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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Headstone on wrong grave, angry WWYD

83 replies

starshine1926 · 16/08/2019 18:53

So it will be 3 years in November since my mum died (can't believe I'm writing that).

I started researching masons, headstones etc back in the Spring and chose a company with excellent feedback. Finally settled on the wording etc and agreed the proof copy 2 weeks ago. Incidentally, I wasn't impressed with a few spelling errors I had to correct.

The masons rang me today to say the job was finished and emailed a picture. The headstone is great, simple black granite with a few motifs personal to her and the names of her relatives. Just one problem: it's on the wrong grave!!

There is no cause for confusion as there is a simple wooden cross with mum's name on it already there. The company rep visited the grave months ago and he stood there while I described it on the phone so they knew exactly where it was. This is a well established family funeral directors and some numpty workman has cemented the stone to an unmarked grave. I discovered this after work today cause I visited tonight in the pouring bloody rain and howling wind, getting soaked in the process.

I am equally angry and upset. I have had a truly crap week, been treated like shit by various people and this is the icing on the cake ffs.

I was quoted £1500 for the headstone. I will be going to see them on Monday. WWYD? Ask for a discount?!
So wanted this to be right - mum was my last living relative.

OP posts:

LonelyGir1 · 16/08/2019 19:51

*discount

ChicCroissant · 16/08/2019 19:53

Ask them to put it on the right grave ASAP, but they'd need a plot number. Yes it is upsetting, but if they didn't have a plot number I don't see the reason for a discount. I hope it is sorted out quickly OP.

apostropheuse · 16/08/2019 19:54

Did they not ask to see the Lair certificate, which would have the plot number on it? I also would have thought the cemetery would insist on proper paperwork. It all sounds a bit slapdash. Give them a call in the morning.

ParkheadParadise · 16/08/2019 19:56

All graves come with a section and lair number.
Also do u have a named registration document. Funeral directors would have asked for a copy of this.

Clickncollect · 16/08/2019 20:01

Oh OP, I totally sympathise. Although my situation was not the same, I was embroiled in a dispute over my dad’s headstone due to the company ordering a burial headstone instead of a small cremation headstone and the church accidentally signed the permit. Cue lots of finger pointing and defence by the headstone company and much distress on my part. It did get resolved in the end but took a couple of months.
As far as I’m concerned we pay headstone companies for the headstone, their experience and expertise in this field while grieving. They should be checking and double checking everything is correct, not us ffs!

HeadintheiClouds · 16/08/2019 20:04

You described it in the phone so he knew where it was? Why didn’t you just give him the plot number? I’m amazed he didn’t ask for this??

bobsyourauntie · 16/08/2019 20:06

OP, if you haven't paid already, then clearly you don't pay them until they have done the job properly and put it on the right grave. If you have already paid them, how did you pay? If it is on a credit card, you could dispute the payment until it is fixed properly?

They have provided a terrible service and you need them to take your complaint seriously.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/08/2019 20:09

I'd write mumpkinds letter.

I would ask for the full cost to be reimbursed 5o a charity of your choice (MIND? Or Cancer research or something dear to your Ma?).

So they don't have ANY profit for a gargantuan fuck up like this...

It is really unforgiveable.... Surely people involved know how shit this would be... So need to be absolutely a 100 per cent sure they do it correctly.

KitKat1985 · 16/08/2019 20:09

I'd be livid.

The funeral director should have a 24 hour number. Can you call them and ask that this is rectified as soon as possible?

VictoriaBun · 16/08/2019 20:14

Your mum's plot will have a number so did you quote that ?
If so it's 100% their fault. Also it's awful that someone else has your mums details above them.

maddiemookins16mum · 16/08/2019 20:14

Each grave has a plot number and the graveyard has a plot map etc. Very careless mistake of whoever directed the person erecting the headstone to the wrong grave.

Walnutwhipster · 16/08/2019 20:14

I'd be furious. The stonemason has the plot number from the grave deeds. I know this because I've just dealt with this for my mum. There is absolutely no excuse for mistakes, unless the deeds are wrong.

spiderlight · 16/08/2019 20:16

Oh OP - that is awful and I'm not surprised you're upset. I can sympathise - we've had a seven-month delay in interring my dad's ashes because of the utter, utter incompetence of the people handling the grave plot ownership for the city council. Most of this delay was because they were waiting for permission to make the transfer from someone whom I had told them twice - on the phone and in writing via email - was dead.

You'd think people working in this field would be extra-specially careful to get things right and mindful of the upset they could cause if they don't. I hope yo manage to resolve this swiftly and get an unreserved apology from whomever is responsible.

ParkheadParadise · 16/08/2019 20:20

Most funeral directors would only take a deposit. The balance would be paid after the headstone was erected and you were happy with it.

Sickoffamilydrama · 16/08/2019 20:22

I've been a funeral director. Don't do what Kitkat says the out of hours service is often manned by someone covering a few areas and may not even be someone involved with headstones so nothing will get sorted until Monday.

I understand that these things make grief worse but I would wait to speak to them in my experience grave markers can get knocked over and then accidentally moved they really should have asked for the exact plot number (although some churches records can be terrible).

As for the spelling errors there's a reason they send a proof out so that it's very clear what is going on the headstone and especially name spelling errors don't happen.

LillithsFamiliar · 16/08/2019 20:23

I'm surprised they put up a stone without the relevant paperwork. We've just arranged a stone for a member of our family and the stonemason needed a copy of the lair certificate to ensure they were in the correct place.
There are lots of crosses and empty spots so descriptions don't really work in a cemetery.
I'd double check that they have put it in the wrong place and that the original cross wasn't incorrect. Then, send them copies of the relevant paperwork and tell them you want it resolved by the end of the week, with a written apology and explanation.
I'm sorry for your loss and for the added upset this has caused

BumbleBeee69 · 16/08/2019 20:24

This ACTUALLY happened to my Mother's grave, 8 years ago now.

The wrong stone was placed on her grave, she was known as Frank McNulty for around 7 days. We didn't get angry, we didn't demand any compensation. They apologised profusely and the stone was corrected on day 8. Accidents happen.

We still laugh about Mum being Frank for a week.

SirGawain · 16/08/2019 20:29

I was quoted £1500 for the headstone. I will be going to see them on Monday. WWYD? Ask for a discount?!

No I would not. I would ask them to put it right which, I have no doubt that, if they were are a reputable firm they would do without any hesitation.

Alsohuman · 16/08/2019 20:31

You must be very upset, I would be. If it were me I’d focus on getting it put right as soon as possible.

SirGawain · 16/08/2019 20:33

I have a profesional connection with the funeral business and in my experience they rectify any mistakes promply. They deal with very sensitive matters and tthey would soon be out of business if they did not.

Sickoffamilydrama · 16/08/2019 20:38

@spiderlight I don't know the in and outs of your situation bit if it's any consolation it could be they were being careful. I have been told someone has died and had passed their plot on when they hadn't. Also another one that said the whole family was happy with the ashes being buried in a family plot only for a sibling coming along and object, it get especially complex when more than one person (i.e children of the deceased plot owner) has rights to a grave and no one person has been bequeathed it.

One of the cemeteries I worked with had a period of time where they would write to people and just wait a little while if it wasn't clear cut so that it gave time for these issues to appear.

cakeandchampagne · 16/08/2019 20:42

Like HopeIsNotAStrategy and BumbleBeee69 , maybe someday this won’t hurt as much and will be a bit funny to you.
The rain & wind & getting soaked make the wrong placement even more awful.
Sorry for your loss.

Betty777 · 16/08/2019 20:44

It will be fixed. inform them as soon as possible.

If they are not apologetic and helpful, and fix it very quickly, then you can legitimately ask for a decent discount (30%?)

Keep in mind they may well hire a contractor to set it in place, it could be their error?

Good luck x

TeacupDrama · 16/08/2019 20:45

the gravestone should have the lair number and section on it
something like C72
which would be row C lair 72
the stone should have this number on the side as well as the masons mark
we had some problems not with the erection but with the etched photo of my MIL they tried to photoshop it and ended up with a white halo around her dark hair which looked weird my DH had told them he was happy with image and please don't photoshop it but they did and it looked awful they put it right at their expense though
Don't call till Monday as you won't be speaking to a mason
hopefully you still have a copy of lair certificate

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/08/2019 20:52

First of all, condolences on losing your dear mum

Am I right in thinking you've not paid for this yet? If not you've obviously got leverage, so the first thing I'd want is for it to be put right and only then discuss what you're going to pay

And sorry to mention this, but feedback can easily be bought - in the hundreds if necessary - and often is

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