of your own conviction. Mob-handed will mean she’ll likely just dig in.

It’s a thought-provoking subject though. DS is more likely now to be travelling with non-known parents. I will be talking to him about saying “no” in dangerous practice situations, and calling for help to talk to the adult concerned.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/08/2019 07:08

Gosh how awful. Dd was once transported without a seat when she needed one. She wore a seat belt. I didn’t say anything to the mum. It was no point. It wouldn’t have changed anything. She is very immature.

I would be livid in your position. I don’t see what it will achieve to say anything. This as much on the husband as her. Maybe get your dh / dp to talk to him (if you have one) and ask him what was so important that he thought it was ok to abandon the kids.

SunshineCake · 17/08/2019 07:28

A few years ago a woman carried at least one more child that she should have in her car on a birthday trip. Crash. Child died. Not the child of the driver.

You have to say something. Your partner is being a pathetic wuss. I'd be very tempted to report to police so they can have a chat and definitely tell all the other parents. Every person in that car was at risk of death or serious injury.

Polly111 · 17/08/2019 07:32

I wouldn’t be too bothered about affecting my child’s friendships in this case as my child would never be going to their house again as she obviously can’t be trusted to look after kids.

I’d text the mum/other parents to check out the facts then I’d be reporting to the police, so they can go and have a word with the mum.

EleanorReally · 17/08/2019 07:40

unacceptable, but I would be in the do nothing camp.

ControversialFerret · 17/08/2019 07:45

YANBU.

It was common in the 70s. You don't hear much from the people who didn't survive, for obvious reasons! My DF was in the emergency services as a first responder. One of my earliest memories is having restraining harnesses in the back of our family car, that he'd fitted himself. Seatbelts didn't come as standard at that point in time, and DF was all too aware of what happened to unrestrained kids in the event of a collision. Even now he is absolutely unyielding about car seat safety and making sure his GC are all properly strapped in, boosters and so on.

I'm all for compromise and picking your battles but this is one that is not up for debate.

gingersausage · 17/08/2019 07:46

I’d just say “look, I don’t want my kid travelling unrestrained again, so if you’ve got more kids than seatbelts give me a call and I’ll help out”.

I can’t see any drama in that.

Ermmmmidunno · 17/08/2019 07:52

Oh wow some of these stories are making me feel ill. I have a 6 month old and I didn’t realise people still did this!

We did this shit in the 90s and everyone knew it was “naughty” then. (I don’t mean to trivialise it just the words used when I was sat in the footwell as a child by the driver).

YANBU. I would have to say something. They may think it’s worth the risk but they might stop if she’s shamed into doing so.

She might not be so lucky next time Sad but as long as her own kids are alright 🙄

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 17/08/2019 07:53

I also agree while obviously completely wrong it's done- and saying anything will not change it or her mind probably

I would not risk impacting DD's friendship -

However if another occasion should arise re transport with this mum you could mention last time and offer to help so you don't have kids on laps...

Ermmmmidunno · 17/08/2019 07:53

SockMachine’s response is spot on

nutbrownhare15 · 17/08/2019 08:02

Yanbu. I know someone who died in a car crash because someone was sitting on their lap and the back.of their head smashed into them. I think you have to say something.

stayathomer · 17/08/2019 08:17

"Dd was telling me you were stuck for cars going to the party. If y o ure ever stuck again just give a ring and I'd help you out, I just don't like the kids not having seperate seats, you know, just in case!!"

Something like this as I don't agree with posters saying let it slide as if this isn't a big deal to them it could happen again

TidyDancer · 17/08/2019 08:18

Oh gosh you have to say something. I agree with others, approach it from the perspective of trying to get some clarification as you're sure what you've been told can't be correct.

contrary13 · 17/08/2019 08:22

Almost 20 years ago, I stopped my daughter from continuing to go to playdates at a friend's house, unless I drove her both ways, because the mother returned her the first time and smirked when my daughter excitedly told me that she and her friend had been allowed to stand up in the car whilst it was in motion (she also had her dinner all over her face, too, and god alone knows what down her clothes, but those were minor trangressions...). The mother got all shouty defensive... and the playdates stopped immediately after I'd had the friend over twice (who at 4 was astonished by the concept of having stories read and of the TV not being allowed on until a certain point, for a certain amount of time).

This mother, OP, could have been in serious trouble had she been pulled over by the police. She might have seriously injured someone else's child(ren) - or even been seriously injured herself had she ended up having to do an emergency stop. The fact that, as an adult she didn't already know these things... means that if your daughter were mine? She'd not be allowed to transport her ever again. You're completely in your rights to be furious about this.

Thankfully, nothing happened... but it so easily could have, and it wasn't worth the risk if she had other options (ie, calling the parents to collect their children).

Dollygirl2008 · 17/08/2019 08:23

Crikey beat me to it. The accident in Oxford was horrific and sent a shockwave through the community. I remember it like it was yesterday

Similar situation - ferrying the boys from a birthday activity to the meal - the car went through the central reservation and killed an innocent man driving the other way as well.

Please say something or she will take these risks again. Could you speak to the other parents to share your concern?

FrogLion · 17/08/2019 08:39

I'd be furious too. But you DP is right, it's done now. Refuse her offer of transport in future.

Binforky · 17/08/2019 08:45

I would say something and I'm really not the confrontational kind. I think I would go along the "I hear you had trouble with transport..." approach.

My grandad was a policeman in the early 70s. He never really spoke of his job until one day I was in the car with my nan him and my dd who was about 3 months old. We were stuck in slow moving traffic and dd wouldn't stop screaming I was next to her trying bottles and everything. My nan told me "oh just get her out and cuddle her" I pointed out that was dangerous and illegal. To which she said "oh dont be ridiculous we always did it and if theres an accident your holding onto them so its fine". With that my grandad who was usually a really quiet person lost it telling her how stupid that was and how babies went fine back then and how she has no idea how many dead or injured babies and children he had to deal with as its not possible to hold onto them.

So all these people saying they survived etc are the lucky ones.

Binforky · 17/08/2019 08:45

Weren't not went

billybagpuss · 17/08/2019 09:05

One of my earliest memories is having restraining harnesses in the back of our family car, that he'd fitted himself. Seatbelts didn't come as standard at that point in time

I was the first in our neighbourhood to have a car seat, back in the days where no cars had rear seatbelts. It had to be bolted in to the back seat of the car. All dads friends thought he was nuts doing this.