In need of a hand hold please? **potentially distressing content**

[NaviSprite]

Posting here for traffic as I am in desperate need so please be gentle. This post relates to the loss of my son due to still birth so it may be a trigger to those who have suffered through the loss of a child. I just wanted to add that as a warning as it is such a raw subject.

I lost my son Christopher to stillbirth in April of this year and have posted about his loss in recent months.

Tomorrow morning I have the review meeting at the hospital he was delivered in to discuss the results of tests taken to try and identify the cause of his passing in womb at 42 weeks... it’s just hitting me how absolutely terrified I am about this meeting.

I already blame myself for everything/anything I could have done better during my pregnancy with him, but I’m doing my best to cope because I have two surviving children, his older brother and sister who are toddlers (twins) and they need me to keep it together.

My main fear is that something will be said that will make me blame myself even more, I have no clear idea of what this could be, but I don’t think I could take it if blame were to be laid at my feet. It sounds so selfish, I should want to know whatever they may have to tell me, but I’m just so scared I can’t stop shaking. I think it’s partly the fact I will have to revisit the hospital where I found out he was lost to us and partly fear of the unknown of this meeting. I have been on the SANDs forum for a few months and am still receiving counselling, but nobody outside of the medical review team knows the outcome of the medical investigation and as time passes the weight in my stomach is getting worse. I don’t know if any kind people here have had this situation or if they would even be up to sharing how the meeting felt for them? Or just words of support for a heartbroken mum who is just trying her best to keep it together? Thank you to anybody who may respond as this is not an easy subject matter and not to everybodies comfort to read let alone respond to.

Sadly my closest family have a ‘sweep it under the rug’ mentality and just want to see me “back to normal” and my DH is so raw about the loss of Christopher that oftentimes he can’t bear to speak about him without dissolving into tears. I have nobody else to ask in this moment for a hand hold and so turn to MN (though I’m sure it will meet with disapproval from some) and thank you lovely people who have read through my rambling x

Hi OP

I'm so sorry about Christopher.

If course you're dreading tomorrow. Remember the doctors will know this and be used to it, they will know how desperately you want answers and how hard it will be to take in.

I am absolutely sure it wasn't your fault.

My best friend went through the same thing. She didn't get any answers really but it did give the whole process some closure and it did give her some hope, when they said because there was nothing obvious wrong, there was nothing to stop her trying again (which she did and they were right)

Good luck today, you will have the support of everyone on here

My thoughts are with you today. I hope you get some answers today even if it's reassurance that it was not your fault. My daughter was stillborn in January, we knew her cause if death as she was already diagnosed with a heart condition but I was still worried about what they might say. I was really nervous but I did find the appointment useful to go over what happened and talk about her. We were both asked questions about how we were since her death and I was asked questions about my healing etc so you being asked to be there is not a bad thing. Yes they will talk about future pregnancies and it may be useful to have an idea about care plans for if you do decide to TTC in the future. Virtual hand hold

It isn't something I have any background of but I can't imagine what you and your DH are going through, I hope it goes as well as it can for you today and they're able to provide you with some answers

Thank you all so much. I have just gotten home and I don’t know how I feel right now. It wasn’t the full inquest results we received today, more of an update on what they think is the most likely cause with the information they do have. They said the placenta was small and so probably couldn’t function to the capacity Christopher needed as he got bigger. They told me after my first scan that I was classed as high risk with his pregnancy (after my twins were born prematurely and very low birth weight), the doctor today said there was nothing in my notes about it being high risk, so I’m a little perplexed.

Also when my DH asked to see the report he noticed on a number of occasions that my information had been allocated to the wrong patient, leading to scan appointments and follow up calls never being made with me that could have identified issues before we lost him. Also noted that home visits had been attempted when we both know I was home all day (after all its difficult enough to get out with twin toddlers at the best of times, let alone when heavily pregnant.) and there were no attempted visits :/

I don’t really know what to do with this information, I wasn’t thinking clearly as the room we met in was the exact same room I was in when told I had lost Christopher and I had to walk through the ultrasound department full of pregnant women to get there.

I feel some sense of relief that I went - it lifted a little of my guilt to know that there was no sign of infection or anything I could have directly affected that played a part in our loss, but now I’m waiting for the full report to come back and sort of feel like I’m still in limbo

I'm sorry that there is still lots of questions about what happened and your care. I also think it's awful that they did the meeting where they did. Mine was on the same floor as maternity but I didn't have to walk through it. Do you know when you will get the full results?

Just read your thread @NaviSprite you’ve been really strong and faced an emotional and intimidating meeting so be kind to yourself and take all the time you need to think through what you’ve heard.

I have not been through the same but I have had assistance through PALS after a botch procedure on myself and the were so helpful.
In time you may want to contact them, even if it means you feedback to the hospital that holding a meeting like that on a different department xxx

Well done for going OP, it was really brave

I’ve never had this experience but for what it’s worth I don’t think anyone who doesn’t intentionally go against basic advice (drugs, drinking excessively etc) can be to blame for this awful situation. Even if you inadvertently did something, blame suggests intent and your intent was to keep Christopher safe. Whatever they say/said you cannot be to blame.

I have no experience of what you have gone through with your son Christopher but as I read your op I just want to be another person to say that it wasn't your fault.