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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about not getting invited?

93 replies

30somethingmama · 16/08/2019 21:34

I expect I will get roasted on this but I just want an opinion.
My mum goes to concerts with her friends all the time. This is no issue at all of course, but she has been to ones I would have liked to and not been asked - yet later found out her friends daughters who are my age went along, so it’s not as if they just wanted their nights out to be of a certain age range. As I say usually it doesn’t bother me at all and I think nothing of it.
A while ago she mentioned they were going to see Will Young. I’m actually a fan of his and she knows this. I said I would have liked to come along. Heard no more mentioned. Today she said “oh that will young concert, it’s on your birthday!” Still no invite. Then when I said that’s great thank you for telling me a concert I’m not welcome to is on my birthday she said her friends daughters get invited as they have more money?
Then started saying she won’t go and just being childish. I just felt a bit upset like it was an extra kick in the teeth and I’m not sure what she thought telling me proudly it was on my birthday was going to achieve.

OP posts:
Original poster
30somethingmama · 16/08/2019 23:44

@TigerLilyMasie I’ve just this minute bitten the bullet and booked the tickets Grin DP will be pleased when he wakes up to hear that I’m sure.. especially when I ask if he wouldn’t mind contributing anything towards it seen as it’s my birthday!
I’m looking forward to it now! Can you imagine if he’s a secret mumsnet lurker, reads this thread then says “where is 30somethingmama I hear it’s her birthday and she wasn’t invited here!” Shock

@IdblowJonSnow exactly.. it’s like she told me just to get a reaction? I’ll get a bloody reaction when she bumps into me there with a sign in her face!

@ReanimatedSGB You’re right, letting myself get upset, stressed and showing her how I feel achieves nothing apart from making me feel drained. I really wanted to go to this concert so I’ve just this minute booked myself and DP tickets. I think you’re advice to just get on with my own life and leave her to it, not expecting anything of her is probably the best way.
@Branster that would have been a lovely thought but that’s not my mother. I don’t think she’s done anything like that in my life to surprise me actually. I could tell by the way DP reacted (when we left he said “I know you usually overreact to things, but your mum was bang out of order) and I’m sure he would have known had it been a surprise as she would have wanted to make sure he didn’t have any plans for me etc.
I’m not sure to be honest, I personally don’t mind them and they are always more than nice to me when I see them but it’s as though she wants to keep me separate from them. She probably doesn’t realise but I don’t understand why Confused

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1wokeuplikethis · 16/08/2019 23:46

Who wants to sit at a concert on their own?! Cinema, meal, coffee alone; fine, a concert though? Especially if you know your mum and her pals and their daughters are somewhere in there....who the hell would want to do that.

From your OP your mum sounds like a thoughtless goady idiot, but also you both sound passive aggressive. There’s nothing wrong with being forward: “oh will young on my birthday? What a coincidence. I like him too. I’d like to come along.” If you can afford the ticket then your mums words are pointless. If you’re angling for her to pay for your ticket that’s different. “Hey mum, if you bought me a ticket too that would be a lovely birthday present. But if it’s too much then I understand.”

It’s basically open communication surely?

Original poster
30somethingmama · 17/08/2019 00:00

@1wokeuplikethis I’ve just now booked tickets for myself and DP to go so we’re going to make a night of it.
When she originally told me she was going to see Will Young I said I would really like to go along but she didn’t even acknowledge me. Then today she proudly told me it’s on my birthday and when I said that would be ideal for me she said that basically it’s booked, she has her own life without me and that her friends children (not children obviously they are my age but you get my point) go along as they have more money. I then said I would have paid and not expected her to pay at all but then she just gets defensive and I can’t deal with it.

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Original poster
30somethingmama · 17/08/2019 00:06

@Cyrusc I honestly have no idea as I was 3 or under when they split up. From what I have deciphered from family members is that mum started seeing my step dad while still with my biological father and made him feel pushed out so he gave up. No excuse to give up on your child and I will never forgive him or understand why he didn’t take it to court, but that is what I have been told.
She had me at 20, so maybe she does feel like I took away her young days of freedom? Her Mother lived next door to her but she wasn’t supportive from what I have been told and she wasn’t the nicest of characters (mum and her brother were physically abused by their parents as children)
I’m sure you are correct to some extent and that has something to do with it at least. Thank you Flowers

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Original poster
30somethingmama · 17/08/2019 00:24

@OliviaBenson sorry I just saw your post. That’s awful, I don’t have brothers or sisters so I can’t imagine how that must feel. It’s really upsetting though isn’t it and makes you wonder what’s wrong with you for them to not want to spend time with you - and in your case go to the extent of lying so they obviously know they are out of order.
Families eh - who would have ‘em!!

OP posts:
Motoko · 17/08/2019 00:51

Seeing as it's your birthday, she could have asked you along, and paid for your ticket. If she was a decent mum she would.

It does sound like she resents you, it's like she's done her job, raising you until you were 18, now she doesn't have any responsibility to you. It also sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree, if her own mother was unsupportive, 20 is a young age to have a baby. (I know, I was only 19 when I had my first, but I was given lots of support from my parents.)

I'm sorry you've got a crap mum, and I hope you and DP have a great time. I also hope she sees you there and gets miffed! Perhaps you could go over and say hi to her friends, let them see what she's like. They'll be wondering why you didn't go with them/her.

Oh, and Les McKeown was the lead singer of the Bay City Rollers, and I fancied him like mad (I was only 10)!

timeisnotaline · 17/08/2019 01:07

I’m so glad you’re going! Have a fab time, friendly smile at most to your mum. Preferably don’t tell her you’re going till fairly late.

Original poster
30somethingmama · 17/08/2019 09:45

Her and Dad were due to come tomorrow afternoon for Sunday lunch - she’s just got Dad to ring to say they won’t be coming as “he’s not sure what I said but I upset my mother”... fine!

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Summerunderway · 17/08/2019 10:00

Enjoy your quiet day tomorrow!!
I would tell your df exactly what's going on...

RandomMess · 17/08/2019 10:01

What you did was point out that your Mum was being a cow rubbing your nose in it. No idea why your Mum does this but it is a power trip to say she is doing x y z and never inviting you when other grown daughters are. She feels threatened by you for some bizarre reason.

LollyBmummy3 · 17/08/2019 10:06

30something I’m glad to read that you have booked the tickets. As for your mum she doesn’t sound very nice. Don’t speak to her for a while to let things settle then tell her exactly how she has hurt you. Hope you have a great time at the concert.

RandomMess · 17/08/2019 10:10

Put it another and I was the Mum and my DD lived Will Young...

"DD my group of friends have invited my to go see Will with them, the car is already full so I can't invite you along. It's on your birthday did you want us to go together? I can't afford a ticket for us both but I could put £20 towards it."

You know that's the sort of conversation that would happen if your Mum cared IMHO?

TigerLilyMasie · 17/08/2019 10:12

OP! FANTASTIC!!

I know I sound like an old crock but really you live and learn. How many times in the past I regretted NOT being bothered to go with my best friend in the 80's to see Michael Jackson live!

There comes a point when the opportunity has gone. I also planned to go and see Amy Winehouse live at some point but never got the chance.

Obviously, the situation with your mum is a separate issue. I really don't understand her behaviour towards you, it sounds very hurtful and unreasonable.

Whatever her reason though, this is all about HER and her issues and mindset. It does not reflect on you as a person.

On a deeper level, going to this concert is you taking back your power and not letting her control the situation and not allowing her to cause you to miss out on something you would enjoy. Maybe you could do that more often.

Have a WONDERFUL time!

TigerLilyMasie · 17/08/2019 10:14

Motoko

Wasn't he divine! I also was 10. I was sure I would marry him and used to kiss his poster every night! lol!

Happy memories.

lifecouldbeadream · 17/08/2019 10:16

I’d have told my Dad EXACTLY why my mum had the hump..... what an awful way to treat your daughter.

I have an almost grown up daughter and there is NO way I would go and see a band/artist she likes on her birthday WITHOUT asking if she wanted to go. It’s rude, inconsiderate and selfish, oh and hurtful. She probably knows it and it’s easier to play the victim than realise you are likely to be called out on your unpleasant behaviour.

It’s not the way you’d treat someone you just like, let alone your child/loved one.

How much time do you spend together?

I’m asking because if she works, and you spend a lot of her down time together, might it be that she feels she doesn’t have a lot of time to herself?

I’d not be contacting her...... she can have all the time she wants to herself......

bluebeck · 17/08/2019 10:24

Oh OP it really isn't you - it's her Flowers

Have a read of this website and see if it fits www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

I hope you have a lovely time at the concert. I also hope you start to wake up to the way your mother is treating you.

Motoko · 17/08/2019 10:55

@TigerLilyMasie

Haha! I had the clothes too, trousers and bomber jacket, and the scarf tied to my wrist!

OP why didn't you tell your dad? Have you asked him why she's like this with you?

Original poster
30somethingmama · 17/08/2019 10:57

@Motoko I text him last night and he told me to stop getting upset over trivial things. I didn’t have the opportunity this morning as he rang DP and not me Hmm

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Original poster
30somethingmama · 17/08/2019 10:58

He just makes excuses for her, says she didn’t book the tickets so it wasn’t up to her etc. No excuse really as what would it take to say “DD like Will Young, I’m sure she would like to come along”
No one just books tickets for someone without telling them the date etc and who it is, that’s what they are trying to fob me off with.

OP posts:
Motoko · 17/08/2019 11:07

Ah, I see. That's a shame.

He's wrong, it's not a trivial thing, and you have every right to be upset. Remember that.

BlackCatSleeping · 17/08/2019 11:21

Well, if her friends have organised it and just asked her along. I can imagine why she would feel uncomfotable inviting someone else along too.

I hope you have a great birthday!!

sandgrown · 17/08/2019 11:21

I don't know my biological father OP . My mum married my stepdad when I was two and passed him off as my dad until I was old enough to question. They moved when they married to start a new . I am still looking for my "real" dad though I suspect he may have died. Don't be too harsh on him he may have been hurt by your mother too. Enjoy your concert xx

BloomingHydrangea · 17/08/2019 11:37

I asked her if she wanted to come with me to choose wedding shoes as I chose my dress without her and she made me feel awful about it. But she basically told me she has better things to do with her weekend.

I think everyone would have better things to do than go and chose wedding shoes! Don't you just order them online?

That was incredibly rude of you- she wasn't important enough for the dress but could go for the shoes (which isn't even a thing)

Original poster
30somethingmama · 17/08/2019 12:11

@BlackCatSleeping quite possibly but they haven’t paid for her ticket and I assume it wouldn’t have taken too much to say “that’s my daughter birthday she likes Will Young, would it be ok for her to come along? Especially when other daughters are going.

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Original poster
30somethingmama · 17/08/2019 12:14

@BloomingHydrangea I went with my bridesmaid to just try a few on with no intention of buying one. Typically the 3rd one I tried I fell in love. Mum was more than welcome to come but was busy that night so didn’t. I rang her and said what do you think to the dress? Should I get it? And she said it’s beautiful, if you like it, get it. I did and then since she has made me feel awful about it saying it sticks with her that she wasn’t there. I thought I would try to make it up to her by including her in other ways but she isn’t interested - which is why she didn’t come dress shopping in the first place. She isn’t really bothered - I think she just likes to guilt trip.

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