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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have chosen a different life

557 replies

halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 07:34

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

OP posts:
sugarplumfairy28 · 15/08/2019 10:15

Watching I think its because the OP simply will not clarify whether it was a mutual agreement between her and her DH. If it was then fine, but if not then that's an entirely different thing.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 10:24

End up with friendship fine but I don’t love her / him on the wedding day but want children is pretty stark. I doubt it’s that common.

bluegirlgreen · 15/08/2019 10:27

Sounds bad doesn't it @halfwaythroughaugust ???

But a surprising amount of women have done it. Married for convenience, because they wanted kids, and more importantly, so they weren't left on-the-shelf. It probably doesn't happen quite so much now, as there are many more opportunities for women.

But certainly some 35+ years ago, women would marry the first guy who wanted to marry them, as long as he had his own teeth and a job. Especially the working classes. The working-class women from the town I came from, who stayed single and never married, ended up living with their parents until the parents died, and then ended up fighting for the tenancy of the house, or fighting with extended family for the ownership of the house if it was owned... which it usually wasn't.

Then they struggled alone financially, for YEARS, and stayed alone.

I remember one woman thinking the house she shared with her parents (had her at 32, and she was the only one,) was owned, and when her parents died 3 days apart, that the house would go to her. She was shocked to discover it was rented from the council, and as the tenancy was not in her name, she had no right to take over the tenancy. She had to find a private let flat immediately, and has been living alone since. She was 40 then, and is 51 now. She looks 70 - really frumpy, and aged for her years.

But yeah, as I said, it was not uncommon pre mid 1980s, for women to marry a man they didn't actually really love. Some of them are still with him, because it's just easier than leaving. Many women stayed for the children, and the financial security, and then by the time they got to the stage where the children had left, and they weren't financially vulnerable, it was too late to start over with someone else.

I know some people will say, 'just because you're middle aged/in your 50s, that doesn't mean you can't start over with another man.' But it really is too late for many. And most women can't be arsed with another man anyway.

And as many posters have said, it is cruel to stay with a man you don't love, but as I said, many women do it/have done it. And many men do it too... (Marry a woman they don't really love.) But they do tend to be more likely to leave. But ONLY when they have got another woman to go to.

I have known many a couple where the man has just stayed til the youngest kid got to early to mid teens, and then fucked off with another woman. Leaving his wife with the kids, the bills, and the mortgage or rent, while he parades his new squeeze around, spending money on her, going on fancy holidays, and pursuing expensive hobbies, while his ex (and the kids,) go without.

A woman in a dull marriage with a man she is not in love with is more likely to stay, for security and convenience. A man is more likely to leave. As I said, often when the youngest is in their early to mid teens, and ONLY when they have got another woman to go to. That said, I have known quite a few couples where the man has left, and then realised his mistake, and begged to come back. Most women - sensibly - have told him to jog on.

Hopefullyendsmeet · 15/08/2019 10:30

I agree @MarshaBradyo
That’s the thing that really sticks out here. There’s an inequality right from the beginning. That’s why I think the OP, consciously or not, considers herself to be superior to her DH. She withheld a crucial and possibly deal-breaking piece of information in order to control the direction of the relationship. That is the action of a (bad) boss, not a loving partner.

As others have mentioned, it would be entirely different if all the cards had been laid on the table before making a life commitment.

SerendipityJane · 15/08/2019 10:33

That’s bollocks serendipity

So ? You posted your "unique take on life" for us to read and comment on. In AIBU as well. Since you're only replying to a selected few, I'm guessing something hit home.

cranstonmanor · 15/08/2019 10:34

One of my friends who is single asked every married woman that she knew if they married purely for love or if they settled with a good man because he would make a good father. More than half of her friends had chosen their spouse because he was a good friend and father. I also married a stable man. My ex was more of a Michael Hutchence type, wild and sexy, not the type to have a nice quiet life with kids with. My DH isn't as mindblowing, but such a lovely huggable man, much more suitable to have a family with. I am very happy with my choice I suspect that the OP made a similar choice.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 10:36

Cranston do you love him? It’s not about Hutchence v safe but love v not loving him.

SerendipityJane · 15/08/2019 10:38

I think this is quite common and quite normal. Why are people getting so het up about it.

Deceit ? The total and utter lack of respect for another human beings feelings ?

I imagine he settled as well. Many many people settle.

Rather than "imagining", maybe it's better to know ? Which could be achieved with a conversation that puts both people in the relationship on an equal footing ? Probably a little too old fashioned for the new millennium I guess ?

BenWillbondsPants · 15/08/2019 10:40

I don't think you are the first woman to have ever done this and you won't be the last. Unfortunately.

I used to work with a woman who admitted the same thing. They had been married for 18 years by that point and she said that although she didn't love him, she liked him and they had two beautiful children and he adored. She saw that as the pay off. He left her after 20 years together because he met someone else, who really did love him. She was absolutely devastated.

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2019 10:47

She was absolutely devastated.

In which case she did love him.

Some posters seem unaware that love means different things to different people, that there different types of love, that some people can interpret and label their own feelings incorrectly, (through denial, romanticism or fear of getting hurt for example).

Taking a word such as love love at face value without analysis is incredibly simplistic and would lose marks even at GCSE level.

cranstonmanor · 15/08/2019 10:48

@MarshaBradyo
Yes I do love him. Not head over heels swept away in the disney style way but I do love him yes. I couldn't see myself with anyone else if something would happen to him. We do have a connection.

But the OP also says she "sort of" loves him. Maybe she means something similar. I think that film portray love wrong, like that first flush of love should always be there forevef, in my experience it is only temporary and then changes into a more stable and deeper caring sort of love. Maybe she feels that?

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 10:50

I have no problem if people feel different kinds of love. I’d hazard a guess pp Cranston is not as callous as op - no idea but a guess

But all this twisting I don’t love him but wanted children to mean respect, mutual goals, caring nope not buying it.

And not many would be happy with that deceit as they say their vows.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 10:51

X post - see I knew it ; you sounded as if you did

Hopefullyendsmeet · 15/08/2019 10:53

What an utterly condescending post @TatianaLarina

There are all sorts of reasons why she might have been devastated that her husband left her. Maybe it’s because she did love him, maybe it was for other reasons. I agree with you that love is an umbrella term for a range of emotions but the tone of your post is very patronising.

EleanorTopaz · 15/08/2019 10:54

I work with a woman who came to the UK as a penniless single parent. Once she had been in the UK for 5 years or so and her child was a teenager, she started to use dating sites.

This woman is very attractive and very open to all that she was looking for a British man with money. After many dates at which she would sleep with them on the first date, she found a management consultant earning a 6 figure salary. He was not good looking and was quite dull, my colleague was quite open that she was with him for the life style he could give her. They married shortly afterwards and she went from council flat to lovely home, second home abroad, not having to work etc.

I am sure this happens all the time, really, it is the oldest profession in the world. The man probably know he isn’t loved.

Hopefullyendsmeet · 15/08/2019 10:57

The issue isn’t even really so much about what love is as it is about a fundamental dishonesty in the way OP entered into a marriage. That is the real problem, not the semantics of love and what it means to different people.

Hopefullyendsmeet · 15/08/2019 10:59

This woman is very attractive and very open to all that she was looking for a British man with money. After many dates at which she would sleep with them on the first date, she found a management consultant earning a 6 figure salary. He was not good looking and was quite dull, my colleague was quite open that she was with him for the life style he could give her. They married shortly afterwards and she went from council flat to lovely home, second home abroad, not having to work etc.

She was open and honest about what she was looking for in a marriage. That’s not even close to being the same scenario as the OPs.

MilesJuppIsMyBitch · 15/08/2019 11:01

I got to the post at 9:17, & so far no-one has pointed out that he got children out of this too!

I speak as someone who married for love & now find my sometimes-abusive husband VERY annoying, & can't stand my ILs.

My DH says the children are the best thing that's ever happened to him. The OP
bore this man's children, he's not just some hapless victim.

The poster above whose buttons have been pressed by this post has an abusive husband, & I'm sorry for her, but the situations are not the same.

NurseButtercup · 15/08/2019 11:01

I'm undecided if YABu or if yanbu for your reasons for settling & marrying your husband. I know plenty of people in real life that have settled & married for a wide range of reasons other than "being in love".

I do know that given the opportunity, 10-15 years ago I would have adopted a very similar approach and mindset to you.

I'm also wondering if subconsciously you treat him with disdain and he's aware that you don't love him. You might find that he leaves you when the kids are in their late teens/ early 20's.

DistanceCall · 15/08/2019 11:04

So you never had a conversation with your husband before marrying and told him, very clearly, that you were not in love with him but you thought you would settle for him because he is nice and secure and would make a good father even though you think he is a bit dull.

Yes, being with someone you think is dull because it suits you, and not telling them, is pretty cuntish behaviour.

And it does show. No passion, is not the only component in a happy marriage. But it's the basis on which you build. If it's not there to start with, it's utter shit.

angell84 · 15/08/2019 11:05

Not too late to be single!

Hopefullyendsmeet · 15/08/2019 11:08

@DistanceCall

Whilst I disagree that a relationship built without passion to begin with is utter shit, I think to enter into a marriage with a fundamental dishonesty is pretty shit for both parties.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 15/08/2019 11:10

A happy marriage can be made on mutual respect, trust, friendship and wanting the same things from life. Love can grow or fade (and as MANY of threads on here testify frequently does).

We all settle for something. I expect OPs husband is settling too, in his own way.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 15/08/2019 11:10

I TOTALLY disagree that passion is necessary for a good relationship.

Dancingmummy · 15/08/2019 11:12

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3664805-i-don-t-find-my-husband-attractive?pg=1&order=

Read some replies on here for proof you’re not alone op

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