DH wants to know why I’m angry “all the time”

[Aballoonabouttopop]

AIBU to say it’s because he is the sex drive of a snail?? Actually I have no insight into snail behaviour, but I feel like I might actually implode soon!

2 years people, 2 years!!! I know he doesn’t find me physically attractive since the birth of DD. He’s said that directly. I’m a size 14 now versus a size 8 before.

What really upsets me is that we were watching Love Actually last weekend. Not sure if you know the film, but Martine’s character mentions a horrible old boyfriend who said she was fat. I mentioned to DH “isn’t that an awful thing to bully someone about their weight”, because he does make a big issue about my weight, when am I going to go on a diet, do I really want to eat 2 pieces of bread etc etc. DH replied that it’s only horrible in the film, because she isn’t actually fat. So that’s nice, obviously I’m grotesque.

Anyway, I think that’s why I feel quite ragey (not a real word). Mostly I’m fine and I bury my feelings and I know from the outside that we look like we have a perfect life. I’d trade the lot if he showed some passion.

Sorry for the long ramble. I’ve been asked the question a lot by him recently and I really do want to shout why!! It’s not normal is it? To be made to feel ugly and also for a man to not want sex with his wife?

That’s horrible OP. But yes, you should definitely tell him why! Nothing will move forward in your relationship while you stew in silence.

Oh lordy OP, I could've written your post. My ex never touched me again after the night our twins were conceived. I'd also put on a lot of weight - hello! I was carrying twins!

After 4 years of not so much as a kiss or cuddle I walked out on him. Best decision I ever made.

I am so sorry.

I am a single mum so naturally I have a bit less hope about men😂.

However, If I were in your situation, I would really appreciate if someone reminds me that we marry a soul.

You married, you are meant to protect and love each other forever.

You are going to grow old. So does he.
Not to mention serious illnesses that may arise, loosing teeth, growing grey hairs, having wrinkles and going saggy.

If he married you for your physique, get the fuck out. If he is disrespecting, you pack your bags and leave.

It seems he forgot what marriage actually means.

Be a new woman, loose the baby weight, BE YOU, start over. He can fuck off

Why the slightly mad passive aggressive stuff during Love Actually?

Haven't you used the words Fuck Off yet when he mentions your weight?

Haven't you told him directly that you are angry at him for rejecting you and body shaming you at a vulnerable time in your life, new motherhood?

Why the sly backhand stuff?

Why does he ever dare mention the second slice of toast? He should expect a reaction to such nonsense.

Are you scared of telling him off for being a dickhead?

Weird. Dress size 14 = zero sex life! Errr well that's half the population written off then! 🙄 I assume your DH does have the body of a God?

It's not about your body size, OP. He's either a closeted gay (was he brought up by superstitious homophobes/in some six-fingered backwater where everyone who isn't in a heterosexual marriage by their 21st birthday is regarded as weird and deviant?) or just a misogynist who gets his kicks from bullying you.
Start making plans to end the marriage: look at your finances, housing situation etc, and get rid. There is no point in trying to 'work on' a marriage with an abusive man.

You are entitled to be angry at his dickish behaviour. He is entitled to find extra weight on you unattractive if that is his preference.

Do you think there is any other reason why you have not had sex for 2 years?

Have you told him you’re angry because you’re not having sex?

How does your anger manifest itself? Do you often make snippy remarks when you’re watching tv together?

Weight gain after having babies isn’t inevitable and we all carry weight differently so no size is “perfect” as said upthread. If you’re happy with how you look that’s okay. If he doesn’t find you attractive that’s okay. If sex or no sex is a deal breaker for you that’s also okay. But you’re at a stalemate at this point and 2 years is a long time for it to be off the table.

Men and women post on here often that they no longer find their partner/spouse attractive due to weight gain, it’s a common problem. No one has to have sex they don’t want but I don’t think it’s okay for one person in a marriage to pull the plug forever and not discuss it so I’m not sure where that leaves you.

This is hard for me to write because I don't like using words like fat. Anyway, when I was much younger, I used to look at men I knew who had "fat" wives and wonder why on earth they were still with them. Truth was, I was emotionally immature and hadn't discovered what real love actually means.

My wife is in her mid-fifties, has had six children, is post menopausal and suffers from arthritis. During our many years together she has gone from a size 10 to a size 16. Needless to say, she doesn't conform to what the fashion industry and media try and tell us beautiful looks like. I don't give a shit what the industry standard is meant to be. She is the most awesome, beautiful, sexy, wonderful woman I've ever known by a country mile.

I guess I've matured emotionally and I absolutely know what love is. I can only guess your husband hasn't and doesn't. He may do so in time but he might well not. Do you want to wait indefinite years of feeling like shit just on the off-chance? You deserve happiness.

Given that your DH feels he has the right to criticise how you look, I trust that he's a fit, handsome Adonis?

love doesnt stop becasue of somones change in looks.

He hasn’t said he doesn’t love her. He’s said he doesn’t fancy her. Different things. Surely no one would suggest he has sex when he doesn’t want to because otherwise his wife will get angry with him? Isn’t there a name for that sort of behaviour?

He's horrible.

He's being a dick. I also went up from an 8 to a 14 after DD. It's hard enough dealing with it yourself nevermind someone making you feel worse.

Look after yourself and do what you need to do to be happy. If its leaving him, then do it. You deserve better. I hope it works out for you x

Wow, even IF you have gone up three sizes, he hasn't wanted to make love to you. It's sex with your body he wants, the thinner version.
That'd turn me right off him.

I get what people are saying, three sizes isn't nothing, but at the same time, in two years he hasn't had sex with you once and has made you FEEL fat, too fat to have sex with, even though he loves you? I suppose he claims he loves you, but I don't think so.

I agree that it's time to call it a day.

What do you think is going to happen? You've not had sex for two years. He makes mean comments. It sounds as though you're both frustrated (sexually and emotionally). If you don't want this to be your life, then you need to do something to change it.

You both need to work on communication skills here. There is a useful middle ground between exploding at him and keeping it all bottled up bar some passive aggressive questioning during a movie. You're presenting saying nothing vs exploding at him as the only two options.

Speak to him calmly at the right time. Don't blow up in relation to the next comment. Say 'I would like to speak to you about some things that have been on my mind once the children are in bed' and then tell him how you feel. Listen to what he says back.

The weight gain thing is controversial on Mumsnet. I don't adhere to spouses having a moral obligation to find you beautiful when you've let yourself go. It can be the frustration that the other person has given up that is as off-putting as the body type itself.

That said, it's not fair or kind for him to blame your weight for everything that's wrong. There's two in a relationship and he needs to take ownership of his part. Bullying you about every thing you eat is vile.

Your DH sounds horrible. You deserve so much more.

TooTrue that’s so lovely to hear

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3664805-i-don-t-find-my-husband-attractive?msgid=89291046#89291046

Another thread tonight - wife no longer finds husband attractive due to weight gain, is frustrated that she’s told him how she feels and he’s not doing anything to change.

In my whole adult life I've never been slimmer than a size 14, and at 5'4" I was always considered 'fat' or 'chubby' even then. But I'm a LOT bigger now, and if I woke up tomorrow a size 14, I would feel incredibly slim!

So it's not that being size 14 is hugely fat, it's just because you used to be a size 8 that he now sees you as unattractively overweight in comparison. You were slim, and now, let's be honest - you're not. He's asked you to go on a diet, and you haven't. And you clearly think that getting angry with him for expressing his opinion or choosing to avoid sex with someone he doesn't find attractive is some kind of solution. If you still love him, why not try a compromise and just try to get down to a size 12?

In my experience (sorry to sound like Marley's ghost here, but if I could help just one person to avoid it I would), size 14 is the absolute upper limit of a healthy weight, and the start of the slippery slope to a dumpy middle age and a massively fat and unhealthy start to old age. I so wish I had stopped when I found my size 14s getting too tight and had the willpower to get back to a lower weight, instead of just buying a larger size...and then the next...and the next. Is this how you see your future?

And all the virtuous cries of how you got that way 'carrying HIS child' are missing the point, surely? Giving birth doesn't mean an automatic weight gain. Some women lose the weight naturally, or exercise and cut back on treats to get their pre-baby bodies back. Some women decide they prefer themselves at the heavier weight, or can't be arsed to make an effort to change it. Very, very few are medically unable to lose weight after childbearing.

Also please go to counselling if you're stomping around the house making DH think you're 'angry all the time'.

Just thinking from your DH's perspective- it would be awful living with someone who is visibly angry and dissatisfied all the time. Take some responsibility for addressing the problem, don't just make passive aggressive observations and be sulky in the hope he'll figure it out and change dramatically.

I can't imagine you're much fun to live with at the moment

I'm a bit shocked how many people seem to think you're the one needing to make more effort. OK, giving birth needn't mean an 'automatic weight gain' but for plenty of women that's the reality, either for metabolic reasons, or because they're too busy looking after young DC to look after themselves properly, or because they're stressed or depressed or have birth-related problems that make exercise hard (SPD or continence problems, for instance).

And as for telling you to go to counselling because I can't imagine you're much fun to live with at the moment, words fail me!

This is not an anger management problem! This is a DH who continually nags his wife to lose weight, go on a diet, forego food when she's hungry, and refuses to have sex with her until she does!

Honestly, OP, I think this is really quite abusive behaviour. He's not talking to you in a civilised way about your health and wellbeing, asking you how he can support you, preparing you tasty nutritious meals or, god forbid, spending time with his child so you can go to the gym, is he? He's nagging and insulting you and presumably going elsewhere for sex.

If the meanness has increased gradually, I can see that you might not be able to see how awful it is, but really this is a dreadful way for a man to treat his wife.

@InvernessAdventure It's more than one problem though isn't it? If a woman wrote on here that her partner was angry, ragey and on the brink of imploding all the time, she'd get a resounding chorus of LTB and 'why are you exposing your children to so much hostility in the home?'

It's not ok to carry on like that. You have children, take some responsibility for your emotions and choices.

Counselling for sure- because she is constantly angry and feels grotesque. Because she doesn't have a constructive way of talking with her spouse about serious problems in the relationship.

DH's behaviour has been really unkind- what is she going to do about it? Just be angry for the foreseeable future?

Of course she needs to look at what she can change because she can't control anyone but herself here.

I agree that she needs to talk to him constructively, but based on his behaviour, I don't think she will get anywhere. What she describes about her weight gain is well within the range of normality. His response to it really, really isn't.

And she's not constantly angry. She specifically says 'Mostly I’m fine and I bury my feelings and I know from the outside that we look like we have a perfect life.' It's her DH who describes her as 'angry all the time' - presumably because most of his contact with her consists of nagging and needling her.

And yes, she needs to take control of what happens next, but first she needs to know that the problem here is him and his shitty, shallow attitude to women, not her ghastly and repugnant size 14 body.