DH wants to know why I’m angry “all the time”

[Aballoonabouttopop]

AIBU to say it’s because he is the sex drive of a snail?? Actually I have no insight into snail behaviour, but I feel like I might actually implode soon!

2 years people, 2 years!!! I know he doesn’t find me physically attractive since the birth of DD. He’s said that directly. I’m a size 14 now versus a size 8 before.

What really upsets me is that we were watching Love Actually last weekend. Not sure if you know the film, but Martine’s character mentions a horrible old boyfriend who said she was fat. I mentioned to DH “isn’t that an awful thing to bully someone about their weight”, because he does make a big issue about my weight, when am I going to go on a diet, do I really want to eat 2 pieces of bread etc etc. DH replied that it’s only horrible in the film, because she isn’t actually fat. So that’s nice, obviously I’m grotesque.

Anyway, I think that’s why I feel quite ragey (not a real word). Mostly I’m fine and I bury my feelings and I know from the outside that we look like we have a perfect life. I’d trade the lot if he showed some passion.

Sorry for the long ramble. I’ve been asked the question a lot by him recently and I really do want to shout why!! It’s not normal is it? To be made to feel ugly and also for a man to not want sex with his wife?

What body size is he?

I wish I could understand the posters who marry sexual attraction with physical appearance - love is love. Sure, the physical stuff isn essential at the start of a relationship. But surely when you fall for someone your fall for so much more than their body shape? My husband could grow an extra head and I would still shag him because he’s the kindest man that I’ve ever met and he always makes me laugh. Whilst his actions might change how I feel about him, his appearance wouldn’t.

For the record, my husband married a size 12 and is now stuck with a wobbly size 16. The birth of my second son triggered a dormant autoimmune disorder- as well as daily painkillers I also take steroids and biological therapy, all of which leads to weight gain. He can’t keep his hands off me and I know that isn’t because he has a fetish about wobbly tummies! Its because of everything else I am that has nothing to do with my body

This is a complex issue.

In all honesty, if dp put a ton of weight on I woildnt find him as attractive. I would love him, but not fancy him.

Dp prefers me a size 12-14. He isnt attracted to very slim women I am happy at a 12. So it works. I wouldnt be offended if I went up to an 18 and he didnt fancy me as much. We all have our preferences.

Also my mother struggled with her weight for her entire life. She would diet. Would eat stuff she told us she shoildnt be eating then be miserable that she wasnt losing weight and moan that whatever she did it didnt come off. As I got to an adult I became more blunt with her and reminded her about the toast etc that she had eaten. Not to be a dick, but listening to her moan about her weight all the time is exhausting.

If you arent moaning about it, he is just being a tit for the sake of it. It's not helping.

If he is a dick, he is a dick.

But you dont really say what 'being angry all the time' manifests itself. So its hard to judge. If my dp was angry all the time because I didnt want to have sex, i would be pissed off. I woildnt find that attractive either.

It's not ok for him to be a dick. But there isnt much about what you are doing to show this anger.

So its ok everyone calling him all sorts. But if you are literally angry all the time, posters wouldnt be defending you if you were a man.

I cant really judge the situation until, theres more detail.

Horrible man and go for it tell him exactly why your " always angrey" why should he get away with tellling you how he feels. Btw he sounds awfull.

You could be a size zero, it would make no difference, he is using your size but it could be any reason (BTW 14 really is NOT big at all) as a weapon to avoid intimacy.

I wonder how he is managing his own needs op?

You are always angry because you are burying your pain every day, and he is shocking and awful husband, and probably was before your baby was born but it was not so obvious.

I would leave him, in a heartbeat. You can not continue to feel you have so little value, to feel so unloved and so damaged by him.

You would feel much better on your own, or with almost anyone else.

Leave him for good.

Size 14 isn't big. And if you love someone, it's the person that matters, not what size they are. I've probably put on 2st since meeting dp, and he's put on 4, but we still love each other. It doesn't sound as though your dp loves you

You don’t need to put up with this, he should be supporting you, loose the weight (if you want!) and then dump him. I assume he looks like brad Pitt and Liam hemsworth? Right?

How sad .
Okay, so you were a size 8 and you are now a 14.
So what.
You can loose your weight,he can`t loose his shitty attitude.
Dump him,that way you loose whatever stones in weight he is.
Be happy,you only live once.

AnnLovesGilbert I thought of that other thread the minute I saw this one. Funny how the other OP got so much sympathy 🙄.
He has told you why he's not having sex with you. You have to decide what to do about it. You either make the decision to lose weight or you leave him. You being abusive to him is not the answer.

People and relationships change op, god my relationship has changed loads in the last 15 yrs, more so since having my two kids. My views on sex have changed, what I find attractive in my husband has changed, how I view myself has changed.
The big difference is we still love each other and have accepted those changes and we have never been mean to each other when these changes have happened. Its not the lack of sex that has made you feel like this its his cruel comments on your size and that he doesnt find you attractive. Sorry OP but thats just downright cruel.
I would wonder about my relationship if my hubby was that cruel to me, he still loves me and wants to be with me despite how different things are now.
On another note, if he can go two years without and you cant, regardless of the reasons why maybe your not suited. My hubby and I have had that conversation due to be going off it and ultimately he would rather go with out and us stay together as that is just one small part of our relationship, we both wont sacrifice everything else just due to lack of sex, but this doesnt work for everyone for some it will always be a priority. The thing is you both need to have the same priorities in your relationship, seems yours is different to his. He is also a cruel Twat!.

The easies way to lose several stones of ugly unwanted fat ?
Get a divorce

The OP on the other thread specifically says that she wouldn't mind her DH's weight gain if she still loved him.

So actually I think it's not a great comparison unless you're willing to agree that this OP's problem is how her DH feels about her and not her weight gain.

Of course that's her problem but initially in her post it was that he's not shagging her. She knows why, he's told her.

Sorry it isn't complex.. He's a cunt.
If he'd said I'm. Worried your stress sout etc due to having had a baby and that's causing you to stress eat etc. Then offered to help her join a gym and have the children two days or cook healthy meals etc and make it a family commitment. Then that's fabulous a supportive.
Saying I won't have sex with you as you've put on weight makes you a shit. End of discussion.
A size 14 unless you are the most petite person in the world isn't fat. It's a normal. Ish size.
I've put on weight since baby as I can't exercise like I used to as I work full time, have baby full time other than working and I hate it. I'd bite someone's hand off for the time to train and swim and do a triathlon again.
People change. Is he going to say in ten years that he doesn't like you as your old? Or because your breasts have changed shape form breastfeeding!
It isn't on

If you want to lose weight, you should. For you.
If your DH is any kind of decent man, he'll love you just the same whether you are smaller, larger or just the same size as you were before you gave birth to his child. Sure, he is allowed to express an opinion on the matter - but to basically withdraw affection because he says he no longer finds you attractive, & to keep harping on about the matter of your diet, essentially gulit-tripping you for eating things he deems unhealthy, are deeply unattractive traits. Far more so than a few pounds of additional flesh.

Well he sounds just lovely. I am ten, yes ten sizes bigger than you, and my husband would never dream of talking to me like that!!

I was a size 8 when DH and I met. Twelve years and two kids later I'm a size 12/14 (depending on where I shop) and he honestly couldn't care less. He doesn't look exactly the same as he did when we met at 21 and I couldn't care less either.
I find it difficult to believe that if you truly love and value someone for the person that they are and are 100% devoted to them, that something like weight gain (unless it's so significant that it restricts the person's day to day functioning) could threaten your marriage. I think in cases like this it probably magnifies cracks in the relationship that were already there, that it gives the other person an 'excuse' to be distant and emotionally 'check out' of the marriage. Like previous posters, I very much doubt that your DH would suddenly become loving and affectionate towards OP if she skimmed down to a size 8 again now.

tootrue wrote a lovely post, true love transcends changes in body shape and size.

I had an ex who actually said I wouldn't find you attractive if you put on weight. I've often wondered what he'd think if he saw me now, too dc and several stone heavier. Difference is I don't care now. I've been through an awful lot since I was 9 stone and 21. Looking back I see he had many issues not least to do with body image. Your dh doesn't value sadly and it doesn't bode well for the future

I can't agree more. I am still a size 8 after 2 kids, but trust me, my body shape is nowhere close. I losted my booty, my boobs are saggy and I have a little tummy where I used to be flat.

I dislike it and I will fix it for ME to be happy. I wish I could be a size 10 and have my curves where they belong. I rather be a bit bigger actually.

Whatever you do, Do it for you. If you are happy and content being a 14 so be it.

He should not fat shame you, you know that.
He is actually making it harder for you to loose weight. Every time I am upset I eat sweets and it's hard to control, it's confort.

I say start preparing a plan B and dump him

Thank you everyone who commented. I’ve given a lot of thought to what’s been said. I totally agree that I got fat due to pregnancy, but me staying fat has been my own choice. And I think subconsciously I’ve stayed bigger because I’m annoyed that DH makes such a big deal about it!

Anyway, I’ve decided that I want to lose weight for myself. I don’t actually look awful (I know objectively that I’m still attractive), but I do want to wear some of my nice old clothes again.

What I definitely know is that I have no intention of being intimate with my DH anytime soon (assuming his libido finds itself again). I think connecting physically is so much more than just looking at someone. I honestly wouldn’t care if he had put on a few stone. He’s fairly good looking, but no Adonis and was always punching above his weight class anyway with the old me. I feel deeply hurt by his rejection and I won’t ever forget it.

Thank you again. It helps to write down things that have only been in my head. Who the fuck actually questions another adult’s eating choices?! That makes me mad, too.

In the meantime, I shall continue to be sexually frustrated and start dreaming of being ravished by someone who isn’t a fickle asshole.

It doesn't sound healthy op. I've been everything from a size 12 to 18 and DH has never had an issue with it. He sounds very shallow.

He better look like he’s carved out of bloody stone if he demands you remain a size 8 after giving birth!

I would do what another poster suggested, lose the weight, then lose the ‘D’H

A size 14 is not really big. My DH weight has gone up and down a fair big as has mine (up to a 12/14 back down to 10/12 and so on) during our relationship and it has never affected our sex life. I think if a partner became obese it might be different but if you really love someone and have a good relationship a few lbs won’t make much difference