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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for a day or two adjustment period with no visitors?

75 replies

M2B19 · 15/08/2019 22:37

Hi. Hubby and I would like a day or two once home to settle and adjust to becoming parents (first child on the way) without any visitors. AIBU? Or is it ok to want this time together, after all, no one has waited longer to meet this child than us...

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 16/08/2019 07:14

According to the Active Birth Movement, the babymoon is very important, and cocooning yourself in this way s good for everyone's well being.

Don't announce you're doing it. The correct line for now is 'yes we'd love to see you, but we'll have to wait to see how everything goes. Of course I'll let you know when we're up to visitors'. And then DH turns away at the door anyone who thinks that does not apply to them with a form 'not possible right now, sorry you've had a wasted journey'.

It may be easier to have key close family visit in hospital/birth centre (if that is where you give birth) as then first peep is done before you get home in circs where people really shouldn't expect more than a brief coo

Original poster
M2B19 · 16/08/2019 08:16

Thanks everyone for your reply. We’ve said visitors at the hospital are absolutely fine and if we change our mind on visitors at home then we’ll let everyone know at the time. We’ve had to let people know in advance otherwise we’d have people parked on the drive waiting for us to get home (namely MIL).

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 16/08/2019 08:20

so start delegating chores - washing up, hoovering, 'a quick clean of the downstairs loo', haning out washing etc etc.

MN is the craziest place I have ever woken up in. Imagine visiting someone to greet their new baby and being handed a pile of washing or a toilet brush. 😂 Seriously, do people really do this?

Celebelly · 16/08/2019 08:27

I didn't need to hand anyone anything as the visitors we had didn't wait to be asked. By the time we got home from hospital, my parents, who had been staying to look after the dog, had cleaned the whole house, made us dinners for the next week, and done a shop for us. I'm six months PP now and they still bring food and take the dog out every time they come visit as well as do the garden Grin

OP, I think it also depends a lot on what your visitors are like. My family would never expect to sit around and be made cups of tea and waited on - they come in and head straight in to make tea for us all, ask what they can do to help, etc. But some visitors take the piss a bit and enjoy 'being a guest' and expect to be waited on, so in those people's cases I would keep them away as long as feasible.

Gladimnotcampinginthisweather · 16/08/2019 08:36

Ii know someone who has appointed a social secretary, and all requests for visits must go through him. Not sure how long they plan to continue with that. They have also asked people to lend a hand on visits, so I strongly suspect that includes loading the washing machine and hoovering the floor. The couple are from big families so I suppose it makes sense.

Grimbles · 16/08/2019 08:40

YANBU. DD had trouble latching. Because so many people were turning up I couldn't take the time to get her on the boob properly and BFing failed.

I wish I had said no to visitors for a few days.

yikesanotherbooboo · 16/08/2019 08:40

My DC were born a long time ago when partners weren't given time off work so I was grateful to see my mother for reassurance. I wouldn't make hard and fast rules just do as pp say and inform potential visitors that you will let them know.i think it is reasonable for immediate family to visit , they can be helpful and will be concerned about you and the baby. More distant friends and relatives you can keep at bay until you are ready. One tends to be permanently occupied with a newborn so visitors who require entertaining or who might outstay their welcome could certainly be deferred until you are properly up and around.

DadCanIHaveAZedgie · 16/08/2019 08:49

See how you feel, I was desperate to show DS off.

We were out and about when he was three days old because I wanted to show him off to all my church ladies.

But if course yanbu, do what suits you.

PlutocratCow · 16/08/2019 11:41

My visitors weren't the hand on type... 7 days post partum, Didn't even take mugs into the kitchen to the sink! I really envy people with sensitive families!

I wish I'd turned them away because they're not here to visit or help weeks later now I'm not bleeding, learning bf, etc and our sleep has improved...

I was basically bullied into visitors at the most vulnerable time, DH gets upset about it when I mentioned it, because he knows he wasn't enough of a shield (yet was run ragged "hosting" relatives who threw tantrums about us being fair to both sides of the family Angry)!!

lmusic87 · 16/08/2019 11:43

Yes, make sure its your call!

whattodowith · 16/08/2019 11:43

YANBU, brilliant idea. I stayed upstairs and let DH deal with visitors. I had a CS and just did not want to face anyone at all.

purplereindeer · 16/08/2019 11:49

My rule has been no visitors that I'm not happy seeing in my pyjamas, until I'm back to getting dressed every day!

When that is has varied with each birth (I've had 4DC). It depends so much on how feeding is going, on your recovery and if baby gets jaundice or has any other challenges.

stucknoue · 16/08/2019 11:53

It's not unreasonable but be aware how excited family members are and that if they are helpful it can make it easier for you

chocolatemademefat · 16/08/2019 11:58

Maybe wait until the child is at least six months. What a lot of entitled nonsense being spouted today. This is a new thing - I have to wonder how my children and me survived when things were normal. Babymoon 🤢

PhDone · 16/08/2019 12:18

MN is the craziest place I have ever woken up in. Imagine visiting someone to greet their new baby and being handed a pile of washing or a toilet brush. 😂 Seriously, do people really do this?

I was thinking this!! I'd be gobsmacked if I politely said "can I do anything" and got asked to clean the toilet!

The only new mum/baby I've visited was about 5-7 days old, and I went for 40 mins, gave a gift, chatted, drunk a cup of tea (which I made myself), held the baby for 5 mins, dropped off a lasagne and then left!

CalamityJune · 16/08/2019 12:27

Unless there is already a poor relationship, I never understand what is so awful about having your immediate family, particularly your parents round to see their new grandchild for half an hour.

When your precious baby has a baby of their own one day, I wonder if you will be so happy to be treated like an inconvenience when all you want to do is offer love and support?

My advice would be to think of the big picture; your child's whole life and their place in your extended family. So many people have no network whatsoever.

CW1976 · 16/08/2019 12:55

Calamity June...

It really depends what your family is like.

It's OK to say you don't see the harm. But what if a new Mum's parents or in-laws spike terrible anxiety in her?

New mums should be supported by those she is completely relaxed with. Sadly that is not always the baby's grandparents.

herculepoirot2 · 16/08/2019 13:06

The only new mum/baby I've visited was about 5-7 days old, and I went for 40 mins, gave a gift, chatted, drunk a cup of tea (which I made myself), held the baby for 5 mins, dropped off a lasagne and then left!

Probably what 95% of people do. Except for the lasagne, which was really kind.

I think some people have the attitude that they, rather than the guest, are doing the ‘favour’, which is just wrong. Guests coming to see my new baby because they want to congratulate my family and welcome them into the world aren’t my skivvies to be given a schedule of cleaning tasks. Obviously they should be considerate and not outstay their welcome or expect waitress service.

CalamityJune · 16/08/2019 13:18

@CW1976 i did caveat my point by saying "unless there is already a poor relationship".

LouH1981 · 16/08/2019 15:53

You are definitely not being unreasonable. If you are on Instagram, there is a lovely lady called StephDontBugHerFlowers who has written a fantastic piece on her blog called Pulling Up the Drawbridge. It explains all the reasons why you definitely should not have many (if any) visitors.
That first bit of time is very precious for you as a new family xxx

LouH1981 · 16/08/2019 15:54

DontBuyHerFlowers not Bug(!) xx

Marinetta · 16/08/2019 15:58

I had a 10 day period with no visitors whatsoever and then the first month I only allowed close family to come and visit. You're absolutely right that you need time to adjust and you'll be exhaused and not really up to entertaining at the beginning.

LouH1981 · 16/08/2019 16:00

I remember my BIL and SIL asking to come round a few days after I came out of hospital. They wanted to come round at 10am. DS was struggling to feed and had reflux, I’d had a CS and we’d had about 3 hours sleep that night.
Hubby said not right time. Cue lecture from MIL about how ‘disappointed’ they were. FFS 🙄
I’m 25 weeks now and I will do exactly the same if I need to xx

tisonlymeagain · 16/08/2019 16:04

I've told DP that I want no visitors in hospital and he said we'll struggle to keep his parents away. They're lovely people but if they turn up after I've asked them not to, they're going to get short shrift. Ideally, like you OP, I'd like a few days! Especially as we have other children between us (blended family) I'd actually like the children to adjust first too. YANBU!

irrumabo · 16/08/2019 16:09

we just drop food round to people with newborns. After arranging a convenient time, I knock on the door, hand the food over... and leave!

All food is either hot and ready to eat, or in microwaveable containers with disposable plates/cutlery etc