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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Headstone on wrong grave, angry WWYD

83 replies

starshine1926 · 16/08/2019 18:53

So it will be 3 years in November since my mum died (can't believe I'm writing that).

I started researching masons, headstones etc back in the Spring and chose a company with excellent feedback. Finally settled on the wording etc and agreed the proof copy 2 weeks ago. Incidentally, I wasn't impressed with a few spelling errors I had to correct.

The masons rang me today to say the job was finished and emailed a picture. The headstone is great, simple black granite with a few motifs personal to her and the names of her relatives. Just one problem: it's on the wrong grave!!

There is no cause for confusion as there is a simple wooden cross with mum's name on it already there. The company rep visited the grave months ago and he stood there while I described it on the phone so they knew exactly where it was. This is a well established family funeral directors and some numpty workman has cemented the stone to an unmarked grave. I discovered this after work today cause I visited tonight in the pouring bloody rain and howling wind, getting soaked in the process.

I am equally angry and upset. I have had a truly crap week, been treated like shit by various people and this is the icing on the cake ffs.

I was quoted £1500 for the headstone. I will be going to see them on Monday. WWYD? Ask for a discount?!
So wanted this to be right - mum was my last living relative.

OP posts:

jasjas1973 · 16/08/2019 21:03

I find it very surprising they would get this wrong, as they need proof you have the right to erect a 'stone ie the grave deeds with the plot number on it.

Perhaps you should also be checking the grave plot details as well?

Assuming that is correct, the stonemason will be horrified and will quickly put it right, the HS is just placed on a concrete plinth, easily moved.

You are happy with the price, so why ask for discount? tacky if you do.

Alexapourmeadrink · 16/08/2019 21:03

Why has it taken you so long? My mum passed away 3 years ago but her headstone was installed in less than a year, after the recommended subsidence period.

Tell your stonemason that you’re not happy and have the tombstone moved. Of course, ask for a discount but don’t sweat it too much.

user1473878824 · 16/08/2019 21:07

I’m very sorry OP. And sorry for your loss.

Just get them to move it. And perhaps write a letter of apology if the church know the family of the person who’s grave now has the wrong headstone.

ParkheadParadise · 16/08/2019 21:10

Why has it taken you so long?

Not everyone can afford to have a headstone erected straight away.

Boysey45 · 16/08/2019 21:15

Its very upsetting, but I'm very sure it will be put right straight away. I wouldn't be paying then anything until the headstone was on the right grave.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 16/08/2019 21:16

Focus on getting it corrected, and worth considering the other grave's family might be very distressed, will they make an effort to contact that family to apologise?

Don't discuss moneybefore this is corrected. Particularly if you've not paid anything yet.

I agree try to contact them over the weekend.

FatherBuzzCagney · 16/08/2019 21:18

Why has it taken you so long?

It took me four years, so OP seems quick off the mark to me.

Why did it take so long? Because I couldn't face it any sooner. And because after two years of pretty much nothing but work and clearing my parents' house, I needed to step away for my own sanity.

Original poster

starshine1926 · 16/08/2019 21:25

LonelyGir1, I'M BEING UNREASONABLE?!!
I haven't paid yet, but I was expecting to pay for a professional service carried out in a sensitive manner. That obviously has not happened so no, I don't feel like giving them a fat profit.
The company concerned is both a funeral directors and masons. One of the owners went to visit the grave and read back to me my mum's details on the wooden cross. He noted these details and the position of the cross. There was also the previous broken headstone with mum's relatives. I gave him my funeral director's tel no as he had the lair certificate so there is no excuse.
I will be going in on Monday with a photograph and a letter to demand this is rectified asap. They do not use contractors.

OP posts:

LonelyGir1 · 16/08/2019 21:42

^it's such a difficult time. I know this first hand. Someone has been incompetent, but your anger is misdirected. I hope you find the resolution/ comfort you need soon.

Soontobe60 · 16/08/2019 21:43

Op, is the headstone in a completely different place? What has happened to the broken headstone that was there already?

TregunaMekoides · 16/08/2019 22:25

You are happy with the price, so why ask for discount? tacky if you do.

She was happy with the price at the level of service she expected. That service, in practice, has clearly fallen well below anticipated practice, therefore why on earth pay full price? How is it "tacky"? What a strange attitude. Would you pay full price a hairdresser who dyed your hair the wrong colour? Or to a florist who delivered flowers you ordered to the wrong address?

Sceptre86 · 16/08/2019 22:32

Sorry for your loss. Definitely demand that they put it right, tell them you will not be paying any extra funds and emphasise the emotional distress this has caused you.

BanginChoons · 16/08/2019 22:44

Why has it taken you so long?
It took me 9 years for my daughter's headstone. I just wasn't ready, it felt too final, somehow.

BanginChoons · 16/08/2019 22:46

Ok I'm sorry this has happened. I'm sure that it will be put right as sensitively as possible when you bring it to their attention.

ParkheadParadise · 16/08/2019 22:50

BanginChoons
I know exactly what you mean.
When my dd died, I was in denial for a long time. Remember going to the cemetery and her headstone had been erected, I cried for hours if felt so unreal, so final somehow.

Topseyt · 17/08/2019 03:23

OP, of course you are not being at all unreasonable. I couldn't believe what I was reading with the poster who has suggested that you are. Ignore, ignore, ignore, as much as you can.

What an awful thing to happen. It is the sort of mix-up that shouldn't happen, but obviously it does occasionally as reading a couple of the posts on here shows.

I hope that when you point out the error to them on Monday morning they are suitably embarrassed and contrite. They should correct it asap without further charge to you.

Have you paid the full bill or just a deposit so far? If you have just paid the deposit then tell them that you won't be paying the balance until the error has been corrected, and that you don't expect to see any additional charges added as a result of this.

I'm sorry this has happened. I really hope it is put right forthwith.

Topseyt · 17/08/2019 03:31

I mean to say (but maybe wasn't clear) that I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask for a discount here because the level of service has fallen well short of what it should have been.

RogerBannister · 17/08/2019 07:10

Op: AIBU?

Poster: YABU

Op: I’M BEING UNREASONABLE?????!!!!!!!!

TheSerenDipitY · 17/08/2019 07:15

Op: AIBU?

Poster: YABU

Op: I’M BEING UNREASONABLE?????!!!!!!!!

HINT:- the op is not being unreasonable

welliesarefuntowear · 17/08/2019 07:26

I'm so sorry this has happened. Myself and my brothers are in the process of organising a headstone for my mum. I can't wait to get it there. It's the last thing you can do for them so for it to be wrong is heartbreaking. I really feel for you. Just call them on Monday. Nothing you can do now. If your mum was anything like mine she probably would find it amusing

kimikoglenn · 17/08/2019 07:40

I reckon its a complete miscommunication.

Maybe wooden cross was knocked over at some point and somebody assumed it belonged to the unmarked grave because of the remnants of the old headstone so when the stonemason read the details back from the cross, he was reading the cross accurately but it was in the wrong place.

Obviously they should have checked the plot number closely but I wonder if they even called your funeral directors for the lair cert. Maybe they just assumed they had confirmed the location with you and went ahead.

Not excusing the mistake but I can imagine how it has happened.

I would just call and say there seems to have been a mistake which is quite upsetting, how quickly can you get it rectified?

See where that initial conversation goes.

trollopolis · 17/08/2019 07:47

Who manages the burial plot? They should have checked the actual plot number and are the ones where the buck stops.

They are the ones who need to arrange for any appropriate stonemason to move the stone to the correct spot, at their expense.

I'm really sorry this has happened, but I do think you need to direct your complaint to the people responsible for the running of the burial site, for giving the ring plot number.

LaDrem · 17/08/2019 08:12

You aren't being unreasonable to be upset but you ARE overreacting. Completely understandable as you clearly wanted this to be a loving gesture for your dear mum.

It still is, OP. You have a beautiful headstone. The company will be mortified and apologetic. You don't need to go down there blazing, you just need to phone them and ask for it to be corrected. They will do this.

Cheeserton · 17/08/2019 08:38

Discount for what? You're being unreasonable.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous and horribly insensitive. For what? What the hell do you think for? The fact that they massively fucked up a hugely sensitive, expensive job perhaps??

OP - ignore that kind of rubbish. Very obviously you're not being remotely unreasonable here and have every right to be upset. A serious reduction is the very least they should be offering for the upset.

Cheeserton · 17/08/2019 08:40

You aren't being unreasonable to be upset but you ARE overreacting
She really isn't. They had one job to do and royally messed it up. In the circumstances the OP actually sounds pretty restrained.

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