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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that he is ott about this woman?

85 replies

Coldfeetwarmheart1 · 14/08/2019 23:15

I’m totally sick of my boyfriend wittering on and on about his friend. Every conversation we have, her name seems to pop up . Her advice, her opinions, her intelligence, her humour. Boring on and on about her. He has too much contact with her and works with her too.He laughs at me when I ask him if he has feelings for her. As if I am being absurd because she is years older than him with kids and is married.I am sick of it but it doesn’t seem normal.he says he really enjoys her company and there is nothing else going on .

OP posts:
WhyWhyWhy2019 · 15/08/2019 01:54

Hi op
I had a manager and a colleague with a similar type of relationship. Manager was female n colleague male. Both in relationships. Mamager happily married with two kids n at least 15 years older than colleague. Colleague with gf for 10 years n recently married. They had a weird relationship. Always joking and talking more so than anyone else would. On each others social media and then discussing it the next day etc. It annoyed me and i heard his gf was not pleased but they were just friends. I personally think its not right to share so much of yourself with someone to the point where ur other half feels left out. They may not have an affair but being emotionally invested in such a way us just as bad.

Yeahnahmum · 15/08/2019 02:09

You should end it with him
Or suck it up and take a backseat in your own relationship
Which is obviously sarcasm and please end it

Age doesnt matter
The fact that she is married isnt either
He adores her
But in a relationshipwith you

Hello red flags times a million

isitjanuary · 15/08/2019 02:20

My god op. Why are you putting up with his pining and fixation on another woman? Get rid of him.

Derbee · 15/08/2019 03:03

I think he has a crush on her. That’s not necessarily the end of your relationship, if you really love each other. He just needs to process his crush, move on and stop behaving in a way that makes you feel worried or insecure. She probably finds it flattering, even if she had no intention of acting on it. You need to determine whether he would act on it if the chance arose. If he would, I think you should move on.

MsDogLady · 15/08/2019 04:03

I would not be with a man who made a fool of me by drooling over another woman. It sounds like he is openly grieving the loss since dialing it back.

You deserve to be the only woman on his mind. Move on.

GibbonLover · 15/08/2019 04:15

her opinions, her intelligence, her humour

Hate to say but these things far outweigh looks and age in the sexy stakes.

ThatCurlyGirl · 15/08/2019 07:00

If he is doing someting that really upsets you and thinks it's funny / won't change it then it's up to him to either stop doing it or accept you aren't compatible on this issue.

In some cases you'll be accused of being jealous or controlling (not by me in this particular case it sounds really OTT him and as if he's enjoying watching you squirm) BUT the facts above remain - if one partner tells the other that they're doing something that really upsets them and is making them sad, then as adults you need to both consider whether it's something you want to resolve together or something you can't live with.

I don't think it matters really whether he fancies her or not, the point is that it's making you feel shit and he doesn't care at all.

ThatCurlyGirl · 15/08/2019 07:01

That'll teach me to miss an OP reply before posting! Eight months in?! Bin it off OP - it shouldn't be this hard eight months in FFS!!

Alloftit · 15/08/2019 07:08

Get him gone OP. For one, it shouldn’t be this hard this early on and for two, your boyfriend is besotted with another woman. Fairly major points, I’d say

BuildBuildings · 15/08/2019 07:11

Sounds like he's got a crush on her. They can be harmless but this early on he should be all about you not somone else.

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/08/2019 07:15

Yanbu

The fact she happily backed away pangs of an EA gone wrong maybe she just wants out now.

eternalopt · 15/08/2019 07:17

You said yourself in your first post that "He laughs at me when I ask him if he has feelings for her. As if I am being absurd because she is years older than him with kids and is married." So your gut instinct was that he fancies her. Go with your gut. Been there, suffered that - my ex told me I was being absurd to suggest he fancied the married woman in work. She left her husband and they are now married and he's bringing up her kids as his step children. Sounds like you're saved by the lack of attraction on her part, but is that really what you want? Do you want to be with someone who seems pissed off his options are closed off?

redcarbluecar · 15/08/2019 07:20

I think he needs to know, from you, in no uncertain terms that you don’t like his obsession with this woman and that it’s not going to be brushed off as a joke when her name constantly comes up in conversation. He may be able to get over the infatuation and move on without this being a deal breaker for your relationship. (I’m giving a bit of benefit of the doubt here and assuming that nothing has happened between them or will).However you might have discovered a side of his character that will be unpalatable for you going forwards.

onanothertrain · 15/08/2019 07:27

If you let us know what answers you are looking for we can give then and you can stop posting this. The answers you got last time were different to this. Now you're getting he's a dick. Are you looking for a reason to leave? Or do you want us to say its all her fault, how dare an old lady even look at your boyfriend??

easyandy101 · 15/08/2019 07:33

Does he have alot of other friends?

Witchinaditch · 15/08/2019 07:34

Have you posted about this before?

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 15/08/2019 07:35

If he really is perfect in every other way, then consider this: what if he was banging in about a male friend in the same way would it bother you?
Probably not? Then try not to let it bother you.
Let him have a female friend he admires. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you 🤷🏻‍♀️

lrh3891 · 15/08/2019 07:45

Out of interest, how much older is she than him? You say she's 20 years older than you but do you and he have an age gap?

I think if they've been friends for 5 years it's a bit rich to start demanding a change. A bit like people who move into a flat near a well established club then complain about the noise and get it shut down.

Gardai · 15/08/2019 07:51

He sounds like an embarrassing boyfriend OP

RonnieScotts · 15/08/2019 07:57

He's always comments on her SM posts...using emojis. She suggested he reign it in a bit. How embarrassing for him and you.

Daffodil2018 · 15/08/2019 08:17

My ex boyfriend did this. Mentionitis. It turned out he was sleeping with her and they are now married!

Icecreamsoda99 · 15/08/2019 09:13

I had an ex who idolized his manager who was much older than him, married with a child. He told me she was his perfect woman Hmm it was never going to go anywhere but he had her on a pedestal and I felt I was constantly compared to how would 'Becky' behave, very wearing after a while!

Chickychoccyegg · 15/08/2019 09:55

8 months in he should still be infatuated with you, could he have went out with you to try and make this woman jealous? do you think he said to her about cutting contact back hoping she would be upset and realise she was in love with him too? sounds like he's pissed off that she happily agreed about cutting back contact!
Dump him and move on it shouldn't be this stressful this early on, this is supposed to be the happy, fun times at the start

Original poster
Coldfeetwarmheart1 · 15/08/2019 14:12

I’m not sure that he is besotted with her and when I asked him to pull away, he did straight away as he knew it was too much contact. The fact that she agreed straight way means that she thought it was too much contact too so I will have to watch this space . I worry he will go underground with his thoughts as he sees her pretty much everyday and I’m pretty sure he saw his mentioning her so much as just chatting with me after the day . Although she immediately agreed with him so I’m somewhat lost now.

OP posts:
RobinMoseby · 15/08/2019 14:53

8 months?! Bloody hell. After that length of time I would just stop seeing him, I thought you’d been together years and years!

You deserve better.