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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that this school mum put DC in danger and want to give her a piece of my mind! !

81 replies

Amazonita · 16/08/2019 21:57

DD attended an activity recently for a school friends birthday. The plan was for all the invited DC to go to friends house for lunch before the activity then the mum and dad would ferry them to the activity in two cars, then they'd do the same back to friends house and DC were to be collected from there later in the evening. I did check they were OK to take DD as I only live up the street and would have been happy to help out with the transport because I don't like people I don't know well driving DC about and they wouldn't have had a booster seat for her!

DD casually mentioned today that she had X sitting on her lap in the car on the way back from the activity. It turns out the Dad had to do 'something' so they all travelled back in one car, 7 DC plus the mum, so the 3 DC in the back all had someone on the lap with no seat belt around them!

I'm absolutely raging! DC are all 8. If she'd texted me I would have had no problem going to help out.

I would never take a risk like that with someone else's DC.

DH thinks I shouldn't say anything. It's done now, just make sure we refuse if they offer to drive DC again but I really want toAngry.

WWYD?

OP posts:
crikeycrumbsblimey · 16/08/2019 23:16

Not a car seat issue as they were 13 but similar in that squeezed 7 kids in

Speakercube · 16/08/2019 23:30

I'd be furious too but it's done and like others say could ruin your dcs friendship group. As I have found even if the other parents are annoyed when you tell them they won't necessarily back you on this. Best to give your dc advice. As an aside I used to live in France. There the front passenger seat is known as the dead person's seat as drivers will look out for their side of the car making the passenger vulnerable. Whenever any parents came to collect any of my dcs I always insisted they weren't to go in the front. I always told my dcs not to go in the front also and none of them did. This is after explaining why. One mother said to me 'oh she' ll be perfectly safe'I replied well let your dd sit there then. Didnt go down well but my dd didn't go in the front! Many parents see it as a treat for their dcs to sit upfront but it really isn't. I'd drill your dcs as some parents don't have any common sense /are ignorant and you cant change that.

Yabbers · 16/08/2019 23:41

But bear in mind in the 70s people did this all the time. 4 kids on the backseat, 3 in the boot.

Then we realised it was ridiculously dangerous and outlawed it.

GlomOfNit · 16/08/2019 23:42

Crikey, I remember that horrible case very well, as we live very close and I was pregnant. Sad And it's that accident in particular that comes to mind whenever DS1 has had a similar party to go to. In fact I developed a bit of a reputation in the village for being 'precious' about not letting him sit in a car without a booster seat (when he was small enough to need one). Sod that - I didn't care. I took him to cinemas and swimming parties and bowling myself, met the party there and collected him afterwards, if I didn't know or trust the driver/s or knew they had form for cramming kids in or not using seatbelts.

How anyone can take those sorts of risks with someone else's children, I don't know. Damn right I'd be 'mentioning' it to the mum.

TatianaLarina · 16/08/2019 23:45

Then we realised it was ridiculously dangerous and outlawed it.

We survived nonetheless.

BouleBaker · 16/08/2019 23:57

TatianaLarina That's called survivor bias. not everybody did survive. The ones that didn't aren't here to give their opinion.

ineedaholidaynow · 17/08/2019 00:12

Tatiana why do you think they outlawed it? Why do you think all cars have more safety features that they used to? In the 70s drink driving wasn't seen as such a bad thing, why do you think it is now? Why do you think, even with the increased number of cars there are on the road, there are far fewer deaths than there were in the 70s?

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2019 00:13

We survived nonetheless.

We did.

Many did not.

merlotqueen · 17/08/2019 00:30

YANBU but if she had given a shit she wouldn't have done it.

Tell her, but it will fall on stupid ears.

donquixotedelamancha · 17/08/2019 00:44

after all, it's what most people did with groups of DC up until about 20 years ago, and most of them survived doing such journeys pretty regularly

'Most of the children will survive' is the odds I always hope for when someone cares for my child.

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 17/08/2019 00:49

This is ridiculous. I thought people stopped doing that in the 90s.

Rather than go in guns blazing straight away, I would probably text her and say something along the lines of "DD says she had a child on her lap in the backseat, surely thats not right?". See what she replies with and take it from there.

IsobelRae23 · 17/08/2019 00:50

@TatianaLarina yes but cars didn’t go as fast, there were not as many cars on the road, and more people died than now!! What a stupid comment. Are you the mum?

ReanimatedSGB · 17/08/2019 00:52

Also, these DC are eight-year-olds which means they are almost certainly all too big for car seats.

Though, if you are really concerned about road safety and your DCs' wellbeing, the best option is probably to avoid car travel altogether.
(yeah yeah, cue the usual 'but we live in the middle of nowhere' - fair enough, but far too many people in urban areas still insist on owning and driving cars.)

Banjodancer · 17/08/2019 00:56

I have a tall child who used a high back booster till he was ten. I don't work to the standard that the minute a child meets the minimum requirement to be out of a seat, they should be.
Anyway this issue isn't about car seats is it, the children on the laps will have been utterly unrestrained.

GreenTulips · 17/08/2019 01:00

Can you message another part girls mum and say ‘DD said x what did Sara say?’

DS told me once party mum put him in a bucket in the boot in the drive home over a very dangerous road - turns out they were ‘free’ in the back on farm land going to feed the sheep.

Worth checking with another first

soulrunner · 17/08/2019 01:08

While I don’t think what party mum did was acceptable, I would just leave it and if there’s another party, just arrange to pick your dd up. Confronting her won’t change anything and, depending on the social dynamics of the class, may affect your daughter’s friendship groups.

gluteustothemaximus · 17/08/2019 01:41

People still take risks. I see kids and babies on laps, and someone we knew who didn’t bother with seat belts took his grandchild out, didn’t make him wear one, and he had an accident and child went through the windscreen and died.

So no one will drive my kids, thanks. Because people are dickheads.

ysmaem · 17/08/2019 01:52

What she did was illegal and incredibly dangerous. You should definitely mention it to her but instead of going in guns blazing maybe send her a message or better yet speak to her in person and say something along the lines of "I need to talk to you about something my DD mentioned. She said someone sat on her knee in the car journey home, is this correct?" and see what she says. I find talking to someone calmly and rationally instead of a screaming and yelling has a much bigger impact.

billy1966 · 17/08/2019 02:06

This is so very emotive.

You either get it or you don't.

A pal of mine was briefly in A &E, many years ago, and told me that children that were not securely seated, were like Rag dolls thrown around a car and inevitable hugely injured as a result.
I'm not going to go into the injuries.

I would be so upset, no words at all.

I would be far too upset for drama.

I just would never give those parents my precious children again. Ever

OP, you know better than us every or not it's worth getting into it but I'd be so upset because it's very personal.

I certainly wouldn't hesitate to pass the word on... parents not to be trusted.

Advisemeplease1 · 17/08/2019 02:19

Something similar happened with my DC when she was 7.

Parent had bowling party for child in town straight after school finished, which was about 1 mile from their school.

I offered to help drive them there and stay in the background then help drive them back to the school where parents were picking up from (as I lived so far away it wasn't worth going home in between).

She said both parents would be driving so no worries.
I even specifically asked about making sure seatbelts were on properly, etc ("you know what kids are like!"), and was assured they'd be safe.

Turns out they only used 1 car for about 8 children and on the way there she put her own dc in seatbelts and the rest in the boot (estate), and in the footwells!

My DC was very adamant that it wasn't safe and she needed a seatbelt but the mum convinced her by saying it was only around the corner and they didn't want to be late, so she went along with it.

Once the party was finished I had a text telling me she was refusing to get into their car and could I collect her, which I did.

She told me why on the way home and says they were trying to do the same thing.

I was so proud of her for having the courage to refuse to put herself in danger again, and absolutely fuming at the mum.

I ended up confronting her the next day and saying how disgusted I was that she'd put the safety of our children at risk.

She honestly couldn't see the problem though as it was 'only a mile' and thought I was being over protective.

Needless to say her teen dd is now on insta, etc, often with inappropriately dressed photos for one so young.

From my point of view if I was in a similar position (and it would have had to be no other choice/forced) it would've been my own dc without seatbelts, not those who'd been entrusted into my care by others!

Although, it wouldn't have happened as I would've asked for help, paid for a taxi or walked rather than take that risk!

Advisemeplease1 · 17/08/2019 02:23

I say confronting, but I was much calmer by the next day and expressed my disappointment and worry, etc, pretty calmly. She just didn't see it as an issue so my dc never went to theirs again; although she was welcome at mine. I just couldn't trust them to put her needs or safely first.

billy1966 · 17/08/2019 02:28

What really pisses me off is that most parents won't do this, because they get it.
Safety counts.

It's just the other majority who count on making you feel uncomfortable, unsure and embarrassed because you really aren't comfortable.

Red tag to a bull here OP.

It is the reason I have always been a very fussy bitch when it comes to whom my children get in the car with.

Of course I know that, that means nothing.

No matter how careful you are, this bull happens.

HareTodayGoonTomorrow · 17/08/2019 02:44

UK rules are 12 years old or 135cm, whichever happens first, not 8. Most 8 year olds I know will fit comfortably into a car seat (including my own). What they did was stupidly dangerous.

GPatz · 17/08/2019 03:13

'Though, if you are really concerned about road safety and your DCs' wellbeing, the best option is probably to avoid car travel altogether.'

Or rather, avoid car travel with people who take risks like this with other people's children, as the majority of parents are not as idiotic.

Durgasarrow · 17/08/2019 03:22

I think this is one fight that is worth going to the mat for--but I also think it's worth getting help from other parents rather than going it alone. I am sure you aren't the only mother who would be horrified by this utterly irrational behavior.

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