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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents putting me in a difficult position/ being rude to my DP.

55 replies

Cherrybae7 · 14/08/2019 22:27

Background: me (25) DP (25), been together for 3 years and have lived together for 2.

My parents invited me on holiday, which I thought was lovely. They didn’t mention my DP in the WhatsApp message, so I responded asking about a couple of details and is DP invited?

I get a response a while later that answers my questions except the one about DP. I message back nicely again, commenting on how that location is so nice etc but ask what about DP.

Again get a response ignoring the question about DP.

The next message I sent made it clear that I was more than happy to contribute some of the cost.

Anyway, it got to a total of 5 replies from my parents that completely ignored my question about DP, so eventually I just said ‘I’d love to go skiing with you but if it’s better for you two to go alone I get that 100%, I’ll still help you look for trips online but I can’t just go on a family holiday and leave DP behind.’

Now, I get a response to this about an hour later saying along the lines of ‘If you both really want to come and your sure you’ll have a great time and you can pay for yourselves that’s fine. I knew I shouldn’t have asked in the first place.’

Just for context, DP can ski, my parents were going to pay for me (which was really sweet), then backtracked on the premise that DP would join, I was more than happy to pay for DP myself, I’ve paid to go on trips with my parents before, we can afford it but we haven’t been on holiday this year and I’m not exactly gonna spend 1.5K on a trip where I’ve had to push for DP to even be invited, and I’m an only child if that’s relevant.

I’m quite upset about this because I’d be really hurt if it was the other way round, DP has no knowledge of any of this and I politely said we wouldn’t be able to make it.

Please let me know if they or I ABU, and any suggestions of how to talk to them about this nicely would be very appreciated!SmileHaloCake

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 14/08/2019 22:30

Is there any reason why they may not like him? Have you had difficulties in your relationship or does he argue with them about politics etc?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2019 22:33

It seems your parents don't like your partner very much. Is there a reason for this, and why would you not go away without him?

ChicCroissant · 14/08/2019 22:34

I'm not sure what the AIBU is here but I'll assume that it is your parents not seeing you as having a partner.

Yes, I do think they should consider that you (both!) come as a pair in that case. However it seems clear that you knew from the start that your DP was not invited so I'm not sure why you didn't turn it down straight away?

CherrySocks · 14/08/2019 22:41

As a parent of someone a similar age who is living with their partner I would think it is very weird to invite your own offspring to go on a holiday and not invite their partner.

I don't know why they would say I shouldn't have asked in the first place either. That is also weird. My offspring is quite outspoken and would say "Why do you think I'd want to go on holiday without offspring-partner?"

Leeds2 · 14/08/2019 22:46

Why would you need to pay for DP yourself? Can he not pay for himself, if he wants to go on the trip?

EatenByDinosaurs · 14/08/2019 22:46

No, as others have said YANBU. You live together, its poor manners not to assume you'd holiday together, unless there's some underlying reason, such as your DP hates skiing and usually goes on a spelunking week away whilst you're on your ski week.

My parents deeply, passionately hated DH and would do this kind of thing all the time, they even tried to bribe me to divorce him Hmm

Sorrysorrysosorry · 14/08/2019 22:47

They obviously just wanted to spend time with you alone. I guess as their only child they miss you? BUT, as you are actually living with DP, they were being VVU in not only not inviting him but also making it clear they don’t really want him joining you when you repeatedly asked for confirmation about DP.

AquaPris · 14/08/2019 22:51

That's weird. DP would always have been invited from that point. My DPs parents are a bit odd and didn't quite view me as a member of the family for a while but by 3 years I'd be invited for sure.

It be tempted to just say 'I'm a bit confused about what I've done wrong here - he's my partner and we live together, be a bit strange to swan off without him. Do you not like DP or something?'

Drogosnextwife · 14/08/2019 22:52

Why don't they like him?

bellabasset · 14/08/2019 22:52

As you live with dp did they want a holiday on their own with you? They may feel they don't know him well enough to include him.

I think the best way to approach it is to tell them that as you live with dp you want to include him in future holiday plans. Then leave it at that.

PositiveVibez · 14/08/2019 22:55

Even if my mum didn't like my dh, there's no way on this earth she would just ask me to go on holiday and not my partner.

Is there more of a backstory OP? A falling out? Has he treated you shabbily in the past?

summersherewishiwasnt · 14/08/2019 22:55

How rude! To ignore and skirt around your question. The not answering you was really their way of saying the holiday is for you only. However some adults do holiday with parents and without partners. Assuming if suits everyone it’s not an issue. No right or wrong if all are happy. Rude and disrespectful to you for ignoring and reneged on the offer to pay for you though.

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 14/08/2019 22:56

Is there a backstory? Sounds like either they don't like him for some reason, or they wanted to spend time alone with you and didn't realise how rude and inconsiderate they were being.

Has your DP been away with them before and complained/been miserable? I just wonder because of their response - "if you really want to come and you're sure you'll both have a great time". This is a really weird thing to say.

bottlenose301 · 14/08/2019 22:56

Maybe your parents were worried you would assume that they should pay for DP too? And their wording 'if you're sure you'll have great time' , do they think you bicker or something?

I don't think it's rude per se as maybe they just wanted time with you.

Missingstreetlife · 14/08/2019 22:58

Are you joined at the hip? It will be a different dynamic if he goes. Don't think they are wrong but understand your POV too.

fedup21 · 14/08/2019 22:59

any suggestions of how to talk to them about this nicely would be very appreciated!

Just ask them what is going on.

RosaWaiting · 14/08/2019 23:03

I’m wondering if they wanted time with just you, which I think is fair enough but I see I’m in a minority!

buckeejit · 14/08/2019 23:07

Is there history? Do you spend most time together or is dp often left out with your family? What's your relationship with dp's family?

Go round & have an honest conversation with the, about why they feel this negativity. Keep an open mind & don't get too upset.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 14/08/2019 23:13

Rightly or wrongly, what shouts out to me from your OP is that they do not like him.

Is there a drip feed here about how you've holiday'd together in the past and it hasn't gone well?

I've been married for (nearly) 25 years, and whilst I would (and have) gone away for weekends or long weekends without my DH and/or child, I would never, never actually take a HOLIDAY (which I would define as a week or more) away without him and would think it REALLY odd if I was invited to do so by ANYONE. And wouldn't go if I was because holiday times are precious.

Do they not see your relationship as serious?

I'm the parent of an only, so I do get that you're their PFB and they love you and want to spend time with you. But they can't exclude your partner.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/08/2019 23:14

Does your DP go everywhere with you, OP? Have you stopped seeing some friends/relatives since you started dating him? Could your parents have the impression that he is controlling and abusive, even if you don't think that's true?
If you're sure that your DP is lovely and not abusive, do you or your parents know anyone else with an abusive partner who is trying to isolate them? They could be projecting, of course...

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 14/08/2019 23:18

Maybe they felt awkward about being willing to pay for you but not him?

Do they have good reason not to like him?

SAHM2019 · 14/08/2019 23:19

When they said 'if your sure yo both want to come and are going to have a nice time'... well why would they say that? It's like they didn't want him there out of fear that you wont enjoy the holiday. Have you had problems with your DP which has made them just wat to take you away without him? And if not, I'd ask them outright what that was all about. Very strange (unless they have good reason to not want him there).

superram · 14/08/2019 23:19

Are you a teacher. I used to go on holiday without my husband as I had 13 seeks holiday and he had 5. He was always invited (to be fair) but rarely came with my family.

Goingonagondola · 14/08/2019 23:19

I think they just miss you and hoped you'd come on holiday with them. Can you see them without DP sometimes? Partners are part of life, but you are their child, not him.

Timandra · 14/08/2019 23:20

It's hard to know if YABU without knowing if there's a good reason why they might think you need some time away from your DP.

When my DD1 was in an abusive relationship, I might have used this as an opportunity to spend some time with her and help her get a little perspective on his behaviour.

The problem is that, you could be in an abusive relationship and not be aware or able to acknowledge it, it could be that the abusive relationship is with your parents and they want to drive a wedge between you and your DP or it could be that they and your DP are perfectly nice and your parents just thought it might be nice to have you to themselves for a week or so.