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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about not getting invited?

93 replies

30somethingmama · 16/08/2019 21:34

I expect I will get roasted on this but I just want an opinion.
My mum goes to concerts with her friends all the time. This is no issue at all of course, but she has been to ones I would have liked to and not been asked - yet later found out her friends daughters who are my age went along, so it’s not as if they just wanted their nights out to be of a certain age range. As I say usually it doesn’t bother me at all and I think nothing of it.
A while ago she mentioned they were going to see Will Young. I’m actually a fan of his and she knows this. I said I would have liked to come along. Heard no more mentioned. Today she said “oh that will young concert, it’s on your birthday!” Still no invite. Then when I said that’s great thank you for telling me a concert I’m not welcome to is on my birthday she said her friends daughters get invited as they have more money?
Then started saying she won’t go and just being childish. I just felt a bit upset like it was an extra kick in the teeth and I’m not sure what she thought telling me proudly it was on my birthday was going to achieve.

OP posts:

ysmaem · 16/08/2019 22:07

Is she not asking because she's worried you couldn't afford the ticket for yourself and she isn't in a position to pay for you? And that she might feel this in turn would hurt your feelings? I'm thinking this because she keeps telling you her daughters friends have more money that you have, which is pretty insensitive on her part. Why not sit her down and tell her how hurt you are. Tell her you'd love to be included and would like the occasional invite. Tell her even if you can't attend it would still be nice to be invited and included.

Original poster

30somethingmama · 16/08/2019 22:11

@ysmaem she’s actually implying her friends have more money than she does (I think) but I wouldn’t be hurt at all if she said “would you like to come, you would have to pay for yourself though”
Surely anyone would see that would hurt someone less than just not inviting them at all! That is another way of looking at it though which I hadn’t thought of and I can see your point. It’s a strange way of thinking so actually could be the way my mothers mind works! Any other time when I’ve previously told her I would have liked an invite it’s not actually bothered me massively but this time because A) it’s someone shes aware I like and B) it’s my birthday it’s actually stung a bit more if that makes sense.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 16/08/2019 22:13

To be honest with all the other things you have mentioned it's like some weird power play is going on. I think it's likely she's jealous of you and is trying to take you down a peg or two by leaving you out, making out that she has better things to do than spend time with you.

DewDropsonKittens · 16/08/2019 22:13

In fact... try to find out where she is sitting and get the seat in front of her with a great big fucking sign to block her view 🤣🤣

LillithsFamiliar · 16/08/2019 22:16

Go with your DP. We say Will Young a few years ago and he was surprisingly fab!
As for your DM, it sounds as though you're expecting her to be someone she isn't. She's generous with money not time. There's a book about 5 love languages and basically it says people show love in different ways. It sounds as though she's someone who shows love with money. You prefer time. It's not a clash you're going to resolve because it's just a personality difference.

LittleAndOften · 16/08/2019 22:21

Go. Get your own tickets. It's your birthday! Enjoy it with DP and pretend she's not there. Just go for yourself and have a bloody good time.

You're bending over backwards for your mum and getting nothing in return, so turn the tables. Give nothing and she may start to make some effort. These constant rejections are just going to eat you up otherwise.

DrReed · 16/08/2019 22:25

Have you ever been out with her and her friends? You say she's the cleaner for one of them and they are all richer. Could it be that she behaves differently with them, or they treat her like a poor relation or something and she doesn't want you to see her like that?

JoySuckClub · 16/08/2019 22:25

Ah love. I am so sorry. She sounds awful. If it wasn't Hull and if my own mum would ever deign to babysit, I'd have bloody taken you. I love Will Young.
smellbow he has a new album out.
Gaymazing video here:

Lovely choreo here:

Original poster

30somethingmama · 16/08/2019 22:28

@RandomMess Possibly, although I’m not sure why she’s jealous. I grew up in a council house as her and my biological father spilt before I was old enough to remember (never met him and she won’t tell me anything) but I never went without. Me and DP own our own home but it’s nothing that we haven’t worked for and it’s not exactly a mansion.
It does often feel like you describe thought and she very much likes to reiterate the “I have my own life and you’re not a part of it” which is fine, but I would like to feel like I’m some part of her life that she finds enjoyable!

@DewDropsonKittens that made me laugh! What shall it say? “I heart will young” on one side and “fuck you” on the other?

@LillithsFamilar I think we will. We’ll go for a nice meal before too so it will be nice to have quality time as a couple.
That’s interesting I have never heard of that theory I’ll have to try and read into it, might help me to understand how her mind works a little better!

OP posts:

DewDropsonKittens · 16/08/2019 22:31

I think it should say

"I wasn't invited but I came anyway"

Original poster

30somethingmama · 16/08/2019 22:35

@LittleAndOften Thank you she’ll bloody hate we’re there I’m sure, but I’ll keep out of her way! You’re right, I’m going to just stop trying with her. I get fed up of saying “shall we do something this afternoon?” And pretty much getting a response like I’ve asked if I can bite her head off!
@DrReed I’ve been out with her and a couple of her friends once before and they were all quite lovely and pleasant. It could be possible she likes to try and keep up appearances though and maybe she doesn’t want her common daughter hanging around who’s only an ex dental nurse when all their daughters are teachers or getting married to tycoons!

OP posts:

TigerLilyMasie · 16/08/2019 22:35

My husband came with me to se Les McKeown/Bay City Rollers and is NOT his thing at all!

I had no one to go with - you probably don't know who they are but they were huge when I was kid in the 70's and I never saw them in the flesh.

When I realised Les was still going I really wanted to tick that box and my husband came so I could.

Unexpectedly, he enjoyed it.

I would say go with your husband. You may never get the chance again and you may always regret it!

Original poster

30somethingmama · 16/08/2019 22:36

@DewDropsonKittens much more dignified and to the point than my idea, I like that

OP posts:

Original poster

30somethingmama · 16/08/2019 22:39

@JoySuckClub I would never want to put someone through coming to Hull if they didn’t have to!
But thank you, that is a lovely thing to say and I really appreciate it
I like his new song, very catchy! My favourite by him is “who am I” reminds me of my first love. (Better not tell H2B that when I want him to pay for the ticket though!)

OP posts:

Mammyloveswine · 16/08/2019 22:41

Ah op I think that's awful and selfish! But my Mam is similar, totally thoughtless but no malice intended!

How is your relationship otherwise? What happens if you say "oh I'll come along?".

Hugs OP it's shit being left out.

Derbee · 16/08/2019 22:43

Your mum sounds weird and mean. But if you want to go to concerts, I don’t see why you don’t use the internet to see what’s on, and book to go with your DP/friends.

Your mum isn’t the concert police who gets to decide if you can go to concerts. Do your own thing and don’t rely on her for your happiness or entertainment as she’s obviously weird about it for some reason.

Original poster

30somethingmama · 16/08/2019 22:43

@TigerLilyMasie I’ve heard of the Bay City Rollers but not Les Mckowen I’m afraid! (Born in ‘87)
I know what you mean though and I do feel bad about the thought of dragging him along when I know he won’t enjoy it but I’ve heard him secretly singing along to his songs on the radio before so hopefully it won’t be too painful for him.
I’m definitely going to book us tickets as we have no other plans for my birthday so it seems ideal really.

OP posts:

IdblowJonSnow · 16/08/2019 22:45

Your mum sounds like a dick. Unless she's really stupid she sounds like she's trying to needle you.
My mum used to do stuff like this to me but now she's in her 70s has finally grown out of it!

Original poster

30somethingmama · 16/08/2019 22:48

@Mammyloveswine (good name!) I’m glad it’s not just me with a mother like that!
She doesn’t really like putting herself out for me shall we say. I don’t expect her to but an hour or so a week to spend quality time somewhere together isn’t much?
This was an earlier conversation;
Her “Your Dad has the weekend off” (he’s a farmer)
Me “oh great, maybe we could go looking for my wedding shoes then seen as you didn’t come dress shopping and Dad will be home with the dogs?”
Her “I do have my own life you know, I do like to have time on my own”
Me “okay...”

OP posts:

TigerLilyMasie · 16/08/2019 22:48

OP please do. As I say, you never if, for whatever reason, this is your last chance to see him so take it. My husband is into rock and NOT pop but he stood up and sang and clapped etc. I was really surprised.

Some people made fun of us after when we told them where we'd been but my DH stood up for it and said he enjoyed because it was live music and the musicians were good.

I have slid into a fantasy where Will reads this thread and you calls you out onto the stage to sing Happy Birthday to you! lol!

IdblowJonSnow · 16/08/2019 22:48

Tell her if she's not going to ask you along to not tell you about it in the first place. And organise stuff with your own friends.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/08/2019 22:54

For whatever reason, your mother doesn't want to socialise with you. Yes, this is upsetting, and unkind of her, but there is nothing you can do to change the way she behaves, you can only change your own reaction to it. If she's doing it maliciously, because she wants to hurt or punish you or something, showing her that you are upset is giving her a result; taking no notice will make it less satisfying to keep ostentatiously excluding you.
Go to the gigs, etc, that you want to go to. Do the things you want to do with people who are atcually nice to you. Don't have a big row or showdown with your mum, as doing that never achieves anything useful - just stop letting her upset you.

Branster · 16/08/2019 23:02

My first thought was that Maybe she got you a ticket to join as your surprise birthday present?
Awful to be left out like this when some of the other daughters are going. Are these women actual friends to her or is your mum tagging along to feel part of the gang?
She sounds a little detached or distracted - she probably doesn’t realise she is hurting your feelings.

OliviaBenson · 16/08/2019 23:36

My mum pull tricks like this, but she goes with my sister. Sometimes she'll tell me she's going to a show but say it's with her friends, then forget she's lied and then tries to gaslight me when I say she said it was with her friends and not my sister.

Detach detach detach. You won't change her.

My DH and friends also think it's a jealousy thing. It's horrible though.

Cyrusc · 16/08/2019 23:38

Did she find early motherhood hard OP? I'm thinking the situation with your biological dad mightn't have been easy for her and perhaps she resented motherhood somewhat? Totally guessing here so sorry if I'm way off the mark!

I'm just wondering if she was a single mum 32 years ago it was possibly very difficult/stifling being solely responsibke for a child and not having a life of your own and so when you ask for her time her old scars cause her to emphasise that her life is her own? Still absolutely no reason to be cruel to you as none of that would be your fault and you sound very lovely so it's baffling why a mum would behave so horribly towards her only child.

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