He really doesn’t get it saying it will just take an hour after a 12 hour night shift

[Want2727]

Work three 12 hour night shifts a week. Husband is usually at work when I get home so I go to bed. But he is a teacher and off th summer so at the moment he is at home.

Every time I get home husband has done the following
Husband- Can you come with me and do a shop it will only take an hour
Or
Can you drop DS at holiday club while I do this, it will only take an hour
Or
Can you help me do this or can you help me do that it will only take an hour
These little things means I will only get to bed at 11 rather then half nine and that makes a lot of difference when I am back on again tonight
He just doesn’t get it

It is a fact that people who have not done night shifts will never get it! Ask him to do some chores at 2am and point out it’s exactly the same situation!

Make him stay up all night and then stay up for "just an hour" more.
I'm afraid you either have to say no or sleep in later in the evening and when he moans, tell him how much sleep you've had and equate it to what time he would have had to get up for the same. Non night shift people tend not to get it.

I'm a teacher, my DH has always worked shifts. I never ask him to do anything off nights as I cannot understand how he functions on so little sleep. He will be home (40 min drive from work) about 7.30 and goes straight to bed. However he's usually up washed and dressed by 2 again....I'd be snoring until 4.30 at least 🙈

Has your DH always been like this OP?

Have you told him how much it affects you?

Is he usually so lacking in empathy? I get that people who've never done night shifts don't understand quite how exhausting it is, but surely he can appreciate how tired you must be? How many hours sleep are you able to get after a night shift?.

Just keep saying no don’t be silly and point out it’s dangerous for you to be driving after a night shift!

YANB - it’s the bloody middle of the night when you get home. Straight to bed. He is being unkind.

Not sure he does get it. He thinks in his head it’s only an hour. This is the first summer we have had since I got the job. Other holidays (Easter, whit) he has been better.
The first week of the holidays my DS had a special event and I could not get the night off so I just came off my night shift, went to the event, came home for a hour and then went on a night shift but that was a one off.

It is a fact that people who have not done night shifts will never get it!

Agree with this. People see your 7am (or whenever you finish) the same as their 6pm, and it's just not the same at all. I did nights for 2 years and those 2 years are a complete blur.

OP, what do you do when he asks, do you go with him? I would just say 'yep I'll be down in a minute' and go to bed. He'll stop asking after a few goes hopefully!

Nope. He doesn’t get it at all
I work shifts too, but am fortunate in that dh used to do shifts so he really does get it

I don’t drive due to a medical condition. I would have to walk Ds to holiday club

I think some people just don't get it. A 12 hour night shift is nothing like a 12 (or 13.5 in my old Trust) day shift. After a long day shift, I could do any of those things but after a night shift I can't, there have been times when I couldn't even get home safely. You have my sympathies OP.

It's annoying he keeps asking but just keep saying no.

Sorry no, I need to get some sleep.

Just say no every single time and go to bed. He's being silly.

He is being completely unreasonable and thoughtless.

I do nightshifts finishing at 8am and from around 6am onwards my body is craving sleep.

You need to stay very firm about going to bed when you get home.

What time does he normally go to bed? Maybe you need to ring him then and ask him to just do something that will only take an hour, might help him to see what he is doing?

Well I have never done night shifts ,but I have enormous respect for those who do!. Maybe show him this article and see what he says ?.If you have only been working for a short time ,see if you can do some day shifts at all?.Otherwise say to him you will have to give up working if you cant get to bed on time!

I don’t drive due to a medical condition. I would have to walk Ds to holiday club

That's even worse! YANBU. Keep saying no. I'm annoyed for you.

Just tell him no.

But maybe sit down and spell it out to him.

Some people just don’t get it. My mum used to comment on how I got a lot of time off during the week and that my sister worked “proper” full time. She couldn’t get her head round that when she and my sister were jumping into bed, I was heading out the door.

Stop doing it. Say no. Go to bed.

When I did night shifts, I wanted to be in bed within half an hour of getting home.
If stuff needed to be done, it HAD to wait until I got up.

YANBU he sounds selfish. He already has an easy run of it - Why is DS at holiday club if DH is a teacher and on leave?

There is a lot of research about what night shifts do to people.
Such as: oem.bmj.com/content/58/1/68
www.shponline.co.uk/occupational-health/is-working-the-night-shift-bad-for-your-health/
Or www.weforum.org/agenda/2018/02/working-nights-is-far-worse-for-your-health-than-you-probably-thought/

I would print off a few and give them to him with a note saying "I need to go to sleep immediately that I get in from work"

good luck!

He is BU. I wouldn’t dream of asking my dh to come off nights and do anything. (I’m a teacher) Don’t let him dictate to you about this issue, I think it’s extremely unreasonable of him. He has 6 weeks off, he can bloody do whatever it is!