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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask for a day or two adjustment period with no visitors?

75 replies

M2B19 · 15/08/2019 22:37

Hi. Hubby and I would like a day or two once home to settle and adjust to becoming parents (first child on the way) without any visitors. AIBU? Or is it ok to want this time together, after all, no one has waited longer to meet this child than us...

OP posts:
Avocadodance · 15/08/2019 22:40

YANBU. I wish I'd been more assertive when I had my newborn. I should have been doing skin to skin and getting bfeeding established instead of worrying about bloody visitors.

20viona · 15/08/2019 22:46

I would highly recommend that. If I could go back I'd have the first weeks to ourselves it's just too much. I used to tell people before they came that I had someone else coming soon after so they would scarper quicker lol.

Hawkmoth · 15/08/2019 22:47

Day four was the worst for me. I would wait until after that at the very least.

Sandybval · 15/08/2019 22:48

Yes, just say to people you will let them know when you are ready for visitors and wait to see how you feel. Some of my family came to see us in the hospital (as I asked them to once I had given birth- I hadnt even thought about it before tbh!); and then other family and also friends at different times once we were home. Just see how it goes would be my advice, and see people when you as a new family are ready, of course some people will be keen but don't give in. Similarly you might really want people over quite quickly.

Couchpotato3 · 15/08/2019 22:50

YANBU. You need DH to step up here and manage visitors in the first few weeks. He needs to be prepared to ask people to leave if you or baby are tired or the timing is bad. It's very easy to be bulldozed by well-meaning grandparents/siblings etc. Decide on your limits and get DH to help you keep them eg no more than 15 minutes and no more than one set of visitors a day? You have no idea how you will feel when the time comes, so perhaps be prepared to be flexible, but doing this as a new family team is really important - you are the parents, and you make the rules!

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/08/2019 22:52

YANBU! Have more than 2 days!

RachelEllenR · 15/08/2019 22:55

I'd play it by ear and just tell people you'll let them know when you're ready. I was ready same day with first and 3 days after second. I liked visitors though, they were other people who loved my new babies too and no one overstayed their welcome.

Csleeptime · 15/08/2019 22:56

Yanbu. We had first 3 days without anyone, then my family who are local came for an hour for a coffee and that was it. Was amazing that time with the baby, its so nice and so much bonding time. Then people started coming to stay at 2 weeks and it was very tough, wish I had.nibody staying rule for first 6 weeks.

RachelEllenR · 15/08/2019 22:57

(Oh and my husband didn't need to step up, I was perfectly fine to tell people when visiting was ok and when I'd need to go for a sleep, everyone was respectful and arrived with gifts and food and wine, brilliant!)

NobleRot · 15/08/2019 23:01

I didn’t see anyone for three weeks.

phoenixrosehere · 15/08/2019 23:07

Yanbu.

Nowhere does it say you have to have visitors after having a baby nor should you feel obligated.

After our first time around, husband and I agreed no visitors for two weeks with our second and it was wonderful.

Pinktornado · 15/08/2019 23:08

@Noblerot Ha! I thought I was doing well as only saw my parents after 1 week, and the inlaws after 2 weeks!Grin (They live overseas from us which helped)

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 15/08/2019 23:12

I loved showing my brand new baby off. I had a very easy birth though and a very sleepy baby, so felt absolutely amazing. I think a day or two is fine, if that is what you want/need, I have never understood people doing a week or more though.

KellyHall · 15/08/2019 23:12

You are not being unreasonable and you can never have this time again so don't have anyone over until you're ready.

Everyone will probably understand and even if they don't, it's not about them, it's about you guys and your baby! :)

BridgeFarmKefir · 15/08/2019 23:13

First 5 days I just cried. We kept everyone at bay for a week ( we were lucky, all family were v understanding). I know some people love having family around straight away and all power to them but for me I just wanted to bond with baby and DH and move around incredibly slowly, wearing old jogging bottoms. Oh, and feed constantly.

Do what works for you and your new baby, no one else.

Obsidian77 · 15/08/2019 23:16

YANBU. Take as long as you need. Among other things, your baby's immune system is immature.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/08/2019 23:19

Yanbu. I also which I was more assertive. My baby was easy, it was hosting 'my great aunties twice removed brothers second cousin' etc etc that got utterly tiresome.
I would say though, than my own Dm was an absolute lifesaver at the beginning. She just got on with stuff and was a massive help.

PlutocratCow · 15/08/2019 23:20

Do it but don't set some arbitrary rule... Just say a few days and you'll let them know when you'll be ready nearer the time.

Anyone who pushes back, you can tell them to piss off,not tell them until baby's arrived, or just explain and stand your ground, or a mix of it.

You don't know how the delivery will go. You may have a great feeder with no medical complications... Or, hopefully not, but you may have tearing, stiches, infection to deal with, or baby's health might not be as good as you hope, or you may end up in a crash section! No one can guarantee how it will go. So don't be bullied into feeling like you need to put visitor demands first. Even if it goes well you'll be exhausted, in pain, bleeding, boobs leaking, this isn't the time for chit chats with a Hollywood style silent sleeping baby, if anyone has that notion.

And ffs don't "host" anyone. They can do dishes, laundry etc or go away.

I massively regret my first few weeks in this sense, I didn't put my needs first and visitors ran me ragged when I was in pain and exhausted, infected etc. - I really sabotaged establishing breastfeeding. Most meant well but no one aside from my sister gave me the support I needed to heal and rest, provide support for my tired partner... They just wanted to hold the baby at times my baby needed to sleep or breastfeed!! I ended up crying in the bedroom on an electric pump for one particular visit, I ended up not even seeing the visitors then having to do all the fucking dishes after they left while my partner dealt with a poo explosion... It's a massive regret that I let people bully their way into our first couple of days home. We REALLY needed that bonding and recovery time!!!!

ysmaem · 15/08/2019 23:23

YANBU. 2 days is more than reasonable and I strongly advise it. I remember waking up the day after I came home from hospital with ds1 to a house full of visitors. It was awful! And even worse was when I came home from hospital with my ds2 to a house full of people waiting to see the baby. It was ridiculously insensitive. Be assertive and have that relaxing 2 days.

cookieoclock · 15/08/2019 23:26

I said we’d keep everyone away for a few days, as it was, I was on top of the world after having my dd and wanted to show her off to anyone that would listen. Next time around I’d like a day or two for dd to have a little time to adjust to/ get to know her new sibling.

Puppiesorbabies · 15/08/2019 23:37

I think you've got to do what's right for you, take aslong as you need. You may feel that you want to show your baby off sooner or might want to wait longer. Your certainly not being unreasonable. Especially if it's your first, it's a big change!!
I was quite lucky really, my sister was so unorganised with my baby shower which was afternoon tea that my dd ended up coming before the date it was booked for and we all had afternoon tea at a lovely venue while everyone got to meet dd. Saved lots of visitors coming to the house and was lovely to spend quality time with special people and show off my little beauty Smile

HarrietSchulenberg · 16/08/2019 00:04

I loved having visitors round but then I had lovely visitors; my parents and inlaws all together. They were falling over each other to bring me cups of tea and pass me nappies when needed. We had plenty of time alone when they'd all gone home and, TBH, I felt on top of the world anyway. It was Days 3 and 4 that floored me when my happy hormones vanished.

But you need to do what's right for you and if you don't want visitors then that's your call.

Ariela · 16/08/2019 00:44

Someone I worked with gave me the advice to invite people to turn up at hourly/hour and a half intervals. There's a limit to what they can do especially if your baby is stuck to the boob breastfeeding, so of course visitors No 1 say 'Is there anything I can do to help - so start delegating chores - washing up, hoovering, 'a quick clean of the downstairs loo', haning out washing etc etc. Meanwhile couple No 2 turn up - they can make everyone a cup of tea, and tidy the kitchen, etc. When couple no 3 turn up couple no 1 feel crowded and will leave. Etc. By the end of the day all the chores are done including mowing the lawn, and dinner prepped . Next day or 2 days have a quiet day at home to catch up and bond before picking a day later in the week for the next batch of visitors.

It really does work so long as you don't have friends/relatives who insist on being in your face 100%

CW1976 · 16/08/2019 00:53

It's such an emotional and exciting time. I'm sure family and friends will be eager to see your baby and hopefully to check that you are recovering well. However, it's totally your call as to when you receive visitors. Don't be afraid to assert your wishes at this time. Enjoy your bundle! X

NCpreggo · 16/08/2019 06:32

Our health visitor recommended a week to ourselves, and after that to limit visits to an hour, with 1-2 people max and do not "host" them - they can make tea and wash up etc.

Also ask them to bring food/meal for freezer.

She also said it doesn't do you or the baby any good to be passed around, the baby needs to stay with you really.

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