Naughty kids (my own)

[Sorryandstressed]

Posting for traffic more than anything else (I'm fairly sure I am being unreasonable- or at least a bad parent)

I have three DC, 7, 4 and 2. And between the three of them they're never happy.

Dc1 is constantly miserable, ungrateful etc. Prone to horrific tantrums and outbursts and physically lashes out at me. Doesn't do this at school of at grandparents though, so I'm loathe to say there is some sort of SN

Dc2 is a bit whingy sometimes but nothing outside of what is age appropriate (generally a good kid)

DC3 is a miniature version of dc1. Volatile and angry although obviously the tantrums are more expected at this age.

Between the three of them I cannot win. Days out are ruined (normally by dc1 or 3), they all whine if we stay in. They're incapable of sitting and watching a film or tv etc

I've tried every approach to discipline I can think of, naughty steps, star charts, bribery, removing privileges etc but none of it works.

I need help! Any suggestions?

Oh I've tried discussions etc and positive reinforcement etc but it's 'in one ear and out of the other'

I'm not sure but a friend is the same and struggling so following for any tips / advice.

Well, you can only do one thing at a time, so in your shoes I'd start with DC1 and target the most extreme/ least desirable behaviours first.

What are the triggers for the lashing out and the major meltdowns?

Barring any medical needs or other.....

Choose 1 parenting discipline and keep at it for 2 weeks. Even when you think it’s failing. Be really consistent.

1,2, 3 magic is easy and good.

Are they getting enough sleep? What support do you have?

What causes the outbursts and violence?

It sounds like a normal family to me ... when my daughter was little we planned a lovely holiday for her and all she did was sulk and refuse to join in any activities. Sometimes children can be a pain in the neck! Even now she is grown up I still see that sulky face and think what is wrong with her now?

Gin

and waiting for the day they have their own kids and Karma bites them in the bum , its hilarious

Dc1 has always been like this. I think sometimes I've spoiled them when they were little and I'm paying for it now.

Has to be entertained 24.7 hates my attention being taken up by anyone else (especially dh- her dad). Lies, manipulates. Can be lovely but only on their terms. Very overbearing.

This school holidays has been horrific.

The current punishment for bad behaviour is going to their bedroom but they scream and scream and scream in there. Breaks things etc. We always talk about it afterwards but it never changes.

I am so drained. They shouldn't be doing this at nearly 8 should they? Am contemplating taking them to the docs, but they're like a different kid outside of the house

What is your interaction with DC1 like? Do they get enough positive attention? My DD1 would play up if she didn’t. And also on days out, how do you respond to DC1? I generally found that not overreacting to minor misdemeanours and distraction worked well when things looked like they were going to take a turn for the worst. And not being too ambitious with days out so a morning somewhere rather than a whole day and building up from there.

@pelirocco

My daughter is just starting to experience the terrible 2s and I am loving it! lol

Is their diet high in sugar? Whats their screen time allowance? Do they get to play outside much?

For context this morning dc1 and 2 were fighting. I intervened and made dc2 share. Dc2 complies then dc1 throws a fit that they wanted something else (like screaming and crying). I then calmly tell dc1 to go to their bedroom to calm down and come out once they've stopped.

Dc1 then charges at me hysterical trying to hit me/push me. I then physically lead dc1 to their bedroom, to which they proceed to scream the house down and kick their bedroom door. This went on for an hour.

After its over we continue with our day, shops etc. Tea time comes around and it starts again (this time because of the meal made- normally a favourite)

Don’t go for full on days out. Take them out to the park for a walk or play every day. Even if it’s raining.
Just find different parks or woods to go to.
Give them jobs and tasks at home and out. Just simple things like finding stones and flowers or wiping kitchen cupboard doors.
Praise them when they do these things.

Aside from the consistent, clear disciplining, focussing on the worst behaviours, it is definitely worth looking at other factors such as sleep, diet, screen time, exercise, fresh air. It'll be horrific in the short term as you change these things, but so worth it in the long term.

studies have repeatedly shown that sugar has nothing to do with behaviour, it's just one of these urban myths.

Screen time on the other hand... My own kids are like puppies, they need to run around for a minimum of 2 hours a day

I have no patience either, so I don't accept or am bothered by bad mood, they quickly learn that it will get them nowhere. No child has to be entertained all the time, just ignore and leave them be. When they get too bored, they will find something to do.
Alternatively, suggest a long list of chores to occupy them. That works too.

Has your eldest always been like this or did it get worse when her siblings were born? Couldn't be jealousy?

Dc1 gets the most 1:1 attention and activities (by a mile). I think one of the problems is perhaps that they get too much, I don't know.

None of the DC's have a lot of screen time (their not lovers of it tbh- I wish they were a bit)

Outside time every day (where viable), lots of playing with friends. Probably too much sugar. Could that cause a problem with behaviour?

*could it be jealousy

what were the consequences for D1 outrageous behaviour?

If he was very strongly punished, it would soon help him to stop himself. It's just unacceptable.

Don't forget that they (can) get worst when they are teenagers. It's much easier to manage a young child and sort him out now than waiting to deal with a young person then young adult.

Sleep has always been a contentious issue with dc1. Wants late nights but won't sleep late so ends up horrific the next day. Sleep is a major behaviour trigger for us

Sugar doesn't cause behavioral problems. It's been extensively studied (including by me).

Can you start leaving DC1 home with her dad while you take the other two out a bit more, and explain that you can't tolerate her behavior anymore?

Well you little one is just a baby and your middle one is okay, so yeah, focus on your eldest. I would try to be kind and reasonable, but make some rules and stick to them. And always follow through with punishments.

Be aware though that autistic girls are good at masking and many autistic kids manage to hold things together out of the home and are then awful at home. If days out/ change is a trigger, it could be worth thinking about.

I'd say DC1 is acting out because they don't feel they get enough quality time with you. Sending her to her room then just creates more time apart and reinforces her feeling that you are focused on the other two.

How much one on one time do you get with your eldest?

Ah cross post. You say a lot of 1 on 1 time but is it quality, what she wants to do and is in her control? If so, I'm out 😂

Tbh behaviour never changed with the arrival of dc2 or 3. As siblings they get on great for the most part and dc1 definitely gets the lionshare of attention.

I'm honestly dreading them getting older. It's one thing having a seven year old hit you, not so much fun at 15.

The screaming horrifies me. I'm sure someone will ring the police (terraced house) or complain to the council at least.

Again I've tried explaining this but they don't seem to care