To ask: why wouldn’t you take your husband’s surname?

[Josephinaphia]

Not looking for a row here - just genuinely interested in people’s reasoning behind not changing their surname upon marriage.
I am married and although I have a very unique maiden name which I love, I took my husband’s surname when we married. It was strange at first and a little sad, but now it is my name and part of my identity, as my original name was. We have 2 DDs who both have the surname too.
My questions are:
If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
Do your children question why you have a different name?
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

Funnily enough my dsis has also kept her name, so in our family we've really messed up the status quo

My sister has kept her name too and we've both given our kids our surnames. Interestingly this really annoyed our brother. I think he felt only his kids had the 'right' to the name, but tbf he is a knob.

Why not go the whole hog? Mrs Bill Smith should surely just go with Ofbill.

I changed my name and in hindsight (despite still being very happily married) I wish I hadn’t. It was my name, and my new name isn’t. I didn’t think it through properly, but I’m older and wiser now.
Would change it back if the admin wasn’t a bit of a ball ache.

Are you saying, rethymnon, that the only to end the patriarchy is to, as a woman, give your children your name? Would that end it for you?

E.g. double barrel or simply mother’s name (even if it is her fathers name). Would either of those work for you?

@yikesanddang in Spain you get your father's first surname + your mother's first surname at birth. Then your children take each of your first surnames. So, Manuel Lopez García marries Inma Rodríguez Fernández. Their children are xxx Lopez Rodríguez. When they have kids they have kids, their kids get Lopez, either as the first surname or second. So, the woman's surnames disappear, it just takes a generation longer. Although these days you can change the order of the surnames.

Yes, well done Rethymnon all that is true, but it's not the point. The point is that I didnt want to continue to prop up patriarchal traditions. I'm not saying that your name isn't your name - of course it is. I am saying that when I had a choice I chose not to continue a patriarchal tradition. You choose to continue a patriarchal tradition. Own that.

I’m not saying it’s “less patriarchal” to take your husbands name. I’m saying, that inheriting a name from your father and calling it your own is also patriarchal and should be owned as such.

Put it this way, you might feel the “patriarchal injustice” more if you didn’t get on with your father, yet you have his name by default. Yet maybe you hardly knew him or he was abusive.

Then the name that is YOUR name because of him may feel uncomfortable.

The sensible way was obviously or your husband to take your name. Over half of marriages end in divorce op. Having you or your children take a name based on who you are married to has the potential to cause all sorts of issues in the future (and does for many people). Keep your own name and give that to your kids. If your dh wants a family name, let him take yours.

I don't give a shit what surname others choose to use or why and respect their choice. I expect the same consideration in return.

(Oh go on, tell me your kids have a double-barrelled surname!) wink

SURE they do! wink

My DH has his Father's Asian name. I have my Scottish name. We don't have any wedding rings or engagement rings and my title is not Mrs, it's Ms.

And yes, our children have double-barrelled names which they are entirely free to keep or drop as they choose. Their combination of names appear to be unique in the world so I don't think they would change.

But it’s your birth name, just as your husband’s surname is his birth name. Why is this so hard to understand? We cannot be held responsible for the patriarchally collusive decisions of our parents’ and grandparents’ generation. We can start by keeping our birth names, and giving them to our children.

I do own that by taking my DH’s name, I was confirming to a patriarchal tradition! How many times do I have to repeat this?

Yet the name that I had had all my life - MY NAME - was a name I had no choice in and has difficult connotations for me because of the man who gave it to me.

It would not have felt more “feminist” to keep my previous name. I can assure you if that. And no, I did not wish to double-barrel for the same reason.

I have owned it as such Rethymnon, quite a few times up thread, but either you're not bothering to read that or you can't think of anything new to say so are just repeating yourself. Have fun with that; I'm done.

^*Put it this way, you might feel the “patriarchal injustice” more if you didn’t get on with your father, yet you have his name by default. Yet maybe you hardly knew him or he was abusive.

Then the name that is YOUR name because of him may feel uncomfortable.*^

If you take issue with the name you were given at birth, for whatever your reasons, you are free to change it when you turn 18. You don't need to wait until you marry.

Also, is it only women who might feel injustice at having been given their fathers name? Or might men feel this too? If they had an absent father. What about people who've been given their mothers surname but don't get along with her?

I’m not saying it’s “less patriarchal” to take your husbands name. I’m saying, that inheriting a name from your father and calling it your own is also patriarchal and should be owned as such.

You implied that in your post at 18.37 when you said it was worse. If by worse you didn't mean more patriarchal, what did you mean?

Put it this way, you might feel the “patriarchal injustice” more if you didn’t get on with your father, yet you have his name by default. Yet maybe you hardly knew him or he was abusive

Why are you referring to it as his name and not my mother's? After all, she chose it, and you say you think a name becomes yours when you deem it so, and not when you simply have it because it was the name of the man who fathered you.

Your position is inherently inconsistent, which is why your conclusion is wrong.

because it was my name for 35+ years and it never entered my mind to change either my christian name or surname at any point including when I got married. He didn't change his either. No one has ever asked me about it or my reasons. My teenage children don't know any different so just assume it's my name and have never asked about it. Has been a total non issue for me

Because he took mine

Over half of marriages end in divorce op.

No they don't. Closer to 40% on recent stats.

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/divorce/bulletins/divorcesinenglandandwales/2017

This is England and Wales, couldn't see full UK stats, but I think NI is lower anyway.

Oh my god.

My mother had my father’s name = patriarchal tradition

I inherited my father’s name = patriarchal tradition

Now I have my husband’s name = patriarchal tradition.

It’s not a competition. I’m just pointing out that it all comes from the same place.

Because I’m proud of my name.
Why should I have to change to it. Not only that but I’d end up forgetting my new name, anyway.

It's the name I've always had and it is a major part of my identity. It never occurred to me to change it, and it was reassuring that DH never asked me to; he was happy with whatever I wanted to do.

Also any children we have will be going in my name. It’s none negotiable.

Well, @Rethymnon, if you keep your birth name and give it to your child, you stop the rot. Or change your name to your mother’s birth name if you really don’t think your birth surname is really yours.

I took Hs name. Genuinely I preferred it to my own, maybe that sounds awful but it's true. I've never liked my maiden name or the way it sounds with my first name. I much much prefer my first name with Hs surname 🤷

I do believe though that it should absolutely be personal choice, I know people who've double barrelled, people who kept their names etc... There shouldn't be any expectations, just conversations about what each party wants.

I didn't take my husband's name because I already have a name