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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In need of a hand hold please? **potentially distressing content**

60 replies

NaviSprite · 15/08/2019 22:32

Posting here for traffic as I am in desperate need so please be gentle. This post relates to the loss of my son due to still birth so it may be a trigger to those who have suffered through the loss of a child. I just wanted to add that as a warning as it is such a raw subject.

I lost my son Christopher to stillbirth in April of this year and have posted about his loss in recent months.

Tomorrow morning I have the review meeting at the hospital he was delivered in to discuss the results of tests taken to try and identify the cause of his passing in womb at 42 weeks... it’s just hitting me how absolutely terrified I am about this meeting.

I already blame myself for everything/anything I could have done better during my pregnancy with him, but I’m doing my best to cope because I have two surviving children, his older brother and sister who are toddlers (twins) and they need me to keep it together.

My main fear is that something will be said that will make me blame myself even more, I have no clear idea of what this could be, but I don’t think I could take it if blame were to be laid at my feet. It sounds so selfish, I should want to know whatever they may have to tell me, but I’m just so scared I can’t stop shaking. I think it’s partly the fact I will have to revisit the hospital where I found out he was lost to us and partly fear of the unknown of this meeting. I have been on the SANDs forum for a few months and am still receiving counselling, but nobody outside of the medical review team knows the outcome of the medical investigation and as time passes the weight in my stomach is getting worse. I don’t know if any kind people here have had this situation or if they would even be up to sharing how the meeting felt for them? Or just words of support for a heartbroken mum who is just trying her best to keep it together? Thank you to anybody who may respond as this is not an easy subject matter and not to everybodies comfort to read let alone respond to.

Sadly my closest family have a ‘sweep it under the rug’ mentality and just want to see me “back to normal” and my DH is so raw about the loss of Christopher that oftentimes he can’t bear to speak about him without dissolving into tears. I have nobody else to ask in this moment for a hand hold and so turn to MN (though I’m sure it will meet with disapproval from some) and thank you lovely people who have read through my rambling x

OP posts:
Bertieandernie · 15/08/2019 23:18

❤️

KnifeAngel · 15/08/2019 23:20

This is not your fault OP. May Christopher rest in peace. Flowers

GibbonLover · 15/08/2019 23:26

I have no constructive advice to offer, I just wanted to say I will be thinking of you and that you chose such a lovely name for your little boy. One thing I'm certain of, this will not be your fault, not at all. It's completely natural to look for blame when the unthinkable happens, it helps us to make sense of things, even if that means blaming ourselves. Some things are simply beyond our influence though. Wishing you and DH every strength for tomorrow and beyond.

Fluffytheevil1 · 15/08/2019 23:31

So sorry for the loss of your boy
I hope you get some answers that can set your mind at ease. I’ve never lost a child myself so I can’t imagine the pain but you didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and it’s shit and wrong but we never know why xx

Goingonagondola · 15/08/2019 23:33

I'm so so sorry, OP.

I hope tomorrow brings you some information and some sort of peace.

Annasgirl · 15/08/2019 23:35

Oh dear Navi, this happened to two family members of mine.

It is still raw for you, and it will stay in your heart forever. You may get support by linking up with some people who have been through the same. There is an organisation for this in Ireland where I live - I am sure there is some one in the UK (it is run by volunteers). In Ireland it is "A little lifetime" and in the UK there is an organisation called Sands.

Your baby Christopher was a treasure to you and will be always. I hope you gain the strength to go tomorrow and hear the report. I don't believe they ever find causes in most of these cases, although some children have a genetic cause - but like anything caused by genetics, it is still a lottery as to how and if it shows up in a child. Please be kind to yourself, and to your DH. Is there anyone in real life you could link up with who has been through this? My dear sis went through it and now supports others - if you need to link up you could PM me and I will send you her details.

I will say a little prayer for you tonight (you may not be a believer, but I will pray for strength for you).

bambalaya · 15/08/2019 23:39

I'm hand holding. I know that it is probably unavoidable that you feel guilty, even though you have done nothing wrong. This is a child who you love and grieve for. I can only hope that time and counselling give you some comfort. I am so sorry for your loss x

Original poster
NaviSprite · 15/08/2019 23:43

Thank you all so much, I have stopped shaking now but the trepidation is persisting, but I guess that's my minds way of trying to protect itself. I am trying to rally myself with the same mantra I used when I visited Christopher at the funeral home and dressed him "strength now, tears later" not exactly profound but maybe if I repeat it enough it will help me get through tomorrow morning.

My counsellor did mention that the reason they request the mother be present is for advice and information on potential future pregnancies and what they can/will do should we choose to ttc again in future. I hope that they will understand when I say that - at this time - we cannot foresee ttc again. We are so lucky to have our twins who had a very tough start in life, but are thriving now and continue to amaze us every day - we will stop at three. Two surviving and one who is with us in spirit forevermore. I don't think DH could bear to hear the information on trying again so I might try to nip that one in the bud early, for his sake, as one of the first things a well-meaning but daft colleague said to him when he returned to work was "you can always try again".

OP posts:
Original poster
NaviSprite · 15/08/2019 23:44

One of the reasons I meant to say, not the only reason D:

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 15/08/2019 23:54

Oh, you poor, poor thing. I am so sorry to hear that your baby, Christopher, died. Flowers

I can't imagine what a painful experience this must be. And how difficult it must be to have to pull yourself together everyday to care for your twins.

I also think your reaction to this meeting is completely natural. However I don't think for a moment blame will be directed towards you.

I hope you have someone coming to support you and I really hope the meeting is in some way helpful for your grieving process. Sending best wishes and gentle hugs to you.

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 16/08/2019 00:00

I have no experience with this.

But you are in my thoughts for tomorrow.
Your family should talk openly with you. Yes it is upsetting, but if you like to talk about Christopher, you should do so.

My SIL lost her little girl to serve spina bifida, and we talk about her by name and often discuss the milestones it would be today. I think it helps her as she often days she sometimes feels as if she never existed now and she gets so down about that aspect of it.

I'm offering a handheld with not much advice, I'm sorry for your loss, I hope the outcome of tomorrow helps you settle and forgive yourself. Its noone fault OP. Flowers

TootingLate · 16/08/2019 00:01

Sorry for your loss. I hope tomorrow goes well and I'm sure staff will be sensitive . Flowers

BuddysMama · 16/08/2019 00:18

Bless you!! Sending you so much love and strength for your meeting tomorrow, hopefully it will bring you some sort of comfort!! You're so strong Flowers it's so much easier said than done, but don't blame yourself, this wasn't your fault! You'll have all of us behind you as you walk into that room tomorrow ❤️

lurklemurkle · 16/08/2019 01:14

Sending you strength.

If it would lessen your trepidation, perhaps you could write down some of the points you've made here and ask if you can share them at the start - particularly that you would prefer it if they didn't refer to potential future pregnancies?

BelgianWhistles · 16/08/2019 01:19

Thinking of you OP. I remember you posting about Christopher before. I have no advice but I hope the meeting goes as well as it can, and I’ll be thinking of you, your family and Christopher Flowers

user1473878824 · 16/08/2019 01:34

@NaviSprite I’m another one of no experience of this but I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry for the loss of Christopher. None of it will have been your fault. At all. I’m sending you and your DH so much love. I’m so sorry xx

Candymay · 16/08/2019 02:10

I have not experienced what you have been through but I want to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your dear son Christopher. I will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow.

I’m sure that the awful pain will subside in time but that you will never really be the same. I have learned that grief doesn’t really go away but hopefully it becomes something you learn to live with.

I hope that tomorrow brings you some answers but by reading the comments here it seems that often there is no definitive answer. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight and that you are able to ask all the questions you need to.

@WeakAsIAm- such lovely and kind words. And such great advice for anyone going through something like this.

OrangeSlices998 · 16/08/2019 06:04

Didn’t want to read and run. Sending you much love and strength for tomorrow, I can imagine how challenging it will feel in the moment you have to walk into the hospital. You are strong and can do this, for your beautiful baby boy. Xxxxx

TequilaMockingbird0 · 16/08/2019 06:14

So sorry for the loss of your little boy. Thinking of you today, I hope the meeting brings you comfort and helps in allowing you to let go of some of the guilt you've been carrying Thanks

Kateshairenvy · 16/08/2019 09:03

@NaviSprite thinking of you today and sending you strength Thanks

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/08/2019 09:18

Sorry for your loss. Christopher will always be part of your lives.

Sending you strength for today. Flowers

Beelee · 16/08/2019 09:24
Flowers
OwlinaTree · 16/08/2019 10:01

Thinking of you OP.

I lost my first child in 2012. It was a complicated birth and she lived for 3 days. She was so beautiful but was severely affected by lack of oxygen during the birth, and couldn't survive.

It was the most horrendous time. I remember the terrible feelings of guilt during her short life, when grieving, then the meetings and post mortem. I felt as her mum I should have known something was wrong with her. I know now that it wasn't my fault or anyone's fault. She was weakened by infection and the cord was tightly around her neck.

The hospital investigation appeared to be thorough, and this was shared with us at the meeting you are having today. The consultant answered all our questions as well as possible. I wrote down some of the things I wanted to ask as I knew I would be emotional and forget. We also asked about what steps the hospital were considering putting in place to try to prevent similar happening again, and the consultant answered this. Her answer lined up with what was said at the inquest so I do feel they were honest.

We wanted to try again, so we wanted to discuss a plan going forward. If you are not ready for this, I'm sure it can be discussed with you at a further point in time. Fwiw, the consultant felt there was no reason I couldn't have more children, and when I did get pregnant again my pregnancies and births were very closely monitored.

The feelings of loss don't go away, but they do get easier to manage. I still think about my little girl, but it's not so painful now. It takes a long time to heal, please give yourself as long as you need. I will be thinking of you and Christopher, and my little girl today. Flowers

Wherearemycrayons · 16/08/2019 10:06

Hope it goes ok for you today OP, stay strong and know that none of this was your fault, absolutely none of it Flowers

bilbodog · 16/08/2019 10:59

Best wishes for today and thinking of you