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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to know why I’m angry “all the time”

73 replies

Aballoonabouttopop · 13/08/2019 21:46

AIBU to say it’s because he is the sex drive of a snail?? Actually I have no insight into snail behaviour, but I feel like I might actually implode soon!

2 years people, 2 years!!! I know he doesn’t find me physically attractive since the birth of DD. He’s said that directly. I’m a size 14 now versus a size 8 before.

What really upsets me is that we were watching Love Actually last weekend. Not sure if you know the film, but Martine’s character mentions a horrible old boyfriend who said she was fat. I mentioned to DH “isn’t that an awful thing to bully someone about their weight”, because he does make a big issue about my weight, when am I going to go on a diet, do I really want to eat 2 pieces of bread etc etc. DH replied that it’s only horrible in the film, because she isn’t actually fat. So that’s nice, obviously I’m grotesque.

Anyway, I think that’s why I feel quite ragey (not a real word). Mostly I’m fine and I bury my feelings and I know from the outside that we look like we have a perfect life. I’d trade the lot if he showed some passion.

Sorry for the long ramble. I’ve been asked the question a lot by him recently and I really do want to shout why!! It’s not normal is it? To be made to feel ugly and also for a man to not want sex with his wife?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/08/2019 21:49

Is it time to reconsider the relationship? This is going to be your future, isn't it? He doesn't sound very nice at all, tbh.

rededucator · 13/08/2019 21:49

Are you worried about how your weight is impacting your health? How would you feel if he went up 3 sizes? Not provoking, but I wonder if you've tried to see from his POV?

Oldbutstillgotit · 13/08/2019 21:56

Are you happy with your weight ?

user1473878824 · 13/08/2019 21:57

@rededucator Hmm

EC22 · 13/08/2019 21:59

You’re relationship sounds terminal.

rededucator · 13/08/2019 21:59

I think they're valid questions? But I agree with PP if you are not in a physical, loving, affectionate, intimate relationships you've become flatmates. Sorry OP.

toadabode · 13/08/2019 22:00

It doesn't sound as though you've realised it yet but from what you've posted your marriage is probably over

GinNotGym19 · 13/08/2019 22:01

This is really sad. I’d re-evaluate what you’re getting from this relationship and if it can be fixed. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?
One of the many many MANY reasons my relationship with stbxh broke down was similar to this. I feel like everyone deserves to be with someone that truly loves them!

EAIOU · 13/08/2019 22:01

@rededucator- are you excusing abusive behaviour???

That must be very hard for you OP. To feel like you're not good enough constantly. Can I ask why you're with him?

sheshootssheimplores · 13/08/2019 22:02

That sounds like a very handy excuse, to blame you. I suspect if you were a size 8 he still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Personally I would say to him that if you felt desired, you’d have more inclination to look sexy. With this in mind your plan is to take a lover and burn off some calories having some very filthy sex. I wonder if he’d mind?

weaningwoes · 13/08/2019 22:03

He sounds horrible. Why do you put up with it?

IAskTooManyQuestions · 13/08/2019 22:04

The Ops physical health is one thing .

Her DHs cuntish behaviour is another entirely.

Unless he has some medical issue he isn't addressing - and is blaming the OPs weight for his non performance, then the issue is his and I doubt the OP will get past this.

Probably time to call quits on the relationship.

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 13/08/2019 22:09

OP, his approach is wrong, without doubt. He should not make you feel disgusting or grotesque, that is not what we should accept from anyone who loves us.

However, we all do have preferences and what we find attractive, it's just human nature. As couples I think we should always do our best to keep ourselves looking our best possible for our partner, this always helps to keep the passion alive as well as having a positive sex life. This of course has to be mutual and based on respect and understanding. He most likely is missing what he was used to and he is now approaching the manner in a very stupid way.

Consider it this way, how would you feel if he put on a ton of weight? For some, it may not matter at all, but for those who it does matter to - they are not wrong for feeling that way at all.

Take the emotions out of it temporarily and talk to him, ask him what would he like to happen? Make him also realise that although you are understanding, his approach is hurtful and it does not make you feel loved, nor is it encouraging for you. Instead it makes you feel the complete opposite.

Perhaps suggest a way you both can train together, try a new diet together? Make him your biggest supporter and partner in this.

Honesty is key here. If of course you don't want to change, then it may be that this relationship is not for you anymore.

Whatisthisfuckery · 13/08/2019 22:11

And he thinks bullying you and making you feel bad about yourself will help you lose weight? He sounds like a nasty piece of work. If his love for you depends on you maintaining a slim figure then that says a lot about him.I bet he’s an absolute Adonis himself isn’t he.

DP was tiny when I met her. She’s put on a couple of stone since and I still love her, because I’m not a shallow bitch.

OP does your H watch a lot of porn? Is he taking it out on you because there’s something else going on? Either way he’s being a bastard and you’d be better off rid tbh.

bumblingbovine49 · 13/08/2019 22:12

You are a size 14. Whilst I am sure that feels uncomfortable to you if you were a size 8 before, it hardly at the point where your health is at grave risk, so we can dismiss his 'concerns' being about your health. He is a dick of the highest order is all I will say

Scratchyfluffface · 13/08/2019 22:15

Can we not forget that OP put on weight because SHE HAD HIS CHILD! Surely he should cut her a bit of slack for that?

Howlovely · 13/08/2019 22:18

This is horrid OP, I'm so sorry. Silly question but have you told him that his (lack of) feelings towards you are making you extremely upset? How would he feel if you told him you didn't find him attractive? He sounds like a shallow prick. A partner is supposed to make you feel loved and secure. I couldn't be with someone who made me question that every day. That's no way to live for the rest of your life. It sounds like he's broken the vows he made to you at your wedding (huge assumption there that you took the usual vows, please forgive me if I'm wrong). Have you confronted him with all this? Does he want to stay in the marriage? X

pastaparadise · 13/08/2019 22:20

Sympathy op. It sounds really hard.

No real advice but I'm in the same boat. I am still a size 8 but have a definate mum tum and am very untoned. DP recently said he doesnt want to have sex as he doesnt find me attractive because of this (dc are 4 and 2, i had two emcs).

I wonder if this is the real reason though, as we've had some sex since dd2 came along, in fact he used to hassle for it, and i don't look any worse now. Could there be other reasons for your dh?

Tbh I'm not bothered by lack of sex as i have no libido at the moment, but am upset by the sentiment behind it and worry about our relationship

TowelNumber42 · 13/08/2019 22:27

He's being a dick. I would dump him like a hot shit.

You are not being honest with yourself though

You wrote I’d trade the lot if he showed some passion. He told you that if you go back to being a size 8 he will find you attractive. You have not lost weight. Thus you wouldn't even trade a few dinners for passion. Not that I think you should, it's just that your rhetoric doesn't match your actions.

Me, I'd lose the weight, then lose him, then get a new lover that actually likes me.

tolerable · 13/08/2019 22:27

ya bu to NOT tell him.you might not like his response. he might not say what you have told yourself. go for it.

InvernessAdventure · 13/08/2019 22:27

I'd be angry all the time too. In fact, I am angry most of the time, but that's a whole other story. Zero sympathy for men who are turned off by what women's bodies look like after they've gone through the cataclysmic change that is motherhood. He needs to grow up. And look in the mirror probably too, as I'm guessing he isn't a perfect specimen himself. Poor you. I hope you find someone nicer in due course, but no rush, and all that.

caballerino · 13/08/2019 22:28

Is it really lack of passion that's the issue here rather than his sustained cruelty?

edwinbear · 13/08/2019 22:31

You’re angry because you are married to a cunt. Tell him that. He will soon stop asking Smile

AngelasAshes · 13/08/2019 22:34

@Scratchyfluffface
“Can we not forget that OP put on weight because SHE HAD HIS CHILD! Surely he should cut her a bit of slack for that?”

Don’t agree with this at all. Pregnancy and childbirth do not cause permanent weight gain. It’s on her that she is now a size 14.

That said, her DH sounds to be asexual and deflecting rather than come out the closet because size 14 is by no means an unattractive size.

lostpigeon · 13/08/2019 22:38

He is a complete bellend! Size 14 is not big, it's perfect. Bin him!