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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for a day or two adjustment period with no visitors?

75 replies

M2B19 · 15/08/2019 22:37

Hi. Hubby and I would like a day or two once home to settle and adjust to becoming parents (first child on the way) without any visitors. AIBU? Or is it ok to want this time together, after all, no one has waited longer to meet this child than us...

OP posts:

irrumabo · 16/08/2019 16:11

my SIL had her first baby and I dropped round beef casserole for her and BIL, and she said it was the "nicest casserole she'd ever had!" I suspect exhaustion and no proper meals for a few days was mostly the reason though LOL

herculepoirot2 · 16/08/2019 16:20

we just drop food round to people with newborns. After arranging a convenient time, I knock on the door, hand the food over... and leave!

This is very sweet but I really wanted people to want to say hello to my baby!

Original poster

M2B19 · 16/08/2019 16:27

@irrumabo if I send my address can you do that for me

All joking aside, my in laws are very excited which is great and will visit at the hospital however they aren’t the type of people that would visit and even make themselves a cup of tea let alone help out. I’m not expecting anyone to come and do my hoovering or cleaning, but at the very least would like them to find their own way to the kettle and not overstay their welcome, something which I don’t think will happen with my in laws. My own mom is the exact opposite but for the sake of fairness she has also been told the same and understands. If my child decides to do the same with their child in future I will totally understand and support that decision, what harm is a day or two when you have the rest of your lives together?

I am excited for everyone to meet our new bundle but none moreso than my lovely hubby who I can’t wait to see with our baby and for that I just want a day or two

OP posts:

msmith501 · 16/08/2019 16:53

When our first was born, DP guarded / screened all visitors and it was basically not for a week or two. Most understood. Those that didn't only wanted to be seen to be giving crappy presents which we didn't need or want. The first few weeks are special - make them exactly as you want them to be.

Wearywithteens · 16/08/2019 17:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

CW1976 · 16/08/2019 17:13

Op you sound as though you have this all sussed out!

I admire you for putting your and your family's needs first. That is what it is all about.

I only wish I had a more confident sense of self when my lovely two were tiny.

The very best to you X

Original poster

M2B19 · 16/08/2019 17:19

@CW1976 that’s so kind thank you

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 16/08/2019 17:53

I found hospital visitors very difficult with both DC.

If you want your mum/parents earlier than the in laws, that’s not at all U. You’re the one giving birth!

Gladimnotcampinginthisweather · 16/08/2019 18:05

Those that didn't only wanted to be seen giving crappy presents that we didn't need or want.

megletthesecond · 16/08/2019 18:31

Yanbu. In fact I'd give it a week.
You need to recover and you all need to find your feet.

Anotherusefulname · 16/08/2019 18:46

Both of mine, I couldn't wait to show off, we had people at the hospital, round in the first few days it was a wonderful time.
My SIL didn't let anyone visit for three weeks.
Everybody is different, most people in between me and her.

ToTryThisJustOnce · 16/08/2019 18:50

We did 4 weeks! Why lose out on that precious time?

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 17/08/2019 05:53

We did 4 weeks! Why lose out on that precious time?
You don’t lose out on time because others are involved.

Upsiedasie · 17/08/2019 05:59

Yanbu because it’s ultimately your choice.

I find this hiding away with the baby a bit strange though. I have 3 DC, the youngest is under 6 months. One of the best bits for me is sharing our good news and having (close) family round to meet the new baby. Our family were even welcome to the hospital (had CS) and those are really special memories for us.

Everyone is different though, so you need to do things your way.

hazell42 · 17/08/2019 06:43

Having a child is one of the few wholly joyous occasions you will have in your life.
It is an immensely powerful and emotional moment.
You can keep that to yourself if you want to.
Or you can share your joy with your family and friends and let them share theirs with you. I picked the latter. While I respect your right to privacy, I dont understand it.
Not at all.

RachelEllenR · 17/08/2019 07:55

@msmith501 well you sound a total delight! Let's hope you don't expect those same people who wanted to give you crappy gifts to celebrate Christmas or your child's birthday!

We received some amazing presents - thoughtful, practical, fun.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 17/08/2019 08:20

Day 3 is the most tiring day! Maybe have parents on day 1/day2. Everyone else Waits 4 days at least x

Gladimnotcampinginthisweather · 17/08/2019 09:03

Agreed RachelEllenR I kept a list of the presents received by all my children when they were born and was very touched that people cared.

Pikapikachooo · 17/08/2019 09:08

Define visit
Huge difference between your parents popping for a cuppa and a cuddle to a visit of 27 distant family members

I was happy to see my parents and they didn’t stay long , ditto for sibling and best friends

I see no harm in fast visits from close friends and family personally

In fact they cheered me up after a traumatic birth

Then for a next circle yes wait a while definitely

Abraid2 · 17/08/2019 09:10

I liked having people pop in and they were helpful.

bruffin · 17/08/2019 09:20

I came home from hospital with my ds2 to a house full of people waiting to see the baby. It was ridiculously insensitive
Not necessarily so, I cam home after spending 7 weeks in hospital 4 days after birth to a houseful waiting for me, it was lovely!

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 17/08/2019 09:37

visitors No 1 say 'Is there anything I can do to help - so start delegating chores - washing up, hoovering, 'a quick clean of the downstairs loo', haning out washing etc etc. Meanwhile couple No 2 turn up - they can make everyone a cup of tea, and tidy the kitchen, etc. When couple no 3 turn up couple no 1 feel crowded and will leave. Etc. By the end of the day all the chores are done including mowing the lawn, and dinner prepped wtf 😂 I would never treat my friends and family this way! Having people tidy my house and cooking in my kitchen would be more stressful than doing it myself!

The OP mentions a partner so I'm sure he's capable of doing household chores. Why would anyone assume the house would grind to a halt because the woman wasn't able to do it?! Myself and my partner have a child each and are due one together any day, we split household tasks as we both work full time. We'll be splitting parental leave too. If this baby breastfeeds as much as my first did then my partner will do more of the chores naturally anyway. We would never expect people who didn't live here to do so.

I can just imagine my mum's/sisters/mils faces if they were asked to tidy our house whilst my perfectly capable partner sat on his arse 😂

OP don't give a time, you may be ready sooner or it may be later. When you or your partner let people know they baby's born just add "we can't wait for you to meet him/her and will let you know when's a good time".

CluelessNewMama · 17/08/2019 09:48

No YANBU. I really wish I had been more assertive about visitors. Our first visitors (DH’s parents and sister) arrived at the hospital before my spinal block had even properly worn off. After the first 6 weeks of not having a single day without visitors I felt like I was going to have a breakdown and had to demand a weekend without anyone. I’d say be clear upfront about what you want so you don’t have to have awkward conversations when you are trying to recover. You can always change your mind if you then decide you want to show baby off sooner.

NavyBerry · 17/08/2019 09:51

I wish I'd been more assertive when I had my newborn. I should have been doing skin to skin and getting bfeeding established instead of worrying about bloody visitors.

This! Oh I wish I had been left alone with my baby!

PlutocratCow · 17/08/2019 15:39

I should have been doing skin to skin and getting bfeeding established instead of worrying about bloody visitors.

Fucking amen to this.
I was so stressed trying to accommodate visitors who just made more work, didn't help, moved stuff to sit down (e.g. my pillow to help make sitting more comfortable while recovering!!)... I should have told them all to piss off and come back when it wouldn't sabotage breastfeeding and bonding. Really wish I had better memories of that time - certain relatives went from being perfectly polite and enjoying the odd visit to being insensitive cunts in the space of 1 visit. I mean, who stays for 6hrs on day 3 out of the hospital?!?!
In the end I just went into the bedroom in tears to breastfeed (latching issues) because I was sick of trying to cover up in front of people and I just couldn't get any privacy, space or room to concentrate.
I told DH he'd have to tell them to leave.

And I was the one accused of being unfriendly?! I get the fucking red mist thinking about it still...

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