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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents putting me in a difficult position/ being rude to my DP.

55 replies

Cherrybae7 · 14/08/2019 22:27

Background: me (25) DP (25), been together for 3 years and have lived together for 2.

My parents invited me on holiday, which I thought was lovely. They didn’t mention my DP in the WhatsApp message, so I responded asking about a couple of details and is DP invited?

I get a response a while later that answers my questions except the one about DP. I message back nicely again, commenting on how that location is so nice etc but ask what about DP.

Again get a response ignoring the question about DP.

The next message I sent made it clear that I was more than happy to contribute some of the cost.

Anyway, it got to a total of 5 replies from my parents that completely ignored my question about DP, so eventually I just said ‘I’d love to go skiing with you but if it’s better for you two to go alone I get that 100%, I’ll still help you look for trips online but I can’t just go on a family holiday and leave DP behind.’

Now, I get a response to this about an hour later saying along the lines of ‘If you both really want to come and your sure you’ll have a great time and you can pay for yourselves that’s fine. I knew I shouldn’t have asked in the first place.’

Just for context, DP can ski, my parents were going to pay for me (which was really sweet), then backtracked on the premise that DP would join, I was more than happy to pay for DP myself, I’ve paid to go on trips with my parents before, we can afford it but we haven’t been on holiday this year and I’m not exactly gonna spend 1.5K on a trip where I’ve had to push for DP to even be invited, and I’m an only child if that’s relevant.

I’m quite upset about this because I’d be really hurt if it was the other way round, DP has no knowledge of any of this and I politely said we wouldn’t be able to make it.

Please let me know if they or I ABU, and any suggestions of how to talk to them about this nicely would be very appreciated!

OP posts:

SAHM2019 · 14/08/2019 23:20

@fedup21 exactly!

SadOtter · 14/08/2019 23:20

Going from "if your sure you’ll have a great time" is there something that makes your parents think you won't? Do you bicker? has he been a bit grouchy on previous things with your parents?

Maybe they wanted some time with you and are worried you'll be too busy with DP to spend any time with them?

Masketti · 14/08/2019 23:24

I've been on holiday with just my DM not DF or DH but it would be totally weird for my parents together to invite me on holiday and not DH! We've been as a family several times. DH is an only and we've been on holiday with his parents a couple of times. The first time at a similar age to you when we'd been together/living together a similar amount of time. It was to somewhere he'd been to lots of times as a family of 3 but I was invited and paid for as part of their family.

Have you ever had a previous inkling that they don't see him as part of the family?

SAHM2019 · 14/08/2019 23:25

If it was just that they wanted to spend time with you though, couldn't they have just said that when you asked about your DP? Or is this their normal way... avoiding answering questions? You obviously know your own parents better than anyone here and the background of their feelings towards you DP

SavingSpaces2019 · 14/08/2019 23:26

i'm glad you declined.
they chose to be passive aggressive about it when you asked repeatedly in a nice way.

i don't think this is about wanting a holiday with you as such, more like using the opportunity to deliberately exclude your dp to show that they are still number one in your life - or some other weird competitive thing they've got going on.
they chose the type of holiday to make their point in a blatant, but passive aggressive, manner.
didn't give a shit either that you'd basically be on your own most of the time and the rest playing gooseberry.

Bifflepants · 14/08/2019 23:26

They wanted to spend time with you by yourself, they probably miss having this. Then they had a tanty when they realised you weren't going to leave him behind.

Gogreen · 14/08/2019 23:27

Funny how things change....if my parents done that to me and my dp when we was 3 years in to our relationship I would have been offended for my OH and would have had a go at them for purposely excluding him...as he is also family!

We’ve been together over 15 years now and reading your post....I actually don’t think it’s that bad, they probably wanted to spend time with you, just you, like the old days and it’s actually sweet. I would go.....and think you need to accept that in the future you will do things without your OH and he will do things without you....doesn’t make each other less important...just means that even thoguh you are predominately a couple....your still individual people too.

Go have fun....

Wiltshirelass2019 · 14/08/2019 23:28

It just sounds to me like they didn’t want to pay for him.

Branleuse · 14/08/2019 23:30

Why couldnt you go on holiday without him?
I have been on holiday with my mum or dad without my dp several times.
Sounds like they just wanted a trip with their daughter for old times sake

eddiemairswife · 14/08/2019 23:30

Have you actually spoken to them or is this all done by 'messaging'?
'

QualCheckBot · 14/08/2019 23:34

Gosh no, that's awfully rude of your parents.

And who wants to go on a ski-ing holiday with only their parents anyway at age 25? A big group could be fun, parents, you and partner could be fun, but you and parents as a threesome, out to dinner every night, (not enjoying the apre-ski) I think would get a bit tiresome after the second night.

Maybe they wanted to treat you and couldn't afford to treat DP as well?

CherryPavlova · 14/08/2019 23:34

I suspect they just wanted some time with you. You’re not so very old that their nest won’t still feel a bit empty.

DishingOutDone · 14/08/2019 23:41

If they carry on like this Cherry their nest will very definitely remain empty - what they've done is incredibly rude - like they were hoping to provoke an argument and hey, now they've got one.

There must be more to it than this OP? Have they always been rude and nasty about your partner?

AcrossthePond55 · 14/08/2019 23:42

Well, if I didn't like my child's partner I wouldn't want to invite them on a holiday. And if I, as the child, knew my parents didn't like my partner I wouldn't expect them to invite him on a holiday.

The question is; Why don't they like him? It's hard to know who is being unreasonable without knowing that. They could be racist. Or your partner could be racist. There must be some reason they don't want him around. Only you can tell us if it's a good reason or a bad one.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/08/2019 23:44

Clarification; I'm not saying either is racist, just using it as one example. It could be because he has terrible table manners, or picks his nose in public. Or supports the wrong football team. The point is, we don't really know if the parents are being terrible or not.

ineedaholidaynow · 14/08/2019 23:48

Why didn't you actually speak to them to clarify the position?

EverTheConundrum · 14/08/2019 23:54

"Why do you think I'd want to come away without DP?"

timshelthechoice · 14/08/2019 23:55

Maybe they just want to go with you alone but I'm not one for doing everything with my spouse.

TheBouquets · 15/08/2019 00:01

I can understand a bit of how your DParents might be feeling.

I would love time alone with my DAC but even when I do manage to have an hour with my AC I get the partner intruding with phone calls, texts and the AC talking in the Partner's way.
If I try to accept that the partner has to come along I feel expected to comply with the partner's wishes. The partner has not got this that being much older than them as well as my own DC I have my own mind and if I am paying I dont expect a non relative to dictate to me.
I also dont see why I should pay for an AC who is not my own but you have come back with you can pay separately for your partner.
If you and parents are sharing accommodation I could see how they would not be keen to share with an adult that they are not related to.

I also dont like the idea of being almost "forced" to accept another person's choice of company.
Like I said earlier I wish I could spend time with my DAC without any other person being there or any sign of them being there.
I have my own OH (who is not the father of my DC) and I would be leaving my OH behind so that we, DAC and I could have some time like we used to have.

Doyoureallyneedtoask · 15/08/2019 00:01

Maybe they wanted some alone time with you?

More likely, they are aren't enthralled by your DP though. Is there history?

Durgasarrow · 15/08/2019 00:12

Maybe they will take your relationship more seriously if you're married. You don't have to get married, but it would probably clarify how serious you are about your relationship. Clearly they 1. didn't want to pay for him, and 2. possibly hoped to have time just with you. Either of these things are fine to want. If you don't want to do those things, you don't have to do them.

BrokenWing · 15/08/2019 00:17

and any suggestions of how to talk to them about this nicely would be very appreciated!

Pick up the phone or go round and see them, they are your parents if you can't talk frankly with them who can you! Stop messaging.

LillithsFamiliar · 15/08/2019 00:22

I don't think they put you in a difficult position. They invited you to go on holiday with them. You either accept or decline.
I don't think partners always have to holiday together so I wouldn't consider it awkward that they didn't invite him.

Topseyt · 15/08/2019 00:28

Phone them or go round there and ask them directly. It is probably the only way.

Is there anything that makes them uncomfortable or uneasy around your DP? Something they find hard to accept? There may or may not be, but perhaps there is more to this?

cstaff · 15/08/2019 00:29

I'm with you OP. Unless you are a teacher and have loads of holidays to take they are expecting you to give up 1 out of 4 weeks of time off without your dp. I think that is a big ask tbh.

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