In need of a hand hold please? **potentially distressing content**

[NaviSprite]

Posting here for traffic as I am in desperate need so please be gentle. This post relates to the loss of my son due to still birth so it may be a trigger to those who have suffered through the loss of a child. I just wanted to add that as a warning as it is such a raw subject.

I lost my son Christopher to stillbirth in April of this year and have posted about his loss in recent months.

Tomorrow morning I have the review meeting at the hospital he was delivered in to discuss the results of tests taken to try and identify the cause of his passing in womb at 42 weeks... it’s just hitting me how absolutely terrified I am about this meeting.

I already blame myself for everything/anything I could have done better during my pregnancy with him, but I’m doing my best to cope because I have two surviving children, his older brother and sister who are toddlers (twins) and they need me to keep it together.

My main fear is that something will be said that will make me blame myself even more, I have no clear idea of what this could be, but I don’t think I could take it if blame were to be laid at my feet. It sounds so selfish, I should want to know whatever they may have to tell me, but I’m just so scared I can’t stop shaking. I think it’s partly the fact I will have to revisit the hospital where I found out he was lost to us and partly fear of the unknown of this meeting. I have been on the SANDs forum for a few months and am still receiving counselling, but nobody outside of the medical review team knows the outcome of the medical investigation and as time passes the weight in my stomach is getting worse. I don’t know if any kind people here have had this situation or if they would even be up to sharing how the meeting felt for them? Or just words of support for a heartbroken mum who is just trying her best to keep it together? Thank you to anybody who may respond as this is not an easy subject matter and not to everybodies comfort to read let alone respond to.

Sadly my closest family have a ‘sweep it under the rug’ mentality and just want to see me “back to normal” and my DH is so raw about the loss of Christopher that oftentimes he can’t bear to speak about him without dissolving into tears. I have nobody else to ask in this moment for a hand hold and so turn to MN (though I’m sure it will meet with disapproval from some) and thank you lovely people who have read through my rambling x

I'm here op. Happened to us in 2006 but no real answers. Just didn't want to read & run

I am so sorry x
These meetings are really hard, and, while it's totally understandable that you blame yourself, it really won't be anything that you have done at all, but as a fellow bereaved Mum, I have carried the same guilt for years.
Just going back to the hospital is a huge thing in itself, nevermind the meeting itself.
Try to be kind to yourself, you will get through this incredibly impossibly tough time.

I have no words of advice but just wanted to send my love. Good luck tomorrow

I don't have the experience, so can only offer a gentle hug and a handhold lass.

I hope the meeting goes as well as it possibly can.

Thank you @Kateshairenvy the likelihood is that the examinations were inconclusive. I think my grief and also my anxiety is just eating away at my ability to think rationally. I’m so sorry for your loss

I’m
So sorry to hear about Christopher. I haven’t had one of these meetings, mine were early losses but a friend did and she said afterwards that she felt like a weight had been lifted. She also commented that the people there were sympathetic but not gushing and she thought it was reassuringly factual/medical.

Good luck, I shall be thinking of you and your family

It is so easy to blame yourself. You know logically that nothing the doctor’s report will have been your fault, but that doesn’t mean your brain won’t twist it around. My daughter’s therapist has a sign that says “don’t always believe what you think”. I know from experience of dealing with my own issues that the brain can lie. Please remember that.

Thank you - you too.
Cards on the table - I don't think the grief or guilt get any easier, but you do get used to it.
I'm sure it won't be as bad as you fear, and it may help you to take the first step on the way to your new normal.

Sorry I am typing quickly

But I have been where you are.
The night before finding out the results of the bloods, genetic testing to find the cause of our stillbirth was terrifying. I remember shaking in the waiting room.

This is hit your fault. You did nothing wrong. You will be ok tomorrow I promise you.

I felt soooo much better after our review, like a weight had been lifted.

I’m sorry I can’t type much more.

Argh THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT obviously!!

I'm so sorry you lost your Christopher. Life can be very cruel sometimes. I doubt very much you will hear anything tomorrow that will make you blame yourself more than you do. And regardless of the outcome, in time you will be able to logically accept it wasn't your fault, even if the guilt never leaves you. It will be a struggle tomorrow, but take time to close your eyes and feel close to him as much as possible. I don't know if you ever get back to normal, the heartbreak will always lie within reach but you will find your way to a new normal where it becomes more bearable. No one must rush you in to this though, you have to make your own way there. I wish you all the best for tomorrow. You already lived the worst. You can make it through this bit as well.

I hope your meeting tomorrow reassures that this wasn't your fault, and there wasn't anything you could have done differently. So sorry for your loss 💐

Not the same situation as not a stillbirth but my lost my wee boy at 8 weeks old due to cot death. Had a meeting with the pathologist 3 months later and felt the same as you. Scared they would say it was my fault or that I'd done something wrong. In the end we came out feeling no further forward. It was hard but I think it's something we needed to do.
I'm sorry you and others on this thread have had to deal with this heartbreak. You do learn to live with it but you're never the same.
Big hugs xxx

I remember your earlier threads Navi, and hearing about your heartbreaking loss of lovely Christopher.

I don’t have similar experience to share, but wanted to say that I really feel for you. Tomorrow will be tough. I really hope the medical staff are kind and sensitive to you, and your husband.

Feeling guilt is a normal part of the grieving process, as I’m sure you know. Added to that are all the 1001 bits of ‘advice’ we get drummed into us when pregnant, and no wonder you are thinking about whether you are in some way to blame. We are conditioned to feel guilty, and in some ways having a reason, however awful, can seem less scary than it being sheer random bad luck. You sound like a lovely mum, and i’m sure it was nothing you did. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

RainbowMum11 and RogueV thank you for sharing and I’m sorry for your loss and that there are so many of us. I don’t think anything could ever assuage my guilt - it’s part of being a Mum right? I asked the hospital if my DH could go without me (he offered as he’s worried about what effect the meeting may have on me too) and they said it’s better for us both to be there. Cue massive anxiety fuelled paranoia when logically I know it IS better for us both to be there. I’m sure they explained (the Doctor) what the tests were that they’d carry out and how and what they would look for etc. But I can’t remember anything really outside of spending the bit of time I could with Christopher.

Purpleartichoke don’t always believe what you think that is a very good bit of advice thank you, as I do find myself falling victim to my mind more after losing him.

Thank you everyone else also for support and I wish I had people like you IRL x

Hi OP so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy.

A perspective from the other side, I have never been in meeting where the death of a child can be attributed to the mother/parent.

There will be lots of facts and possibly best logical reason.

Think of the questions you want to ask and write them down, the meeting will be a blur and you will get side tracked with what the professionals are saying. It's easy to forget what you want to know until you get out of there.

Do not worry about time and keeping them from other patients/work. These meetings are not given an allocated time, you will get as long as you need to ask everything you need to.

Do not worry about asking for an explanation for anything you don't understand; honestly they will be happy to repeat and explain everything needed.

Write down what they say if you need to so you can read back later (or ask someone to so you can listen properly)

Sending the most heartfelt handhold for you . You will be amazing because you're Christopher's mummy and what's what you do x

@pinkelephantsanddietcoke I’m so grateful for you sharing your story and so sorry that you went through such a loss. Thank you, truly, for sharing your experience with me it’s helping to know my fear isn’t purely selfish and big virtual hugs to you too xx

@NaviSprite It is best for you both to be there. It's difficult to take everything in and with both of you there it's more likely that between you you'll take in more. And it means there can be nothing lost in translation which would possibly happen when your DH relayed info to you afterwards. When the way you are currently feeling changes a bit, you will feel glad you were able to go for Christopher.

I will do that WeakAsIAm - I think I often prepare before most encounters from a visit from family to any kind of formal situation - I’ve always been an over-planner but for this situation I’ve just been blank since we had his funeral service. I don’t want the fear of what I might hear to override what I want to know (if they indeed have any real answers to give) so I will try to put something together - I know one thing I’d like to ask is the names of the lovely midwives who cared for me during labour and in the few days I spent in hospital as they were all such lovely people. It’s not related to the outcome but I want to make sure I remember those who helped me through the hardest point in my life so it’s a good starting point in my mind I think? Thank you

@AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen I will keep that in mind, thank you. I wouldn’t want DH to be there alone as it’s not fair to him and as you say it’s for Christopher that I should go. I managed to dress him for his funeral and lay him to rest in the Earth, so I CAN do this. I wouldn’t want to live the rest of my life wondering if DH chose to omit information out of fear that it could upset me.

Of course your fear is not selfish x
I am 10 years on (hard to believe) and I still feel guilt. I've learned to accept that I always will.
Please remember that this has literally just happened to you and it's all so very new and raw. Be kind to yourself xx

I've been in a similar position to you. I lost a little boy late in pregnancy almost nine years ago. I felt so anxious going back to the hospital where he was delivered to find out the results of his post mortem. I felt so incredibly guilty that I had done something wrong and I would be told that it had been my fault that he didn't survive. It turned out that he had a chromosomal abnormality and nothing I did or didn't do caused his death. I hadn't realised how feeling so guilty had made my grieving even worse. After the meeting I felt so reassured that I wasn't to blame and I actually felt ready to begin to move on. Don't get me wrong - I still missed my little boy terribly but not feeling guilty all the time was a massive relief.

I hope you will get some comfort from the meeting tomorrow. You have absolutely no need to feel guilty - there is nothing you did to harm your baby. Little Christopher sounds like he was so loved and so wanted and please try not to feel guilty about what happened to him. The very best of luck at the meeting and I hope that you will be feeling much better this time tomorrow.

Big hugs to you and RIP to little baby Christopher.

So sorry to read this op. I have no direct experience but I really hope it goes as well as it possibly could tomorrow. You did not cause this; it was a dreadful thing to happen. Good luck

I'm so sorry for your loss @NaviSprite I'm sure your beautiful son is watching over your family and keeping you strong.
I hope you manage to get some answers tomorrow that will help pave the way for you to grieve properly xx